Living the Dream

by Lyla Payne

  “Maybe.” The drink landed warm in my belly, diffusing into my limbs and making them tingle. I get up and take two steps before straddling Sebastian, leaving my arms around his neck. “How was your day, Mr. Blair?”

  His breath catches as I work to get comfortable, brushing and wiggling enough to make him hard in the process. Not that it takes a ton of work—Sebastian doesn’t need much encouragement.

  His palms are hot and demanding on my thighs, pushing my dress out of the way as his hands slide all the way up to my hips, fingers tapping out a rhythm. “It was uneventful, except for remembering I’m engaged. Still sneaks up on me.”

  That reminds me of Blair and I sit back, forcing him to meet my gaze. “Did you tell Toby and Kennedy? I thought we agreed to wait as long as possible.”

  “She told Blair?” He frowns at my nod. “Sorry. I ran into Toby and it kind of slipped out.”

  The part about him being sorry might be true, but the rest of it? Not one single word has ever slipped out of Sebastian Blair without full permission.

  His fingers slip under the elastic on my underwear, shooing away all rational thought. I lay my forehead against his and close my eyes, breathing deep and enjoying the soft, circular strokes he’s feathering against my sensitive skin. We don’t kiss. He doesn’t take it further. My body feels at once soothed and as though it could ignite.

  “I think maybe you deserve a celebration,” Sebastian whispers, his lips brushing mine.

  “Hmm?”

  “For winning the election,” he reminds me, a smile in his voice. “What do you think you’d like to do?”

  My own smile responds. He makes me feel deliciously wicked in all the best ways. “Well, maybe you could do that thing you did the first night we were together?”

  A chuckle vibrates out of his chest and jiggles into me, making me smile harder. “I’m not sure I know what you’re referencing.”

  I lower my lips to his, catching his bottom one between my teeth and nibbling before opening up, letting his tongue push against mine in a way that says he remembers exactly what I mean.

  Then I’m on my feet and so is he, and he sweeps me up in his arms and carries me into the house. We don’t make it any farther than the couch in the living room, and he gives me my reward, his head between my thighs as he scrapes my nerves delightfully raw inside and out until I shriek, my hands fisted in his hair and the sound of the ocean drowning out the rest of the world.

  There’s something in his eyes when he hovers over me. Something he doesn’t give voice to before he rolls me over and slides deep inside of me. My head falls back with the sheer pleasure of being filled up by him, of his hands all over me, and words are the last thing on either of our minds.

  My limbs feel heavy the next morning. My eyelids do, too, and they make a strong case against opening. The creepy feeling of being watched takes care of that, and my eyes fly open to find Sebastian propped up on one elbow, watching me. I cover my mouth, which tastes like cotton and fish, with my hand and glare at him—which isn’t easy since he looks like some kind of stubbly god in the morning light. Like Thor.

  “Why are you staring at my while I sleep, creeper? Are you a vampire?”

  “Not technically.” He smiles, that something from last night hovering around the edges of his eyes again. “Listen, Audra, about dinner with your brothers.”

  I close my eyes, embarrassed all over again about how much harder I’ve made all of this. The soft brush of his hand on my cheek feels so tender and reassuring that I lean into it. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know. But … maybe I’m not.” His gaze is determined now. “I think you’re beautiful, do you know that?”

  My breath catches in my throat and my heart stops for long enough that I might pass out. Something’s happening. Hearing him say I’m beautiful in a voice that promises more compliments, more words that might be hard to hear, makes me feel a little like puking. It’s hard to tell if it’s from excitement or horror.

  “Sebastian …”

  “When you said we were getting married I was shocked. What surprised me more is that since that night, all I’ve been able to think about is what it would be like to be the kind of guy who could deserve you for real. The kind of guy who could tell you that everything about you makes him feel alive, that he’s falling for you in a way that he never imagined would be an option for him.”

  I’m so stunned that only half of his words make sense. I’m attracted to Sebastian. He makes me feel like it’s possible to find the woman that I want to be, we have fantastic fucking sex, and I feel good when we’re together. It’s nice to know that he’s feeling some of those same things—assuming we’re not speaking in rhetoricals—but love? The fear that pours through me at the word turns my body to ice.

  I stop breathing when he sets an open black velvet box on the bed between us. A giant ring sparkles in the center—a princess-cut emerald set on a band of perfect, dainty diamonds. My hands fly to my face like every girl who’s ever gotten engaged in a movie ever and I swallow the vomit that’s made its way to the back of my throat. “Oh my god. Sebastian. What are you doing?”

  “Would you prefer a diamond?” He makes a face. “You’re extraordinary. Diamonds are common. Emeralds are rare.”

  “No.” I snap the box closed and sit up, my eyes catching his and holding on for dear life. “Why are you doing this?”

  He frowns, confused. “You told your brothers we’re engaged. Toby and Kennedy and Blair all know. Do you really think you shouldn’t wear a ring?”

  His response is quick and makes me wonder if I’m reading too much into what he said before, but it seemed as though he was saying that he wants all of this for real.

  But he can’t mean that. I dismiss the idea, jerking a little as it rips away.

  He’s right about the ring, and the fact that he put so much thought into it brings tears to my eyes. My emotions are all over the place. I have no idea what I feel, except scared, but I pick up the box and open it again, staring at the gorgeous, glittering gem.

  Words fall through my mind like leaves in the fall at home in Elgin, each one settling on my shoulders and gathering around my feet. Does Sebastian really think I’m beautiful and rare? Is he falling in love?

  Am I?

  If there’s one thing I’m not scared to admit, one thing I feel sure of right now, it’s that I’ve grown to care about Sebastian enough to detest the idea of hurting him. I can’t pick this up and put it on if it means something different to him than it does to me.

  “I’m enjoying spending time with you, Sebastian. Far more than I could have predicted.”

  “Which isn’t saying much since I’m sure you were dreading it.” The corner of his mouth tips up in an almost smile, one that says my words aren’t the ones he’d hoped for.

  “No. But I like you. You’re funny, you let me be me, you’re good in bed. I feel as though we understand each other in a strange way, maybe better than anyone else could.” I take a deep breath and pick up the box. “But I’m only going to wear this if you tell me you know none of this is going to happen. It’s a fake engagement. There won’t be a wedding. I’m not ready for any of that, even if we were in an actual relationship.”

  Sebastian swallows, watching my face for several moments before giving me a nod. He takes the velvet box from my hands and pries loose the stunning ring, then slips it on my finger. “Noted. This is an extension of our original agreement, not a new contract. But Audra?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I can’t promise not to treat this like an actual relationship. Because it feels real to me.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Audra

  “Mom, I know it’s crazy and fast and you’ve never met him.” I pause, swallowing the lump in my throat that always accompanies disappointment from my parents. “Yes, the boys have expressed their disapproval to me. It’s not really their decision.”

  Blair makes a face at me from across the room. She understands that i
t is necessary to talk to my parents at this point, but given her own … unique parental relationship she’s not exactly overly empathetic about how hard this is for me.

  “We’re not getting married anytime soon—I promise you and Dad will have time to meet him. Okay. Listen, I’ve got to go to class. Bye. Love you, too. Bye.”

  I toss the phone on the bed and plant my face in my pillow. It mostly muffles my scream, but my eyes are leaking when I sit up to find my roommate still staring at me. “What?”

  “You don’t have to go through with this, you know. You’re killing your family.”

  “Yeah, like them watching me have sex on the internet isn’t going to do the same thing? Or trying to talk about saving orphans while reporters keep asking questions about why I love to give blow jobs?” I snap, shaking my head. “This is better than that because this has an expiration date. The internet is forever.”

  “Maybe. But I don’t like it.” Her gaze falls to the ring, heavy on my hand. “How much did he spend on that thing, anyway? I thought he was broke.”

  “He’s not broke. Like Sebastian would be dumb enough to cut ties with his father without something else lined up. None of us are equipped to live with nothing.”

  “Emilie was going to let her parents cut her off.”

  “Well, Emilie’s an exceptional girl,” I huff, trying to fix my makeup in the mirror.

  “Have you made a decision on the rest of the recruitment committee for next year?” Blair asks, changing the subject. “And you’d better not even think about saying me.”

  “No way. Like I’d put you in front of new girls. I’d stick you in the kitchen making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if I could. Kylie’s the chair, and I asked Melody and Carmen.”

  “Because you hate them?”

  “I do not hate them. They’re two of our prettiest girls, and also friendly, and have good heads on their shoulders.” I shake my head at her, incredulous not for the first time. “Why did a girl like you even join a sorority? I’ve always wondered.”

  “By a girl like me I assume you mean an awesome person who clearly doesn’t need to buy friends.”

  “Sure, if by that you mean a girl who hates ninety-nine percent of her fellow humans and would be happiest alone in a room where she doesn’t have to talk directly to other people.”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m not good at making friends and I thought coming to Whitman would be the start of a new life.”

  “Aww, B. I think that’s the most honest thing you’ve ever said to me while we’re sober.” I flop next to her and put my arm around her shoulders, trying my best to pull her in for a hug while she struggles to escape my grip.

  “Don’t get used to it.”

  “Hey, did you ever find out how Sebastian managed to get that video down so quickly?”

  “What video?” Kennedy appears in the doorway, startling me. She walks in and drops into Blair’s desk chair without being invited, more proof of how far she’s come. How far our friendships have come.

  “How did you get in here?” Blair asks, more curious than anything. There’s nothing she loves more than a good caper.

  “I have my ways. Most of your idiot pledges think I’m a member.”

  “Hey, those are my idiot pledges now,” I inform her, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s not their fault you’re here all the damn time. When you’re not with Toby.”

  “So not all the damn time. Not even most of the time,” Blair clarifies.

  Luckily, the banter seems to have made Kennedy forget her original question about the video. Not forever, most likely, because now that her mind isn’t filled with booze all the time it’s like a steel trap.

  “What’s up?” Her light eyes find mine, full of questions.

  “Huh?”

  “You invited me here, remember? It better not be because you’re going to ask me to be a bridesmaid.”

  “I’m already the maid of honor, so back off, boozehound.”

  Kennedy shakes her head while I try to figure out what to say. I love my roommate, but she’s pretty much just admitted that I’m already asking people to be in the wedding even though we were just joking about it and I have no intention of making actual plans.

  I don’t even remember why I asked Kennedy to come over—maybe just to hang out, to find out her thoughts on the whole thing—but now it looks as though the “wedding” plans are going to have to move along.

  “Are you going to ask Emilie, too, since she’s like some kind of twisted sister-in-law now? I mean, can you imagine a more fucked-up family?” Blair keeps talking, unaware or uncaring that she’s dragging me deeper into the quagmire.

  I give her a look but she just grins in response. I wonder when her next trip abroad is, because if it’s not soon I might send her in a locked trunk. “First of all, Quinn and Emilie aren’t married, so she’s nothing of the sort. Second, I’m the only one in this room who actually can’t imagine what it’s like to be part of a fucked-up family.”

  Kennedy drags a water bottle out of her messenger bag and uncaps it, taking a couple of long drinks. “Exactly. We’re trying to save you. Go back to normal land, Audra. Even if Toby’s dad is daft enough to believe Sebastian could help him win the election this fall, that doesn’t mean he’s husband material.”

  “Maybe normal land is overrated… . Wait, what about Toby’s dad?”

  “Sebastian didn’t tell you?” There’s a smug pout to her lips. It’s irritating.

  The last thing I need is more shit over this whole thing. At the very least I thought news of the engagement would settle people down after they got over the shock, but now my parents are involved and my brothers hate me and my heart is breaking.

  I take a deep breath, trying to hold back the panic attack. “No.”

  “Oh, he asked Toby if he would talk to his dad about getting him an interview.”

  “And Toby said yes.”

  “Of course he did. I love him, but the guy hasn’t got any brains between his ears when he’s convinced someone is trying to change their life and just needs a little boost.” She gestures to herself. “Case in point.”

  “Well, it worked with you,” I supply, a little softly. It’s not a sore spot anymore, her past, but Kennedy still treats her relationship with Toby as a precious object.

  “It did. But he should have walked away on more than one occasion, for his own good. No matter your feelings, Audra, I’m not convinced Toby shouldn’t have said no to Sebastian’s request.”

  “Oh, come on, Kennedy.” I roll my eyes. “You’re being a drama queen. Just because he talks his dad into letting Sebastian interview doesn’t mean Senator Wright is going to give him a job. And if he does, his failure or success isn’t on Toby’s head. You’re stressing over nothing.”

  The wheels are turning in my brain. It bothers me, maybe more than it should, that Sebastian didn’t share his good news with me the other night. It wriggles in my gut until I feel ill. He didn’t want me to know. Doesn’t want to share his life with me the way I’m doing with him.

  The nausea strengthens at the thought that he doesn’t trust me with the things that are important to him. Which is totally hypocritical when, a couple of days ago, I admitted to myself I don’t trust him with my heart.

  “You know he’s using you, right?” Kennedy levels me with her intense gaze, arms folded as though ready to go into battle.

  We’re really not good enough friends for her to confront me about this—we might have been, once upon a time, had she been more normal our freshman year. But she wasn’t, and Blair and I connected instead.

  But Kennedy’s a good person. She’s honest, she’s to the point, and she’d go to bat for me … which is what she’s doing now. So, I tell myself not to be mad even though her criticism washes my skin with acid.

  “Using me?” I can feel Blair staring in my direction. Without looking at her, I know her lips are pressed together and her face is blank, the way she always looks whe
n she’s trying not to give anything away. “For what?”

  “Credibility. That’s what I think after hearing him talk to Toby the other night. I don’t know why he’s all of a sudden so keen on working Whitman connections to get a job instead of being the playboy slackoff for the rest of his life, but he’s using you to fast track his legitimization.”

  “Is that even a word?” Blair asks, swiveling her head toward Kennedy.

  “Sure. I just used it in a sentence, right?”

  A million responses flit through my mind, little birds whose feet never touch down long enough to make contact. I hate lying to Kennedy, a little because she’s working so hard to be a good friend, but mostly because I doubt she’ll buy it.

  Not to mention that she’s right.

  Once I met Sebastian’s mother, I knew the truth—his father forbade him to use any Rowland cash to take care of Jocelyn while she dies, so Sebastian needs his own income.

  But first he needed a way to make the other students here see him in a different light. Enter me.

  “Maybe he was at the beginning; I don’t know. But things have changed since this whole thing started. I trust that he’s not using me now.” Half true. He is still using me and we’re still under contract, but things have changed. Our feelings are involved.

  For better or worse.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Sebastian

  Toby talked to his father faster than I expected, which led to the senator calling to schedule an interview within a week. Fast, but I’m not complaining. Graduation is in less than two months now.

  I’m sitting in his office in North Carolina instead of in Business Law, my palms sweating more than I would have expected. It’s a new thing for me, wanting something. Being willing to work for it.

  Two of those things arrived in my life around the same time: a career, and Audra Stuart.

  The majority of my brain knows it could never work with her. That I’m the one who put those videos up on the internet, made money off her exploitation, and the idea that one day she could discover that should be enough to convince me to keep my distance.