Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  “Why don’t you come with me to Paris?” he asked her when he had taken her to one side.

  “To Paris? Why?” Amelia asked, ingenuously.

  “The revolution needs women like you, there’s a great deal of work to be done. I think that you could help me, work with me. Lola has said that you speak French, and even some English and German, isn’t that right?”

  “Yes, my paternal grandmother is French, and my father used to have business in Germany, my best friend is German; I learned English from my nurse, although I don’t speak very well...”

  “I repeat my invitation, although it’s actually a job offer. You could be very useful to me.”

  “I... I don’t see how.”

  Pierre looked at her fixedly, and his gaze was filled with words that only she could understand.

  “I’d like you to come with me not just for work. Think about it.”

  Amelia blushed and looked down. A man had never propositioned her like this before, so directly. As I was standing nearby, ready if Amelia needed me, and had heard Pierre’s invitation, I went to her immediately.

  “It’s late, Amelia, we should go.”

  “Yes, you’re right, it’s late.”

  “Do you have to go already?” Pierre wanted to know.

  “Yes,” she murmured, but without moving. It was clear that she had no desire for us to go.

  “Will you think about what I said?” Pierre insisted.

  “About going to Paris with you?”

  “Yes, I will be in Madrid for a few days, but not many, and I don’t know when I will return.”

  “No, I cannot go to Paris, I’ll see you some other time,” Amelia said with a sigh.

  “What’s stopping you from coming with me?”

  “She has a husband and a son,” I replied, although I immediately regretted interrupting, especially given the look of rage that Amelia turned on me at that moment.

  “Yes, I know that she’s married and has a son. Who isn’t? Who doesn’t?” Pierre answered tranquilly.

  “No, I cannot come with you. Thank you for the invitation.”

  We left Lola’s house in silence. Amelia was angry because of my interruption, and I was worried that this would provoke, more than anger, a loss of her trust in me.

  We did not speak until we got home. I was about to go to my room, when she grasped me by my arm and said very low:

  “If someone has to know something about me I will be the one who tells them. Bear that in mind.”

  “I’m sorry, I... I didn’t want to get involved...”

  “But you did.”

  She turned on her heels and left me there in the hall, crying my eyes out. It was the first time she had got annoyed with me since we’d met, the first time that I felt that I was not her friend, but only a stranger.

  The next day Amelia got up late. The chambermaid said that she had asked not to be disturbed, and although it was my privilege to be able to go into her room, I did not dare do so after what had happened the night before.

  I did not see Amelia until midday; she looked like she was running a temperature and she complained of having a headache. Her mother, who had come to have lunch with her and to see the baby, ascribed this illness to the distress Amelia felt at Santiago’s absence, but I guessed that her husband was not the cause of this febrile situation, rather it was the sudden appearance of Pierre in her life. In our lives, for he would change both our lives.

  Antonietta came at six to look for her mother, and Amelia said goodbye to them with relief, because that afternoon neither her mother nor her sister had been able to take her mind off what was bothering her.

  Around seven o’clock Lola came to the house. As soon as I saw her I guessed she must have been sent by Pierre, because she asked to see Amelia alone. I do not know what they talked about, but it is easy to guess, because half an hour later Amelia called me to say that she was going out to a political meeting at Lola’s house and that she did not want me to go with her. I protested: Santiago did not want her to go out without me, but above all I felt sad to be left out.

  Amelia went to Javier’s room. The child was in Águeda’s arms, and she was singing to him. He smiled and lifted his arms up to the nurse’s face. Amelia kissed her son and left quickly, followed by Lola.

  I sat in the hall, waiting for her to come back, which she did not do before midnight. She came in with her face red, sweating, and seemed to be shaking. She was not pleased to see me there, and sent me up to my room.

  “Amelia, I want to talk to you,” I begged.

  “At this time of night? No, go and rest, I’m not feeling well and I need to sleep.”

  “But Amelia, I am worried, I’ve spent all day with a pain in my breast... I want you to forgive me for last night... I... I didn’t want to offend you, or get mixed up in your business... you know... Well, I only have you, and if you didn’t want anything to do with me then I don’t know what I would do.”

  “But Edurne, what things you say! What do you mean, you only have me? What about your mother, or Aitor, or your grandparents? Come on, don’t be silly and go rest.”

  “But will you forgive me?”

  Amelia hugged me and stroked my back lovingly; she had always been very generous and could not bear to see anyone suffer.

  “I don’t have anything to forgive you for, last night was nothing, a trifle, I had a sudden attack of grumpiness, but don’t worry about it.”

  “But you went without me tonight... and... well... It’s the first time you’ve gone out without me. You know you can trust me, that I’ll never say anything or do anything to hurt you.”

  “And what could you say?” she said in annoyance.

  “Nothing, nothing, there’s nothing but good to say about you.” I started to cry, worried that I had really made things worse.

  “Come on, don’t cry! We’re both very sensitive, it must be the times we live in, the political situation; things aren’t going well, I’m worried about the government of the Popular Front.”

  “Your mother is very worried because the workers are occupying farms in Andalusia and Extremadura,” I replied, just to say something.

  “My mother is very good, and because she treats everyone well she thinks that the whole world is equal, but there are people living in terrible conditions... And we’re not trying to give people charity, but to promote justice.”

  “Are you going to go?”

  I don’t know why I asked this, I’m still asking myself today. Amelia got very serious and I saw her hands trembling and how she was trying not to lose control.

  “And where do you think I would go?”

  “I don’t know... Pierre asked you to go with him to Paris yesterday... Maybe you have decided to go and work there...”

  “And if I did go, what would you think?”

  “Could I go with you?”

  “No, you couldn’t. I would have to go alone.”

  “Then I wouldn’t want you to go.”

  “How selfish!”

  Yes, she was right, I was selfish, I was thinking about me, about what would become of me if she were to leave. I lowered my head and felt ashamed.

  “If we want the revolution to triumph all over the world, then we cannot think of ourselves, we have to offer ourselves up as a sacrifice.”

  “But you’re not a Communist,” I babbled.

  “Can you be anything else?”

  “You’ve always sympathized with the Socialists...”

  “Edurne, I was as ignorant as you, but I’ve opened my eyes, I’ve realized how things stand, and I admire the revolution, I think that Stalin is a blessing for Russia and I want the same for Spain and the rest of the world. We know it’s possible, they’ve managed to do it in Russia, but there are lots of interests at stake, the interests of people who don’t want to give anything away, who defend their old privileges... It will not be easy, but we can do it. Now, thanks to the people of the Left, women are taken into account; we used to be wor
thless, but it’s still not enough, we must struggle for true equality. In Russia there is no difference between men and women, everyone is equal.”

  Her eyes were shining. She seemed to have attained a state of ecstasy while she talked to me about Stalin and the revolution, and I knew that it was a matter of time, of days, of hours, before Amelia would leave, but at the same time I tried to convince myself that it was impossible, that she would not dare to leave Santiago and abandon her son.

  5

  For several days Amelia continued regularly meeting Pierre at Lola’s house. She allowed me to go with her, but sometimes when we reached the house she would send me on some errand or other in order to be alone with him.

  Santiago’s parents came by one afternoon to see their grandson and decided to wait until Amelia came home. As we were late, and it was past ten o’clock, Águeda and the other maids had no choice other than to admit that sometimes we came back after midnight.

  Don Manuel and Doña Blanca were scandalized, and Águeda told us that Doña Blanca had told her husband as they were leaving that they needed to speak with Santiago as soon as he got back, before his marriage collapsed entirely.

  Meanwhile, Don Manuel decided to speak with Amelia’s father, and tell him that he had to make his daughter behave herself.

  Don Juan and Doña Teresa sent a message telling Amelia not to leave the house, as they were going to pay her a visit.

  “Why are they getting involved in my life?” Amelia complained. “I’m not a child!”

  “They are your parents and they love you.” I tried to calm her down.

  “They should leave me alone! It’s my in-laws’ fault, they ruin everything. Why did they come round to see Javier without warning?”

  “Doña Blanca called you,” I reminded her.

  “It doesn’t matter, they’re meddlers all the same, not only don’t they help my father, but they ask him to talk with me as well. But who do they think I am!”

  Don Juan and Doña Teresa came round at tea time, and while Doña Teresa looked after Javier, Don Juan took the opportunity to speak to Amelia.

  “Dear, Santiago’s parents are worried and... well, so are we. I don’t want to get involved in your business, but you must understand that it’s not good for you to go in and out of people’s houses as if you had no obligations to anyone. You are a mother, Amelia, and this means that you cannot just do the first thing that comes into your head, you have to think about your husband and your son. You must realize that you’re making a fool of Santiago with your nocturnal visits.”

  “And how does Santiago make me appear, with his disappearances? He left ten days ago and I don’t know where he is. Doesn’t he have obligations to me, or to his son? Is he allowed to do everything just because he’s a man?”

  “Amelia, you know that this is Santiago’s way of doing things; he goes on journeys with no warning, even his mother scolds him for it. But whether you like it or not, it’s not the same for you; he is a man and he’s not endangering either his reputation or your own.”

  “Papa, I know that you can’t understand this, but the world is changing, and women will eventually have the same rights as men. It’s not fair that you can come and go as you please without having to explain your actions, and we are subject to gossip.”

  “It may not be fair, but it is how things are, and you should be careful at least until things change, out of respect for your husband, for your son, and for us. Yes, your behavior is damaging for us as well.”

  “How can it hurt you if I go to a political meeting?”

  “I think that you are getting too involved, and what’s worse, involved with the Communists. We have always defended justice, but we do not share the Communists’ ideas, and you don’t know what you’re getting involved in.”

  “I am not a child!”

  “Yes, Amelia, you are. You are married and you have a child, but you are not yet nineteen years old. Don’t think that you know everything now and that you are immune to the influences of others, you are still a little naïve, as one should expect of someone your age, and I think that Lola is taking advantage of it.”

  “She is my best friend!”

  “Yes, I am sure that she’s your friend, but do you really think that she thinks you are her best friend? What about your cousin Laura? You used to be inseparable and now you can scarcely find time to see her. Why?”

  “Laura has a fiancé.”

  “I know, but that doesn’t explain why you have stopped going to your uncle’s house and spending time with your cousins like you always used to; you don’t even come home to see your sister Antonietta, and you are never in when she comes to find you. It hurts me to have to say this, but I don’t think you are being a good mother, you put your politics in front of your son, and that, Amelia, does not make any woman appear in a positive light.”

  Amelia burst into tears. Her father’s last words had wounded her. She had an uneasy conscience because she was unable to give to her son what she gave to her political activism.

  “Come on, don’t cry! I know that you love Javier, but your son spends more time with Águeda than with you, which is not good.”

  Amelia’s sobbing grew more intense because she knew better than anyone that she was not a good mother and this made her sad, even though she thought it was something she could not solve.

  Sometimes she would go into Javier’s room, take him from his crib and kiss him and hug him as if she wanted to make him understand how much she loved him, but she only made the child scared and start to cry, she felt like a stranger, and she would throw up her hands and look for Águeda.

  Doña Teresa also took her daughter to one side and repeated her husband’s arguments, but she made no more of an impact than her husband had, she only made Amelia feel guilty and unable to stop crying. When they left, I heard Doña Teresa say to her husband: “I think Amelia is ill, it’s like she’s been bewitched... This Lola is a bad person, who’s taken our daughter away from us.”

  Two days later, Amelia sent a message to her cousin for her to come and see her, and Laura did not need to be asked twice and came at once. The two cousins sill loved and confided in one another.

  I was sewing, sitting by the balcony, and as they did not ask me to leave I heard their conversation.

  “What’s happening, cousin dear?” Laura asked.

  “I am in despair and I don’t know what to do... I need your advice, you’re the only person who can understand me.”

  “But what’s happened?” Laura was alarmed, especially to see Amelia much thinner and in such a feverish state.

  “I have fallen in love with another man! I am so wretched!”

  “Good heavens! But how is it possible? Santiago adores you and you... well, I thought you were in love with your husband.”

  “I thought I was, but it is not so, he is the first man I knew, the first man who didn’t treat me like a girl, and also... Well, you know already, because I told you, I liked Santiago but I also wanted to help Papa, he has not gotten better since losing all his business in Germany.”

  “I know, I know... but you told me that you loved him, that you were getting married to Santiago to help your father but that you loved him as well.”

  Laura was in agony to discover so suddenly that her cousin did not love her husband; she sympathized with Santiago, it was difficult not to take his part, Santiago was such a gentleman, always attentive and gallant and well-mannered, and so handsome...

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I must make my mind up.”

  “Make your mind up?”

  “Yes, Laura, the man I love has asked me to go away with him. He doesn’t know that I’m in love with him, he has only asked me to help our cause, to help Communism triumph, and thinks that I could help him... I, who am nobody... But he believes in me...”

  “Does he love you?”

  “He hasn’t said anything, but... I know he does... I know it from how he looks at me, because he shu
dders just like I do if we accidentally brush against each other, I read it in his eyes... But he is a gentleman, don’t imagine that he has tried anything with me, quite the contrary.”

  “If he were a gentleman, he wouldn’t ask for you to abandon your family and go and foment revolution,” Laura protested.

  “But you don’t understand. To be a Communist is... is... is like a religion... You can’t attain paradise without making sacrifices, and us believers don’t have the right to put our personal interests in front of the interests of humanity at large.”

  “For God’s sake, Amelia, the things you say! Look, charity begins at home...”

  “This isn’t charity, this is justice! We should use all our strength to support the revolution, we have to make the world into the homeland of the working man, we have to follow the example of Russia.”

  “I know that you don’t like the right-wingers and that your parents like mine are supporters of Azaña. Who is working for the country to be a better place, but Communism... I asked Papa to explain to me what he knows about the Communists, and, Amelia, I don’t think that revolution would really be such a good thing.”

  “How can you say that! It’s because they can’t see the good that Communism could bring us. Look at what’s happening in Germany with Hitler.”

  “But it doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, you’ve always exaggerated so. Anyway, tell me who he is.”

  “He’s named Pierre, he’s French, his parents own a bookshop near Saint-Germain, and he helps them, and writes for some left-wing newspapers. He is extremely involved in Communist circles and comes to Madrid from time to time to meet with comrades here, to find out how things are, to evaluate the situation. He goes to other places as well, and uses the opportunity to buy books for his father’s shop, special editions, bibliographic treasures... But he is a Communist above all.”