A Billy or a Dan, or an Old Tin Can

by Paul Kelly

  “There, there now lad ...You’ve had a bad dream. You’ll be alright soon.” he said and pulled the sheets around him. “Go back to sleep now. God bless.”

  Tom and Mary left the room and returned to bed.

  “Let him be, Tom Just let him be,” she sighed as Willie rolled over and tried to get back to sleep, but that task was no easy matter. He threw the sheets to the floor and lay naked in the moonlight, perspiring; his body gleaming and heaving as he closed his eyes tightly and a saliva thread played mockingly around his lips.

  “Charlie ... I wish we didn’a hae separate beds ... I wish you could come to sleep wi’ me again, Charlie, just like it was .Oh! Charlie dinna leave me ... dinna leave me, please “ Warm tears smarted his eyes. “I’m sorry for aw the things I said tae hurt ye, Charlie ... I’m sorry really I am. I love you Charlie. I love you, I love you, I love you,” he cried, but sleep eventually overtook him and he nestled his head into the tear-stained pillow.

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Aggie answered the street door and opened it to find Rachael standing on the doorstep.

  “Hello Love ... Come in. Will ye have a cup of tea?”

  Rachael looked thin and drawn, but her beautiful eyes had lost none of their lustre.

  “Yes thanks Aggie but only if you’re making one ... Don’t trouble on my behalf.”

  Aggie waved her hand in the air.

  “Nonsense ... It’s lovely to see you. How have you been?”

  Rachael stepped inside the house and Aggie took her coat.

  “I’m alright Aggie, thank you,” she answered but she would have been happier talking to a stranger. How could she tell the sister of her love, that her heart was breaking? How could she hurt Charlie’s sister by renewing the heartache that she knew Aggie was enduring also? They sat down together on the settee by the fire and shared their tea.

  “How is all the family?” Rachael enquired as she held her cup in her hands, warming her palms.

  “They seem to be coping alright,” ...she replied and then she stopped talking for a moment ... “Well No I don’t suppose they are, really.”

  “What do you mean, Aggie? Please tell me. I am anxious to know about all of you.”

  Aggie looked into Rachael’s eyes as she sipped her tea.

  “You’re a kind little thing, Rachael .and I wish things could have been different for you, I mean” ... Rachael was on the brink of tears, but she fought them back and furthered her enquiry as Aggie put down her cup and sighed. “Well, Willie is different That’s for sure and I should have expected he would be, but I didn’t, somehow You know men well, they don’t take things to heart so much as we women do they? ... or at least, I didn’t think they did but Willie ... he’s different and I’m worried about him, I really am. Sadie, well, we don’t see much of her, so I suppose she is O.K. and anyway, she has her husband and family now to take her mind off things like sadness and that ... Meggie is abroad and planning to marry soon, so I suppose she is alright. It’s Mammy I’m really worried about. She hasn’t been too well lately and has had to stay in bed quite a lot. Thank God for Tom. I don’t know what we would have done without him and I notice that even he is not exempt from a ‘wee tear’ now and again. I’ve seen him when he thought nobody was looking.” Aggie stopped talking and poured another cup of tea.

  “Aggie ...How are you taking it?” asked Rachael as she shook her head to another cup from Aggie.

  Aggie shrugged her shoulders and said nothing about her own feelings, because in her heart, she was afraid. She knew that soon she would be hearing from the convent and she almost wished they would turn her down. She knew she would miss everyone at home, more particularly now and she also knew that the chances of visiting Charlie’s grave would be NIL. The future she had longed for so earnestly and for so long, seemed glib and unimportant to her now. “Are you coping alright, Aggie?” Rachael asked again and Aggie grinned.

  “I’m a tough old horse, Rachael,” she said shrugging her shoulders again, “Don’t worry about me.” But Rachael could see through the subterfuge. She knew the real Aggie Blair. She may think she is tough, thought Rachael ... but she was aware nonetheless ... that Aggie Blair was one of the tenderest and affectionate persons she was ever likely to meet. ...

  “Aggie ....” Rachael lowered her head and spoke in a soft voice.

  “Yes, Rachael,”

  Rachael put her cup down on the coffee table and looked steadily into Aggie’s eyes.

  “Aggie I’ve really come to say good-bye I shall be going away soon and I just came to say good-bye to all the family.

  “Where are you going Rachael?”

  “Well... you know my father was sent abroad not so long ago but he has been sent back to England now and he is based at Fleet in Hampshire. There seems to be some change in the war strategy and some even think that the war will be over very soon.”

  Aggie thought about what Rachael had said and she thought of all the young lives that had been lost in the war; young, virile men, who could only obey orders, even if it meant a senseless death and she shuddered.

  “So you will be going to Fleet to be with him then, I suppose? I hope to God the war finishes soon, I really do,” she said, “but I’ll miss you Rachael we all will.” Aggie said nothing about Willie’s feelings, although to her, they were obvious and Rachael went into the hall to take her coat from the hallstand.

  “I’ll miss you all too,” she said quietly and stopped for a moment where she stood. “Will you please do something special for me Aggie?” she asked as Aggie helped her on with her coat.

  “Of course Rachael ... if I can...”

  The young Jewess hesitated as she straightened her headscarf around her collar.

  “I know you will be looking after Charlie’s grave so can you tell him in the way you do in your prayers, that I am with him always and that I shall always love him.”

  Aggie looked sad and the picture of the Carmelite Nuns loomed up in front of her

  “He knows that already Rachael. We all know how you loved each other. God will take care of him now and YOU and your prayers are much more valuable than mine, I can assure you, but don’t worry about the grave. It will always be cared for, I promise.”

  “Say good-bye then, to everyone for me Aggie. I’m sorry I’ve missed them.”

  “Good-bye Rachael.”

  Rachael had hardly reached the doorway when Aggie threw her arms around her.

  “Rachael... Rachael, God bless you always, my dear.”

  Rachael smiled “Shalom,” she said, “Shalom, my good friends .”

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  The letter arrived from the convent .and Aggie was accepted as a postulant in the Carmelite order of nuns ... She had no doubts about the sincerity of her vocational calling, but she had this niggling feeling that haunted her about leaving her family behind. She held the letter in her nervous hands and trembled. What would have given her untold joy and happiness a month ago ... now only brought her doubt and heartache. Perhaps the old priest was right after all ...Perhaps in his vision he had foreseen something like this. Perhaps she should have listened to him in the first place instead of being so self-willed and so obstinate and then she would never have gone for a second opinion, to young Father Kane. All sorts of doubts and anxieties crossed her mind. Should she tear the letter up? Should she write to the convent and tell them she had changed her mind and that they should forget the whole thing?

  “Was that the postman, Aggie?” Mary called out from the lounge. Aggie did not want to lie and even if she did, Mary was at her side before she could do anything about concealing the letter.

  “Yes, Mammy It was the postman.” she replied and handed the letter to her mother as she walked into the kitchen.

  Mary read it with mixed feelings. She was overjoyed for Aggie, but she knew
how much she would miss her. Mary Blair would never stop her children in anything they wanted to do in life, no matter how she felt about it herself. It was for them to choose their own way and for her to accept their decision and to be happy for them. She fingered a medal which she had around her neck as she spoke.

  “I’m happy for you Aggie,” she said as she put her arms around her eldest daughter and Aggie choked back her tears as she thanked her mother, but she looked over Mary’s shoulder as they embraced and realised that sort of conduct would be forbidden to her in future, if she went ahead with her intentions to become a Carmelite Nun. She would never have cuddles never have kisses and never be told anymore that she was needed by those she loved.

  “I will have six month’s trial as a postulant, Mammy. That’s six months in which to make up my mind and for the Nuns to make their decision as to whether I’m suited to their way of life or not It’s not final yet, not by a long chalk and anyway “ she felt her voice leaving her as she continued “The convent is only about five miles away “

  That five miles could just as well have been five hundred miles ...because Aggie knew that once she was in and her vows were made, she would never come home to her family ever again.

  She was beginning to weaken in her resolve and she was ashamed of the way she was feeling even if there was a certain pleasure in wanting to stay at home with her loved ones.

  Mary Blair knew, as a practising Catholic herself, the detachment that was expected of a Carmelite Nun. She had thought when she was very young, that she too might have had a vocation to the Religious life well, that was before she met Willie Blair and then her whole life was transformed and she was happier than she had ever thought it possible to be. William John Blair was her life. He ruled her heart and her head and she gave herself to him without reserve. She sighed as the memories became real to her once more. Tom was now her husband and she loved him, but William J. Blair had done something to her life which she could never forget. She had told Tom this fact before she married him and he had understood, telling her he had enough love for the both of them to succeed. She was happy ...Truly happy with Tom Carey and she thanked God for that blessing. Aggie started to dry some cups that had been washed and lay on the side of the sink. She didn’t know why she did it, since she had already washed then several times, without thinking.

  “Mammy ... If in the time of my postulant period you feel that you need to have me home again with you for any reason, you understand, because things do happen that change things in life for us ...you will let me know, won’t you? ...Promise?” She had interrupted Mary’s thoughts when she spoke.

  “My Darling, Aggie God will do what He wants and His will is always best for us in the long run, so have no fears but I just want you to be happy. You mustn’t give a thought to what we are doing, Darling. I have made my life. You have to go your way and God’s way, I’m sure.”

  Mary’s confidence was not so strong, but she could act well when necessary. She knew that Aggie would never be able to come home again, once she left to enter the convent but her respect for her daughter was profound and overruled her emotions. She was in awe of Aggie’s holiness and goodness and had been for many years ... ever since Aggie had entered into her teenage years especially and sometimes she could hardly believe that she had given birth to such an angel. Aggie always thought of herself as LAST in everything she said or did. She was humility personified and Mary felt that her daughter’s whole life had been a preparation for this step she was about to take. God had courted Aggie throughout her short life and He was now about to join her in eternal wedlock to His Divine Son. What mother well, what Catholic mother would not be proud? To be the bride of Christ was the greatest thing that Mary could imagine.

  She looked long and hard at her daughter as she held her lovingly at arm’s length.

  “You’re so lovely, my Darling So very lovely,” she said and she wanted to capture that moment. She wanted never to forget the young face that looked at her with so much love and devotion.

  “Did they say when you have to be at the convent, Aggie? I didn’t see any dates in the letter.” Mary lied innocently as she watched Aggie’s reaction.

  “Yes Mammy Friday the thirty-first of this month.”

  “Gracious That’s only three weeks away. You will have to get ready with all those things you’ll be required to take with you ...”

  “There’s not much Mammy and most of the things I already have.”

  Aggie’s heart sank as she said that and she realised, perhaps for the very first time in her life, just how attached she was to the little things that gave her pleasure.

  The letter had stipulated ... ‘NO PERSONAL ITEMS MAY BE RETAINED BY THE POSTULANT UPON HER ENTRANCE INTO THE COMMUNITY. NEITHER WILL SHE BE ALLOWED TO KEEP ANY PERSONAL ITEM DURING THE SPAN OF HER RELIGIOUS LIFE AS A CARMELITE NUN.’ Aggie reflected sadly ... ‘No pictures of the family No picture of her darling Charlie.’ ...Well what are pictures, she thought. I’d be a poor creature if I needed pictures to remind me of my lot

  She smiled and raised her eyes to heaven.

  “If that’s meant to be my first obstacle, God ...You’ll have to try again.”

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  The telephone rang and Mary was sitting in the lounge, knitting a little jacket for Fiona.

  The phone was at her elbow.

  “Hello” ...

  There was no answer and the line went dead. Mary puckered her brow and widened her eyes as she replaced the receiver. “Funny things, phones,” she remarked and went back to her knitting ... but it rang again after about ten minutes and she answered it the second time with the same results.

  “I do wish someone would speak to me ... Is there anyone there? Hello ...Hello ...”

  She replaced the receiver, but this time with a little more determination, just as Tom came into the room.

  “Love you Mary Carey,” he giggled, “Now doesn’t that sound very

  Poetic ...Mary Carey ...Mary Carey ...”

  “And I love you too,” she replied, “Now what do you want for dinner?”

  The telephone rang again and Mary stared at the instrument with frightened eyes.

  I’ve answered that thing several times, Tom and there’s nobody on the end of the line to speak to me.”

  “I’ll get it,” said Tom as he lifted the receiver in his hand and checked the time on his wrist watch. “Hello Can I help you?”

  His face took on a serious expression as he listened and Mary looked enquiringly at him.

  “I think you have the wrong number. I’m sorry,” he said and put the receiver down slowly, looking again at his watch.

  “Who was it, Tom?”

  “Just a wrong number, Darling ...” He paused as he looked around the room before he spoke again. “I’m just going to wash my hands and then I’d like a cuppa, please O.K.?”

  As he went upstairs, he wondered what would be the best thing to do. Sadie sounded as though she was in serious trouble, but he couldn’t have spoken to her when Mary was in the room. He came downstairs again shortly afterwards.

  “Mary, Love I’ve just remembered, I’ve left some things at the shop and I need them urgently. I should have brought them home with me. See you soon.”

  He made for the door and Mary called out after him.

  “Tom ... Tom ... what about your coffee ...”

  “Won’t be long ... Promise.” He called out as he left the house.

  He got into his car and drove to the street where he had left Sadie on his previous meeting, making a note of the street name in a little note book he had in the glove compartment and waited for what seemed ages, before she made her appearance. She came out from a doorway, half way down the street and Tom waited until she had come a little way along towards him before he opened the passenger door and beckoned for her to g
et in.

  “Sadie ...”

  “Oh! Tom. I didn’t know if you would come or not. I hoped you had recognised my voice and when you said I had the wrong number, I wasn’t sure.”

  “Sadie Your face,” Tom’s eyes narrowed and he became angry. “Has that bastard been thumping you again?” he barked. His patience was spent and he didn’t care any more about etiquette or good breeding. He wanted to strangle Robert Wells and with his own hands.

  “It’s not me I’m worried about Tom Its Fiona.”

  “What? Has he hit her too? Where is she?”

  “She’s with a friend of mine. She’s alright for the moment.”

  Tom was getting angrier as he sat listening to what Sadie was telling him and he interrupted her, raising his hand in front of her face.

  “That’s enough Sadie I’ve heard enough. Now you are coming home with me this very minute and we’ll go and collect Fiona on the way. Do you understand?”

  “But Tom ...”

  “No ... There’s no more buts, Sadie. This has got to stop.” She cried and he put his arm around her shoulder. “Now tell me where we can pick up Fiona.” ...As they drove away, Sadie dried her eyes.

  “ Tom I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I still love him and he has stood by me I mean, with Fiona and well, I don’t know if you know or not, but Robert is not Fiona’s father.”

  “That’s not the point, Sadie... That doesn’t give him the right to treat you the way he does. “

  “I know I know,” she said quietly, “but there’s another thing, Tom I’m pregnant.”

  Tom did not know what to say and they reached the friend’s house where Sadie collected the little girl. He was delighted to see Fiona but wished the circumstances could have been so very different.

  “Mary will love to see you both. She talks of nothing these days but Fiona and you can think things out better when you’re away from ...”

  “How is Mammy? Is she better now, after Charlie’s death?”