Living the Dream

by Lyla Payne

  I want to blurt out the news that every last copy of those files has been retrieved from Logan. That he’ll never hurt her again, or even come near her again. But I don’t. It won’t fix anything and I don’t want credit.

  I just want her to feel safe.

  “Hey.” She gives me a smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes. In fact, she doesn’t look at me at all, choosing instead to survey the room. “Good turnout.”

  “Much better than we anticipated.” My palm itches with the desire to reach out and grab her hand but I curl it into a fist instead, shoving it into the pocket of my khakis. “Are you planning on playing?”

  She shoots a glance at Kennedy, who’s searching the packed shithole bar, no doubt in search of her boyfriend. “I don’t think so.”

  “Okay, well, the four of us will just hang out together, then. Make sure no one gets too stupid.”

  “Sounds good. I am going to get a drink, though.”

  Audra wanders off toward the bar and Kennedy stops looking for her boyfriend, pinning me with a keen gaze instead. “She’s miserable. I mean, I’m not saying it’s because of you, but her brothers aren’t speaking to her. Her mother just breaks down into tears every time they talk. Can’t you do something?”

  “Like what?” I snap to hide the fact that my heart feels like it’s peeling off in flakes. “Stop loving her? Not want to marry her? Let her go?”

  “Maybe. Or try harder to make everyone understand.”

  The whole rest of the awkward day, with Audra standing at my side and occasionally leaning into me and letting me put an arm around her for show, those words ring in my mind.

  Try harder to make everyone understand.

  I can’t force Audra to forgive me. Can’t make her decide that even if I lied to her at the beginning I never did again once we began our relationship. But I can make her life easier, even if it does nothing for me in the end.

  It’s the reason I had Baxter get Logan expelled from Whitman, and the reason I went with him to make sure those originals were destroyed, even if my knuckles hurt for a week. If I can do the same thing for her now, ease her misery for these last few weeks of faking it with me, then I can’t not do it.

  I plan a small dinner party for the next night and invite the Stuarts—minus the one I want to see most. Toby and Kennedy come, too, and I think about inviting Quinn and Emilie but decide they don’t have quite the vested interest. And, if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been enjoying the better relationship with my half brother since the night of the benefit. We don’t avoid each other at the beach house anymore, or snap at the slightest provocation. He’s asked about Jocelyn every time we’ve been together and I admitted her illness to him. He had some good ideas about local charities that help with home care, and she’s been in at least decent hands since leaving the hospital two weeks ago.

  She and I haven’t been able to go to dinner again, but the episodes seem to be less frequent.

  Everyone’s gathered in the formal dining room of the mansion and the kitchen bustles with a full staff—something we rarely engage here, but I might as well take advantage of the money while it’s still rolling in. I’ll have a nice cushion after cashing out my shares—a couple million, if the market is good that day—but it won’t last forever. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ll enjoy living a totally different lifestyle for long. Or at all.

  “Thank you all for coming.” I clear my throat, which is clogged with nerves.

  The unfamiliar, unwanted anxiety makes me angry, which is the worst thing I can be right now. In a few minutes plenty of people are going to be pissed off, and the best thing is for me to be calm in the face of it.

  “I know you wanted to have Sunday dinner here, but we kind of thought that would include our sister,” Cole starts, his brogue and peacemaking nature easing me into the conversation.

  “I wanted to talk to you all without Audra here.”

  “If you’re looking for permission, man, you’re a little too late.” Nox glares at me, his arms crossed and his bowl of salad untouched. Law copies his pose but looks a little longingly at the food.

  “It’s not that.” I bite back the desire to tell him if he’d just shut his fucking trap I could get on with it, taking a sip of scotch to make sure the words stay down. To remind myself that I’m doing the right thing. “Audra and I have been pretending to be in a relationship since she came back to school in February.”

  I close my eyes and let the silence wash over me. I expected shouting, Scottish curses, maybe having to duck a punch or two, but not this. They all stare at me—Kennedy not at all surprised, the brothers with varying degrees of hatred on their faces, and Toby disappointed. For some reason that bothers me the most.

  Since no one is asking questions or trying to kill me yet, I push on. “She came to me for help with an issue—don’t ask me what it is, because it’s her business, and if you love your sister you won’t ask her about it, either—but we made an agreement. I asked her to be my girlfriend for the purpose of improving my social standing and credibility on campus in order to potentially mine contacts for a job after graduation.”

  “You want to work?” Cole’s eyebrows go up and the tips of his ears turn a tad red.

  I sneak a glance at Toby but his expression hasn’t changed. Kennedy’s watching him, too, her lips twisted in thought. “It started off being a necessary transition, but yes, now the idea appeals to me a great deal. As does your sister and her happiness, which is why I brought you all here tonight.”

  “Like we’re supposed to believe you care about anyone but yourself. Come on, bro.” Nox looks up from his salad, eyes glinting with rage.

  “He cares about her,” Kennedy says, confident but still thoughtful. “I don’t know why or to what extent, but I’ve seen it. Hear him out.”

  If I were a different person I’d give her my gratitude. Instead, I swallow hard, touched in silence by her support. “None of this was Audra’s idea. She was in trouble and I took advantage of that fact because that’s what I do. Now I’m trying to undo that because, as I said, I care about her happiness, and this whole wedding business is tearing you guys apart. It’s killing her.”

  “So there’s no wedding.”

  I look Cole straight in the eye. “There’s no wedding. There was never going to be a real wedding, since I’m not insane or the marrying type. Maybe that’s the same thing.”

  The joke falls flat as they all watch me, mostly unmoved. Desolation opens up a hole in my center, spilling darkness through bone and muscle, into blood that pumps through my body and into my heart. This is over—really over. The Stuarts know the truth; there’s no reason for Audra to pretend at all. Very few reasons for her to see me now. It might be the right thing to do, but every last part of me aches like a raw nerve.

  It stings worse to be eaten alive in front of these people who hate me. Who think I’m a parasite. I haven’t given them much reason to think otherwise, but that’s not what Audra believes.

  Even the day she came to confront me, told me things could never be the same between us, she’d been kind. And if a girl like her thinks I’m worth something then it must be the truth.

  “I’m sorry we lied to you and I’m sorry I got your sister tangled up in this mess. The two of us have agreed—this was her decision,” I stress, “to keep up the ruse until the end of the school year. I’ll graduate and she’ll come back next fall, no ring on her finger, and tell whatever version of the breakup she chooses. I’d appreciate it if you’d all honor our wishes and not say anything until then.”

  It surprises me that none of them argue. They nod their heads one at a time and get up to leave, no one having taken a bite of food except Nox. It’s wasteful, but that’s not what leaves me feeling out of sorts.

  I am truly an idiot. Did I think the people who love Audra would want to stick around and dine with the guy who took advantage of her at her most vulnerable moment?

  And they don’t even know the half of it.
If the Stuart boys were aware of the footage, and the fact that I’d been the one to exploit their sister’s body for millions of viewers, I’d probably be rotting in the ocean right now.

  I wouldn’t blame them one bit.

  Toby ducks back into the dining room about ten minutes later. The sorrowful look in his eyes when he sees me sitting alone like a little kid who threw a birthday party that no one attended would normally embarrass me. Anger me.

  I’m full up on shame at the moment, though.

  “Hungry?” I give him a halfhearted smile. “There are plenty of leftovers.”

  He sits in the chair two down from mine, close enough to be friendly but far enough to give me space. “You know, we’re not that much different, you and me. I’m surprised it took all this for me to see it.”

  “I think you’re delusional.” I want to be alone. So badly. The last thing I need is pity.

  “Maybe, but hear me out. I’ve never had a lot of friends here. I don’t fit in because of my father—although in my case it’s because partying and making bad decisions aren’t an option for me and it was easier to keep my distance and stay out of trouble. Keep my head down. Until I met Kennedy I didn’t believe there was anyone on this campus worth my time.” He stops, but if he’s waiting for me to say something he’s disappointed. “What I’m saying is that I get it. The way one moment, one meeting, can change your life. Maybe we both knew deep down the whole time that we needed to change. That living apart wouldn’t work long term, but it took that person to make us admit that we want to be a part of the world.”

  A stoic facade has gotten me through so many conversations, has turned away so many well-meaning people over the years, but I find that I don’t have the heart to pull it out right now. Because he’s not wrong. He understands at least a little bit, even if no one but Quinn—and really, not even him—can understand what it was like to be me at ten years old.

  “Audra did that,” I concede. “I mean, before we made our agreement I knew that I needed to make some changes in order to take care of my responsibilities, but I was going to bullshit it. She made me want to be that guy for real.”

  Toby studies me for several moments, brow furrowed and brain moving so fast I think I can hear it. “I believe you. Which is why I’m not going to say anything to my dad about all of this crap. I think it’s shitty that you used her, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love her. What you did tonight took guts, and only someone with Audra’s best interests at heart would have gone through with it.”

  I don’t even know I’m worried about the stupid job before he says that, but the sweet relief fills the hole inside me the tiniest bit, just around the edges. It’s better than nothing. I can keep taking care of my mother.

  “Thank you. I really appreciate it and I’m going to work hard for him.”

  “I know. He liked you a lot. Says he has a good feeling about your future.” Toby shrugs, an incredulous smile on his all-American face. “There’s no accounting for taste.”

  The joke is lame but I chuckle anyway, then throw back the rest of my scotch. It’s such an off experience for me, making what might be an actual friend. Not someone I can use or manipulate, not someone who thinks I can give him things, but a guy who might actually be interested in my life. The hole fills up the slightest bit more.

  “Obviously you and your dad have more in common than you think. Bad taste must run in the family.”

  Toby gives me a smile and stands up to stretch. “Well, Kennedy’s waiting for me in the car, so I’d better get going.”

  “Thanks for sticking around. Do you want a doggie bag?”

  He shakes his head, stepping through the doorway to the living room. Toby pauses and turns back, hesitating as though he’s not sure whether he’s crossing a line or not. “I don’t know if things are going to work out or not with you and Audra. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, Sebastian, but I think she’s going to regret it if they don’t.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Audra

  I can’t believe school lets out for the summer in two weeks. My finals are looming, which is providing a decent distraction from my pieced-together heart, and Blair and Kennedy have been hanging out, insisting on painting our nails and marathoning old seasons of Scandal online. Taking over as Kappa president is also a time suck, but none of it can make me feel the way I did when Sebastian was part of my life.

  The theater is tonight’s attempt at distraction, and it’s packed, the way it always is when Ruby’s starring in a new show, and even though I sit with my brother it’s hard not to feel alone. His girlfriend is brilliant, as ever, and for an hour or so my problems trickle to the back of my mind. Fall to a quiet hum.

  I shouldn’t feel so crappy. I’ve had one of the hackers Blair had checking into the previous site monitoring the internet, and those videos haven’t shown up anywhere he can find them. I scared Logan straight, or maybe Sebastian had another talk with him.

  Either way, it seems as though that secret is safe. My family will never know, and my parents and brothers have started acting normal again. Like maybe they’ll still love me and forgive me and life will go on once this all is over. My “courtship” with Sebastian is nearing an end and we shouldn’t have to see each other again before this is over.

  The pub crawl a few weeks ago was torture. Seeing him, catching him looking at me with those eyes, the ones full of sorrow and regret and, worst of all, the same hope that keeps trying to catch fire inside of me. I don’t understand how I can know what he’s done, how he’s treated me, what kind of person he is and still want to curl up in his arms and let the world fade away.

  Audience members stand up around me, clapping wildly as the small cast takes the stage for their final bows, shoving Ruby front and center. Her cheeks are red, eyes glowing as she accepts the final accolades from the students at Whitman. In a few months she and my brother will both be living in New York City.

  My throat clogs at the thought of being even more alone here. Nox and Law will be around for another year but Cole and Ruby will be gone. Sebastian and Quinn and Emilie will be gone. Blair’s traveling so much to see Sam that she’s gone more weekends than not, and Toby and Kennedy already live together.

  I’ll have the other Kappas and my newfound Political Science major to keep me busy, especially once I start the prelaw track. All those things excite me. Infect me with tingling anticipation over my future. But letting go of the way things have been for the past two years—and three-plus months—isn’t easy.

  I follow Cole and his massive bundle of thistles out to the lobby to wait for Ruby. She floats through the crowd handing out hugs, accepting bouquets and well-wishes and exclamations over how wonderful she is with her typically self-effacing humor, and when the crowd has dwindled to a few family members, she trots over and throws herself into my brother’s arms.

  He kisses her on the mouth and then shoves his bouquet into the mound of other flowers overflowing in her arms, a fake pout on his face. “I guess I’ll stop bringing them.”

  “Don’t you dare. In a few months I’m going to be a face in the chorus—if I’m lucky—and the only way people will remember me is if I’m the girl who gets prickly weeds instead of some proper flowers.”

  He swats her and Ruby laughs, leaning into his side. Tears burn my throat and make their way into my eyes, refusing to ease no matter how hard I blink. I give Ruby a side hug, tell her she was magnificent, and then scram, but not soon enough to avoid the look they exchange. They’re worried.

  Maybe they should be.

  I keep seeing them over and over, so happy together in a way that I honestly thought existed in books and movies and maybe, on the rare occasion, for other people. Now I’ve seen it and touched it and I can’t believe it could ever happen twice. There’s no one in the world more perfect for my brother. If something happened to her, or them, he would never find someone else to love him this way.

  What if Sebastian is my Ruby? What if this is my
chance and all it takes for me to have what they have is a moment of real, true, forgiveness?

  But I can’t stop wondering what will happen if he hurts me again. If he can’t overcome the past and reverts, leaving me bitter and isolated and always wondering if my own boyfriend is running schemes on me, what then?

  “Audra?”

  I turn around at the sound of Cole’s voice, furiously wiping my eyes even though it’s a vain attempt to hide my obvious distress from one of the people who knows me best. “Yeah?”

  “Oh, Audra.” He pulls me into a hug, pressing his chin to the top of my head and squeezing so tight my ribs threaten to pop. “You’re going to be okay.”

  “I know,” I mumble against his suit, worried that I’m getting snot all over it.

  He lets me go and glances over his shoulder as though he’s worried that someone might be listening. No one cares. Everyone is gone but us and the other cast members, and they’re all inside changing.

  “What?” I narrow my eyes at him as they clear up, my mind struggling to focus on something other than feeling sorry for myself.

  “I don’t know if telling you this is the right thing to do, but I can’t stand to see you sad.”

  “You can’t stand to see anyone sad, Cole. You’re the softest softy in the world.”

  “Sebastian had us all over for dinner a few weeks ago and he told us everything.” His eyebrows pinch together as he studies my face, which feels as though it’s made of glue at the moment.

  Sebastian told them everything? He wouldn’t do that.

  “He didn’t tell us what happened to send you to him for help in the first place, but he told us about blackmailing you into being his girlfriend and that he messed it all up. That the wedding was always a fake.”

  It’s easier to breathe knowing that my family remains blissfully unaware of Logan’s asshole move, but it’s still hard to think that Sebastian would out himself that way. Toby could find out. Anyone could find out, and it could destroy his chances of using Whitman connections after graduation.