by Leslie Gould
Trudy motioned for him to come in, her eyes dancing. He stepped into the kitchen as the little girl said, “Look, Lila, it’s your Christmas surprise!”
Lila stood at the sink, wearing a blue dress that made her eyes extra bright. When she saw him her mouth opened and then closed and opened again. He feared she might be angry, but it didn’t seem she was. In fact, if anything, she seemed shy.
Finally she said, “You’re here.”
“I’m leaving,” he said. “But I wanted to give this book to Simon.” He held it up.
Lila read the title. “He won’t read it.”
Zane’s face grew warm. “Would you?”
An expression of pain quickly passed over her face. “Why? I know what I believe.”
“Touché,” Zane said, tucking the book under his arm. He exhaled and then said, “I also wanted to say merry Christmas, to you.”
“Denki,” she said. “To you too.”
“And . . .” He glanced at Trudy. “I hoped we could talk for just a moment. . . .”
Lila turned toward Trudy. “Run down to the pantry and get me a jar of peaches.”
She put her hand on her hip.
“Go along,” Lila urged.
Trudy complied.
Zane took a deep breath. “I wanted to apologize. I haven’t been very kind to you since I’ve been home.”
“Well, you haven’t been mean,” she said.
He nodded. “But I’ve avoided you. I’m sorry.”
She faced him. “Denki,” she said. Her voice was steady, but she looked uncomfortable. She opened her mouth as if to say something more, but the sound of a car door slamming interrupted her.
“It’s probably Daniel,” she said. “And Simon.”
She stepped to the window, the ties of her Kapp bouncing against her collarbone. “They’ve been in town. Simon wouldn’t say why.”
Zane felt awkward, as if he were a boy again. He shouldn’t have come into the house. He should have found Tim first.
“Is your Dat around?” he asked.
“Jah,” Lila said. “In the barn. I’ll walk you out.” She grabbed her coat as Trudy came marching up the basement stairs.
Someone yelled outside. Lila opened the door and Zane followed her down the steps. Trudy came after him.
Simon stood by Daniel’s beater pickup with his hands cupped around his mouth and shouted, “I said I joined up.”
Zane stopped at the bottom step. Surely he’d misheard. But as he followed Simon’s path of sight, Zane realized he was yelling at Tim. The man stood in the doorway to the barn, his hand to his ear. Simon had to be joking.
When they were children Simon’s favorite song had been “I’m in the Lord’s Army.” He’d clomp around the field singing it at the top of his lungs, marching and saluting and moving his arms to ride a horse and then fly like a plane. That was Simon. He was just as animated now.
He yelled, “I joined up!” a third time.
“Go talk to him,” Lila hissed at her brother. “Don’t stand here and yell.”
Simon grinned, waved at Zane, and then lumbered toward the barn, calling back over his shoulder. “You didn’t think I’d do it, did you?”
“No,” Zane muttered under his breath. Louder he said, “And I don’t think you did. Why would the recruiting station be open today?”
“It was,” Daniel answered. “It’s not a federal holiday.”
Zane shook his head. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope. They’re only closed tomorrow.”
Zane couldn’t think of a way an Amish kid could legally hurt his father more. For all the years Tim favored Simon over the twins, look what it had gotten him.
Tim and Simon spoke for a moment, and then Tim hit his hand against the frame of the barn door.
“I’d better go . . .” Zane said, but he was too late. Tim was heading toward him, followed by Simon and then Reuben. Zane glanced at Lila, but she stood frozen in place.
“You did this!” Tim shouted at Zane as he marched toward him.
“No,” Zane said, stepping back, the book still tucked under his arm. “I didn’t.”
“You influenced him.”
Zane shook his head. “If I did, I didn’t intend to.”
“He tried to talk me out of it.” Simon hurried to catch up with Tim. “So did Joel, so don’t blame the Becks.” Simon grinned. “Blame me.” Out of all of the Lehman kids he seemed to be the only one who didn’t care what his father thought. The only one who wasn’t afraid of him.
Rose came over from the clothesline, the empty basket in her hands. Daniel stepped to her side. As Tim approached, he called out to Daniel. “What were you thinking? Taking him to the recruiter.”
Daniel squared his shoulders, but his voice wavered. “He said he wanted to go shopping.”
Bile rose in Zane’s throat. “Get out of it,” he said to Simon. “You don’t want to do this.” True, Tim had been a tough father, but it wouldn’t be anything like basic training with a sergeant shouting obscenities and all the other stuff that went on. Simon had no idea just how innocent he really was.
Simon crossed his arms. “It’s what I want.”
Reuben joined the rest of the group and stepped next to Lila. Zane moved away, marveling at how he’d managed to put himself in the middle of the latest Lehman family drama.
“Get in the house,” Tim said to Simon. “You too,” he barked at Daniel. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.” He turned to Reuben. “Go back and finish in the milk room. Lila, go with him. The driver will be here any minute.”
Tim glanced at Zane, but he didn’t say a word.
Simon reached out and shook Zane’s hand. “Don’t worry about this. I would have joined whether you’d been home or not.”
“You’re crazy,” Zane answered, shaking his head.
Simon broke into another stupid grin. “Doppick,” he said.
Zane nodded. “Yeah, this was really dumb.” He added, “You’re going to need a lot of prayer.”
Daniel bumped against Zane’s shoulder as he walked by. “Keep your head down,” he muttered. “And take care.”
“You too,” Zane quipped.
Reuben raised his hand in a half wave. Zane gave a nod in return.
“Bye,” Lila murmured, not looking Zane in the eye, and then followed Reuben toward the barn.
Trudy gave Zane a hug and hurried up the steps after her father. Rose swayed slightly, the basket on her hip. She smiled as if oblivious to everything that had just happened. “We’ll all miss you, Zane.”
He waved good-bye to her and continued on to his truck, dropping the book on the passenger seat after he climbed in.
As he backed out of the driveway, he looked in the rearview mirror. Reuben reached the barn door and went on inside. Lila stopped and turned toward him, waving slightly. Halfway down the Lehmans’ driveway, he had to pull over and wait for the milk truck to go by. Then he shifted into first, accelerated, and headed for the highway.
Finally he was on his way, wishing he’d left at the crack of dawn instead.
5
Lila and Reuben stood side by side outside the barn as the driver transferred the milk into the tank of the truck. “Have things been this crazy around here for long?” Reuben took his hat off and ran his hand through his dark brown hair.
Lila wanted to laugh. Reuben wanted order and predictability. Something that was hard to come by in the Lehman household. “It’s just this stuff with Simon,” she answered.
Reuben cleared his throat. “Did Zane come over much while he was home?”
Lila shook her head. “Not once, until this morning. He wanted to drop off a book for Simon—on his way out.” Perhaps she’d never know, besides his apology, what he’d wanted to say to her.
Dat came down the back steps of the house and waved toward the barn. “Go clean out the milk vat,” he yelled.
“Come on.” Lila tugged on Reuben’s arm. They worked on rinsing the vat and then washing
it in silence. Sometimes, especially when they were in the buggy, Lila didn’t mind that Reuben was quiet. But there were other times when she longed for conversation. He only read The Budget, no books, and didn’t keep up on world events. Sometimes he talked about what he was building. A bench. Or table. Or cabinet. Every once in a while he’d mention some bit of information he’d heard at the lumberyard, about someone who was ill or had to put their horse down or had lost a crop. He never said it in a gossipy way. He was always sympathetic.
Lila appreciated that—but she still longed to talk about ideas. To learn new things from him. To have him challenge her thinking. Right now, she wanted to talk to someone about losing her best friend, how it still hurt two and a half years later. How it hurt worse today than ever. She wanted to talk about her brother enlisting in the Army too.
Instead they continued to work in silence, and by the time they were done, the milk truck was long gone and Dat was up in the field on the tractor. Lila and Reuben headed to the house.
She hung up her coat in the mud porch and stepped into the kitchen, with Reuben following her. Simon sat at the table, a silly grin still on his face. Daniel sat slumped in his chair, looking forlorn. It appeared they’d been waiting for her.
Simon hopped up when he saw Lila and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “I told you I’d do it.”
“Don’t bring me into this,” she said, twisting away from him.
“You should tell her to lighten up,” Simon said to Reuben. “Live a little. Stop doing everything that’s expected of her.”
Reuben crossed his arms.
Lila shook her head. Simon knew Reuben was as responsible as she was. If not more so.
“I should get going,” Daniel said. “Before Dat tears into me again.”
“What did he say?” Lila asked.
“He blamed me for setting a bad example for Simon. Apparently it’s my running around that forced him to join the Army.”
“Well, and you driving him there,” Lila added.
Daniel threw up his hands. “He lied to me—said he wanted to shop.”
“This early in the morning?”
Daniel glanced at Simon. “Yeah . . .”
“I didn’t lie,” Simon said. “I was shopping for a new life.”
Lila shook her head in disgust. “Dat’s not blaming Zane, then?”
“Oh, no. He is,” Daniel said. He deepened his voice and in a mocking tone said, “‘I knew nothing good would come from that boy. I’ve known it for the last ten years.’”
Lila grimaced. “It’s only been eight.”
“Well, it probably feels like ten to him.”
Lila shook her head again. Their father had been perfectly fine with the Beck family all these years, after working through things at first. True, if she and Zane had become any closer he wouldn’t have been. But they didn’t. Their father appreciated Shani and Joel. He was fine with Trudy playing with Adam.
The Becks had been good neighbors. She hated the thought of Dat revising their history together now, just to blame Simon’s foolishness on others.
“Where’s Trudy?” she asked.
“Back in your room with Rose. Finishing up some Christmas stuff.”
That was what she needed to do too. The day was slipping away, and she still had a lot to do.
“See you tomorrow,” Daniel said. “If Dat allows it.”
“You’re not coming tonight?” Lila asked her twin.
He shook his head. “I’m going to Jenny’s.”
She didn’t blame him. Monika and Bishop Byler were having both of their families over. One big happy blended family. Lila actually wished she could go with Reuben, but she couldn’t leave her other siblings and Dat alone. They’d be miserable.
Lila patted her twin’s shoulder as he passed by. “See you tomorrow.”
Daniel nodded but didn’t say any more.
“I should get going too,” Reuben said. He’d only stopped by to bring her a plate of goodies from his sister, Sarah, and had then offered to help Dat. Reuben was probably happy to escape too.
He nodded toward the door.
“We’ll see you Wednesday,” Lila said. Their family would visit Reuben’s and then their grandparents on the day after Christmas. She had until then to finish all of those gifts at least.
When Reuben didn’t leave, Simon laughed. “Lila, you’re so dense. Reuben wants to talk with you. In private.”
She glanced up at Reuben. He nodded again. She followed him out the door, grabbing her coat again. More snow had started to fall. She prayed Zane would beat the worst of the storm.
Reuben headed toward the barn, and she followed, hoping he wouldn’t want to talk for long. She’d never get her gifts finished and Christmas Eve dinner on the table if she didn’t get to work soon.
After he retrieved his horse, they walked back to his buggy. For over two years now they’d been going to singings. Two times he’d brought up marriage, but she’d said she was too young.
“I heard Daniel and Jenny are thinking of marrying soon,” Reuben said as he hitched his horse.
“Daniel needs to find a better job. And they’ll both need to join the church,” Lila replied.
Reuben turned toward her. “When do you plan to join?”
Reuben was five years older than she was and had joined several years ago. “I’ll take the class this spring,” she said.
A pleased expression passed over his face. “Do you believe we have control over whom we fall in love with?” he asked.
“Of course,” she answered. “Love is a commitment, right? We have to choose it.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do you love me, Lila?”
Her breath caught. “Of course.” Why did he need to bring this up now?
“Can you tell me?”
“Now?” she blurted.
He nodded. “I need to know if my continuing to wait for you is the right thing to do. I don’t want us to court and court and court only to have you change your mind. . . .” His voice trailed off.
He was asking about her love, but he’d never told her that he loved her. Was he waiting for affirmation from her first?
Anxiety swept through her and she crossed her arms. “Could we wait to talk about this?” she asked. “When we have more time? When I’m not feeling overwhelmed?” She still needed to get the dinner rolls started. And finish her sewing. And get the gifts wrapped.
His face fell. “Of course. I’m sorry.”
“Denki,” she said.
He sighed. “See you Wednesday,” he said as he led the horse and buggy to the driveway.
She nodded and said, “Merry Christmas,” and then headed toward the house.
The tears started before she reached the halfway point. She kept her head down as she waved at Reuben rolling by in his buggy, and then ran up the steps, hoping Simon wasn’t still in the kitchen.
Of course he was, along with Rose and Trudy.
She hurried on through with her coat still on, hoping they wouldn’t notice her face.
“What’s the matter?” Rose asked, rising to her feet and following Lila. “Reuben didn’t break up with you, did he?”
Lila shook her head and dashed to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it before Rose could follow.
“Let me in,” Rose said as she pounded on the door.
“I’m fine,” Lila said. “I just need to wash my face.” She sat down on the toilet lid and grabbed the hand towel, burying her face in it, trying to keep from sobbing. But it was impossible.
“Lila?”
She didn’t answer. She’d hated Christmas since her mother had died. Dat was always in a bad mood. The younger children had expectations she couldn’t meet. She did her best to cook the foods Mamm had and keep the traditions, but she always failed.
Having Zane stop by had made her think of all the Christmas Eves the two of them snuck out of their houses and met down at their fort. That had always been the highlight of Christmas for her. Sh
e still had the gifts Zane had given her, all tucked away in a box beneath her bed. The bookmark was still her favorite. If he’d stayed another night, would he have visited the fort? Perhaps that was why he left.
If he’d stayed another night, would she have ventured down there, hoping to meet him? She cried harder.
Once she married she wondered if Rose would take over trying to put Christmas together. That made her cry too. Daniel had already left. Simon would be off in the Army. Lila would marry Reuben sooner or later. Everything was changing. She’d imagined all of her siblings staying close by, all of them having families. That wouldn’t happen now. Daniel would become closer to Jenny’s family. Simon would be gone. She’d go off with Reuben to his house.
Another sob wracked her.
“Lila!” Rose knocked again.
“Give me a minute,” she answered, standing and washing her face. Christmas wasn’t the only reason she was missing Mamm. What advice would she have for her about Reuben?
Lila sighed. She knew. All she had to do was look at the choice Mamm made. Instead of marrying Lila’s father, she’d picked Dat.
Lila dried her face and finally opened the door, to find Rose still standing in the doorway.
“What is it?” her sister asked in an unusually sympathetic voice.
Lila shook her head.
“If it’s not Reuben, then is it Zane?”
Lila started toward the kitchen. “It’s nothing,” she said. It was everything. Missing Mamm. Christmas. Simon. Reuben asking her if she loved him.
Jah, and Zane.
Lila stayed up late into the night on Christmas Eve, running the treadle sewing machine until Dat stumbled into the living room and told her to go to sleep. She’d finished her gifts for Rose and Trudy, and her fingers were nearly numb from the cold anyway. She’d have to finish the others after Christmas dinner.
“You should have planned your time better,” Dat said as he stepped toward the hall.
“Jah . . .” Lila muttered. She hadn’t planned for the extra shifts she’d worked in the last week or the drama around Simon joining the Army or how drained she felt after seeing Zane again.
The Christmas Eve dinner had seemed like drudgery. Every year she tried to make things festive for the others, but this year she couldn’t seem to manage to drum up any Christmas spirit. Hopefully by tomorrow she’d be able to enjoy their day together.
