by Desiree Span
For the next hour or so we said absolutely nothing. The silence was too stressful so I turned on the radio and concentrated on the road.
Suddenly she sighed loudly and abruptly turned the music off. “You see? This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen, Olly! We haven’t seen each other in six weeks and you are still mad at me. So, what now? Now you are not going to speak to me anymore? Is that it? You are going to keep acting all weird because I didn’t sleep with you?!”
She was really upset and gave a long tirade about the value of friendship, men always wanting more than that and the downside of meaningless sex. She seemed to have given the whole thing quite some thought. Which pleased me, for it meant that I wasn’t the only one who had been pondering about the issue all these weeks.
“Okay, okay. I get your point,” I interrupted. “I’m stopping here for gas. Do you want something?” I asked, while I parked.
“Just some water,” she said quietly.
I turned off the engine, but before I stepped out I turned to her and said, “I hear what you are saying, E, I really do. But, what if two people, who have known each other their whole lives, and shared their happiest and saddest moments with each other... well, what if they just happen to make love, risking their friendship, but then find out that they were destined for each other all along. Wouldn’t that be worth it? Think about it, E.” And then I stepped out of the van to get her some water.
* * *
The rest of the trip was a drag. Besides the fact that we hardly spoke more than two words, I got a flat tire and had to pull over to change it. I realized that my spare tire was in even worse condition, so we had to walk to the nearest phone booth and call a tow truck. The guy seemed to have a good day of work because he kept us waiting for hours before he came and fixed the damn thing.
Chapter Ten
OLIVER
1996
* * *
When we arrived to Boston it was quite late. I dropped Erica off and headed to my own apartment. Exhausted, I took my clothes off, crawled into bed, and fell into a deep sleep.
It was way past midnight when there was a knock on the door. I reluctantly stood up and when I opened the door I was more than surprised to find Erica standing there. My roommate must have let her in, for I hadn’t heard anyone at the front door.
She had a strange look on her face and she was wearing her pajamas. “What are you doing here? Is everything all right?” I asked, leaning against the door frame, rubbing my eyes sleepily.
“Yes, everything is fine,” she said. Her eyes avoided mine and she kept fiddling with the hem of her shirt. “It’s just that I can’t sleep. I just keep thinking about what you said and that maybe you are right. Maybe two people should risk friendship...” She took a deep breath. “... you know, to find out if they are actually destined for each other.”
I was wide awake now and felt my heart skip a beat. She then looked up at me and blinked nervously with her big brown eyes, pressing her lips together, as if still not sure about her decision.
I didn’t waste another second. I pulled her in brusquely, shut the door, took her face in my hands and kissed her as if my life depended on it — as if it was my last chance to convince her that I was right and to convince her that what I felt for her was real, not just desire. She answered my kiss vigorously.
I desperately undid her of her clothes while trying not to interrupt our kiss in the process. She helped by quickly unbuttoning, unzipping, or unfastening any garment that stood in my way.
Then just as abruptly I let go of her lips, because for just a second I had to take a step back... I just had to admire her nakedness. She was simply beautiful. Mouth red and puffy, breasts full and perky, cheeks blushing.
I tenderly pushed her hair to a side and softly ran my fingers over the freckles on her shoulder and downwards to cup and gently fondle her breasts. I kissed her neck, licked her ear and brushed my lips over her jaw toward her mouth, where I covered it with mine once more and then I pulled her tightly in my embrace.
In my head I had fantasized about this moment a dozen times and had wanted to take it slow, for it to last as long as possible. But then she exhaled a soft moan of pleasure and that was it. I lost it. I wasn’t able to hold myself any longer. I wanted to be with her, be in her, right that moment.
Still kissing, I lifted her up and carried her to my bed, where I softly lay her down. While I explored every curve of her body, my senses seemed heightened as I took in her scent and her taste.
She felt like silk underneath me, caressing and devouring my mouth with her tongue. She took my earlobe between her lips, “Please, Olly... take me now,” she sighed in my ear. She then grabbed my behind and opened up for me, pulling me deep inside her, wrapping her thighs around my waist to keep me in place.
She followed my rhythm perfectly, clinging on to me with her legs, arching her back and pushing her breasts forward; her arms above her head, her fingers hooked into mine. Her eyes closed and her swollen lips slightly opened. We rose together fast as if on a tidal wave and I felt I was going to burst after so much anticipation. And then we exploded simultaneously and she softly sighed my name when we reached our peak together. I collapsed into her arms, gasping for air and buried my face in her hair while she held on tight to me.
After the wave had ebbed away, it all seemed unreal. But she was still there, with me. Her warm body curled next to mine, her blond hair scattered over my pillow. She tenderly caressed my face and now and then planted kisses on my cheek, brow and mouth.
She must have lain there with me for quite a while and with one leg and arm encaging me in an intimate embrace, I started to doze off.
“Olly?” She lovingly brushed a strand of hair away from my forehead.
“Mmh?” I murmured drowsily, pulling her even tighter to me.
“The night we argued at the treehouse-,” she started saying. I slowly opened my eyes.
“That was a long time ago, E,” I said and I caressed her cheek with my fingertips.
“I know,” she said, “but I want to tell you that I’m aware that it’s my fault we grew apart.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I said nuzzling her neck.
“But I need you to know that I didn’t mean to hurt you or cast you out of my life. It’s just that after we kissed, I was very confused. I mean, you were my buddy... we even played the farting-game together!” She chuckled and I smiled at that memory. “And then all of a sudden you got really tall and, so beautiful... I just couldn’t help noticing things about you I had never before.”
“Noticing things?” I asked raising my eyebrows.
“Yes-,” she said softly, “-the way your blue eyes seem to change color,” and she brushed her lips feather-lightly against them, “-and, the way you lick your lips every time you take a drag of your cigarette,” and her lips moved from my eyes to my mouth.
“You couldn’t possibly know, but that has always turned me on,” she said and she caught my lower lip cautiously with her teeth and bit ever so softly.
“Promise me one thing,” she continued whispering against my mouth. “Promise me that I’ll never lose you, Olly.”
“Never, E. I swear,” I said and I firmly pressed my lips against hers.
She then maneuvered herself on top, kissing me yet again, first playfully, then more intense. My mouth, my neck, then following down the path formed by the shallow line between my chest and my stomach, to be guided further by the thin dark hairstreak, leading all the way down to where she wanted to be. And there she took me in her mouth. Gradually accelerating her pace, she teased, pampered, spoiled me. The sweet, agonizing, delicious pain was killing me. Until she brought me on the verge of shouting out her name, which I contained with a muffled groan.
Still breathing heavily I lifted her head, pulled her back up and hugged her. She looked at me with dilated pupils and sheepishly said, “Have you had enough?”
I smiled, “Not even close,” I said and pulled her in
tighter, cuddling and then nosing her neck. She giggled softly. And I knew this woman was destined to be mine, forever.
* * *
If we had been close before, from that moment on Erica and I were completely devoted to each other. Being with Erica was everything I had hoped for and expected. With her I could always be myself. Moody, happy, annoyed, silly... it didn’t matter. There were no false pretenses, no trying to impress and no need to display myself in any other way than I was or felt. We laughed, quarreled and made up again. We had hot sex, until we lay sweaty and panting on top of each other, and made love tenderly, where she caressed and kissed every corner of my body and I took the time to explore hers and slowly make her reach that peak where she would beg me to stop and then beg for more.
We liked to go for walks and one of our favorite getaway places was Lomm Creek — a small but beautiful, undisturbed piece of land, rich in trees, open patches with tall grass and a creek that flowed amidst it all. The harmony and serenity of the whole place was enough to inspire any Feng Shui enthusiast.
Lomm Creek was open to the public, free of charge and about a twenty-minute drive away from Boston. I normally parked the van in the designated patches of dirt for visitors and if possible we would go on a weekday, for we could spend the whole day there and not meet a soul. It then seemed like we had our own little piece of paradise.
Erica also used our creek as a source of inspiration for many of her landscape paintings. She would drag her easel, canvas, and painting supplies and I accompanied her, carrying her stool, a picnic basket, and a good book, preferably a thriller.
She would then set up her easel. I would pick a good spot to spread the picnic blanket and while she was working we could talk endlessly or be comfortably silent for hours. Once she was done, she always came and lay down next to me, where I would take her in my arms and make love to her while she softly whispered “I love you” in my ear.
We had been together as a couple for about six months and she had basically moved in with me. She slept over almost every night and only went to her apartment to do her laundry, change a couple of sets of clothing, and pick up her mail.
We had our own morning routine that ran quite smoothly. We would get up, take turns in the shower, and while one put on coffee, the other would make us a quick breakfast for on the go. For lunch we tried to meet as much as we could, but our schedules didn’t always coincide and sometimes we simply chose to have lunch with fellow students or friends we didn’t necessarily have in common. Dinner was made by the one who got home first, and I loved to surprise her by lighting candles, making her favorite dish, and giving her flowers. I guess I was romantic in that way.
She would leave notes on the fridge, reminding me to grab some milk or bread at the supermarket, and I would ask if she had remembered to pay her phone bill. She would yell at me for leaving my dirty laundry scattered around the bedroom, and I would get cranky about her cluttering my drawers with bras, beauty products and who knows what other crap.
We functioned like a married couple, and I loved it. I loved her spontaneity, and how fun, creative and incredibly passionate she was. But I was also well aware of her flaws. She could be egotistical and thoughtless, and she had a serious problem managing her budget. But I had my own faults. She would tell me that my moodiness and brooding brought the whole neighborhood down, and then she made me laugh by being silly, like getting completely naked while only wearing a werewolf mask I had bought for Halloween. She would stand in front of me, wearing the ridiculous mask and shaking her bare breasts, asking me if that cheered “Groucho” up. I’d then run after her, lift her off her feet and throw her on my bed. After an intense tickling attack, with her shrieking and laughing, I would make love to her and we would fall asleep with our bodies entangled.
Erica and I had an intense connection and we shared many things in common, but we were also very different and that was something we understood, accepted and respected. We were like a jigsaw puzzle, discovering every day that we fitted each other perfectly. She was the yin to my yang and I was utterly, madly in love with her.
* * *
On a rainy evening in January, we were washing the dishes together while we discussed our journey to Europe and my so-long-ago promise to go to The Netherlands with her. The plan was to arrive in Amsterdam, where she said we could stay with her aunt Karen for a couple of days and from there we would travel through Europe. She had already thought of different routes that we could take and cities we should visit, and the intention was to spend some months city hopping by train and bus. We were talking about the issue of when exactly to go, for I would be graduating one semester before her. And of course there was still the money issue. We even carefully brushed the topic of the possibility of eventually working in Europe and gaining experience abroad.
“Wouldn’t it be great if we could both find jobs in London or Paris? You know, temporary, just for a couple months,” she had said. I nodded and kissed the top of her head and she playfully threw the kitchen towel she was holding around my neck and pulled me in for a loving smooch.
There was a knock at the front door. I wasn’t really expecting anyone, so I assumed it was my roommate who had forgotten his key or something. I opened the door and there she was, looking very nervous and very... pregnant.
I immediately understood what this meant and felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach. My mouth went dry, my palms instantly became sweaty and my heart started racing in my chest.
“Hi,” said Tess. She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry for just showing up like this. But I ran into Mike and he gave me your address and phone number. He insisted I talk to you. He said you had the right to know. And, I was going to call first, but I didn’t know what to say. So I decided to just drive up here.”
I was in shock and just stood there. Silent. Grasping for air. “Who is it, Olly?” Erica called from inside. I couldn’t say a word. She walked over to me, drying her hands on the kitchen towel. “Who is it?” she asked again.
When she saw Tess standing at the door, at first she smiled at her with surprised recognition on her face, but then she saw the huge bulge under her opened coat and the look of stupefaction on my face, and it didn’t take her long to figure out what was going on.
She looked at us and turned pale. Horrified by her conclusion, she put her hand against her mouth and took several steps back. Her eyes filled with tears and she gasped for breath, trying to hold in a sob.
I snapped out of my trance, walked toward her and tried to pull her in my arms. “Erica...” I started saying, but she violently pushed me away. She threw the kitchen towel to the floor, grabbed her handbag and coat, and fled out of the room, pushing Tess aside in the process. I immediately followed, leaving Tess in the doorway.
“Wait. Wait! Please wait, Erica!” I shouted, running after her in the pouring cold rain.
She was running at a very fast pace. I caught up with her and grabbed her arm. “Wait, dammit!” I exclaimed and tried to slow her down.
She violently shook herself loose. “Leave me alone!” she gasped emotionally, her hair soaking wet, sticking in strands to her face.
I blocked her way, which made it difficult for her to keep walking. “Please! Give me a chance to explain!” I said desperately as I tried again to hug her.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” she shouted.
“Okay, okay, I won’t touch you, but please hear me out. Please, Erica!” I begged, letting her go and holding up my hands, as if in surrender.
All of a sudden she just stopped, stood still, and dropped her bag on the wet pavement. She then started shaking and crying uncontrollably and then sank onto her knees, hugging herself, as if in unbearable pain. She wept inconsolably.
I just stood there, devastated, watching her almost literally fall apart.
After a few minutes, she gathered herself together, stood up again, straightened her shoulders and wiped her nose with her sleeve.
She tried to calm herself
and absentmindedly brushed the wet strands of hair out of her face. She was trembling. Her breathing was fast and I could see her breath in the cold air, when with quivering voice she said, “What on earth can you say to make this go away, Oliver?”
I tried to gather my thoughts as quickly as possible. “Erica, I... this has nothing to do with me and you. You must believe me when I say she means absolutely nothing to me. And I promise I will do whatever it takes... whatever you want... but please don’t let this come between us,” I pleaded.
“Are you even listening to what you are saying?! How can we survive this? You are going to be a father to someone else’s child, Oliver!” she said exasperated.
“But I swear this happened before you and I got together. I mean, I never, ever cheated on you!” I said.
“That doesn’t change the fact that you slept with another woman and got her pregnant. Now you are going to have to deal with it.” She was sobbing.
“Look! I made a mistake, a huge, huge mistake. And if the baby is mine, I will take full responsibility for it. But I am not losing you over this! Erica, please... we can work this out. We will think of some way to work this out!”
She shook her head frantically. Her face was wet with rain and tears, her eyes and mouth swollen red.
I started to panic for I could feel that by the second she was slipping away further.
“Oliver, you have to go back now. You have to talk to her,” she said somberly and turned away.
“The hell I won’t! Not until we are absolutely fucking clear that you and I are still okay — that we’ll get through this. It’s YOU AND ME! Together!” I was beginning to feel genuinely scared. She was breaking up with me and there was nothing I could do to make her understand that if she left, she would break my heart, beyond repair. I loved her. I needed her!
