by T. L. Hayes
“I suppose that’s true. People seem to forget I have other interests.”
“So, tell me about some of your other interests.”
Bobby stopped walking and looked into Rachel’s eyes. “I’m interested in you.”
Rachel smiled. “Well of course, that goes without saying.”
Bobby laughed, then leaned down and very gently kissed her on the lips. Then he stepped back to look at her face. “You okay?”
She wasn’t sure what she expected kissing him to be like. She had no frame of reference for kissing a guy. She supposed it was a good thing that his face wasn’t scratchy with beard stubble. All in all though, it was just a nice, sweet kiss. “You have nice lips, Bobby Layton.”
“Thank you, Rachel, so do you. Can I kiss you again?”
She surprised herself by saying, “Yes.”
Instead of kissing her, however, he stepped away. “Good. Maybe later.”
“You’re a dork, but you’re also a very sweet boy.”
“Does this mean you forgive me?”
“Don’t know yet.” On impulse, Rachel dropped his hand and put her arms around his waist. She suddenly wanted to feel him next to her. He seemed somewhat surprised but obliged by putting both arms around her waist as well. Rachel put one hand on his chest and felt the flatness but felt something else also. “How many shirts are you wearing?”
“Under the flannel I have a T-shirt, a compression shirt, and a bra.”
“Compression? Does it hurt?”
“Sometimes. Especially if I wear it longer than I should, which is most of the time.” He gave a lopsided smile, then brushed a strand of hair off Rachel’s cheek.
“Why do you do it?”
“Because I don’t want to be a guy with tits. And it’ll be a while before I can afford the surgery.”
“You mean a double mastectomy, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
She threw her arms around him and hugged him. He returned her hug and buried his face in her hair. She wasn’t sure why she was suddenly getting emotional, but she knew she hated what he must have to go through to feel comfortable in his own skin. After a moment, she pulled away and said, “Come on Sweet Boy, I’m hungry.”
* * *
“So, how’d it go?”
After Bobby dropped Rachel off at her dorm with a nice, long, slow, sensual kiss, she called Rory. Rory asked her question before Rachel could get out anything more than hello.
“How’d you know I went out with him?”
“Because I know you.” Rachel could hear the humor in Rory’s voice and could picture the grin on her face.
“What do you mean by that?”
Rory chuckled. “I know you like him and when you like someone you don’t give up.”
“That makes me sound like a hunter hunting my prey.”
“If the Day-Glo orange vest fits.”
“See, I could never be a hunter. I could never wear something as horrid as Day-Glo orange or camouflage.”
“That’s true. So, give me all the details,” Rory asked, sounding amused.
“Ugh, now you sound just like the girls down the hall.”
“Do I? My apologies. I guess I’ve been hanging around you too long.”
“Do you want to hear this story or not?”
Chuckling, Rory said, “I’m sorry, go on.”
“Thank you. Okay, anyway, first off, I gotta say, after giving him a second chance I can say that he is actually one of the sweetest people I’ve ever gone out with, but also a big dork.” Rachel immediately felt like she was gushing but couldn’t help it and really didn’t want to stop.
“So you have a lot in common.”
“Aww, you think I’m sweet. Now stop interrupting.” Rachel told Rory all about the date, concluding with the kiss.
“You left out the best part.”
“No, I told you all the juicy details.”
“You didn’t mention if you’re going to see him again.”
“Oh, that. I’m not sure yet.”
“After all that, you’re not sure? How can you not be sure?”
At the moment, Rachel wished that she had been born earlier because she really wanted a phone cord to twirl around her fingers right about now. It was hard to show nervous agitation when talking on a cell phone. She settled for twirling a pen from one finger to the other with her free hand. Somehow, hemming and hawing was easier when you had something to do with your hands.
“Come on, Rachel, you can tell me. No judgment here, I hope you know that.”
“I do.” Rachel sighed. “Okay, here it is. I just don’t know if I’m up to this. Do you know the life he has in front of him?”
“Do you?”
“I’m beginning to. He told me he has to be on hormone shots for the rest of his life. Plus, he could wait for years to have the surgeries he needs because insurance won’t pay. In the meantime, he has to be physically uncomfortable because of all the crap he has to wear just to feel comfortable in his own skin. To say nothing of stupid people like me mistaking his gender.”
“First of all, you’re not stupid, you made an honest mistake. The fact that he still wants to go out with you means that it didn’t bother him, so don’t beat yourself up over it. The really stupid people are the ones who deliberately call him and others by the wrong gender.”
“People are assholes.”
“Not all, but a fair amount,” Rory said reasonably.
“So how do you know so much about it, anyway?”
“There’s a social justice group I’ve become involved with up here. I’ve met a lot of great people. Several of them are trans. I’ve learned a lot. And you’re right about his road ahead—it won’t be easy. He’ll need a good support system behind him.”
“Yeah, and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough.” Rachel sulked.
“Why do you think you’re not strong enough?”
“Rory, I couldn’t handle the thought of all he goes through just to flatten his chest. How am I supposed to handle everything else?” By now Rachel was pacing back and forth.
“Well, I do commend your caution. The last thing he’s going to need is someone who flakes out on him.”
“I know.”
“But, that being said, you’d be surprised what you can handle when you care about someone.”
“That sounds almost like a Christian platitude. That’s not like you.”
Rory laughed. “Okay fine. How about this—get your shit together and don’t make that sweet boy wait too long before you let him know either way.”
“Now see, that’s advice I can use.”
“I meant it about no judgment. Just don’t be an ass.”
“Okay, that’s enough practical wisdom for one day,” Rachel said matter-of-factly.
“Good luck.”
“Thank you.”
Chapter Four
Monday arrived, and Rachel hadn’t called Bobby but she’d texted him a few times in response to his inquires—whether or not she was okay, and when she wanted to get together again. She had put him off with a vague reply about having a lot of work to do and she would get back to him, which she was sure he saw through, but he didn’t push the issue, for which she was grateful. But she couldn’t help it. She didn’t know what to do. She liked him but did she like him enough to go on his journey with him? Did she like him enough to allow others to make assumptions about her identity? It was bad enough that as a femme lesbian people already thought she was straight. If she was on Bobby’s arm it would be a constant fight to keep her identity in place against an ignorant, narrow-minded society who thought their view was the only right and true one.
Monday afternoon Rachel walked into her stage combat class, the one she and Rory had been planning to take together, barely there, her mind full of thoughts of Bobby. The stage combat class was her favorite class, and she was discovering that she really liked sword fighting and the artful dance that was the well-choreographed fight scene.
>
Class was held in one of the multipurpose rooms in the theater building, as most days they didn’t need desks, just open space for sparring. They had met the first day in the same classroom in which Rory had met Maggie, which was fitting, considering that the class was taught by Maggie’s replacement, Dr. Louise Silver. Dr. Silver was quickly becoming Rachel’s favorite professor, though not in the same way Maggie had become Rory’s. Not because she wasn’t attractive, she was. Rachel had always been a sucker for curls, and Dr. Silver had a head full of honey blond ones. But she just didn’t go for older women. She did, however, adore Dr. Silver for a reason that had nothing to do with her looks. She was a total badass and knew what she was talking about. Plus, she was funny.
On the first day of class she had said, “Hello, everyone. I’m Dr. Silver and I’m your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.” The class had laughed appreciatively. Dr. Silver ruffled through the papers she had brought, pretending to look confused. “Wait, is that right? Am I in the wrong class?”
Rachel had muttered, “Great, she’s probably a Death Eater or something.” Some of her classmates chuckled.
Dr. Silver cocked her head and grinned. “I prefer to think I’m closer to Professor McGonagall than one of those, but I guess only time will tell, won’t it?”
Rachel liked that she could joke around with her professor—so many of her professors seemed to be more on the conservative side, and joking was not something they did. Plus, her referencing Harry Potter proved to Rachel that she was probably a big geek, and though she wasn’t one herself, Rachel could appreciate geekiness. Rory was kind of a geek and was often making references to geeky things that Rachel knew nothing about.
Now, with the fifth week of class starting, Dr. Silver was teaching Rachel and the rest of the class how to be just as badass as she was. Or, at least, that was Rachel’s goal. She knew Dr. Silver knew her way around a sword and was confident the woman could hold her own in a fight—a real one, not just onstage—even though she didn’t look the part of a fierce warrior. She looked like the academic she usually was. She wasn’t much taller than Rachel, maybe five-foot-six or so, with dark blond curls that went every which way if she didn’t batten them down during class. And when she referenced something geeky, which she often did, her face danced with such delight, it was just hard to believe she was capable of kicking anyone’s ass.
Dr. Silver had suggested to the class that they study types of movement in their spare time that she wouldn’t be covering during the semester, but that might be beneficial to their stage-fighting toolkits. All her recommendations were activities that involved coordination and flexibility, such as dancing, rock climbing, yoga, and martial arts.
Dr. Silver practiced a style of kung fu known as Wushu and had shown the class some videos of herself and others doing some of the movements. Rachel thought it looked lovely and more like dancing instead of fighting, it was so elegant. What really captivated her, however, was the fierce look on Dr. Silver’s face during her routines. Though her body was doing delicate things, her face was set in a determination that said, Don’t fuck with me. That’s the kind of badass Rachel wanted to be.
But all that being said, she wasn’t sure how these extracurricular activities would help with stage combat.
“Sensei, why should we learn this?”
Dr. Silver gave her the biggest of grins. “If you are going to use martial arts terminology to refer to me, please be sure to use the correct one. What you want to say is sifu. And to answer your question, Rachel, because it will teach you to be light on your feet. Plus, it’s just a really cool thing to know.” Dr. Silver cocked her head to the side, almost in a way that invited a challenge, but Rachel knew better.
“Just to be clear, did you say sure food? Cause that sounds more like a grocery store than a term of respect.”
“Close, Shǎguā, but drop the d.”
“What did you call me?”
“Shǎguā. It’s a Mandarin term. Look it up.” The grin never wavered from Dr. Silver’s face as she walked away from Rachel, who could only stand there looking puzzled.
“Mandarin? Geez, how many languages do you know?”
Dr. Silver turned and gave her a look she couldn’t read. All she said was, “Enough,” then turned back to the class. Rachel wasn’t sure if Dr. Silver was answering her question or admonishing her.
When Dr. Silver had her back turned, Rachel quickly pulled out her phone and typed a phonetic spelling of the word she had been called into the internet search bar but nothing came up in the search. “Hey, Dr. Silver, how can I look it up if I don’t know how to spell it?”
Dr. Silver turned around with an amused sigh. “Ah, the question students have asked throughout the ages. How’d you spell it?” Rachel turned her phone around and showed her the screen. “Ah, I see what you did there. You have to put U in there.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re insulting me?”
“Rachel, I am a respected professor and well thought of in my field. I would never insult my students, all of whom I have nothing but respect for.” Then she winked.
Just as Dr. Silver was walking away, Rachel found the proper spelling of the word and cried out, “Hey! That wasn’t nice!” Yet she couldn’t help but be amused. She had been acting silly and figured she kind of deserved the insult.
With her ever-present grin, Dr. Silver faced Rachel and bowed and said something else in Chinese.
“Apology accepted.”
“You knew that one, huh?”
“Figured it out.”
“Good show, Rachel, good show. Now can I get back to the rest of class?”
“Go ahead, don’t let me stop you.”
“Thank you.”
They shared a smile as Dr. Silver walked away. Rachel’s thoughts briefly returned to Bobby again and she realized that she should stop avoiding him and just call or text him. She really had had a good time with him and he was a really good kisser. Dr. Silver’s right. I am a simpleton. Even though she knew she should be paying attention to what Dr. Silver was saying, something about a war fan, whatever that was, she couldn’t wait any longer. She pulled her phone back out and texted Bobby. I’m sorry I’ve been unavailable the last couple of days. Forgive me? Can we get together one day this week?
The reply took several minutes. Just when Rachel was about to give up and put the phone back in her pocket, her phone vibrated and the notice appeared on her home screen that Bobby had replied. Forgiven. I understand you’re busy. I don’t expect or need constant contact. Yes. When?
Rachel could feel the grin on her face she couldn’t suppress. She replied, I have no classes tomorrow. Are you busy then?
I have to work tomorrow night at six but I am free until then. What do you want to do?
Fast forward through the twenty minutes where we ask that question back and forth and get to the part where I just say I want to hang out with you. Talk. Ask you more embarrassing questions.
LOL. Okay. How’s one or so?
Perfect.
“Rachel?”
Rachel jerked her head up at the sound of her name and quickly put her phone in her pocket before she tuned back in to Dr. Silver trying to get her attention. “Yes? What?”
“I know for a fact that this class costs more than your cell phone plan, so one would think you would want to be in this moment, with the rest of us, instead of with whoever is on the other end of that conversation. I am requesting your attention for another thirty minutes, at least.”
“Sorry Dr. Silver. Won’t happen again.”
“Good.”
* * *
Bobby had shown up at her dorm an hour ago, and now Rachel was lounging with her back against her headboard, her knees drawn up to her chest. Bobby was lying at the end of the bed, in the far corner, looking at her with a mysterious smile on his face.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
The smile didn’t waver when he said, “No reason,” and just sh
ook his head.
“I think I know what that smile means.”
“Do you?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“What’s it mean?”
“I think you’re thinking about the fact that I let you on my bed and you’re wondering just how much more I’ll let you get away with.” She flashed him a smile of her own.
“No, I wasn’t thinking that.”
“Okay, then what were you thinking?”
“I see the embarrassing questions portion of the day has started.” Bobby shifted and readjusted himself in the corner. His movement made Rachel laugh.
“Well, how embarrassing could it be if you weren’t thinking of taking advantage of me? And why weren’t you thinking of taking advantage of me?”
“Too early for that.” Bobby didn’t sound like he was teasing. “I mean, early in the sense of knowing you.” Bobby shrugged.
“Aww.” They shared a smile. Rachel extended her legs and poked him in the knee with her toes, which was the only part of her body she could reach with if she didn’t want to change position, and she didn’t, and asked, “So, seriously, what’s going through that head of yours?”
“Nothing, really—I’m just glad you texted, Rachel. I was wondering if you would. I mean, like I said, I’m not the type of guy who needs to talk to you every day or who gets worried if it takes all day for a text back. But I know you’ve had your issues with me and I respect that too.” This time, Bobby gave her a soft smile and put his hand on top of her denim-clad leg.
“It’s not so much that I have issues with you, but I’d be an idiot if I let some bullshit label stand in the way of getting to know you better.”
“And your friends?”
“What about them?”
“I got the impression they were, at the very least, fascinated by me, and at the most, probably nosy as hell.”
Rachel laughed. “Yeah, that’s putting it mildly. As I said before, I don’t care what those nosy wenches think. They don’t control what I do and they’re not really my friends. They’re just people I get bored enough to hang out with sometimes. I really only have one true friend and she and her future wife moved away over the summer. And I know they support me and have my back.”
