by Leslie Gould
Two hours later, Joel and Adam were home, Zane had returned from helping with the milking, and Charlie and Eve had just arrived.
Shani took in the scene of the men and Adam standing around the Christmas tree as Eve finished setting the table. Her heart contracted in gratitude. She wouldn’t think about Zane going off to Afghanistan, not tonight.
After they all gathered around the table, Joel said a short prayer of thanks, including that Zane was still with them. As they passed the food around, Eve said she’d quilted with Leona that morning at her shop. “Lila and Trudy stopped by,” she said.
“Yeah,” Zane answered, “Simon said you’d told Lila I wasn’t leaving yet. So he came over and hung out.”
“How’s he doing?” Eve asked. “I haven’t seen him for a while.”
Zane shrugged. “As impish as ever. He says he wants to join the Army.”
Eve shot Charlie a concerned look.
“What?” Zane asked. “You don’t think he’s joking?”
“We hope he is,” Charlie answered.
“He said something to us early in the fall—that he was considering it when he turned eighteen.” Eve frowned. “It’s hard to tell with Simon.”
Shani shook her head and then changed the subject. “How’s Leona?”
“Good. Her business is booming. And, of course, she was thrilled to see Trudy and Lila today.”
“I thought Lila had to work,” Shani said.
“She went in this afternoon.”
Zane shifted in his chair and asked Charlie how things were at the fire station.
“Crazy,” he replied. “We had one of our worst accidents in years when that semi sideswiped the buggy on the highway.”
Shani nodded. They’d all been horrified.
“The mom is out of the hospital,” Charlie said. “But she’ll be in a body cast for a few months. The two boys have come out of it all right, but they’ll all be grieving for a long time for the little girl.”
Shani hated those accidents—it seemed as if they were happening more and more. Or maybe she was just more aware of them. She knew the Amish family would be well supported, but nothing could make up for the loss of a child.
After a silent pause, Eve turned toward Zane. “So how’s the Army?”
“Good,” he answered. “Did Lila tell you I’m headed to Afghanistan?”
Eve’s hand went to her throat. “No.”
“Yeah, Adam spilled the beans last night.” Zane tousled his brother’s hair in an affectionate manner, but Adam still turned red.
Charlie cleared his throat. “When do you deploy?”
“Next month.”
The men started talking about the Army. Charlie had left the Reserve a year after he and Eve married, and Joel had been discharged after his injury prevented him from staying in, but Shani knew both of the men still felt the Army values deeply.
“How do you like the other soldiers in your unit?” Charlie asked.
“Some are great. Others are entitled whiners,” Zane answered. “I’m not sure what made them join.”
Shani suppressed a frown. They’d probably joined for better reasons than Zane, who, at least it seemed to her, joined to prove his dad wrong and escape his pain over losing Lila.
“Keep your head up,” Charlie said. “And know we’ll all be praying for you.”
“Thanks,” Zane said. “I am excited about speaking Pashto. The classroom is one thing, but I’ll soon know how well I can do though in the field.” Shani was sure he’d do fine. He’d always been good with languages. He could speak both Spanish and German. And, with Lila’s help, he could speak Pennsylvania Dutch too. Although Pennsylvania Dutch was strictly an oral language, which made it difficult for outsiders to learn, Shani knew that Pashto, with its forty-four-letter Arabic alphabet, was Zane’s biggest challenge so far.
The topic turned to the weather, sports, and then Shani’s dad flying in from Seattle.
“Why don’t we ever go out to Washington State?” Adam asked.
“We used to sometimes, back when your dad was stationed out west.”
“Before I was born?”
Shani nodded.
“Everything happened before I was born.” He crossed his arms.
“Not everything,” Zane said. “Living here have been the best years, honestly.”
“It’s easier for Grandpa to come here than for all of us to fly out there,” Shani said to Adam as she reached for his plate.
Charlie turned to Zane. “When will you be home again?”
“I’m not sure,” Zane answered.
“Are they still doing furloughs?” Charlie asked.
“Yeah, although our dates are tentative as far as how long we’re staying. It depends on how our mission goes.”
That was the most he’d said about his assignment. Shani hoped he’d say more but he didn’t.
The next morning, Shani’s dad was up early making pancakes for all of them when Shani shuffled in to the kitchen. He already had the coffee started. “It’s four thirty in the morning West Coast time,” she said. “Why are you up so soon?” He hadn’t gotten in last night until after ten.
“I wanted to make pancakes for Zane,” he answered. “Before he goes off to war.”
Shani teared up as she poured her coffee. Her dad had fought in Vietnam when he was Zane’s age.
He put his arm around her. “You’ve got to trust God with him. Otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy.”
She nodded, too choked up to speak. He was right. She just wasn’t sure how she was going to do it.
Zane came in the back door, bundled in his coat and his father’s boots.
“Where have you been?” Shani asked.
“Out for a walk.”
“Did you go down to the old fort?”
He shook his head. “I walked down the lane and back.”
After breakfast Zane said he thought he’d skip church. Shani started to say something, but her father pursed his lips and she stopped. By the time they left, Zane was in his room and didn’t come down to tell them good-bye.
“He probably needs some time alone,” her dad whispered as he followed her out to the van. Joel sat in the driver’s seat, warming the engine. She knew he’d tell her the same thing.
She had a hard time concentrating on the sermon until the end, when their pastor, in closing, said, “For unto us a child is born, the healer of humanity and of all creation, the prince of peace. This is indeed good news and great joy for all people.”
She bowed her head as the pastor prayed, asking to feel the peace of Christ and the joy of Christmas. Lord, she prayed, I need your peace. I need to trust you with Zane. She didn’t want to feel half crazy the whole time he was gone.
She honestly felt it was easier to have a husband go off to war than a son. Why was that? She sighed. Because Joel talked with her—he Skyped, he e-mailed, he wrote letters.
There was no guarantee Zane would contact them regularly. She felt hollow inside. Who would he confide in if not his parents? She hoped someone.
He’d been close to Daniel, and Simon too, through his growing-up years, but Shani knew it was Lila that Zane used to talk with the most. He hung out with the boys, but in a walk through the field or during a language lesson or a few minutes in their fort, she knew he and Lila shared their feelings more than he ever did with her brothers.
Looking back, Shani realized she should have discouraged it. She was more aware of what was going on than Tim or Joel. Men, generally, didn’t see that sort of thing as much, although she knew Tim feared it at the beginning. Considering how things had turned out, maybe she should have listened to him more carefully then. His fear hadn’t come to fruition. His children hadn’t been impacted that much by Zane after all. Daniel would marry Jenny. Lila would marry Reuben. They’d stay in their church and raise their families. All would be well.
But her child had been hurt—and was still hurting. And now he was going off to war.
The piano began the first few notes of “Joy to the World,” and the congregation stood. Shani resolved to be more understanding of Zane for however long he stayed. She wouldn’t pressure him.
When they arrived home, he was chopping wood. He’d left his phone on the kitchen table and it buzzed a couple of times while Shani fixed lunch.
When Zane came in he checked it and then said, “Charlie asked if he could stop by and give me one last bit of advice.”
Shani couldn’t imagine what Charlie wanted to tell Zane, but she was thankful for his concern.
Zane sighed. “I guess I’ll stay until morning. I’ll get on the road after breakfast.”
Shani nodded in response, just so he knew she’d heard him, and stared straight ahead. Maybe he wouldn’t stay until Christmas—but she was grateful he’d stay until Christmas Eve morning.
It was midafternoon by the time Charlie came by on his way home from work. He rode his bike since Eve had kept the car to go to church.
Zane told Charlie to throw his bike in the back of his truck, and they could talk while Zane gave him a ride home. Shani stood at the window and watched as they loaded the bike and climbed in the cab, and then as Zane backed his truck around and headed up the lane.
“Come sit,” Joel said from the couch. “You’ve been twirling around here for the last week.” Her dad had gone to take a nap, and Adam was playing with Legos on the other side of the tree.
Shani sat beside her husband. Joel reached for her hand and said, “I’m getting a glimpse of what it was like for you when I was gone. I think maybe it’s harder staying behind.”
She shook her head. “It’s really not. But the waiting is—endless.” Her heart began to ache, and she leaned her head against Joel’s shoulder, remembering the line Zane had quoted. “They also serve who only stand and wait.”
Joel put his arm around her and pulled her even closer. “It’ll be all right,” he said.
She knew he couldn’t know—not for sure—but still the words brought comfort.
4
Zane turned onto the highway, fumbling for his sunglasses in the console and then putting them on. The afternoon sun reflected off the snow-covered fields as he turned west. “So what did you want to talk to me about?” Zane asked.
Charlie smiled. “No small talk first?”
Zane shook his head. “I figured it was important.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure if it is or not,” Charlie answered. “But I feel compelled to say it.”
“Sounds serious.”
Charlie sighed. “It might not be. Or I might be totally misreading the situation.”
Zane tensed but didn’t say anything.
“It’s about Lila.”
Zane figured. He stayed quiet.
“I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but I do know she used to be your friend.”
Zane still didn’t respond.
“And now you both seem to be attempting to pretend as if the other doesn’t exist.”
Zane shrugged.
Charlie hesitated but then said, “I just don’t want to see you throwing away a friendship that lasted so many years because of a misunderstanding.”
Zane swallowed hard. There wasn’t a misunderstanding. He understood things all too well.
“I’m just guessing, but I’m thinking maybe you wanted more from your relationship with Lila.”
Zane tightened his grip on the steering wheel. It didn’t matter what he wanted.
“I faced that with Eve when she was courting Gideon, and I was ready to walk away until I realized that I’d rather have just her friendship than not have a relationship with her at all.”
Zane stared straight ahead.
Charlie stayed quiet.
Finally Zane said, “So how do you think that would have worked out if she and Bishop Berg had married? Do you think you and Eve would still be friends today?”
“Probably not,” Charlie answered. “But it would have come to a natural end.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what happened with Li—” He choked a little trying to say her name. “With us. It came to a natural end. One with Reuben attached.”
“I’m just saying that you can treat her with kindness. You both seem out of sorts.”
“What makes you think Lila is out of sorts? She seems to be doing fine to me.” She was cool as the icicles hanging from the telephone lines when he saw her at the restaurant.
“She doesn’t mention you to Eve. She never asks about you. She never brings up a memory about you. It’s not normal, considering you were friends for so long.”
“Sure it’s normal,” Zane said. “For someone who doesn’t care.”
Charlie shook his head. “You’re proving my point.”
“Your point is flawed,” Zane said. “You got the girl. She chose you.” Zane swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the bitterness in his voice.
“You’re right,” Charlie said. “But at one point I didn’t know if she would, and I chose to be her friend.”
“Yeah, well, how old were you? Thirty?” Zane turned off the highway.
“Twenty-eight.”
“Close enough.” Zane stopped at an intersection and waited for a buggy to go by. “And Eve was a grown woman—right? Not seventeen.” True, Lila was almost twenty now, but she’d only been seventeen when he left. “And you two were making your own decisions—right? Isn’t that how it was?”
Charlie sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m just asking you to be polite to Lila. Kind, if you can. This has been hard on her too.”
Zane swallowed again and turned his truck down Charlie and Eve’s driveway. Their two-story white house sat back on their acreage in the middle of a grove of pine trees. The whole setting was like a dream—a snow-covered dream right now, but by spring they’d have calves frolicking in the pasture. And their big vegetable garden would be brimming with plants that would soon be heavy with more produce than they could use. And someday—probably soon—they’d have children.
“Thanks for the ride,” Charlie said as Zane pulled up behind their black sedan.
“Sure thing.” Zane was glad he had his sunglasses on as he tried to shake away the jealousy he felt. He climbed down from the pickup and dropped the tailgate so it was easier for Charlie to drag his bike out. Once it was out of the truck bed, Zane slammed the tailgate shut.
Eve stepped out on the porch, wrapping a shawl around her shoulders. She waved and then started toward the men.
Charlie wrapped an arm around Zane. “You know I’d do anything for you, right?”
Zane nodded, hugging Charlie back. Sadness replaced the bitterness he’d felt a few minutes ago. Charlie had been a good friend to him for years. He’d filled in when his dad was injured and out of sorts. Charlie had always encouraged him, along with setting a good example of what it meant to be a man. “Thank you for everything,” Zane said as he stepped away. “I appreciate it.”
Eve hugged him too, and then stepped to Charlie’s side.
“I’ll write,” Charlie said.
“Thanks.” Zane stepped toward his truck. “I’d better get going.”
They both nodded. “Godspeed,” Charlie said as he continued to hold on to the bike with one hand and his wife with the other.
As Zane drove away he pushed his sunglasses up farther on the bridge of his nose and tried to pray. It seemed as if he couldn’t manage to put a whole thought together anymore, let alone a sentence. Just mismatched feelings. Kind to Lila was as much as he could manage after she’d broken his heart so badly.
Christmas Eve morning, after a late breakfast, Zane hugged his grandfather good-bye first and then his dad. Next was Adam and last his mom.
She squeezed him close and said, “Be safe, baby.”
He used to hate it when she called him that, but this time it brought comfort. “I will,” he said. “Nothing’s going to happen.”
“I know,” she answered. “Just be careful. Driving too. And thank you for s
taying for longer than you intended.”
He nodded, feeling a stab of guilt for not staying longer. It would be his third Christmas away from home. Lila used to call him stubborn. He guessed he’d proven her right.
“If you want, we can fly down to Texas before you go and drive your truck back,” Dad said.
Zane nodded. “I’ll think about it.” It would save him from having to store his truck for a year.
He climbed into his cab, waved again, and then backed around. As he drove off, the four of them stood on the porch, all waving. When he glanced into his rearview mirror for the last time, Adam was running down the lane. But then he stopped and put his hand up to his brow. Zane honked and kept on going.
Zane wished he were a better son and brother. A better grandson. They were all more than he deserved. He’d been in a funk the last two and a half years, and he needed to get out of it. He should have gone to church with them the day before. It would have meant a lot to Mom. The truth was he’d been in a funk with God the last few years too, probably because he hadn’t gotten his own way.
He sighed. It was time for him to grow up. He was going to need God now more than ever, and Charlie was right, he needed to stop sulking around the whole Lila ordeal.
He slowed as he came to the Lehmans’ driveway, out of habit, and glanced down it. Someone, either Rose or Lila, was hanging wash on the line. Maybe he could just say hello—and then good-bye. He turned and proceeded slowly. It was Rose at the clothesline. She smiled and waved. He couldn’t very well turn around without saying hello, so he parked his truck and climbed down. Then he remembered the book he’d been reading, a collection of essays by pacifists. He’d leave it for Simon. He stepped around to the passenger side and fished the book out of his duffel bag.
Rose grinned at him as he turned around to greet her, and then she said, “It’s good to see you.”
Zane ignored her comment and asked if Lila was around.
“She’s in the kitchen,” Rose answered.
Maybe Lila was by herself. Or even if Trudy was with her that would be all right. He hurried up the back steps and knocked on the door. Trudy answered it and grinned.
“Who is it?” Lila called out.
