Toad Heaven

by Morris Gleitzman

  The turtle frowned. “Flooded?” it said. “None of the national park's been flooded. It's always like this. This is the ocean.”

  Limpy didn't understand. But he could feel something gnawing at his guts that wasn't hunger.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “The Great Barrier Reef national park,” said the turtle. “It's down there, under the water. You're floating on it.”

  Limpy leaned over the side of the cooler lid, stuck his head in the water, and looked around.

  The salt burned his eyes and made everything faint and blurry.

  But he could still see enough.

  Hills and valleys and long wavy grass, and creatures that Limpy was pretty sure were going about their business safely and securely.

  He felt himself slipping off the cooler lid. He pulled his head out of the water and regained his balance.

  “We've found it,” he said excitedly. “The national park.”

  “Limpy,” said Charm. “It's underwater. We can't live underwater. We need air.”

  “And flying insects,” said Goliath, peering hopefully at a speck of dirt on the cooler lid. “Poop, I thought that was a gnat.”

  Limpy sighed. He loved his sister and cousin heaps, but sometimes they could be a bit thick.

  “I know we need air,” said Limpy. “But don't forget we can breathe through our skin. We just need to make sure a bit of our skin's above the water.”

  Charm and Goliath looked doubtful.

  “Excuse me,” said the turtle. “This is a very interesting conversation, but I've only got another three hundred years to live and I've got things to do. Goodbye.”

  The turtle dived down into the depths.

  “Look,” said Limpy, pointing to the disappearing turtle. “His feet are webbed, like ours. I reckon we can learn to live in water too.”

  Charm rolled her eyes.

  “What about that time you came down the mud slide too fast and nearly drowned in the swamp?” she said.

  “I was young and careless,” said Limpy. “I forgot to leave part of me sticking out of the water. This time I've got a plan. I'll hang over the side of the cooler lid and you hold on to my feet. That way I can breathe through my bottom.”

  Slowly Limpy's eyes got used to the salt water.

  Wow, he thought.

  He'd never seen so much food.

  The water was full of it.

  Fish and yabbies and worms and slugs and heaps of other delicious-looking food items, all swarming and darting and slithering around.

  This is perfect, thought Limpy.

  And everything was so colorful.

  “Wow,” he said out loud, making bubbles. His mouth filled up with salty water, which wasn't quite so perfect, but he didn't care.

  This was heaven.

  He wondered if nature had made all this food different colors for a reason. Perhaps to help consumers make a choice. Blue for breakfast, yellow for lunch, purple for tea, that sort of thing.

  The food at home was mostly brown or gray. It was so boring to look at that sometimes Goliath turned a lizard inside out before he ate it, just to make it a bit more colorful.

  We wouldn't have to do that with this tucker, thought Limpy happily.

  There was only one problem.

  With Charm and Goliath holding on to his legs above the surface, he couldn't reach any of it.

  “Deeper?” said Charm as Limpy clambered back onto the cooler lid. Her little face furrowed with concern.“If you go any deeper, you'll drown.”

  “Not,” said Limpy, “if I have something to breathe through.”

  He looked around the cooler lid and saw just the thing.

  The sun had dried the palm fronds to a crisp. He grabbed one and stripped off the shriveled leaves.

  “This'll do it,” he said. He stuck one end of the long fat hollow stem into his mouth. “You both hang on to the other end and don't let it go under the surface, okay?”

  Charm and Goliath looked at him, puzzled.

  Limpy took the stem out of his mouth and said it again.

  Understanding dawned on their faces. “Oh, right,” said Goliath. “I thought you said you wanted us both to jump in with you.”

  Limpy slid down through the sunlit depths until he was standing on a colorful rocky outcrop shaped like a pile of wombat intestines. Fields of pastel ferns rippled slowly in the warm currents, delicate as the most delicate ribbons of mucus. Next to Limpy was a cliff face covered in beautiful patterns of little bumps, like the inside of a lizard's stomach.

  This is almost as beautiful as the swamp at home, thought Limpy. If it had some mud, it would be.

  He sucked in a lungful of air through the palm stem and blew out a cascade of sparkling bubbles.

  Nearby, a blue and pink and silver yabbie strolled along a row of tiny trees that seemed to be made of mouse brains.

  Limpy waved.

  The yabbie waved back.

  What a wonderful place to live, thought Limpy happily.

  He smiled as he imagined Mum and Dad's faces when they saw it. Mum had always particularly liked the look of mouse brains.

  Then he felt a stab in his guts as he remembered the virus germs. Which meant he wouldn't actually be able to see Mum and Dad in their new home.

  Ever.

  It was too upsetting to think about, so Limpy concentrated on the other pangs in his guts. The hunger ones.

  No wonder I'm so hungry, he thought. I've only eaten one beetle leg all day.

  Limpy hopped down to the next rock ledge and picked up a delicious-looking green and black and orange slug.

  “I'm very salty,” said the slug. “You probably won't like me.”

  Limpy gave the slug a smile for trying to be helpful. He wasn't worried. His eyes had got used to the salt, so he was pretty sure his tummy could.

  Limpy sucked another lungful of air through the stem.

  Only this time it wasn't air, it was water.

  Choking and spluttering and panicking, Limpy realized what must have happened. When he hopped down lower, he must have pulled the top of the stem under the water.

  “Palm stem snorkles only work if you keep one end out of the water,” said the slug.

  Limpy put the slug back on the rock ledge. He didn't smile at it this time. He was too busy wondering why Goliath and Charm hadn't held on to the stem and stopped him from dragging it under.

  Air bubbles, thought Limpy desperately. I need air bubbles.

  He looked around, hoping to see some of his old ones hanging around. If he could get them back inside him, they might relieve the pain that was starting in his lungs.

  He couldn't see a single bubble.

  Just Goliath and Charm, a palm stem in each of their mouths, floating nearby and smiling and waving.

  They'd jumped in too.

  “No!” said Limpy in despair.

  His last air bubble wobbled out of his mouth and drifted away.

  Why couldn't they have waited till I got back on the cooler lid? he thought bitterly. I'd have given them a turn.

  His lungs were burning. Even as he signaled to Charm and Goliath that he was heading to the surface, he saw Goliath lunge at a blue and yellow fish and then start choking and spluttering in a cloud of bubbles. Goliath's stem must have filled with water too.

  Come on, Limpy begged them silently. Follow me.

  He kicked his feet and headed for the surface.

  As he rose through the water, lungs on fire, a horrible thought hit him. If all three of them were down here, nobody was looking after the cooler lid.

  What if it had floated away?

  He peered up, trying to see it.

  There it was. A dark rectangular shape up above.

  That's a relief, thought Limpy.

  He didn't actually feel much relief, because his chest was hurting too much.

  He felt a bit of anxiety, though, when he got closer to the surface and saw that the dark shape was very big to be a cooler lid.


  Too big.

  And he definitely felt the huge jolt of fear that stabbed through him when he spotted a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned and saw what was swimming toward him.

  It was pink and brown, with blue webbed feet and dark humps on its back and a plastic pipe in its mouth that distorted its face into a leer of hatred.

  A human.

  Limpy swam for his life.

  He didn't get far. His legs were frozen with fear, and his arms weren't working properly either.

  Must be because I've run out of air, Limpy thought helplessly, his lungs screaming.

  The human glided toward him through the shadowy water, eyes big and scary behind a face mask.

  Limpy kept as still as he could, hoping the human would think he was a larger-than-usual speck of plankton.

  At least I can't see any weapons, thought Limpy. No tennis racquets, no golf clubs, no folding chairs. Though a whack round the head from those metal tanks on the human's back could be lethal.

  The human swam right up to Limpy so their faces were almost touching.

  Limpy smiled weakly. It was important to look the part. Plankton were probably pretty happy, even the larger-than-usual ones.

  The human stared at him.

  Limpy could see a frown behind the face mask.

  This is a national park, Limpy reminded the human silently. You're not allowed to kill me here.

  The human kept on staring.

  Limpy would have held his breath if he'd had any to hold.

  Then a shoal of brightly colored food items swam close to the human's head and the human, with a final puzzled glance at Limpy, swam away after them.

  Limpy, chest almost bursting, struggled to the surface.

  “Yes!” he screamed as his head burst into sunlight and he sucked sweet air in through his mouth and every pore in his face.

  The human hadn't killed him.

  The national park was everything he'd hoped for.

  Okay, except for the water.

  Charm and Goliath's gasping heads appeared next to him.

  Limpy turned to tell them that things were looking fairly good, but as he did, he saw that things weren't looking good at all.

  The water around them was full of humans swimming facedown and breathing through plastic tubes.

  “Stack me!” spluttered Goliath. “The mongrels have stolen our idea.”

  Limpy was glad they had. With their faces in the water, the humans hadn't seen him and Charm and Goliath yet. But they could at any moment. And what if the surface of the water wasn't part of the national park? What if, when the humans took their face masks off and saw three cane toads treading water, they reached for their golf clubs before you could say “Cane toad hunting season is open”?

  Limpy looked desperately around for the cooler lid.

  It was gone.

  Instead, looming over them was a gleaming white boat, bigger than any Limpy had seen on the highway. More humans with face masks were clambering down ladders fixed to the side of the boat and lowering themselves into the water.

  “We've got to hide,” said Limpy.

  “Where?” said Charm. “The palm fronds have gone, and we can't go back under the water because we haven't got tubes.”

  Goliath scowled. “I could bash some humans and grab some,” he said.

  Limpy sighed.

  “The whole point of hiding,” he said, “is so the humans don't notice us. I think they probably will if you start bashing them.”

  “Not if I do it gently,” said Goliath.

  Charm grabbed Limpy's arm.

  “There's only one place we can hide,” she said.

  Limpy knew she was right. The idea terrified him. But it was their only choice, and they had to do it fast.

  The hardest part was climbing up the big slippery chain.

  Luckily, it was hanging off the other side of the boat from where most of the humans were swimming, but Limpy was still scared.

  He knew a boat chain definitely wasn't part of a national park. If he and Charm and Goliath were spotted, the humans could bash them with any type of sporting equipment quite legally.

  Limpy didn't say anything to the others. But when they finally clambered through a hole in the top of the boat and flopped down gratefully onto a cool metal floor, he trembled with relief.

  “Good on you Limpy,” said Charm. “I was worried about you, climbing that slippery chain with your leg.”

  “Thanks,” said Limpy.

  “It wasn't easy for me either,” said Goliath. “I'm weak with hunger, plus I've got a splinter in my toe.”

  “I was worried about you too, Goliath,” said Charm.

  “Thanks,” said Goliath. “I've got a slight headache as well.”

  Limpy looked around. They were in a big area full of machinery that he guessed was for making the boat go, or grinding up cane toads, or possibly both.

  There were no humans around.

  “We'll be safe here for a while,” said Limpy. “As long as we keep our heads down. Give us a chance to think about how we can find another national park.”

  “One that's not underwater,” said Charm.

  “No,” said Goliath. “I can't do it. I can't go looking for another national park. Not without food. I need food. There must be a picnic area on this boat. Or a worm farm.”

  Goliath was already hopping toward an open doorway.

  “Don't be stupid,” said Charm, hurrying after him. “Come back.”

  Limpy hurried after them both. This was what he'd dreaded. Nothing could stop Goliath when he was hungry.

  Except possibly a human with a large meat hammer.

  As Limpy clambered over the metal wall at the bottom of the doorway, he saw that Goliath was already halfway along the passage on the other side.

  “Goliath!” yelled Limpy. “If Ancient Eric were here, he'd be telling you to come back immediately.”

  Limpy knew that wasn't strictly true. If poor Ancient Eric were there, a human would probably be using him as a floatie, but it was worth a try.

  Goliath didn't even slow down.

  Limpy went after him.

  Hopping in circles wasn't a problem in the passageway. Limpy just bounced from wall to wall and made good progress. Right up until he reached Charm, who was standing frozen, staring into a room off one side of the passage.

  Limpy saw that his sister was trembling with shock.

  “What's the matter?” he asked, putting his arm round her.

  She didn't reply.

  Limpy peered into the room and saw it was a sort of shop, with racks of postcards and a big glass cupboard full of soft drinks.

  Even though Charm's little body was white with salt and Limpy knew she must be as thirsty as he was, she wasn't looking at the soft drinks.

  She was looking up at the shelves.

  The shelves were piled with the sorts of things humans bought when they were on holiday. Sunglasses and plastic boats and pens with plankton in them. The sort of stuff that broke easily and got chucked out of cars on the way home.

  Limpy realized Charm wasn't trembling because of the flimsiness of human souvenirs.

  She was trembling because of the cane toads squatting on the middle shelf.

  Limpy felt a shiver go down his back.

  For a fleeting second he thought they were alive.

  Then he realized they weren't. They were too shiny and still, and their eyes were too glassy. And they were doing something no live cane toad would ever do. They were holding miniature items of human sporting equipment.

  Tennis racquets.

  Cricket bats.

  Golf clubs.

  That's disgusting, thought Limpy. Making them pose with the very weapons that probably killed them.

  Charm gave a small sob.

  Limpy's heart ached. He wished she didn't have to see this. He wished he could take her home, where at least dead cane toads had flatness and dignity.

  Then he remembered the v
irus germs. Was poor Charm imagining herself with the other cane toads on the shelf?

  “Come on,” said Limpy softly, steering her away from the shop. “We can't do anything for them now. It's more important that we find Goliath.”

  At that moment, from along the passage, came a loud burp.

  Goliath had found food.

  Goliath was in another room further along the passage.

  “Look,” he said, chewing happily. “Isn't this great?”

  Limpy froze.

  The room was full of humans. They were standing against the walls on all sides. Goliath hadn't even seen them.

  Limpy dived in front of Charm and braced himself for an attack.

  It didn't come.

  Weak with relief, Limpy saw why. The things towering over him weren't humans after all. Just human clothes hanging on pegs.

  Goliath was chewing a sock.

  “Help yourself,” he said, pointing to the bags and rucksacks on the floor.

  Limpy saw that Goliath had opened several ruck-sacks and emptied out the contents. He was sitting among cosmetic bags and books and maps and underwear.

  “There's plenty for everyone,” said Goliath. “I recommend those delicious deodorant sticks that humans rub under their arms.”

  Limpy remembered how hungry he was.

  He started checking the hairbrushes for head lice. Then he saw something that drove all thoughts of food from his mind and tummy.

  Spilling out of one rucksack were some photos of humans standing under trees. The trees were full of brightly colored birds. Some of the humans had birds standing on their heads and shoulders.

  Limpy peered more closely.

  One of the humans was holding a frog.

  The humans looked happy.

  The birds looked happy.

  The frog looked happy.

  Limpy's warts tingled with excitement. This was exactly how he'd imagined a national park would be. No birds being shot. No frogs being dissected by scientists. Limpy studied the photos for any signs of cane toads being bashed or run over.

  Not a single one.

  And everything was surrounded by air, not water.

  This must be another national park, thought Limpy. It's got to be.

  He was about to show the photos to Charm and Goliath when he saw something else on the floor. Something that made his warts almost pop with happiness.