Secret Shopper

by Tanya Taimanglo

  Thomas and Tano found a few seats in front of us. I wasn’t nervous because I wanted a shift to happen tonight. I was tired of dancing around my feelings for Thomas. In my heart, I was divorced. I had sung this song a hundred times at the top of my voice in my car. It was my new anthem. I wanted it to end tonight so I could sing a new song for a new man. The angry guitar melody started for Never Again. Angelica swayed erotically, while I stood stoic. She began the song off with me. I focused on my expression, my voice.

  The music swelled and by the time the crashing percussion started, Angelica stopped singing, and looked at me eyes wide. Nerves threatened to silence me, but I closed my eyes and sang the lyrics burned in my brain. She faded into the background moving her head side to side to the beat of the song. The gravelly sound of my voice surprised me and I felt strong as I pounded out the rest of the words that rang so true for me. I hated Bradley. I could never love him again. And I would never forgive him.

  I released my grip on the silver microphone at the end of my song. It was dead silent in the bar and all eyes were on me. I must have been quite the sight. Mermaids gone wild. I took a few deep breaths and looked to Angelica for support. Then there was an uproar from the crowd that made me jump. Cheering, not jeering to my relief. I blushed and bowed and waddled off stage. Thomas stood at the edge, holding his hand out. I accepted and felt like I crossed a new threshold.

  The bar chanted, “Mermaid! Mermaid!” over and over again. I sought refuge at the booth. I burned from the spotlight. Thomas slid in next to me. Angelica and Tano joined us. The next person on the mic made reference to me, something about being unable to follow my act, but he was going to give it a shot.

  “That was awesome, Ms. Clarkson.” Thomas leaned into me. He had his arms around my shoulder and I felt secure next to him, even with his ridiculous forearm. I didn’t shake him off. I couldn’t stop looking at his gorgeous face. Do I dare feel bold and think that he could be mine? I just had to say the word. I’ve never had this power before. I chased Bradley in high school, campaigned for his heart. This was different.

  Tano cleared his throat, breaking the awkward lull and offered to buy a round. Angelica followed him like a love struck puppy. I was alone with Thomas and I didn’t want our time together to end. I breathed him in, his light cologne and the scent of his shampoo with his natural state made me heady. With a slow paced love song by Journey in the background, I made the next move and took Thomas’s right hand in mine. He rested his forehead on my hair and inhaled deeply. I felt like he understood the reason for my performance. It was my final act of severing my ties with Bradley. I decided that I had been in limbo long enough and that whether the divorce papers came now or later, Thomas and I could proceed with whatever it was we were both willing to explore.

  Tano and Angelica ran back empty-handed. It felt like they were shielding us from someone, they were so close.

  “Hey, Thomas, Phoenix, Bradley’s at the bar. He’s been here for awhile apparently. He wants to talk to Thomas outside.” Tano said quickly. Thomas kept his arm around me, his grip tightened.

  “How did he know I was here?” I tilted my head to see past Tano and there was Bradley at the bar, seething. Suddenly, my cousin Ty busted through the doors. He confronted Bradley, placing his hands on his shoulders. My cousin outweighed Bradley by about twenty pounds in both muscle, height and brains, and was head and shoulders above him in military experience. But, the way Bradley was pushing against Ty, it didn’t seem to matter. Ty pointed at Bradley like he was telling a naughty dog to stay and he scanned the bar. I presumed he was looking for me, so I sent Tano to call him over.

  “Thomas. I don’t want you to fight Bradley, okay?”

  Thomas smiled, “Don’t you worry. I ate my can of spinach today.” He joked, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. They were instead hard and focused. His typically sexy tousled hair became menacing when paired with the fire in his eyes.

  Angelica took a seat across from me and her mouth opened when she spied my cousin. Ty marched to our table. He gave me and Thomas a tentative smile, then looked at and addressed Angelica.

  “Hey, cuz. I’m sorry, I didn’t even know that you and Bradley were on the skids until my dad told me. By then, man it was too late. Bradley called asking for you.” Angelica looked utterly confused, as were the rest of us at the table. It dawned on me that Ty hadn’t seen me in a year and a year ago, I was a voluptuous brunette. Angelica looked from Ty to me. He realized that she was confused and looked at me finally. I smiled and raised my eyebrows to indicate that yes I was his blood relation. Out of respect, Thomas removed his arm from my shoulder, but kept my hand in his under the table. I could feel his warm body turn rigid as his eyes darted to the bar.

  Tano spoke to Bradley at the bar arms pumping, trying to keep him from approaching us. It looked like they were doing a funny side to side cha cha, it didn’t help that the latest song blasting was the 90’s one hit wonder, I’m Too Sexy.

  Ty looked back at Bradley to make sure he was doing what he was told and sat down across from me. He quickly apologized to Angelica and took a second to appreciate what he saw. Men, geez. Angelica picked up on this instantly and blushed. She looked at me and mouthed, “Oh my god.”

  “Damn. Cuz, I haven’t seen you in so long. You look so, well, you’re doing Sirena justice. I’ll leave it at that. No wonder Bradley’s going ape shit!” Thomas smiled and introduced himself as my friend. I couldn’t believe how calm everyone was when there was a rabid beast at the bar waiting to rip Thomas’s throat out!

  “That’s not why we’re splitting, this is not why we’re splitting,” I released Thomas’s hand. “Are we done with the pleasantries? Ty what’s going on?” I asked frantically.

  “I’m sorry, Phoenix. I told Bradley you were here when he called the house. I thought you two were still married. I guess things change drastically when you’re deployed.” My cousin was a smidgen cuter than Tano and Angelica couldn’t believe her luck as Ty took another appreciating look at her. I had a quick prediction that Angelica would end up with a Chamorro man. Love was all around, so what about the pariah at the bar?

  “I’m not going to leave my party because Bradley decided to crash.” I said defiantly.

  “Dad sent me down here and if he doesn’t hear from me soon, you know he’s gonna come down here himself.” I believed my cousin.

  “Thomas, maybe we should get out of here.” I offered. He smiled and said it was a good idea. We rose united, and Angelica volunteered to explain to Bruce that I was leaving early. I looked around for Thomas’s group and they assembled on stage. Tamara kept waving at Thomas, but he gave her the thumbs up, pointed at me and pulled me to the side exit. Ty joined Tano in the efforts to keep the enemy at bay.

  Bradley, a quarterback in high school, made a dash for us. Thomas was yanked backwards releasing my hand. Bradley grabbed him by the shoulders and swiveled him around. It was outrageous seeing these two men within striking distance. In the blue corner was the man that I was leaving and in the red corner was my future. Thomas was lithe and fair and god-like compared to Bradley who lacked in everything. Why did it take me so long to figure that out? I had a lot to thank Jem for ironically.

  The two men didn’t say a word. Thomas was a lion, fists clenched on each side of him. The bulging forearms weren’t so comical now. Bradley was drunk and he met Thomas’s eyes, albeit a good five inches taller than his with an equal intensity. I grabbed Thomas’s hand and wanted to escape with him. Tano and Ty were breathing hard and ready for anything. Ty placed his hands on Bradley and Tano tried to wiggle his way in between his cousin and his best bud. The testosterone overload was overwhelming.

  “What the fuck are you to my wife, hah?” Bradley addressed Thomas. Ty yanked Bradley’s arms back. The poor owner of the bar was a tiny Korean man who knew better than to engage the attention of anyone in this pack of growling men. I reached out for Thomas’s hand again and Bradley’s eyes flickered angrily to me, he swatt
ed my arm away with violent, angry force and I spun around finding myself suddenly facing the stage. The music was still playing, but all singing ceased, eyes on the developing drama.

  Thomas put himself between me and Bradley. “You touch her again and you’re history.”

  Bradley guffawed. This time Tano became overprotective of his buddy and shoved Bradley. Good, I thought, but I hoped it would end there. Bradley gave his cousin a hurt look for a moment. Why couldn’t Bradley just let me go? He threw me out four months ago. Ty urged Tano to keep it cool. Finally, the bar owner got on the mic and clamored on top of his bar counter, “If you doh lib now I call polish man!”

  The electricity in our group dropped a notch and everyone did a double take at the miniscule bar owner. I was the lone person who could translate his words, recognizing that he was Korean and spoke English like my mom.

  “He’s calling the police if we don’t leave.” I stated quickly. I saw Bruce craning to see the action and I worried about how my boss would view this disaster. I prayed they wouldn’t see this fracas. I didn’t want to lose my job.

  Ty suddenly put Bradley in a submissive hold and forced him out the door. I stayed safe behind Thomas, but a tiny part of me felt like I was betraying Bradley. Tano snapped Thomas out of his intense rage and we headed to my car. Ty shoved Bradley in his truck, being in no condition to drive. Tano agreed to drive Bradley’s car back to their condo. I thought this was a bad idea, because I didn’t want Bradley to have an excuse to go back to Thomas’s place.

  “Cuz, I’m going to drive Bradley home and have a talk with him. Can you call my dad and let him know what’s up?”

  “Jem! Take me to Jem.” Bradley spit on the ground.

  “Who’s Jem?” Ty asked me.

  “Long story, but she’s the reason for the split. She lives in Poway. He’ll be fine there.” I whispered. Ty hugged me and shook Thomas’s hand. Tano bid us farewell and grabbed the keys to the Bradley’s car.

  “Thank you, Tano. And, welcome home cousin.” I called after them. Thomas held my shoulders, his touch surprised me and I turned to look at his face, softer now that the threat was gone.

  “Thomas, I’m sorry about all this. This whole scene is so immature. I never thought Bradley was capable of such childishness. And,” I wanted to continue, but I was spinning my wheels. I wondered for a second how Bradley felt, sitting at the bar drunk, listening to me sing such an angry song. It was painfully obvious to him and anyone who knew my situation that Bradley was the target of my hatred.

  A moment ago, before Bradley created such a spectacle, I was so sure of my feelings for Thomas. It felt like the exact moment I decided to invite Thomas into my life, Bradley was there to shut the door on his foot. I felt again, like moving on was happening too soon. I didn’t want to lose Thomas. These past few weeks unraveled so quickly. My love affair with Bradley occurred over time, it was a slow burn. And, I was certain that the last ember of my love for him finally cooled. My experience only taught me that love is developed over time. I didn’t have any other experience to draw from otherwise. Watching romantic comedies don’t count.

  With Thomas, the escalation was impossibly quick and I wasn’t sure if dousing our feelings continuously would kill anything between us altogether. Would it be fair to ask him to wait again? Was I worth the wait? I guess I could only offer him the truth and wait and see. I needed to get myself in focus and if I had to wait another two months to have the divorce, Thomas would have to wait too.

  “Hey, Phoenix.” Thomas placed his hand under my chin and raised my face to his. He was quiet and patient as I mulled over these thoughts. Thomas watched as the two cars drove off with three variations of colossal Chamorro men. Ty was smart enough to drive Bradley away from where Thomas and I stood. As the anger and shame began to settle in me, I became aware of how brisk the night air was. My mermaid costume was not a good barrier from the cold. Thomas tuned into my discomfort and he reached out to warm my arms. I let him.

  “Want to wear my forearm warmers?” Thomas joked.

  “That’s okay. I should get back to my uncle’s house.” I kept my eyes just past Thomas, looking at the gift I gave him dangling from the mirror in his car. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him false hope by giving him a token of my affection so soon.

  “You’ll be okay, Phoenix. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Thomas reassured me and I believed him. I knew that despite this outburst, he felt we made progress tonight. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but I didn’t know any other way to proceed.

  I looked up into his gorgeous eyes and fought back tears. It was so hard to deny this beautiful creature what he wanted, but I had to. I had to make the journey of being a wife to being available intelligently. My marriage to Bradley was still intact, until we both signed the paperwork. I couldn’t enter Thomas’s life with the stench of Bradley on me. It wouldn’t be fair.

  “Thomas. I’m not sure we should,” I didn’t know how to explain my decision to him since his eyes conveyed such longing. Finally, a tiny, tragic smile appeared and he nodded his head like he understood. Why was he being so nice and making this easy for me? It made me want him all the more.

  “I think I get it. But, Phoenix. Tell me. Are we still friends? I mean, can we still continue being friends, I don’t think I could just stop being a part of your life.” And there he went, he just made this harder.

  “Of course, Thomas. Friends. But, let’s just give each other some space until I get this divorce thing settled.” I knew it was me who needed the space more than Thomas. He dropped his eyes to the ground and began to peel the stockings off his forearms. He looked up at me with his doe eyes and it took all my power not to embrace him, and his next request was exactly what I wanted, but not what I needed.

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you for awhile now. Would it be too much to ask if you gave me that treat tonight?” He smiled expectantly. I bit my lip in response, no, I couldn’t do that. The rational side of my brain knew it was a bad idea. I wondered often what his mouth would taste like and feel like against my lips. My body warmed up again and I shook my head, denying his request. Head won over heart.

  “That would be a really bad idea right now,” I whispered.

  “Okay, um, how about a hug between friends?” I conceded and fell into his arms. I rested the left side of my face against his hard chest. The warmth emanated from him and calmed me. I allowed myself to encircle his back and I squeezed him tight. Thomas responded in turn with additional pressure on his hold on my hips and back. He moaned with contentment and I savored the moment.

  I wasn’t sure who let go first, but it was probably me. I felt like home in his warm embrace, and it tore me up to let him go that night. I drove away with the realization that our lives would only be connected by our mutual friendship for each other. Driving to Spring Valley, I cried so intensely, feeling like I missed my chance with Thomas; embarrassed to death of Bradley. Rachel’s visit marked a point where I felt like I was in the eye of the storm. Now, things were adrift again. My life was being propelled into the air in a thousand different directions. I prayed for the storm to be over, so I could feel like myself again. I wanted to find all the pieces and rebuild. I tried too soon to clean up and now I was being punished with the tail end of the typhoon causing chaos in my world, yet again.

  Chapter 11

  Karaoke Therapy

  It was hard to forecast my life when the wind whipped debris all around me. I needed to anchor onto something so I wouldn’t get swept up in the man drama. Rachel agreed that I should focus on two things: myself and my work. I was on a ship alone in the night, bouncing around in the choppy ocean water, with a beacon of light ahead. That was Thomas. But the vast space between us made refuge from the storm hard to envision.

  Thomas gave me space that weekend. I headed back to the condo after Ty confirmed he took Bradley to the airport. My home minus my soon to be ex helped me breathe again.

  As expected, the house was a disaster area an
d I spent the week cleaning his caveman carnage. It reminded me of the funk I was in after our break up, when it took energy just to get dressed. I pitied him for a tiny second.

  Bradley was the highest speed bump ever erected, impeding my journey to self-discovery, self-recovery and self-satisfaction. I took comfort in the fact that I had two months to enjoy my home.

  Bradley tried to visit me once after the karaoke scene. His mission was aborted when Uncle Tony dictated to him how the next two months would play out. Under duress, Bradley half-heartedly agreed to sign the divorce docs before Christmas. An angry retired Marine Colonel who could render you unconscious with his men who stare at goats skill would make me yield too.

  Ty packed Bradley’s things into boxes expertly. The boxes collected in the dining room like a Tetris game I wasn’t enjoying. I continued my search for a new home. My parents begged me to fly to Guam, but I wanted a life in California, I dared to dream about graduate school or owning a business.

  Bradley had already secured a renter for the property for the New Year. This was progress. I didn’t ask him where he would be moving. Northern California, I hoped. Without me, I knew.

  I was preoccupied with getting the condo cleaned and requesting extra work from The Lure Company, that I didn’t realize it had been a full week before Thomas made contact. I wondered if he was writing or working during our break, but I had time to debug my mind.