“Oh, good,” Steph piped up, “I have math, which is right beside bio. I can walk you there.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, breaking my eye contact with Colin to shake my head.
“I insist,” he said, reaching out to pluck my books from my arms. “Here, I’ll even take your stuff for you—”
Before Steph could even touch one book, another hand intercepted him and took them away.
I looked up sharply and my heart melted just a little when I saw Colin bearing down on Steph. His hood was off, and despite the serious expression on his face, the way the back of his hair was sticking up made him look adorable. “Hey, man, it’s alright. I can handle this,” he said and, without waiting for a response, turned his back to Steph.
He smiled at me. “Hey, babe,” he said, quite loudly.
He’s still pretending I’m his girlfriend, I noted with a small happy flutter of my heart. “H-Hi,” I sputtered out, grinning.
I didn’t get to see Steph’s reaction, but when I spared him a look, he was already walking away.
When I looked back up at Colin, his eyes had widened with pleasant surprise as he glanced down at my outfit.
A little cleavage, I remembered Bridgette saying. I took a deep breath and straightened my back, trying to make my chest seem bigger. I watched Colin carefully, but all he did was blink and clear his throat. “So, uh, was he…was he bothering you?”
I waved a dismissive hand. “No, he was just…being really friendly.”
“Friendly?” he scoffed. “Right. More like flirty. He probably got caught in your trap.”
“What trap?” I asked, swatting him on the arm.
He gestured at my clothes. “I mean, you do look different. What’s with the get-up?”
“Nothing,” I said, “I just felt like trying out something new.”
He grinned. “Is it for me?”
I swear this boy could see right through me. But I had to keep up the charade. I pushed my hair back behind my shoulders and looked up at him from under my lashes. I closed the distance between us and asked, “Why? Do you like it?”
Colin swallowed, staring at me. From that point, I could see his pupils dilating. “I, um…” he started and then laughed nervously, arranging my books on his arm so that they were easier for him to carry. “Well, it looks great on you, just…” He hesitated before handing me my books back and slipping his backpack off. He unzipped the sweatshirt he was wearing and draped it over my shoulders. It was still warm from his body heat and when I took a clandestine sniff, I inhaled his scent—a mixture of cologne and laundry detergent and that irresistible boy smell.
“I think it’ll be better if you put on a jacket or something,” he said, putting his bag back on. Under the sweatshirt, he wore a gray V-neck. “Wouldn’t want you to catch a cold or, you know, catch some boys.”
He cares. And maybe he’s even a little jealous. The thought was so humbling, so overwhelming, that for a moment I could only smile. I giggled behind my hand and said, “Don’t worry, I think you scared off pretty much any guy who’d want to come near me.”
He laughed, shaking his head. “Still, you wouldn’t like half of the things they’ll be thinking of, even from faraway. So just keep it on, okay?” he asked and I nodded. “Well, I have to bounce. History’s my first class and you know how Mrs. Keys is.”
“Oh, yeah sure,” I said, nodding and gesturing for him to go. He started to turn away and my eyes traveled down to the back pocket of his jeans where my black notebook was peeking out. I panicked, and before I could even settle on a decision, I hastily called after him, “Colin!”
He looked back at me, raising his eyebrows questioningly.
“Can you—can you meet me under the bleachers later during lunch?” I swallowed nervously, feeling my cheeks go warm.
He seemed pretty surprised, but if he thought my behavior was odd, he didn’t comment about it. “Okay,” he shrugged.
“Okay.” I bit my lip. “So I’ll see you later?”
“See you,” he promised, smiling, and then left for his class. Once he was a couple of feet away, I leaned back against the cold metal lockers and sighed. I clutched Colin’s jacket close to me. I took a big gulp of air and pushed myself off the lockers, shaking my head and heading to my own class.
***
I kicked at the ground with the heel of my boot, stabbing at the mud and grass as I waited for Colin.
The sun was suspended high in the sky, glaring down on the open field like a bully that wouldn’t let you go that easily, but the bleachers were able to provide some shade for me despite the slivers of light that passed between them. I paced back and forth, and even with Colin’s jacket on, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my shoulders.
To say that I was nervous was an understatement. I was nerve-wracked. Colin could come any minute now and I had to do this right or I was going to lose my chance forever. I was a little mouse preparing to grab for the cheese, knowing that if I didn’t do it as fast as I could I’d get caught in the trap. Again.
I still wasn’t sure if I should really do this particular plan, since I didn’t want to kiss him or even make out for this kind of reason. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I wanted every single kiss to be real and heartfelt.
As if it was real and heartfelt on his side, I thought dejectedly.
Just on time, I heard the sound of footsteps crunching on the grass. I whirled around and saw Colin jogging towards me, running a hand through his hair. He raised an arm to wave at me and I waved back.
“Hey,” he said once he was only a foot away from me, “sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get past Roman and the others without them following me here, but I took care of them. So why did you want to meet up here—”
This was it. I gathered up my courage and took a step forward so that we were just inches away. I tentatively wrapped my arm around his neck, pulling him down towards me, kissing him right on the lips.
My eyes were squeezed shut and I was probably a sloppy and pathetic kisser, but Colin didn’t seem to mind. He was surprised, but he quickly fit into his role and kissed me back, his hands resting on my waist.
I fought the waves of desire that washed over me, trying to drag me down to the bottomless sea that was Colin. I guided my hand down his back, slowly making my way to the black notebook, but before I could even reach it, Colin pulled away from me, breathless. “Wow,” he said, grinning boyishly, “that was nice. But what was that for?”
My hand stayed completely frozen on the small of his back. I was so close. I smiled up at him, the fingers of my free hand playing with the hair at the back of his neck. “Nothing. I just figured you needed a kiss.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply and instead kissed him again, this time pulling on his belt loops.
He smiled against my lips and leaned forward, pushing me back until I was pressed up against a wall, trapped. I told myself to focus, my hand blindly searching for the leather skin of the black notebook. For a moment I was able to brush its pages, but then Colin tilted my head back to deepen the kiss, his hands trailing down my back, and I lost myself in him.
When we finally detached ourselves from each other, the bell was ringing in the distance. Lunch period was over.
“As much as I’d love to go on,” he whispered to my ear, his breath warm, “we’re going to be late if we don’t get back.”
I giggled and nodded, pushing him gently on the chest so I could remember what it was like to breathe. “Yeah, we should get back.”
The shelter that the bleachers provided kept us from prying eyes, but the moment we stepped out of its shadow, we were left in the open for anyone to spot. A couple of students were jogging, their speeds directly proportional to how often the P.E. teacher blew the whistle. Nobody saw us walking by, or, if some of them did, they pretended not to notice.
My heel got caught in the dirt and I wobbled a bit. I felt Colin’s hand close around my wrist, steadying me, but
even when I righted myself, he never let go. He held my hand, fingers laced, and we swung them a bit, in tune to the rhythm of our footsteps.
What am I doing? I thought. I failed again. I should just give up. I’m always so close, but it’s never enough, and I’m pretending to be the girlfriend of this guy, letting him kiss me and play with me when he feels nothing for me. But I don’t want to let go either. How is it possible to be this happy and sad at the same time?
We didn’t talk on the way to the main building, and I was grateful for that. A comfortable silence dawned on us as we busied ourselves with our own respective thoughts. Soon, we were ducking inside the entrance doors, making a short trip down a hall and then it was time for us to go our separate ways.
Our classes were right across from each other, and we stood there on the borderline, still holding hands while everyone else was getting settled in their seats in the classrooms.
At first, Colin was staring down at our joined hands, silent, and then he glanced up at me. He looked confused as he asked, “Seven, are you okay?”
I mirrored his furrowed eyebrows. “What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine.” It was half-true.
“No, it’s just…you don’t seem like yourself today.”
Giving him a reassuring smile, I slowly pulled my hand away from his grasp. “Really?” I asked, hoping my voice didn’t betray me. “I don’t feel much of a difference.” It was entirely false. I did feel something. I felt pained, like I was an empty water bottle twisted around just because of somebody else’s boredom, the plastic creaking and crunching, already on the point of snapping. I was a wire gone taut, stretched far past my limit.
This endless and blatantly hopeless chase after the notebook and now, my heart after Colin, was tiring me out. It was about time I felt overwhelmed by it all.
“Are you sure?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at me. I started walking backwards, toward my classroom. “Of course I’m sure! We are talking about me here, right? This is normal—” I staggered, and the back of my head connected with the door frame, earning me a bump. “Ow,” I said, massaging my skull.
Colin stood by the door of his class, laughing. “You’re right. This is normal.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, and he chuckled and smiled—a gorgeous smile that was soft and gentle and sweet as a fluffy pillow after an exhausting day. It was a smile that said that they were proud of you. It made you want to smile too.
Bye, he mouthed.
Bye, I mouthed back. I give up, I thought. I can’t do this anymore.
Entry 17: One Last Try
Date: April 10, 2013
“Alright, what have you done to my best friend?” Roman leaned his shoulder against the locker beside mine and tilted his head to peer at my face.
“What exactly are you accusing me of?” I asked, calmly depositing my books without looking at him. The skirt, the halter, and the heels were gone; I was back in my comfortable blue jeans and sneakers, but I might as well have been naked in front of Roman’s questioning gaze.
“Well, he said he was going to meet up with you yesterday.”
My eyes widened in immediate surprise at this, but I covered it up by blinking rapidly. Colin told his friends about me? I originally thought he would do the contrary since we weren’t even a real couple. Telling his friends he had a girlfriend when in fact he didn’t would only complicate things…
As I considered the possibilities of why he did it, Roman continued, “We tried to follow him but he managed to escape. He came back after lunch period with a grin literally splitting his face. He looked happy drunk.” He shook his head in disbelief. “So, what did you do?”
I flushed. I had no idea I’d affected Colin in that way. But how could I? Ever since yesterday’s lunch period, I’d tried my best to avoid him, pretend I couldn’t see him or hear him whenever he called my name in the busy halls.
I’d already given up on the black notebook so I didn’t see any other reason to go out of my way and talk to him. I wanted to, of course, but I was tired of this rollercoaster of ups and downs, of actually hoping that he really did have feelings for me and then effectively convincing myself that it was all just a joke to him.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Roman cocked an eyebrow. “You do know that your reddening face is betraying your words, right?”
I glared at him for pointing it out, but it only made his smile grow wider. “So you guys did do something.” He clicked his tongue and shook his head. “I knew it. And to think I had such faith in you, Seven, that you would resist Colin’s charms.”
“Look,” I sighed, “we didn’t do anything like that, okay?”
“Well, whatever it is you guys did and won’t tell me, it actually made him really happy,” he said. “I’ve never seen him like this before. Maybe I did way back, but it’s probably been so long that I’ve forgotten about it.”
I shook my head, keeping my hands busy with my books. “Nah, it can’t be me.”
Roman glanced up and, smiling, nodded his head towards someone over my shoulder. “Why don’t you let him decide that for himself?”
I whirled around, twisting to see what he meant. Colin stood just a classroom away from us, stuffing a book inside his bag and swinging it over his shoulder. He looked up, casting a glance over the crowd until he finally spotted Roman and me. He watched me tentatively, cautiously, waiting for my response. A smile bloomed on my lips and only then did he grin.
Colin walked over to us and once he was right in front of me, he said, “Hi.”
“Hi,” I said shyly, feeling my heart leap, only to hurt like it always did whenever my uncertainties of his intentions came rushing back.
“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just the wallpaper here,” Roman said sardonically, giving Colin and me a look.
Colin laughed and patted his friend’s shoulder. “Good to see you too, buddy.”
“No, really,” Roman deadpanned, cocking an eyebrow. He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Alright, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone now—”
“No, it’s okay,” I quickly said. “I was just about to head to class anyway. You two go together.”
Colin leaned close to whisper to me, “Do you want me to walk you to your class?”
“You are terrible at whispering,” Roman commented, shaking his head in disappointment.
I smiled at Roman and told Colin, “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll be okay.”
“Okay then.” He nodded. I started to leave, my sneaker already coming into contact with the floor and squeaking, when he suddenly grabbed my arm. I looked back over my shoulder at him and he asked, “Do you…do you want to hang out later after school?”
I blinked in surprise. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Kind of,” he shrugged, ”my mom wants to give you something, and I was thinking you could stay for a while afterwards …” He smiled weakly. “Is there something wrong with that?”
Say no. Say no. You don’t need to talk to his family and you don’t need to hang out, especially not with him. Just keep your distance and actually get a move on. “I guess not,” I answered instead, smiling back at him. “So, yeah, I’m free anyway.”
His green eyes lit up. “That’s great! So I—I’ll see you later okay? Let’s meet up, say, by the gate? I can be there right after school ends.”
“Okay,” I said. “Yeah, that would be perfect.”
“Okay,” he laughed softly, running a hand through his hair. All around us, the school bell resonated against the walls. Colin had to raise his voice over it, plus the shuffling of feet. “Bye, Seven!”
I waved goodbye and went on to my next class, hoping I hadn’t made a mistake I was soon going to regret.
***
The day felt almost empty without the teeming of murmured stories and secrets, and it was strange to walk in these same halls, talking to people but not having to keep any more of their secrets.
It made me consider the possibility that they’d actually run out of secrets to tell.
It was only during the period before lunch that the world seemed normal again.
“Seven,” Amy said, her voice snatching me out of my daydream.
I turned to her and smiled. “Hey, what’s up?”
She bent towards me and grinned as she whispered, “So, remember last time when I told you I wanted to get Tim’s number?”
“Tim…oh, Timothy? Yeah, I remember,” I said, and I actually did. I looked around our classroom and spotted his dark head near the front with his friends. “So? Were you able to get it?”
“Mm-hmm,” she sang cheerfully, her eyes flickering towards Tim before returning to me. “I was able to text with him a couple of times. We talk more often nowadays, actually. He even confessed that he doesn’t know how to swim!” she gushed. “And he’s being all shy about it because he thinks people will make fun of him and stuff, so please don’t tell anyone okay? Darn, he’s so cute.” She sighed dreamily and I laughed, observing her as she went on about Timothy, a light in her eyes.
It’s amazing how one person can change everything around you. They can turn your storms into sunshine and make your empty gray canvas a bright array of colors and light. And when you’re with that one person who has your heart in their hands, everything’s just perfect.
Until it’s not anymore.
***
As he promised, by the time I arrived at the gates from my last class, Colin was already standing, waiting, hands in his pockets and his bottom lip in between his teeth. I resisted the urge to run at him and jump into the safety of his arms. Stupid hormones.
I walked casually towards him, nodding in acknowledgement at the other people who passed me by. When I came to a stop in front of him, he was already smiling down at me.
“Ready to go?” he asked, to which I nodded.
Even though school was just let out, there were already empty spaces among the many other cars in the senior parking lot. Colin led me to his pickup truck, but as he did I couldn’t help noticing the stares I was getting. Like yesterday with the boys, it was subtle but undeniable.
The Black Notebook Page 27
