"Here," he said as he handed me the papers.
"What's this Byron?"
"Open it and see since you think I'm such a liar."
I snapped my head back at the fact he had the nerve to be offended. As if he hadn’t told this same lie for years. I unfolded the paperwork and read the top, PETITION FOR DIVORCE.
3
I smiled. I wanted to jump up into his arms. He was expecting that reaction and I knew it. I wouldn't dare give him the satisfaction. I couldn't lie though. I was happy to see he was moving forward with it. He finally did it. I had the proof right here in my hands. No more nights of me sometimes feeling like I was only a booty call. We were finally going to be a family.
I could finally have him to myself. Mrs. Byron McDaniels, that was finally going to be my name.
"So you don't have anything smart to say?" he asked.
He wanted to gloat. I would let him have this tiny moment. I smiled at him and held my arms out for him to come closer. I wanted to hold him. Feel his heartbeat next to mine. They would finally be able to beat in sync.
"I know baby. I told you a lot of lies in the past. Not this time. This time it’s real."
I kissed him.
"January is going to be happy you're coming to live with us for good."
He stepped back.
"What's wrong Byron?"
"Nothing is wrong baby. I think we should wait until everything is finalized before you tell her. I don’t want to get her hopes up. This process may be a while and I don’t want to upset her."
I didn't like the way he said that or what he said. I detected a sense of uncertainty which equated to some more bullshit around the corner. I mean if you have talked to an attorney and everything is legit, what's the problem? I could feel my chest getting tight again and I knew I needed to calm down.
"What do you mean? I thought you would want the girls to know. You know they get excited every time you are here."
"I do want to include them. I just want to make sure everything is straight before we get their hopes up. It’s Christmas time and I just want them to be excited about that.”
I was torn between being excited and unsure if this was really going to happen. We have ridden this ride before and I was at my exit point. I've lied, he's lied and there has been a lot of hurting on both ends. We will always share January, but that's not enough anymore. I want to come home to my own man for once. I was tired of sharing somebody else's husband, even if I had him first.
4
He saw the disappointment on my face and moved to kiss me. We always had passion. Our sex was definitely bomb. There was no better connection than between two soul mates. He started removing my clothes and lifted me up. I seemed to always forget what I was upset about once he started touching me. I removed his shirt and then his pants.
"We have to hurry up baby. I need to get home to pack."
He pulled the chair out and sat down. I removed my panties and then sat down on him. I gripped the chair hard as I slowly rolled back and forth on him. His slow breaths on my neck were turning me on. His fingers ran up and down my back as I moaned in pleasure. I placed my head on his shoulder. He gripped my hips as he shoved himself deeper into me. I rode faster. He went deeper. It was as if we both wanted to be free of this tension that found itself buried between us. The thickness of his dick filled me up. His juices mixing with mine created the perfect level of wetness.
We never used condoms.
I hated them and so did he. We both felt they took away from the realness we felt when we sexed raw. It wasn't safe, but since he said they weren't having sex and hadn't in the last year there was no real risk. I was on birth control so we were good. We loved each other and it was only right we experience that love on every level.
"Whose pussy is this?" he asked.
I didn't answer.
I knew it would piss him off because it always did. He wanted me to give him ownership over something that wasn't completely his. I was no devil, but I wasn't an angel either. Besides, he wasn’t all the way mine yet either.
Smack.
"Whose pussy is this Destiny?
Silence.
He picked me up and slammed me against the wall.
"Maybe you didn't hear me. I said whose pussy is this?"
I had fought it long enough. He had the tightest grip around my neck as he was stroking me harder and deeper. I was trying to answer him. It was a struggle since my moans were getting caught in my throat.
"It's yours daddy," I managed to belt out.
He kissed me roughly.
"This dick is all yours too baby. Nobody will ever get this dick again."
He stroked me a fast as he could until we couldn’t fight it any longer. I pulled him closer and we both came together.
He lowered me down and walked over to grab his clothes. I stood on the wall trying to regain the feeling back into my legs. I watched him put his clothes on. He was so damn fine. He was successful and he was mine. Paperwork or no paperwork we would always be together. We would always be connected to each other.
He buttoned his shirt, grabbed his keys and walked over to kiss me.
"I'll be gone for a few days so I'll see you when I get back. Don't get into any trouble and don't let me hear about anybody being over here."
He had nerve. He took his ass home to somebody else every damn night and he wanted to run my house too.
"Okay baby."
He winked at me and walked out the door. I heard him lock the door so I headed to the shower. I smiled at the fact that it was finally happening. He was finally divorcing her and we were going to be a family.
My happily ever was just a signature away.
Constance
1
If someone were to look at my life they would never think I was in this much pain. Well maybe not pain rather than a state of lasting numbness. My life at this very moment could be summed up into one word; bittersweet. Amel Larrieux's Don't Let Me Down played softly through my speakers as my mind drifted off into deep thought. At one point, I remembered feeling this way about him. Lost in love and the innocence it possessed. The unspoken plea you never said outl loud, hoping the other person would hold your heart in their hand and protect it. The hopeful expectation they will shield you from all the hurt and disappointments life can sometimes bring.
The rose-colored glasses you see your partner through.
The shattering of them when reality smacks you across the face. When your love and relationship becomes a series of unanswered questions and everyone involved becomes secret keepers.
I pulled into the parking garage and found a spot right next to the elevators. My phone rang and I looked down.
Husband.
I would call him later. I didn't feel like getting involved in a where are you debate. He was the reason I was here. I pulled the charger out of my phone, grabbed my keys and purse to head to the elevator. I didn’t want to be late and talking to him would leave me arriving late.
Bing.
I looked down to see he had now sent a text.
"Constance, please call me back."
I pressed the number for the fourth floor. I'm sure he didn't want anything important since he wasn't calling me 50 times. He and the kids were away at the youth retreat so I was free for a few more days. We had a huge argument before he left and I wasn't ready to talk to him yet.
The elevator door opened and I walked off and down the hall.
You never think you're going to be that woman. The woman who has had so many opportunities to walk away yet you don't. Status, power, money, sex or love, we all have our reasons and excuses for dealing with the bullshit. We all have our reasons for staying.
I looked at the name on the door. I was still trying to understand why I was here. Why I am even trying to fix this or even make it work. Part of me wants to turn around and walk back onto the elevator. Say I'm done, this is over and move on with my life. While on the other hand, I look down at my hand and re
alize this is worth fighting for. I pulled the door open and walked up inside. I walked to the desk to sign in.
"Hi, my name is Constance Bishop and I'm here to see Dr. Gregory."
"Good Afternoon Mrs. Bishop, I'm Daria. Dr. Gregory is finishing up with another appointment. You can have a seat and he will be right with you."
"Thank you Daria."
I walked over to take a seat.
Every time I came here I always felt like it was a waste of time. He never came with me and I never revealed anything too personal. I knew I was paying for advice and time. I came here once a week to spill the contents of my heart and all I did was help increase his billable hours. The doctor had asked me plenty of times to bring him to the visits and I had politely declined. I wanted this to be about me first. I wanted to work through my issues first. Once we worked through my demons, then if I was brave enough he could join us.
There were things I needed to be free of. Skeletons in my closet I had to release. I could only tell them to Dr. Gregory because I didn't trust anyone else with them. I had prayed about my constant sins and tried to repent only to find myself back where I started. I had secrets that if my husband found out no matter how much shame he had brought me, he would leave.
"Mrs. Bishop, Dr. Gregory will see you now."
I stood up and headed to the office of Dr. Lucas Gregory, the only person other than God I could tell my secrets to.
2
I knocked on the door and opened it.
"Come in Constance. Please have a seat."
I walked over to sit down on the luxurious couch I'm sure I helped pay for. I removed my coat and got comfortable since I would be here for a while.
"Please start whenever you are ready."
"Okay. Well at one point, I remember we were happy. Everything was fresh and the love was unbreakable. Now I look at our marriage and I'm not sure what to make of it. I don’t know if we can weather yet another storm. I am exhausted."
I looked at my therapist and I was trying to fight back the tears. I was standing in front of others, encouraging them, praying for them and my life was falling apart.
"Constance, what is really bothering you? What are you holding on to and can’t let go of?"
Shrinks, there was no winning with them. You can tell them one hour of how your life is falling apart and they still want to know more. They always believe there was something else you weren’t telling them.
"I don't know what you mean Doctor.”
"What I mean is you've been coming here for the past three months and you have yet to go deeper. You tell me the same surface emotions every time. Why are you still coming?”
I sighed. I knew that scrapping the surface wasn't going to be enough. I knew I needed to tell him more. It's just when you are hiding from your own secrets, they seem to become a lot more real when you speak them out loud. Denial was a curse and a comfort at the same time; at least that's what I thought.
"I don't want you to jump to the defense Constance. I mean if you're fine with paying to talk about what lies above the surface that's fine. To tell you the truth I feel you want to talk about more. Tell me what really made you walk through my doors three months ago.”
I looked at him.
He was a nice looking middle-aged man. Light brown skin with salt and pepper hair and a goatee to match. Under different circumstances, I would be curious to what he would be like on the dating scene. I didn't see a ring, although that meant nothing these days. Married men walked around every day perpetuating the single life. They were forever lying to women and themselves, while constantly acting as if they have no commitments to go home to.
I was a living testimony of that.
"Dr. Gregory, I want to talk about everything. It’s just I've just had some dark moments that I'm afraid to relive. I’ve tried blocking them out so I don’t have to feel anything anymore. On top of that I haven’t been a saint myself.”
"Well Constance unless we talk this through nothing will get resolved. You will continue to feel incomplete.”
I took a deep breath. He was right. Even though I didn’t want him to be he was. I was hiding behind my secrets, his secrets and I needed to be free of them. I wanted a fresh start and a clear head. I wanted to love purely again.
"Where do you want me to start?"
"How about we start at the beginning of your marriage since that's the reason you started coming to me."
I wiped the tear that formed in my eye away.
I was ready to do this.
I needed to do this.
I looked up at him, nodded and began.
3
He handed me a tissue. The memories that replayed were so vivid in mind. The pain fresh as the day I experienced them.
"Laurence and I met about 13 years ago through a mutual friend. At the time, he had a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship. We dated for a year before he proposed. Our engagement seemed short and flew by quickly. We were in love so I went along with everything. I loved him and I honestly couldn’t see myself without him. I couldn’t remember feeling like that with my previous relationship, so I figured he was the one.”
He was writing while I was talking so I waited for him to finish. I always wondered what he was scribbling on that notepad. I was curious to know what he really thought about me. He looked up indicating it was okay for me to finish so I continued.
"I was ready to be a wife and who better to marry than Laurence Bishop. He was one of St. Louis’s most eligible bachelors. He father and grandfather were successful businessmen. Not to mention, he was being groomed by his uncle to become a minister. I could see the calling on his life. I saw that I could have a wonderful life him. At the time I seduced by his potential, by who he would someday become."
"Let me stop you right there Constance."
I grabbed another tissue and wiped my face. I wasn't sure if he stopped to let me gather myself or if he wanted to dissect what I just said. Knowing him, I was sure it was the latter.
"You said you enjoyed your life as in past tense. Like you no longer enjoy where you are or who you’re with. What happened to changed that?"
I shifted on the sofa. There were a mountain of things to which changed the dynamics of our relationship. Marriage in itself had a way of pulling you in a million directions emotionally. I couldn’t necessarily hone in on one though I know I needed to start from somewhere.
"I would say a lot of things over the years. One of them being my husband had an affair during the first few years of our marriage."
He looked stunned. I'm sure he had heard that line before time and time again. I figured he was probably more stunned because I had just said I was married to a minister. People forget they were human like the rest of us.
"At what point in your marriage did this happen?"
"It happened while I was pregnant with our son Laurence Jr., so maybe four years into our marriage.”
I looked at him and there it was; my embarrassment front and center for both of us to see. It was no longer a dark secret of mine. I could no longer live in the denial.
4
I wanted to get up and leave. Somehow I couldn’t move. I needed to deal with these demons. I didn't realize how much this issue still bothered me. It had been over ten years ago. I thought I had compartmentalized everything so far in the back of my mind it wouldn't affect me anymore. I figured it was what I had to do to forgive him. I thought it was how I became whole again. I needed to do that so we could move forward. So our marriage wouldn’t fall apart.
So our family would not be broken.
"How did you find out? Did you know the woman? Did he tell you himself?"
"Of course he didn’t tell me and no I had never met her. The first time I knew she existed was due to the video and email she sent me with them in it."
He looked more shocked than I did when I received the video. At the time, I thought it was extremely stupid for him to even do that. Why would you leave traces of you
r indiscretions? I could think of nothing other than he thought he had her under control.
I continued, "Somehow she got my email address and sent me this long email telling me how they were in love with each other along with the video."
The tears started flowing again. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like the feeling of finding out all over again.
"How did that make you feel Constance?"
"I felt betrayed, dirty, and hurt. I was in love and married to a man who was cheating on me and to make matters worse he filming it."
Sidechick Chronicles Page 2
