by Leslie Gould
“Nothing,” she answered.
Daniel shook his head, as if clearing it. “I know you’ll always care about him. All the time we were growing up, it seemed like the two of you belonged together. But I didn’t really get things back then—”
She interrupted him. “Stop.” Her temples began to throb.
“Maybe Dat was right,” Daniel said, ignoring her, “about no good coming from having Englisch neighbors. Do you remember that? That was when he tried to forbid us from hanging out with Zane. But then he softened . . .”
Lila closed her eyes.
“Sis,” Daniel said. He hadn’t called her that in years. “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s better you didn’t have a chance to really see Zane. You’ll marry Reuben soon. Zane will just be a memory. Your childhood friend. Just like he was my childhood friend.”
Even though she knew Daniel was right she hated to hear him say it.
After her mother had died, Lila had felt a horrible loneliness—until Zane moved next door. Her friendship with him had brought a wholeness to her life. But then that disintegrated too.
It wasn’t that she felt overcome by her losses. Many people she knew had lost a parent or had some sort of tragedy. But Lila did feel as if something was missing from her life.
“Do you ever think about our biological father?” she asked her twin.
Daniel made a face and shook his head. “No. Why would I?”
“Because we have his DNA.”
Daniel shrugged. “What does that matter?”
They’d never met their father. They knew nothing about him. Not even his name. It wasn’t that Lila necessarily wanted to find the man or meet him. But she’d like to have the option. Perhaps that would help fill in the gap in her heart.
Daniel turned onto Juneberry Lane and then down the driveway. “Will you come in?” Lila asked.
He shook his head.
“Dat’s asleep.”
Daniel yawned. “I have to be up early.”
She thanked him, jumped down, and closed the door, but instead of going to the house, she turned toward the field. The snow was beginning to stick, making the whole world lighter. She could see all the way to the poplar trees.
What if Zane was waiting for her at their fort? She’d gone down to the creek a couple of months ago when she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Either Trudy and Adam hadn’t found the fort or else they hadn’t claimed it because it was just the way it had been those last nights she’d gone alone after Zane had joined the Army, hoping he would meet her there before he left.
She trudged through the field and at the halfway point turned toward the trees. When she reached the creek bank, she whispered, “Zane?”
No one replied. She said his name again, but louder. It was darker under the trees and the mud hadn’t frozen yet, making the ground slippery. There was no light in the fort. Christmas Eve was fast approaching. It used to be her favorite day of the year. Not anymore.
She watched the snowflakes disappear into the darkness of the creek for a moment and then said his name one more time. Again, no one answered. Feeling foolish she headed back home. By the time she reached the back steps, she was thankful he hadn’t been there. What would she have said if he had been?
Lila was up by five the next morning, trudging through the now-deep snow to feed the chickens and gather the eggs. Dat hadn’t had a chance to shovel the path before milking. Later he would, and plow the lane with his tractor too. He’d bought a used one a couple of years ago. It had metal wheels, like all of the tractors owned by Plain families in Lancaster County, but it had decreased his workload by quite a bit—and provided Simon with the only farm chore he actually enjoyed. As she headed back to the house, she turned toward the lane, wondering when Zane would pass by. Perhaps he had put chains on and was already gone. She hoped he’d drive carefully in the snow. Maybe he’d wait at least until the roads were plowed.
She woke Rose and Trudy and fixed hotcakes for breakfast, her gaze wandering to the window. They all ate after Dat and Simon came in from the milking. Once the dishes were washed Lila told Rose she was going to their grandmother’s quilt shop. “I need to pick up some things to finish gifts,” she said. “I’ll be back after a while.”
Trudy asked to go too. Lila almost said no, but she changed her mind. She hadn’t seen her little sister much in the last few days. Lila told Trudy to dress warmly, while she hitched up the horse to the buggy. By the time they reached the highway, the plow had cleared it.
Trudy chattered away about Adam and then about school. Her teacher wouldn’t be back after Christmas vacation because she was moving to Florida. “Our new teacher is coming from Maryland,” Trudy said.
Lila had lost track of what was going on at school. Dat had been taking Trudy when he went into the lumberyard. Lila and Rose split the other days, but Lila didn’t go into the school much anymore. She supposed she should.
“She’s older.” Trudy snuggled under the wool blanket.
“Oh?”
“Jah, we’ve been told to be extra good. She’s had years of experience teaching and won’t put up with any bad behavior.”
Lila stopped herself from laughing. There was no worry that Trudy would misbehave. That was the main reason Lila didn’t go into the school much anymore. She didn’t have any concerns. If Simon were younger and still in school it would be another story.
She urged the horse on as she half listened. Their grandmother had moved her quilt shop into Strasburg a couple of years ago. Her business had been booming, so much so that their grandfather had shut down his small engine repair shop and did the books and also often manned the counter at the quilt shop so Mammi could concentrate on her handwork, talking with customers, and teaching the classes she offered several times a week. Two women also helped out in the store part time.
Even though she grew up just a few miles away, Lila still found the village of Strasburg enchanting with its brick buildings, hand-hewn log cabins, and centuries of history. Traffic wasn’t bad, probably because of the storm, and Lila found a place to park not far from the quilt shop.
“Can we stop at the creamery?” Trudy asked as she jumped down. “Zane took Adam there a few days ago.”
Lila’s heart contracted at the thought of Zane there. One time when they were all still kids, Shani had piled them all into her van and taken them to Strasburg for ice cream. That particular time the creamery was packed with tourists, so instead of sitting at a table they all strolled down Main Street with their cones.
They had stopped at the cemetery, and Lila and Zane read the inscriptions on the gravestones, finding veterans who fought in the Revolutionary War or Civil War. A small flag marked all of those headstones. It sent a chill up her spine. Later, when Zane shared his American history book with her, she thought of those people and when they lived, some of them way back when Strasburg was on the old Conestoga Road, which connected Philadelphia to the West, as far back as the early 1700s.
She thought of her ancestors, who’d come to Pennsylvania around the same time, although they did their best to avoid fighting in any of the wars or getting involved in the politics of the day. Their history was solely about family.
Had Zane given her a thought when he’d taken Adam to the creamery? Had he remembered their time in the cemetery together?
“We won’t have time to get ice cream today,” Lila said to Trudy. She didn’t have the money either, but she didn’t need to say that. After she hitched the horse, she took her sister’s hand and headed toward Thread by Thread, the clever name Mammi had given her shop years ago. “Did you see Zane while he was home?”
Trudy nodded. “Yesterday. Rose took me over. Zane played that trivia game with me and Adam.” She grinned. “But he let me win.”
Everyone in her family had had a chance to spend time with Zane—except for her.
Trudy pulled away from Lila and skipped ahead. As she rounded the corner she saw their grandfather, wearing his heavy coat and black h
at. Trudy ran toward him. Dawdi lifted her and carried her into the quilt shop.
Mamm’s parents had left the Amish church back when Lila and Daniel were little. Mammi and Dawdi had become Mennonite, the kind who drove cars and even watched TV. Dat had been upset with them for years for leaving the Amish church, and after Mamm died, there was a short time he didn’t allow any of the Lehman children to see their grandparents. But then, thankfully, Aenti Eve stepped in and took them to visit anyway. Lila couldn’t imagine her life without Mammi and Dawdi. Dat’s parents had died years ago, and she barely remembered them.
By the time Lila reached the front door, Trudy was already in the shop, wrapped in her grandmother’s arms. As a Mennonite, Mammi still wore a cape dress, although made from printed fabric, not solids, and a rounded Kapp instead of the heart-shaped Amish style. As soon as she looked up, Mammi said, “Lila! It’s so good to see you.” Her eyes were bright and full of love and her smile wide, both as cheery as the shop. The front window let in the natural light, Christmas quilts and bolts of fabric covered the walls, and the scent of cinnamon from the basket of dipped pinecones in the corner filled the space.
Trudy wouldn’t let her grandmother go, so Lila stepped into the hug, all of them giggling as they clung to one another. Finally, Mammi sat down in a chair, scooped Trudy onto her lap, and said, “Eve’s on her way. Hopefully she’ll get here before you leave.” Aenti Eve sometimes quilted with Mammi on Saturdays.
Mammi was her usual warm self, but her face was pale. Most likely she was tired from the Christmas rush. “Are you feeling all right?” Lila asked her grandmother.
“A little weary, perhaps. We’ve been extra busy.” Mammi looked up at Lila. “What brings you in today?”
“I need some binding to finish my Christmas gifts,” Lila answered. She was making placemats for Eve, Rose, and Jenny. And an apron for Trudy as well as for Adam and Shani, for their baking days.
Mammi pointed to the hard candy jar on the counter and told Trudy to go help herself while she helped Lila.
“I’ve been wanting to talk with you,” Mammi said. “The new woman I hired is quitting in two weeks. Moving to Ohio.” She put her arm around Lila as they stood in front of the binding. “Would you consider working for me?”
Lila didn’t respond, sure Dat wouldn’t be happy with her working so far from home.
“You can think about it,” Mammi added. “Talk with your father. See if it would work for all of you.”
It was a bit of a drive—definitely farther than the restaurant.
Lila nodded and picked out a package of red binding. “When do you need to know?”
“By next week would be good. If you don’t want the job I’ll need to advertise.”
Trudy bounced back toward them just as the door swung open and Eve came through. She wore jeans, a cloth coat, and boots. Trudy spun around and rushed toward their aunt, her arms wide open.
Eve and Charlie went to Mammi and Dawdi’s church, but Eve didn’t wear a Kapp.
However, she and Charlie did live a simple lifestyle. They drove a black sedan. Lived on an acreage with chickens, a few steers, a couple of horses, and a big garden. And Charlie rode a bicycle to work most of the time.
Eve had graduated from college a year before and taught kindergarten at a public school. They all hoped she’d have a baby soon, but of course no one talked about it. Maybe Eve and Shani did, but Lila wasn’t privy to any of that information.
Once Trudy released their aunt, Eve gave Lila a hug. “I haven’t seen you for so long. How are you?”
“Gut,” Lila said. “Busy with work and everything.”
“Have you seen Zane?” Eve asked.
“Last night. At the restaurant,” Lila answered, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky to everyone else as it did to her. “He left this morning.”
Eve shook her head. “Shani called. He’s staying another day at least. The weather is worse south of here, and they were worried about the roads.”
Lila couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Which is lucky for us. If Charlie gets off in time, we’ll go over tonight.”
Lila nodded, aware that her grandmother was watching her.
Eve took off her coat. Lila tried not to look too closely, but Eve appeared to be as thin as ever. She couldn’t imagine that her aunt and Charlie were purposefully not starting a family. Perhaps Lila wasn’t the only one with problems.
But Zane’s staying an extra day put him one more day closer to Christmas Eve. She wished he was on his way. The sooner the better, as far as she was concerned.
3
Shani pulled the sugar cookies from the oven, her face flushed from the heat. The sweet smell from baking combined with the fresh pot of coffee brewing, making the entire kitchen smell heavenly.
She half listened as Simon and Zane kidded each other at the table. Apparently, Eve had told Lila that Zane was staying another day. She told Rose, who told Simon, who came over before having to start the milking and relayed the transformation of information. “The Amish grapevine is better than a cell phone,” he said.
If only all the Lehman kids were crowded into her house like the old days.
Joel and Adam had gone into town on an “errand,” which she knew was code for Christmas shopping. She hoped Adam would help her frost the cookies later in the evening.
“I’m thinking about signing up,” Simon said.
Zane pushed back his chair. “Signing up for what?”
“You know.”
Shani turned toward the table.
Zane shook his head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“The Army. Like you did.”
Shani’s eyes began to burn. “Don’t joke like that,” she said to Simon.
He grinned at her, wrapping his hands around a mug. “Who said I’m kidding?”
“You can’t join the Army,” she said.
“Why not?”
“You’re Amish. Anabaptist. Nonresistant.”
“I haven’t joined the church yet.” He grinned again.
“Dude,” Zane said. “Mom’s right. Stop joking.” Zane stood and refilled his coffee cup.
“You’re not old enough to—” Shani stopped.
“Eighteen,” Simon said. “Tomorrow.”
Zane groaned, and Shani went back to sliding the cookies onto the rack. Simon couldn’t be serious.
Simon stood and snatched a cookie.
“It’s hot,” Shani warned.
He juggled it up and down. “I can handle it.” He took a bite. “Delicious,” he said and then shoved all of it into his mouth.
Simon was a crack shot. He was the one who always got the first deer when Tim and his boys went hunting. Tim wasn’t one to brag, but he had commented on Simon’s skills a few times.
Zane sat back down with his coffee. “Promise me you’re joking,” he moaned.
“You’re off to Afghanistan,” Simon answered. “I should at least be able to join.”
“And then you’d be off to Afghanistan too.”
“Nah,” Simon answered. “We’ll be out of there soon. Don’t you think?”
“I doubt it,” Zane answered. “And even if we are, something else will come up.”
Shani shivered, despite the heat from the stove. Who would have thought back in 2001 that the U.S. would still be in Afghanistan eleven years later. Technically it was now longer than the Vietnam War had been. Afghanistan was the longest war the U.S. had ever been in. And Zane was about to become a part of the conflict.
She swallowed hard. Being a military mom was as challenging as she’d thought it would be. She was proud of Zane and his service, and she absolutely supported him, but at the same time, after Joel’s deployment in Iraq and now Zane’s upcoming deployment, she was weary of war. And as much as she tried, she couldn’t help but worry about him.
At least he’d agreed to stay another day. She didn’t have to say good-bye to him yet. She glanced at the clock.
Four p.m. It was time for her to get supper going. Eve and Charlie would be over soon. She needed to make the spare bed up for her father too. He was flying into Philly later in the evening and driving down in a rental car—one with four-wheel drive. She felt a wave of gratitude again that Zane was staying another night. He’d see his grandfather and go to church. Maybe she could talk him into staying until Christmas morn. He seemed a little more relaxed. She couldn’t help but think that seeing Lila had been good for him.
If Shani could have chosen any girl in the world for Zane it would have been Lila, but she knew it wasn’t a possibility. There were some things in life that a mother had to just let go. And she thought she had, until last night in the restaurant. It was evident that Zane and Lila cared for each other. But Lila would never leave the Amish, and she couldn’t imagine Zane becoming Plain. He loved the community and support of the Amish, but he valued education too much.
“Come help me with the milking,” Simon said to Zane, grabbing another cookie.
Zane hesitated.
“For old time’s sake.” Simon had that grin on his face again. “Rose was making snickerdoodles. She might give you one, although they’re not as good as Lila’s—who didn’t have time to bake today before work.” He grabbed a third cookie, and Shani swatted at his hand. “Rose’s aren’t as good as these either.” He grinned at Shani one more time and turned back to Zane. “You can wear Dat’s boots. He won’t be home from the lumberyard until late—I’ll tell him then about my big plan.” Simon winked at Shani as he stepped out of the kitchen. He had to be kidding about joining the Army. There was no way he’d do something so foolish.
The boys—they were still boys to her—clamored out the front door, and Shani scooted the cookies to the back of the counter and cleaned up the baking things.
She had chicken marinating, but she needed to get the potatoes baking and make a salad. She wasn’t a great cook, but she’d definitely improved since they’d moved to Juneberry Lane. Mostly thanks to Eve. So many things in her life were in thanks to Eve—and the rest of the Lehmans too.
