Tell Me Who I Am

by Julia Navarro

  I stayed behind to watch Amelia and the officer, fascinated by the scene. Amelia was crying, and he was holding back his tears only by a great effort of will. Suddenly Amelia seemed to pull herself together.

  “Come, I’ll introduce you to my family.”

  “Perhaps it was not a good idea for me to come without announcing myself in advance... I think I’ve scared them all.”

  Amelia took him by the hand and led him to the living room, where Doña Elena was drinking a glass of water.

  “Aunt, I would like to introduce you to the Baron von Schumann, an old and very dear friend.”

  The officer clicked his heels in front of Doña Elena and bowed to kiss her hand, something that dispelled some of the fears that had affected the woman, who was incapable of resisting such a display of good manners.

  Laura and Amelia shared a glance that did not go unobserved by any of us present.

  Doña Elena invited the officer to sit while she waited for Amelia to explain in a little more detail who this officer was. Everyone in our house hated the Germans, we wanted them to lose the war, Amelia more than anyone, saying that when this happened then France and England and the Allied powers would band together to free us from Franco. So it was difficult for us all to accept a German official with good grace: For us, he represented the dark side of the conflict. He was the enemy, and here he was sitting in our living room.

  But Amelia did not seem keen to tell us anything more about this man. She said that he was an old friend whom she had known years ago. We all asked ourselves where this might have been, but no one said anything. We spoke about generalities and nobody mentioned the war. He explained that this was the third time he had visited Madrid, that he had traveled all over Spain with his father when he was younger, and had been in Barcelona, Bilbao, and Seville. Doña Elena said that the autumn was proving very cold and rainy, but that the sun came out even in winter in Madrid. A little while later he asked if there were still bullfights at this time of year, and we told him no, and Doña Elena took the opportunity to say that she was opposed to the national sport.

  “I can’t bear to see blood being spilled unnecessarily.”

  This made Laura come out in favor of the activity, telling her mother that she obviously just couldn’t see the grandeur inherent in the struggle between bull and toreador. And so, interchanging banalities, about half an hour went by, and then Don Armando came back with Jesús.

  Don Armando’s face showed shock and worry in roughly equal proportions.

  Amelia introduced him without saying anything more about her relationship to Baron von Schumann, and then surprised us all by saying that she would go out with him to take a walk.

  “It’s a little late, isn’t it?” Don Armando said, very seriously.

  “I won’t be too long, Uncle, it’s just that the baron doesn’t know Madrid very well, and I’ll see him back to his hotel, he’s staying at the Ritz, so I should be back soon.”

  “Maybe it would be better for him to go with Jesús and Pablo.”

  “No, and anyway we need to speak, we haven’t seen each other for a long time.”

  Don Armando knew that Amelia was going to go out with the German with or without his permission, so he preferred not to confront his niece at this moment.

  “Alright, but don’t be long.”

  We said goodbye to the German officer, whom we never saw again.

  Amelia came back two hours later, and the whole family was waiting for her in the living room.

  “Well, tell us, who is that man?” Don Armando asked.

  “I met him a long time ago when I still was living with Pierre. Then I met him in Berlin when I was working as Albert James’s assistant. We went to Berlin to gather material for articles and I met him there by chance.”

  “And you haven’t seen him since?” Dona Elena wanted to know.

  “Yes, we have met on a couple of other occasions.”

  “He’s a Nazi,” Don Armando said, making no effort to hide his disgust.

  “No, he isn’t. He’s a German who has been caught up in the war, like so many other men who have been caught up on one side or the other.”

  “He’s a Nazi,” Don Armando repeated.

  “No, Uncle, he is not. I tell you, he’s a great man, and I owe him a lot.”

  “What do you owe him, Amelia.”

  “Please, Uncle, don’t insist that I tell you. There are things I don’t want to talk about. I am sorry. I cannot.”

  “The Nazis bankrupted your father, have you forgotten? And you told me yourself that when you were in Berlin it was impossible for you to find out what happened to Herr Itzhak and his family.”

  “How can you say that!” Amelia was about to burst into tears.

  “Because I can’t understand how you can be a friend to a man who wears that uniform and that you can forget what the Nazis did to your father! And do you think that the way they’re behaving in the war is nothing to worry about? No, Amelia, I cannot accept a Nazi officer in my house. I will not tolerate it. For the memory of my brother and for our own dignity.”

  I had never seen Don Armando so serious, so strict. We were all silent, not knowing what to say, and Amelia covered her face with her hands.

  “Think about what I’ve just said to you, and be very clear about one thing: I will not allow this man to set foot in this house again.”

  Amelia looked at her uncle straight in the eye before replying.

  “But you are completely happy with Franco, because you don’t do anything against the regime.”

  “Amelia!” Laura bounded up from her chair and stood in front of her cousin, trying to control her anger.

  “It’s true, we’ve all submitted to Franco, we don’t do anything. Do you think he’s better than Mussolini or Hitler? I don’t think so, and here we are, not moving a finger to stop him.”

  “We have lost the war, Amelia, but not our dignity,” Don Armando said in a faint voice.

  “What do you want us to do, Amelia, haven’t we paid for everything in spades?” Laura said.

  “Why are you judging Max if you know nothing about him?” Amelia said.

  “Because he was able to choose which side he was on and he chose Hitler,” Laura said grimly.

  “He’s a soldier, he cannot choose.”

  “Yes, Amelia, he can choose, that’s what a lot of our soldiers did even if we were then on the losing side,” Don Armando said.

  “You don’t understand... you don’t know... I’m sorry, but you cannot see what’s going on here.”

  “Yes, we can, you need to fool yourself because of what this man means to you,” Laura said without pity.

  The two cousins looked at each other, both of them about to break into tears. It was the first time in their life that they had argued, that they had confronted one another.

  We were all silent. Doña Elena broke the tension by sending us to bed.

  “We have to get up early tomorrow, leave whatever’s disagreeable to talk about in the daylight, it’s always better than talking about it at night. At night there is only darkness.”

  We went to bed, but I got up soon enough; I was sure that Amelia and Laura were talking to each other. And they were. They were in the salon, and were whispering rather than talking. I stood still at the door and listened.

  “The things you said to me, Laura! You, in particular...”

  “But Amelia, why won’t you tell anyone, why won’t you even tell me what it is that connects you to this man?”

  “For your sake, Laura, I don’t tell you anything for your sake. It is better if you do not know certain things, at least not for the time being, I will tell you them one day, I promise, but you will have to trust me for now.”

  “I was terrified when I came into the house and saw a Nazi. For a moment I thought he was going to arrest us all.”

  “Poor Max!”

  “Who is he to you?”

  “I’ve told you, he is a very important person, so
important that it was he who drove me and Albert James apart. If I had not met Max then I would surely still be with Albert.”

  “I can’t believe that you’re in love with a Nazi!”

  “He’s not a Nazi, Laura, I promise you that he is not. He has no option other that to fight with the army; he’s an officer, an aristocrat, he cannot desert.”

  “It’s better to be a deserter than to fight for Hitler.”

  “He does not fight for Hitler.”

  “Yes, of course he does, you’re just fooling yourself, Amelia. Tell me, what did he want, why has he come?”

  “He is here on official business and decided to come to see me.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Amelia, I know when you’re not telling me the truth.”

  “In that case don’t ask me questions, Laura, don’t ask me until I can tell you the whole truth.”

  I heard them moving and hurried back to my room. If Amelia was not telling Laura the whole truth, then it was clear that she would never tell it to us, so I told myself that we would never know who that man was. And so it was, we never found out, or at least I never found out. Doña Laura may know, I don’t know, I never asked her.

  Amelia and the German officer carried on seeing each other. He came to find her in Doña Rosa’s haberdashery, and would take her out for lunch, and then she would show him her favorite corners of Madrid. One Sunday they even went to the Escorial. But he never came to our house again, and Amelia never again mentioned his name. Don Armando preferred to ignore Amelia’s comings and goings, and it was only Doña Elena who was brave enough one day to ask about him.

  “Let me tell you something, my dear: Don’t fall in love with this man, he can only bring you trouble; you had enough worries with Albert James, who was a good man, and I don’t know why you’re not still with him. He was a gentleman. It’s a shame that you could not get married, but even so. . . If you have to be with a man, you should be with someone who’s worth the trouble.”

  A few days later, one evening at dinner, Amelia told us that she was leaving.

  “But where are you going?” Don Armando asked, worried.

  “To Rome, I’ve decided to accept my friend Carla Alessandrini’s invitation. I’ve told you about her, and we write to each other regularly, as you know very well. She has been insisting in her letters that I go to see her, and now I have the chance.”

  “The chance? But now, so suddenly... and what about your work?” Doña Elena wanted to know.

  “I have spoken to Doña Rosa and she says that there’s no problem, that I can take a little holiday; I won’t be gone for more than a month.”

  “Are you going with that man, Amelia?” Don Armando asked directly.

  “Uncle...”

  “You are not completely well yet; yes, you have gotten a little better, but you are so thin... You should not go, Amelia. You said that you never would, that you were going to stay with your family forever.”

  “I am not going to leave, Uncle, it’s just a trip that will not last a long time, I promise. Carla insists so much in her letters that I should go, she says that she needs me, and you can’t imagine how kind and generous she has been to me.”

  “Amelia, I do not think it is a good idea for you to go with that man, who is a Nazi officer,” Don Armando interrupted.

  “For God’s sake, please don’t talk like that! Max is a very dear friend of mine, who also knows Carla, and we have been speaking about her a lot these days. He has to go to Rome, so he has offered to accompany me on the journey. I will go with him to Rome, yes, but I will stay in Carla Alessandrini’s house, I promise. You don’t need to worry.”

  “Italy is at war, it’s not the best place for a holiday.”

  “Nothing will happen, I’m traveling with Max and Carla will be there to look after me.”

  “I’m not convinced, Amelia, I’m not convinced. All I know is that you haven’t seemed the same ever since this officer turned up. I don’t understand how you can think about going to Italy. I want to trust you, Amelia, I owe you a lot, but this is worrying.”

  “Trust me, I am not going to do anything bad, I promise. I will only be gone for a few days, by the next time you think about me I’ll be home for Christmas. I wouldn’t want to be away from home over the holiday for anything in the world.”

  Edurne, as she helped Amelia pack her suitcases, also complained about the journey she was making.

  “How can you leave Antonietta again? Can’t you see how much your sister suffers whenever you go? It’s not good for sisters to be apart.”

  “How long has it been since you’ve seen Aitor?” Amelia replied.

  “A long time, years.”

  “And he’s your brother and you love him, right?”

  “Yes, and it hurts me not to see him. He has three children now. You see, I have nephews and nieces I haven’t even met. My mother suffers on his behalf,” Edurne replied.

  “Dear Amaya... I miss her so much... ,” Amelia replied.

  “It was politics that ruined my brother, and you too. A good thing that he married that woman in Biarritz. It’s a disgrace that he has to live there because of politics. Damn politics!”

  “Goodness, I thought you were a good Communist!”

  “That was before the war... After what happened and all the disgrace and shame we’ve been made to live through, do you think I still am interested in politics? I just want to live in peace, I’m like your aunt in that respect.”

  “So you’re not a Communist anymore?” Amelia joked.

  “How could I be? You and I didn’t know what one was, we were very young and got carried away... Lola, Pierre, Josep Soler, all of those people who seemed to know what was happening. Who were so passionate, they all made us get carried away... They were going to change the world... Well, look how that turned out!”

  “What happened is that the Fascists won the war, but that doesn’t make them right.”

  “It doesn’t make us right either. No, I’m not a Communist anymore, and I don’t think that you are one either.”

  The day of Amelia’s departure was a sad one. Doña Elena fainted and had to be given lemon balm water, Antonietta could not stop hiccupping, Laura cried without stopping, and Jesús and I were affected by so much emotion and ended up crying ourselves. It was only Don Armando who was able to keep his composure.

  “Amelia, write to us, please, give us your word that you will.”

  “I give you my word; I will write and I will come home soon.”

  Amelia refused to allow us to go with her to the door. She said that people would come to pick her up, but we knew that she meant the German officer. We went out onto one of the balconies and saw him arrive in a black car and then get out of it to help Amelia with her luggage. Before getting into the car she looked up at us and waved her hand with a smile. She was happy, and that is what confused us the most. We did not see her again for a long time...”

  “Well,” Professor Soler concluded, “that’s all, or at least all I can tell you of what happened between the spring of 1942 and the autumn of 1943, a long year that Amelia was with us.”

  The professor rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He seemed tired. I was impressed by his prodigious memory and his ability to recount events in a way that made them not only alive once more, but also so vivid that they seemed to be my own memories. I tried to get him to tell me if Amelia had come back and if so, when, but he did not want to say anything else.

  “Come on, Guillermo, you know I’m not going to tell you anything else. At least, not now. You have to fill in the blanks. We agreed not to jump in time. In order for your research to make sense you need to go step by step; if you run ahead of yourself, then you might get confused and might even think that it is not worth coming back, and that is not what the Garayoa ladies want.”

  “Yes, but where should I look now?” I asked, worriedly.

  “I don’t know, what about Rome? Amelia told us that she was going to Rome. You coul
d go to see Francesca Venezziani. If Amelia was with Carla Alessandrini, as she told us she would be, then Francesca should know about it, don’t you think?”

  “What I think is that sometimes you know more about Amelia than you want to let on, but for some reason or other you don’t want to say anything about it.”

  Professor Soler’s laughter disconcerted me, but confirmed my intuition.

  “Don’t be so mistrustful, aren’t I helping you as much as I can?”

  “And I am very grateful; I wouldn’t have been able to take a single step without you.”

  “Of course you would have, but it would have been more difficult. Don’t put yourself down; I have the very highest opinion of you.”

  “Pah! That’s some responsibility to have to shoulder.”

  “And what about your work? Are you still writing for that online newspaper that you interviewed me for?”

  “They fired me. My only job at the moment is this investigation; it’s a good thing that the Garayoas are generous enough with what they pay me, or I would have been evicted by now. My mother barely speaks to me, she thinks that I’m wasting my time.”

  “And she’s right.”

  “What! Do you think I’m wasting my time?”

  “You are earning time for the Garayoa sisters, and in that sense your work is very valuable, but as far as you are concerned this is not helping your professional career, in fact it’s getting you sidetracked from it.”

  “I’m surprised you’re so calm about that, Professor.”

  “If you were my son, I might be as upset as your mother appears to be. I won’t tell you to hurry up with your job because it is impossible for you to know how much longer it will take, but I would start thinking about what to do when you do finish.”

  “I have a very serious problem as far as working in my profession is concerned.”