Sweet Boy and Wild One

by T. L. Hayes

  “Thank you. I’ll remember that. I gotta go. See you next week. I promise I’ll be back to my old self and challenging whatever you’re doing. Just because I can.”

  “Not just because you can. Just because it’s fun.”

  “As you say.” Rachel steepled her hands in front of her chest and gave a small bow. “Good day, Dr. S.”

  Dr. Silver chuckled. “Good day, Rachel.”

  Rachel waved as she walked out the door. She hadn’t realized that she had been that distracted during class, to the point that it had been noticed. She had alternately been thinking about Bobby and Lori—more to the point, Lori’s comments about how dating Bobby made Rachel look.

  She was self-aware enough to know that she reacted so strongly to Lori because Lori was just voicing things that had been going through her mind since the night she’d met Bobby. Despite how much she liked him and wanted to explore whatever it was that was happening with him, she still wasn’t sure.

  But if she was honest, when they had been kissing on her bed the day before, the thought of him being trans hadn’t crossed her mind at all. Instead, all she’d thought about was how great a kisser he was and wondering how long she could restrain herself from ripping off his clothes.

  That thought was wonderful, but it also brought questions to mind about the general logistics of things. Would he wear a strap-on? Would he want to be touched? Would the binding he wore to flatten his chest come off?

  And the question at the core of everything that bothered her the most: Would she still find Bobby attractive once his body started to change?

  What did it mean about her sexuality if she was attracted to him and so willing to date a guy? Being bi was cool. The intellectual part of her brain would sometimes kick in and suggest that maybe she was bi…but she knew she really wasn’t. She felt it in the core of her being that she was a lesbian. She had never been attracted to men. So why did the thought that people like Lori would think she was bi bother her so much?

  She knew she should have been able to shake it off but she couldn’t, and she couldn’t explain why. Maybe she did need someone to talk to about these things, but would it feel weird talking to her professor? Of course, she had already discussed this with Rory. But she wanted a new perspective.

  Did she have the courage to make Dr. Silver her confidant? How weird would that be? Maybe another day. Rachel sighed. One more thing she had an issue about apparently.

  * * *

  The following day, Rachel realized that she still wasn’t sure what direction to go. She decided that maybe talking to Dr. Silver wasn’t such a bad idea after all. What could it hurt? She knocked on Dr. Silver’s office door somewhat tentatively. This was the first time she had ever had a reason to attend her office hours.

  From within, Rachel heard Dr. Silver’s soft voice say, “Come in.”

  Dr. Silver smiled at her as she walked in. “Ms. Cole. How can I help you?”

  Rachel closed the door behind her and took a seat next to the desk.

  “Well, you mentioned that I could come see you.” Rachel wasn’t sure why she felt so nervous. She wasn’t sure if the professor actually was intimidating or if it was just the thought of talking to someone she hardly knew about something so personal.

  Dr. Silver set her pen down, leaned back in her chair, and clasped her hands together. “Yes, yes, I did. What’s on your mind?”

  “Uh, well, it’s kind of complicated.”

  “Naturally. Is it a school-related issue, or something more personal?”

  The look Dr. Silver gave Rachel was intense but kind. All the same, it had the opposite effect than Rachel was sure the professor intended. Instead of putting her at her ease, when Rachel looked Dr. Silver in the eye, suddenly the kindness was too much. She stood up hastily.

  “You know what, never mind. You’re my professor, not my therapist, and this is a personal problem and not a school problem, so I should go. Sorry for bothering you.” Rachel took a step toward the door.

  “Rachel, wait.” Dr. Silver’s voice was commanding without being forceful. Rachel responded to it by turning around. “Do you drink coffee?”

  “I’m sorry, what now?”

  “Well, I was thinking it might be a good idea to get out of here and go someplace less stuffy.”

  Rachel considered. “Yeah, I drink coffee. Fine, I suppose I can let you buy me a cup of coffee.”

  Dr. Silver grinned. “Mind if we go Dutch?”

  Rachel grinned back. “I get it. This is not a date.”

  Dr. Silver shook her head, her grin never wavering. “Something like that. Come on, let’s go.” Dr. Silver moved past her and opened the door, then gestured for Rachel to walk out ahead of her. Rachel walked out of the office, and Dr. Silver followed, locking her door behind her.

  * * *

  They got coffee at the campus food court, then took the short walk to the man-made pond, found a bench with no one else around, and sat there in silence for a minute or two while Rachel sipped her coffee, the cup clasped with both hands, and Dr. Silver sat casually looking out at the water. Rachel had the feeling Dr. Silver was waiting for her to speak first, since the professor just sat there in companionable silence with a peaceful look on her face.

  Finally, Rachel said, “I wonder how many people have fallen in love in front of this sad little hole in the ground. My best friend Rory had a nice romantic moment here. I did too, actually. Maybe there’s magic here.” Startled by her own thought, Rachel sipped from her cup again. What’s wrong with me? I am not a sentimental fool.

  Dr. Silver smiled. “That would be nice.”

  “Yeah. Bobby and I had our first kiss here.”

  “Really? Good spot for it.”

  “Yep. It was on the other side, over there.” Rachel pointed to a spot on the other side of the pond. Dr. Silver nodded.

  “Sounds like the start of something good.”

  “Something is the operative word. I’m not sure what to call it.”

  “Who says you have to define it at all?”

  “That’s true. I don’t, I guess. Maybe if I stopped trying to do that, I wouldn’t be having the problem I’m having right now.”

  “Which is?”

  Rachel sighed. “Okay, first, if you don’t know, I’m a lesbian.”

  “Okay. Me too.”

  “Really? Awesome! Sisterhood is powerful, amirite?” Rachel put up her fist and Dr. Silver bumped it, laughing.

  “Right.”

  “So, I’ve been out since high school and I’ve had my share of relationships. Probably more than my share, if truth be known.”

  “Don’t worry about that, that number means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Your body and your heart are to do with as you wish,” Dr. Silver said vehemently. “Sorry, getting off my soapbox now. Go on.”

  “Thank you for saying that. You’re right. Anyway, I’ve got a type I’m generally attracted to—butches, you know? The kind that wear men’s clothes and have short haircuts, and fix things and have dirt under their nails and play sports. The point is, I have a type I generally gravitate toward, and when I met Bobby, I thought Bobby fit into that category fine but there was a little problem.”

  “Not as butch as you thought?”

  “Um, no, not that. Bobby’s a…Bobby’s trans.”

  “Ah, I see. That is an interesting predicament.”

  “Yeah. I mean, I’m not bi, never have been. I’m pretty secure in that. But other people are going to think I am. Some of my friends have already accused me of it—well, accused is the wrong word. Labeled, I guess. I just don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life explaining that.”

  “Sounds like you need new friends, friends who wouldn’t need an explanation.”

  “Beginning to think the same thing.”

  “Rachel, can I ask you a question?” Dr. Silver turned so that she was facing Rachel, and Rachel did the same, with one knee resting on the bench.

  “Anything you want.”<
br />
  “Did you know I was gay before I mentioned it?”

  “No, actually it never occurred to me. Unlike my best friend, I try not to think about my professors’ sex lives.”

  Dr. Silver laughed. Sobering, she said, “The reason I asked is to make this point. You wouldn’t have known I was gay if I hadn’t chosen to out myself to you. Because I present myself the way I do, my sexuality is not readily apparent, unlike the butches you are attracted to, whose sexuality is apparent in their clothing and their walk, as well as other external factors. I am what one of my friends calls stealth gay. I accept this about myself and in accepting it, I also know that I will spend the rest of my life choosing whether or not to come out to people, based on the circumstances. But it’s my choice as well as it is yours and just a fact of life I accept in order to live my life the way I want to.”

  “That makes sense and I get it, but it’s more than that. It’s other people’s assumptions I don’t think I can handle.”

  “People are always going to assume something about you that isn’t true, based more on their preconceived notions than your actual behavior. That’s not something you can control, so you shouldn’t waste your time worrying about it. Personally, I think the main thing to think about is how you really feel about this young man and what kind of relationship you want to have with him. The rest will work itself out in time. And besides, I imagine, like me, sometimes you already have to out yourself. This shouldn’t be much different.”

  Rachel nodded her head thoughtfully. “You make a lot of sense.”

  “Of course. They don’t just give these jobs away, you know.” They shared a smile, and then Dr. Silver gave Rachel a sideways glance. “Are you sure the thought of your own identity is the only thing that worries you?”

  Rachel returned the sideways look. “Well…there are a couple other things.”

  “Such as?”

  Rachel shrugged. “What if I’m not attracted to him when he starts to change? What if the sex is weird?” Then, much softer, she voiced her main concern. “What if I’m not strong enough for him?”

  Dr. Silver exhaled. “Those are some weighty things to be concerned about.”

  “Yeah.”

  “First of all, he’s not suddenly going to turn into a werewolf. From my friends who’ve transitioned, I can say that the bodily changes that occur are gradual and may take years. I doubt you will even notice them all that much. As for the sex, all sex is weird, but sex is sex and, no matter how you come together or what genders you are, always has to be negotiated so both parties have mutual enjoyment. As for the last one, if this is a relationship built upon understanding and is meant to last, you will become his biggest ally whether you realize it or not. That is all the wisdom a cup of coffee gets you, I’m afraid. I just hope it was helpful.”

  Rachel slowly smiled. “Yeah, yeah, it was. What I took from that is you’re telling me to get my shit together, it’s not all about me, but if I care about him it’ll all work out one way or another, and to just not think about it.”

  Dr. Silver laughed. “If that’s what you got out of it and it’s useful, then yes, that’s what I said.”

  “Okay, I can do that. Thanks, Dr. S.”

  “Call me Lou. Though not in class, don’t want the others to get jealous.” Lou gave Rachel a sardonic smile.

  “God forbid. Or think I’m doing what Rory did.”

  “Oh, yes. I’ve heard about that. So Rory’s your friend?”

  “Yeah. She may be hot for teacher, but I do not suffer from that malady. That is, of course, unless we’re talking about Dr. Baskin. No offense.”

  Lou laughed. “None taken. I wish them much happiness and think what happened to them, that she felt she had to leave, was shitty. But, by the same token, I’m not into dating my students. Not that I’m judging her in the slightest, just not my thing.”

  “Good. I want to earn my A the old-fashioned way, by coasting most of the semester, then fevered panic during finals.”

  “And you shall. I play no favorites.”

  “Wouldn’t want you to.”

  “Just glad I could help.” Lou stood up from the bench. “Now I need to go. Pages to grade before I sleep, pages to grade before I sleep. I’ll see you in class, Ms. Cole.”

  “Yes, you will.”

  As Dr. Silver walked away, Rachel stayed where she was, looking out at the calm water. She realized that she wanted her life to be like that pretty little man-made hole in the ground: calm but magical.

  Chapter Six

  Bobby was sitting on his brother’s couch, zoned out, playing some violent video game, when his brother Chris came in wearing nothing but flannel boxers and carrying a large bowl of cereal. He sat down next to Bobby and proceeded to eat his breakfast.

  After a minute or two of Bobby not acknowledging his presence, Chris spoke. “Why are you playing this?”

  “I don’t even know what this is.”

  “How can you not know?”

  “It’s what was in the machine. I get to kill things. Violently. That’s all I care about.”

  “I respect that.” The silence grew between them for another minute or two. “Behind you.”

  “Yeah, I know. I can actually see that, you know?”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  A couple of bites later and Bobby was still staring at the screen, almost trancelike.

  “All right, what’s wrong?” Chris asked.

  “Nothing. I’m doing well. Look at my score.”

  “You know what I mean. Why are you killing things in the first place? I thought you hated stuff like this.”

  Bobby shrugged. “Felt like it.”

  Chris set his now empty bowl on the coffee table, and then sat back into the corner of the couch. “Little bro, I’ve known you how long?”

  Bobby didn’t answer, but a corner of his mouth lifted in a smile.

  “I know something ain’t right with you. Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to beat it out of you?” Chris knuckle punched Bobby on the shoulder, not very lightly.

  “Ow, you fucker!” Bobby paused his game and smacked his brother on the bare thigh, causing Chris to yelp and making Bobby laugh. “That’s what you get.”

  “Fine, don’t talk to me, asshole, see if I care.”

  “Why are you so interested in my sex life, anyway?”

  “Who said anything about your sex life? What’s wrong with your sex life? I thought you were seeing some hot blond chick?”

  Bobby leaned back against the couch with a sigh. “So did I. She hasn’t called or texted me in three days.”

  “So? I thought things like that didn’t bother you.”

  “I’m usually good with it because I know everyone’s busy. But this is different. I know she’s had issues about dating a trans guy. It just makes me worry that she’s changed her mind or something.” He shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess I thought she was different and would be able to get over it. Guess I was wrong.”

  “Wow, that sucks. Well, there’s other chicks in the sea. You’ve never had a problem getting laid. Don’t let this one get to you.”

  “But I want this one. And I thought she wanted me.”

  “You know, Little Man, that communication works both ways, right?”

  “You think I haven’t texted her? I’ve sent her a couple of texts and she hasn’t responded. I don’t want to send more than that and look pathetic. I just miss her. I thought we really connected.” Bobby shifted his gaze to the side dejectedly.

  “Dude, if you’re going to be a guy, you gotta grow some balls.”

  Bobby laughed. “It doesn’t quite work that way.”

  “No, I mean, grow a pair!”

  “I wish I could!”

  “No, I meant…be bold, don’t just sit around here and mope. Don’t be a pussy just because you still have one.” Chris caught Bobby’s wrist before he could land the blow.

  “Asshole. Let go.” Bobby struggled to pull his arm free. Chris relea
sed him and he rubbed his wrist.

  “I meant, chase her. Show up at her door. Don’t just sit here being a punk-ass bitch,” Chris said goading him.

  “Maybe. We’ll see.”

  “If you don’t, you’ll turn into one of those folks who sit on the couch all day playing video games and arguing with twelve-year-olds. If you don’t make a move, someone else will. Go find a way to be a hero in real life and get off my couch.”

  “I never knew you were such a romantic,” Bobby teased.

  “Fuck you. Now I have to go get dressed and pick up Marissa. See you later. Remember what I said.” Chris got off the couch, picked up his bowl, and left the room.

  “Be a hero.” Bobby’s voice trailed off, as he stayed where he was, lost in thought.

  * * *

  “Okay, so why haven’t you talked to him in three days?” Rory sounded confused, as well as slightly annoyed, although Rachel wasn’t sure why Rory would be pissed at her.

  “Can’t a girl have second thoughts?” Rachel lay back on her bed, one knee up with her other foot crossed on top of it. She started to twirl her hair, a nervous habit she hated. She stopped abruptly.

  “Yeah, but I think you’re on your third or fourth thoughts. What’s the deal?”

  “I just want to be sure. I don’t want to lead him on.”

  Rory sighed. “Stop it.” This time there was no question she was annoyed.

  “Stop what?”

  “Stop letting the rest of the world get to you. I thought you had put that issue to rest. You told off Lori, you made out with him, and you got a sizable hickey for good measure. So what the hell happened that made you third-guess yourself?”

  Rachel sighed. “Nothing special. Just thinking too much.”

  “Well, stop that too. All thinking does is get you in trouble. Who was it who scolded me when I said I had to have a think about proposing to Maggie? Who was it who said I should propose because I love her? That I didn’t need a better reason?”

  “Well, of course that great advice came from me, but what does that have to do with me and Bobby? I sure as hell am not ready to propose to the boy.” Rachel giggled.