by Alexia Purdy
The memory of his heated touch, his post love-making words professing his love to me would never be enough to make me feel safe in his clutches. Never.
I dropped the brush on the floor and slipped on my boots. Zipping them up, I stared at my pale reflection staring back at me from the dresser. I needed make up but hadn’t worn any in a week. Maybe the execs would think twice at picking us up if they saw how sickly looking we were. Chuckling at the thought, I decided to throw on some makeup and completed my look with eyeliner and swipe of lipstick. A dash of blush brightened my features, and I stretched my lips wide, smiling at my refection.
There. No more zombie princess look.
“It’s show time!” I whispered to myself before exiting the room. How truly right I was.
*****
Jonas was just one of many people sitting at the conference room table of Noble Records. It was a prestigious record company based in New York City.
I smoothed down my hair and stared at my fingers, decorated with several large dazzling rings, a skull ring, and a large obsidian jewel in the shape of a rectangle. I loved to wear jewelry, the bigger the better. Even the bangles that clinked together whenever I moved made a statement. No one could pass me by without eyeing me from head to toe with a mixture of awe and absolute shock. It made me smile at their innate fear of who I was. Maybe I was some druggie that passed them by, hiding a Swiss army knife to rob them if I pleased. Maybe I was a famous rock star they didn’t recognize quite yet. Maybe I was just another groupie of another band who was performing in the city that very night. Most people here didn’t give me a second glance, but a few people did.
“Welcome, Audrey, Liv, and Saul of The Fall of Sky. My name is David Anderson, and these are my executives, Sandra Alder and William Thomas.” The guy at the head of the table waved as the two on each of his sides followed suit. His hair was dark but peppered with grey, and his beard was perfectly trimmed and also dotted with silver hair. He looked like he could be in his fifties, but I wasn’t sure. I watched him as he nodded to his underlings and proceeded. “We are thrilled to be meeting you today and are pleased to announce something very special in the works for your next album.
“Jonas tells me of your successes with your first album and that your second one will soon be out. Unfortunately, there will be a slight delay with the contractual transfers, but it shouldn’t be too long. Things do go a bit slower in the larger record companies, but we will do our best to keep the original timeline and not stray too far from the release date. You have fans that are impatiently waiting for the next album, I hear.”
I could feel my face contort into confusion and turned to find the same shock on my sister’s and Saul’s face.
“W—Wait…you’re saying we’re changing management?” Audrey placed a finger on the table and threw a daggered stare at Jonas. “Why weren’t we informed of this?” Her finger shook as she waited.
Jonas, looking unperturbed and cool, folded his fingers together as he leaned back in his chair, legs crossed. “We have complete control of any contractual changes and only have to notify you when the changes are done.” He waved a hand out toward the others. “Hence, why we’re here today.”
“What else is involved in these changes?” I asked. Unlike Audrey, I wasn’t so stunned. I met Jonas’ stare directly. Even after not seeing him in weeks, he offered me a flirty smile that made my insides swim. Instead of reciprocating, I gave him a cold icy stare down.
“As of today, all contracts for The Fall of Sky have been bought out by Nobel Records, for a sizeable amount if I may say so myself.” David winked and leaned forward with a high wattage smile that made me want to smack it off his face. He obviously thought highly of himself and probably believed he was impressing us. I choked down a sarcastic retort.
“So what does this mean for us?” It was Saul’s turn to ask questions. He couldn’t see the smirk on Jonas’ face or anything else really reflected in the faces of everyone in the room, and that was probably a good thing.
“It means you will now be working for Nobel records from now on. We will produce all your music, and all your songs previously recorded and in production are now property of Nobel Records. You will be scheduled for tours, appearances, and all future recording here for the span of five records while under contractual agreement. Also…” David took a deep breath in, looking excited even for my glum mood. “You’ll each be receiving a sizeable compensation, much more than when working under your previous contract, along with continued royalty payments once advances have been met.”
I turned the obsidian ring on my finger, its metal warming under my fingers. Could it be true? Did Jonas really sell us to another company? If so…what did that mean for our carnal contract? Was it truly over?
I flicked my eyes up to meet Jonas who was already watching me back, gauging my reactions to the situation. I felt my face flush a scarlet red as he drilled his stare into me. He wanted to talk to me; his face told me that much. If our contract was over, what did that make of us? What would that affect between him, Emilio and me?
And if it truly was over, what of Audrey and Saul? Were we truly free again?
“Can I get a copy of all this on paper?” Audrey managed to croak out a level headed request while the rest of us sat there in complete silence. No one could even speak. It was too sudden, too unexpected. I never would’ve guessed that money was Jonas’ motivation all this time. The thought made me feel numb, cold even.
“You certainly can. I’ll have my secretary make copies for all three of you. We at Noble Records feel that The Fall of Sky will fit in very well with us, and we look forward to a bright future working with you and your music.”
If only their spiel wasn’t so robotic, I might’ve felt more relief.
The room began to disassemble; David and his two execs came to greet us, chat it up and try to welcome us. It did soften my attitude toward them, especially listening to the endless barrage of questions Audrey had for them. They answered everything professionally and patiently, even offering to order us some lunch since it was already getting late. We wouldn’t be recording today, that was for sure.
I didn’t pay attention. That was Audrey’s job.
Jonas finally made his way toward me and placed his hand on my arm.
“May I speak with you in private?”
“Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?”
“We can go to my hotel suite first. I have something for you. Then we can go out for lunch. This was the formal meeting. Recording wouldn’t start until later this week. Still some quirks to straighten out.”
I nodded. “Let me grab my purse and let Audrey know.”
He gave me a curt nod. “I’ll be waiting outside in the car.” He turned and walked out the main doors where Lonzo and one other Cartel member awaited to accompany him. Lonzo gave me a curt nod as he held the door open. They let Jonas stroll by without much fuss. I watched him go until Lonzo yanked the doors shut behind him. This all felt off, and my curiosity burned as I stared at the doors, waiting for something else to happen. It didn’t, though, so I turned back toward the chatting execs who were now engaged in a vibrant conversation with Saul.
I found Audrey and tapped her shoulder.
“Hey, Sis, I’m heading out for lunch with Jonas. Just call me if you need anything.”
She gave me a knowing look, eyeing me hard. “Okay. Call me if YOU need anything too.”
I rolled my eyes at her. “Your mother hen is showing. I will. I promise.”
Heading out, I wished to feel warmer inside than I did. Nothing felt more like everything was going to change than events unfolding before me now. I just hoped it was going in a good direction and not a detrimental one I’d have to add to my list of regrets.
Lord knew how long that list was.
Chapter Six
Audrey
I watched Liv leave not long after Jonas and his posse did. My anxiety spilled over, and I downed another glass of wine to settle my ne
rves. I knew this was the beginning of another phase in our lives, but I wasn’t sure exactly what it involved. So Jonas had sold us away, for money—lots of it, of course. I guess we were more of a pain in his side than I’d thought. It was both thrilling and paralyzing at the same time.
“Ready to go?” Saul slid a hand onto my forearm and pulled me into his arms. Already, the execs were leaving one by one and the caterers began putting away the lunch they’d ordered for us. It was sandwiches, not the corner subway kind but the gourmet ones with the fancy lettuce and special vinaigrettes. This gave me a slight idea on how this particular record company ran things, and it was quite a relief. They spared no expense, and I hoped for the sake of our music and our lives, that it would be good for us in every way.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here. I need some air.” He smiled and waved goodbye to everyone. I followed suit, and we managed to slip out of the room without being stalled too much. Saul had a liquid way about him like that, allowing him to slip through life like it was nothing but water rolling off the sand. I wished I were more pliable like that. The stress I caused myself would kill me one day, I just knew.
Stepping out into the city sidewalk, I filled my lungs until they felt like bursting. It felt exhilarating…free. Standing in a big city like this, it was hard to not feel alive, feel like someone. It was so vast, majestic, and thrummed with so much activity, I doubted the concrete beneath my feet ever got any rest. We were going to be spending a lot of time here, which was a certainty, so why not enjoy it while it lasted?
Saul let me slip my hand into the hook of his arm, and we strolled along the city. It was barely afternoon, and we were done for the day. I was feeling amazing for the first time in months. I let the energy of the crowd fill up my soul, like it’d been empty and I’d let it pass my notice. Nothing was quite like this place, and the sweet smell of the end of winter made my soul feel relaxed more than anything else had in a long time.
“We did it, Audrey.”
I faced Saul as we paused in Central Park. The snow had melted away, and though the ground was muddy where puddles remained and leaves mucked up the ground, I didn’t care. It was still a joy to stroll outside, even in the cool early spring air.
“What do you mean?” I grinned sheepishly up to him, letting his delicious arms wrap around me.
“We escaped Jonas’ grip. He did it for us, without knowing it was all we wanted.”
“Liz is with him right now. What if he still wants a hold over her?”
Saul breathed out slowly, thinking on my words. “I don’t know, but I have a feeling he’s ready to move on.”
I pressed my face against his chest, letting his heat warm my cold cheek.
“And if Liz doesn’t want to let go? What then? And Emilio?”
“She’ll figure it out.”
I closed my eyes. “I hope so. It seems too easy to me. Too simple. Things are never that simple with us, Saul. Something bad always happens.”
He tightened his embrace and stroked my hair. “Don’t think that way. You have to think more positively.”
I pulled away and stared into his gleaming blue eyes. “I know. But things were always hard for us, always, no matter how hard we tried. Things go wrong. I get it. We’re used to it. I just hope things won’t go the same way this time.”
I leaned against him, the emotions fighting to spill over. Things had already gone wrong. My miscarriage had gnawed on me even longer than the last time. It still hurt with a vengeance when I thought of it. All I kept hearing were the words from my doctor’s mouth...that I’d never be able to have a baby, not without expensive interventions I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through. Maybe we could adopt. It would be better to help a child than spend endless droves of money on a dream that might never come true.
I still hadn’t told Saul about what had happened. What if he didn’t want that kind of life for us? What if he really wanted his own child? What then? And worse…what if he knew about my indiscretion with Random?
I shook the thoughts out of my head. Already they were turning rancid as they sat heavily in my mind. I was going to go mad if I didn’t tell Saul soon.
“Saul?”
“Yes?” His scent filled my nostrils, and I let it calm me as best it could. He felt so good to hold, to kiss and taste. He smelled amazing. It was easy to lose myself in him, and I’d get lost with him anytime if he’d let me.
“Can I tell you something?”
“You can tell me anything. You know that.”
I nodded, feeling my tears sting behind my eyes. Damn. I wished I wasn’t such an emotional wreck lately. Anything made me cry. When had I turned into such a lightweight?
“I wanted to tell you this a while ago, but never knew how to.”
“What is it, Audrey?” I peered up to find Saul’s face filled with concern. I knew then that it would never matter what I told him; he would love me back, always. How did I get so lucky? I didn’t deserve him one bit. Maybe we could get past this…just maybe.
“I was pregnant few months ago. Actually, I’ve been pregnant twice since we’ve been together.”
“Okay, go on.” He waited patiently, listening hard for any further explanation.
“I lost both the babies, miscarried both. When I went to see the doctors, it was because of that.”
“Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes widened as his arms gripped me tighter.
“I wanted to. I was going to—really, I was, but…then I miscarried them both and didn’t want you to hurt like I was hurting.”
“But you should’ve told me. I could’ve helped you, Audrey. I could’ve helped you get through it.” He pulled me closer, holding me so near I never wanted him to let go. “You don’t seem to be okay about this.”
“I can’t have kids. The doctor told me it would take a lot of intervention and there would never be any guarantees I’d ever have a child.”
His fingers toyed with my hair, sending shivers down my neck and spine. He was so calm, like a pillar that never crumbled. I wish I were as strong as him.
“I’m sorry to hear that, my love. I love you. You know that, right?” Saul continued to run his fingers through my hair, calming my nerves with each stroke.
“Yes…but…I was afraid to tell you because…” I choked on my words, hoping I could get through this.
“First, because I didn’t know if you’d be mad that I couldn’t have children, and second…because I didn’t know who the father was the second time around.” I waited, my heart bursting from my chest as I bit on my tongue, waiting for Saul’s response.
He took a step back and played my words back in his mind. “What did you say?”
“I’m sorry. I messed up. It was a one-time thing. I—I…”
“Who?”
I gulped as the tears flooded my face. “It was nothing. I swear.”
“Who was it, Audrey?” Saul took another step back, the look on his face tearing my heart to pieces. It was a mixture of horror, shock, and disbelief.
“It was Random. I swear it never happened again. I just didn’t know if the baby was yours or his. The first time…the baby was definitely yours. I swear. I lost them both. I can’t have children.”
Now I was babbling and sounding utterly pathetic. I couldn’t even manage to string a complete sentence together without sounding desperate. Each word, each heightened plea made my fight even more miniscule and futile.
Another step back. A shake of his head.
“Audrey, you…you were with Random? When? How could you not tell me?”
It didn’t matter now. He was not close to me anymore. I felt my shoulders drop, feeling the cold of the slight breeze weave through the tiny holes of the sweater I wore.
“Saul, I’m so sorry. I swear…it’ll never happen again. Please…don’t leave…”
He shook his head, making me stop mid-sentence.
“I loved you.”
My lips quivered, freezing in the sudden gust of wi
nd.
“I know. I love you too.”
He kept shaking his head, looking stunned before he turned away, holding out his walking stick and hurrying away, tapping it madly on the concrete as he went. I watched him until he disappeared around the bend. I wanted to follow, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, and couldn’t feel anything anymore.
Why did I have to tell him everything? Why? What good had it done? I wiped my face on my sleeve, feeling the tears and snot freezing to my skin. Staring across the pond, I wanted to run into it and freeze to death. Saul had left, but it was all my fault. I’d chased him away. The only person I’d ever truly loved besides my sister was now gone.
He was the only thing that truly meant anything to me, and I had gone and screwed it up.
I let my sobs sputter inside me as I leaned on the railing, wishing again to fall into the frigid water and drown. The sun felt even colder as the moments ticked by, offering no comfort in my grief.
How could I lose Saul? How could I have ever thought it would be okay to do this to him? I’d lied, cheated, and treated him like garbage. I’d left him shattered, when I was the one who deserved everything I was being given now. This empty hole ripped inside my heart was all my fault.
Good things always come to an end.
Chapter Seven
Liv
“This two way street
Never seems to see me
Anymore…
Cars speeding by
Sending the rainwater up
All over the place…
Two roads, nowhere to go
Two ways to see
Where I would be
If I could move my feet…
If I could only feel
Something again
