by Desiree Span
“There is no you and me anymore! Don’t you get it? It’s you, that girl, and your baby. You’ve got to figure out what you are going to do now and in that scenario there is no room for me.” She paused, breathing heavily. “I’m sorry,” she then said, with such sorrow it cut through my soul, and she picked up her bag.
“Please. Don’t do this, E. Please, don’t go,” I said, in a choked voice.
She looked at me with the saddest expression and then took my face in her hands and kissed me long and hard on the lips. She then just as suddenly let go and ran away, leaving me behind, completely shattered.
Chapter Eleven
OLIVER
1997
* * *
Okay. I’ll let her cool off. I’ll let her sleep on it and tomorrow she’ll wake up and realize this is ludicrous. She’ll come back to her senses and we’ll talk it over... think of a solution... together. She’ll call me in the morning. I’ll meet her for coffee and beg for her forgiveness. I’ll tell her that I’ve thought of a plan. I am going to put my studies on hold and work with my father, just for a little while—for money, for the baby. On the weekends I’ll drive up to see her here or... or she can come down to Chester. It would all be temporary, until she graduates and then she’ll come back home and live with me. I’ll juggle my time between her, work, studies and the baby, and she’ll understand that in the meantime we’ll have to cancel our travels to Europe and, well, all the other plans we had made as well. I know it will be tough, but we can do this, because we’ll be together and that’s all that matters.
I was back in my apartment, pacing about nervously. My mind was racing, frantically thinking of ways to convince Erica that everything would be fine.
When I had gotten back, Tess was already gone. She had left me a note saying that it had not been her intention to get me into trouble, but if I still wanted to be a part of this I could reach her at her parents’ house. She had scribbled down a phone number, but I didn’t have time for that right now. First things first. Straighten this shit out with Erica, then fix this major fuck-up with Tess.
Three days had gone by and I hadn’t heard from her. I must have phoned her like twenty times. I passed by her apartment several times and looked everywhere for her on campus. I went to all the classes I knew she should be attending, but it seemed as if she had disappeared.
I was desperate, and finally had to do the inevitable thing — call her folks’ home. Knowing how close Erica was with her parents, by now they must be aware of what happened and I dreaded having to face them. But my agony far exceeded my embarrassment, so I picked up the phone and called.
Her father answered. He told me that apparently she had come home the day after it happened and had strictly forbidden him or her mother to meddle in any way. But if I wanted to speak to her I had to hurry for she had decided she didn’t want to stay here any longer and, even though they had tried to convince her not to make such a hasty decision, she had immediately bought a one-way ticket to Amsterdam. Her flight was leaving in a couple of hours.
I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Come again? She was leaving? Just like that? I hung up, grabbed my keys and ran out the door.
* * *
Two and a half long hours later I arrived home. I thought it only fair to drop in, apologize to my parents for ignoring their many phone calls, tell them I would explain everything later, and head back out toward Erica’s place. But as soon as I walked in all hell broke loose.
My mother was in the kitchen and when she saw me she quickly walked up to me and slapped me in the face. It was the first time in my life she had ever struck me and it startled me. She then started crying and yelling at the same time. Apparently Mike had called, asking if they had heard from me for he was surprised I hadn’t come home yet or contacted him about the baby thing. When my mother asked what he meant, he vaguely murmured something about me getting Tess Walters pregnant before quickly hanging up. Living in a small town enabled my mother to track down Tess’ home phone number in no time, and when she called, Tess confirmed; she was indeed pregnant with my baby.
She stood in front of me and bombarded me with one question after the other. Why hadn’t I called them? How dare I leave them hanging for days, wondering what the hell was going on? Why wasn’t I the one who had told them first about the baby, and why hadn’t I called Tess back yet? What was I going to do about my career? How could I have been so careless and stupid? And what the hell was I going to do with Erica?
My head was spinning. “Stop yelling, Mom, and give me a chance to answer the fucking questions!” I shouted.
“Stop yelling?! I’m furious and I’ll yell all I want! And don’t you swear at me!” she shouted back.
Then my dad walked in and rescued me. He tried to calm my mother down, telling her that everything would be fine. That I was an adult and that at my age they were already married and so forth.
Anyway, I was really using up precious time here. I told them we would have to talk about it all later, because Erica was leaving the country and I had to talk her out of it.
My mother threw her hands up in the air, giving the suit-yourself signal and walked out of the room, still very upset.
My dad sighed sadly.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said. “For helping... you know... helping Mom understand.”
He looked at me sternly. “I’m not helping; I’m preventing my son from giving my wife a heart attack. And Oliver, I know you’ll come through in the end, but right now I can’t pretend I’m not very disappointed in you,” he said and then he walked out after my mother.
I swallowed away the tears prickling in my eyes and headed out.
* * *
When I got to Erica’s house, I had just missed her. Her sister Anabel opened up and told me she was already on her way to the airport with her parents. I excused myself and continued my pursuit, driving toward the airport as fast as I could. I parked, jumped out of the car, and ran toward Departures while frantically scanning the crowd for her.
And there she was standing in line to go through Customs. I tried to get as close to her as I could and had to catch my breath for a brief second, before being able to call out her name from the sideline.
“Erica!” I shouted, still out of breath.
She turned her head, and when she saw me her eyes opened wide as if frightened, but she turned her back to me.
I called out two more times until she finally left the queue and walked toward me.
“What do you want? Why are you here?” she said weakly, clutching her handbag.
“What do you mean ‘why am I here’? You were just going to leave? Without saying anything? Not even a good-bye?!” At that point I was completely exhausted, physically and emotionally. And I think I was starting to sound somewhat hysterical.
“It’s better this way, Olly. I need to get away. Please don’t try to convince me to stay,” she said softly.
“Why? Why do you need to get away? I know I fucked up, that the whole situation is fucked up, but what you and I have is strong; much stronger than any of it, and I know we can overcome this. If you just give me a chance. Give us a chance,” I said exasperatedly.
“But that is the point, Oliver! I don’t want to give us a chance — not like this! We had plans together, remember? You and me! We were going to travel, have new experiences together and who knows... maybe even live abroad for a while; take that job we talked about. But now we will be stuck in Chester because you have to be here for your kid. And well, I just can’t do that. I don’t want to. I’m sticking to our plans!” she said and started to move away.
I couldn’t really think clearly anymore. The only thing I knew was that I was about to lose the person that mattered most to me — the love of my life. I had to make her understand that. I quickly grabbed her hand with both my hands.
“But, what if I told you that you mean everything to me and that I can’t live without you? What if I begged? Begged for you not to leave me?” I said.
>
She looked at me, her eyes welling up, “Please, don’t do this. Don’t make me stay,” she whispered. “This is your fault. You said we should be willing to risk our friendship for a chance at love. I told you it was not worth it, but you promised I would never lose you and now look what you’ve done. I’ve lost everything. You broke my heart, Olly,” she sobbed, and she slowly pulled her hand out of mine.
And as I saw her disappear in the crowd, I went to pieces and completely broke down in tears.
Chapter Twelve
OLIVER
1997
* * *
Tess and I had come to an agreement. We would raise our kid together, but not as a couple. I found a three-bedroom apartment and we each took a room, leaving the smallest one for the baby.
By then she was more than seven months pregnant and we worked hard to get the baby room ready on time.
Much to my mother’s dismay, I didn’t accept the loan my father offered me in order for me not to quit my studies. And she made me promise to pick it up as soon as Tess would be able to work again and all expenses didn’t depend on my sole income. But, I did agree to my father hiring me in the family business, and as I joined the design department I was determined to learn as much as I could.
In my spare time I could be found in the workshop. I took on the task of making the crib and matching closet, as well as a baby-changing table, and I spent hours working on it until past midnight.
Besides serving as a good distraction, it also gave me an excuse to stay out of the apartment. Living with Tess felt completely out of place and though she did her best to give me as much space as possible, I felt suffocated and trapped. During the rare moments I actually was there, I preferred to keep to myself, in the safety of my bedroom. For every time I would run into her in the kitchen, the living room, the bathroom, or anywhere else, I had to suppress the need to continuously apologize. So eventually I tried to avoid her altogether and only went home to shower or sleep.
At the beginning she would wait for me with lunch or dinner, but I guess my message was clear enough, for soon she didn’t even bother cooking for two. And it wasn’t that I disliked Tess; I mean, she seemed nice and had done her best to be agreeable, but the problem was that I didn’t even know this girl, let alone feel something; not even a remote sense of attraction. More importantly, every time I looked at her I was reminded over and over again that she wasn’t Erica. Erica was gone and I simply couldn’t cope; it hurt too much.
Her water broke at 3:18 in the afternoon and she started going into labor soon after that. It lasted more than twenty-six hours. The doctor called it a prolonged latent labor. The baby was too big, the contractions were too weak and there were too many complications. I was there with her when they told her to hold on longer, for the medicine would do its work any moment now. I was by her side when they told us the baby was in distress and showing abnormal heart rhythm. I was holding her hand while they rolled her into the OR for an emergency C-section delivery. And I was there, hugging her, while I witnessed the doctors hectically do what they do to save a baby. And while we were helplessly watching by, alarms were ringing, lights were blinking and all sorts of instructions were being shouted to and fro.
But all in vain. My baby was gone. Just like that. Without even having the chance at taking a real breath of air. Tess was lying in my arms, weeping.
After Erica had left, I swore I would never let myself feel such pain again. But I had been wrong, because that day, while I was holding my beautiful but lifeless child in my arms, that which had remained of my heart filled up with grief and utter sorrow.
It scarred me for life.
Part II
Chapter Thirteen
ERICA
2015
* * *
Fred had excused himself to go to the toilet. I was sitting in the aisle seat, and we had the typical struggle of me stepping out to the aisle while he wiggled himself out of his seat.
At first I had felt hesitant in telling a stranger so much about myself, but he was very easy to talk to and besides, it took my mind off what was to come and made the flight seem less long.
When Fred came back from the restroom, I chuckled when he made a face at the prospect of having to shove himself back into the cramped space of his window seat.
“Do you want to trade places? You can stretch your legs in the aisle for a while,” I offered.
“You don’t mind?”
“Of course not,” I said and I moved over and he let himself drop in my seat with a sigh.
“So, when was it you moved back to The Netherlands?” he then asked after he had installed himself again. He had planted one of the passenger pillows behind his head and followed my example by kicking off his shoes.
It was in 1997 and I had stepped on an airplane that was heading in exactly the opposite direction.
I remember crying all the way from the United States to Amsterdam. Why had this happened and how could things have gone so wrong? Every time I closed my eyes I would get visions of Oliver fucking Tess and it made my stomach turn. And now he was going to be a father. To someone else’s child. That thought killed me, for I felt it should have been me. I had never exactly told him, but in my mind I had already pictured our whole lives with each other. After seeing the world together we would settle down in a beautiful vibrant city, like Rome or Paris, and then he would ask me to marry him and I would be the mother of our two... no, three beautiful children. We would grow old together and take long walks along the river Seine, and when the time came we would be buried side by side.
We were supposed to experience the whole baby and parenting thing together, but he had gone and created a child with someone else... another woman; a complete stranger. It was supposed to be with me.
I felt immeasurably betrayed and simply overcome by jealousy and sadness. My pain ran so deep it was as if he had died and I was mourning him. By the time I arrived at my destination I had made a decision. I would never let someone hurt me like this, and I never, ever wanted to see Oliver again.
* * *
I had agreed I would stay with my aunt Karen. She said I could stay in Lynn’s room, for she had moved out a couple of months earlier. I agreed, for my aunt lived ideally close to the center of Amsterdam, in a typically tall and narrow house along one of the canals.
When I left for The Netherlands I had asked my parents not to elaborate on the whole Oliver situation to my aunt or cousins. I didn’t feel like going into the matter, nor answering any painful questions. As far as they knew, the reason I so hastily came to live with them was because I wanted to continue my studies abroad and didn’t want to fall behind. The name Oliver only briefly came up, as in “by the way, Erica broke up with Oliver” and “she doesn’t want to talk about it.” My plan was to stay with her until I found my own place and got settled in.
I was late enrolling into any university but eventually managed getting accepted at the Amsterdam University of the Arts. I bought a cheap bike and used it to get to classes or anywhere else I needed to be in the city.
I focused mainly on my studies and was glad my mother had consequently spoken Dutch with us, otherwise it would have been quite difficult to follow the courses. I made some new friends at the university and now and then I would go out with them, but mostly I hung out with my cousin Lynn and her friends. I frequently thought about my old university, my friends and family, but most of the time all I could really think of was Oliver.
Every time someone would catch me teary-eyed I would lie and tell them I was homesick. My aunt and her family tried to make me feel at home as much as they could and though I had no trouble fitting in, I just couldn’t put him out of my head and missed him terribly.
I missed hearing his deep voice and his infectious laugh. I missed holding his hand and his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I missed the taste of his mouth, how his hair smelled and the way he buried his nose in my neck. I missed his skin and feeling the weight of his warm body on mine,
while he tenderly sank into me. I missed our talks and silly fights. I missed looking into his breathtaking blue eyes, and I even missed his smelly feet.
I think it was Lynn who said she missed “the sunshine” in me; she perfectly described how I was feeling.
We were nearing the summer when Lynn asked me if I wanted to join her and her roommate on a trip. She said it would be good for me; lift my spirits, so to speak. I loved Lynn dearly; we were very much in sync and I guess she somehow felt there was a lot more to the story of me moving to The Netherlands than just wanting to study abroad. But she respected my silence about it and never asked.
I was reluctant about the trip at first, but then I remembered the whole point of me going to Europe was just that; meet new people, see new things, have adventures and forget the past. Besides, Lynn’s bubbly personality would make the trip fun, which was something I needed to be doing. Having fun.
Lynn and her roommate invited me over for drinks and together we sat down with a Lonely Planet Europe travel guide and mapped out the route we wanted to follow. They had no idea where to start, so I told them about the trip Oliver and I had planned and we decided to take that as our starting point. Both Lynn and her friend didn’t feel the need to have every destination or detail of the trip set in stone, therefore we ended up not planning much after all and preferred to travel wherever the wind took us.
I arranged to meet them at the train station, for they lived just a few blocks away from there. Aunt Karen dropped me off, and while Lynn kissed her mother good-bye and promised to keep her informed of our whereabouts, I went to buy our train tickets at the booth. When I came back my aunt was starting to head back to her car; she waved at me and told us to take care and have a good time.
