by NJ Flatman
Shutting the door behind me I laughed once more at her suggestion. Be manlier. Sounded like the perfect plan to win back the girl that was mad at me. If only life were as simple as Colby liked to make it in her head.
Once more I tried to call Avery and yet again she ignored the call. Frustrated, angry and very worried about where she was, I got into the car and headed back to Kev’s place with dread. The moment he said a damn thing we were going to fight and I just wasn’t in the mood for it.
~Avery~
Sweat dripped from my forehead and across my brow. Swiping it away with my hand, I found myself wishing once more that I had air conditioning in the shitty apartment I lived in. The t-shirt I wore clung to my skin and I’d removed the shorts hours before. Fanning myself with a magazine seemed to provide very little relief from the misery. I was just going to have to suffer.
It had taken less than a month to start hating all of the irritating things about my apartment. Since our first night out a couple weeks before, Luke and I had spent very little time there. That made it easier to forget how miserable it was. Sitting in it alone, however, pushed the bad side right up into my face.
The heat that never seemed to dissipate. The things that were broken. The furniture that was barely usable. I hated all of it. It was all I could see when I looked around. Well, that and Spencer. He was all over the apartment.
Secretly though, I wondered if I would have noticed any of it if everything hadn’t changed and he was still there with me. He’d made it all seem romantic. Well, that and I’d changed a lot since then.
The entire day had been spent lying on the couch and praying that sleep would take over. I needed it. My body needed it. I was exhausted. Not only that, my mind wasn’t okay any longer. Functioning was becoming more difficult by the minute. The hope was futile. With the temperature of my skin even a cat nap was damn near impossible. Nothing could make me feel comfortable. Nothing. It didn’t help that my mind was a volcano of emotion about to erupt.
Of all the times for Luke to decide to go MIA, he had to pick the day I needed his presence the most. They still happened sometimes. Bad days. Moments when everything would hit me and I’d feel it all. Intense emotions would course through me and bring me lower than I’d ever been in my life. It was those days that I needed a distraction — something to ease the pain. Even if that meant just having Luke there to remind me that I wasn’t alone in the world.
It was strange to me — needing him there the way I did. I wasn’t sure I liked it. It wasn’t like he could stay forever. Hell, it wasn’t like I wanted him to.
It was nothing more than friendship and would never be. In fact, he probably wouldn’t have even been my first choice in the friend department. He was good to me, but there were times when he made me feel crazy and I wished he’d go away. Luke couldn’t live on a normal person level. His life was all about fun and jokes. It made it very hard for me when I was feeling like this. Still, I needed him. I couldn’t do this alone and I knew it. Any doubt would have quickly been erased by how fast I was sinking and he’d been gone less than twenty four hours.
It scared me kind of. Like maybe he just didn’t want to be around me. Had I done something? Was he tired of me? Was he trying to distance himself because I wouldn’t take it to another level? Not knowing was worse than having answers and I knew very little. Not much more than that it left me feeling really shitty. I had never done alone very well, and this time it was especially hard. It wasn’t like I really had anyone else to call up and talk to or spend the day with.
Most of my friends hadn’t contacted me in so long that I was pretty sure I’d been dropped off their friend list for good. The majority of them had backed away long before Spencer had left me. For a while they’d call or invite me to things — sometimes they’d just stop by. I was always busy, always saying no. Seems they got tired of never seeing me and always getting turned down. So they’d just quit trying and moved on with their lives. Ones that I no longer fit into or had a place in. I understood it, but understanding didn’t change the way it felt.
There weren’t even any work friends to fall back on. During my breakdown in South Carolina I’d called and quit my job at the diner. Not that it was a career or anything — and not that I really had friends from there — but it left me without any interaction at all.
I still hadn’t replaced the job. Of course, I also hadn’t put a lot of effort in. For the minute Luke was tending to my bills and I guess I’d just let him so I could try and feel somewhat normal. Something about being numb inside didn’t leave a lot of room for exploring career paths. Besides, I couldn’t exactly pass a drug test at that moment and few places in Chicago bypassed that during the hiring process.
The world was a lonely place. One that consisted mostly of Luke, drugs and whatever people I met through the two. I missed my friends but I didn’t really belong there anymore. I was the flaky, free-spirited and irresponsible Avery before all of this. I could only imagine what they’d think if they knew me now.
Jobless. Hopeless. Using drugs. Spending my time with a man I’d met on vacation. God, they’d probably have me committed. That’s why I never could quite make that call.
Well, that and the fact that they’d only share their opinions and the comments would piss me off. They knew it would happen. He wasn’t the permanent kind of guy. We were too different to last forever. It’s a shame I bailed on my friends to be with him. I knew all of the things they’d tell me. I was also aware that I couldn’t handle it. Not right then.
Those that didn’t would pity me. I’d see the looks on their faces and feel just as uncomfortable as I felt sitting alone in the dark. I didn’t want sympathy. I wasn’t sad anymore. I didn’t feel bad about my life other than realizing that it was different from those I’d always known. I had finally become okay in my own skin. Mostly. Why put myself in that position just because I was having a rough and lonely day? Those days were rare. Feeling inadequate was occasional.
Besides, most of them knew Colby and I’d written her off completely. That bitch had been trying to call since I’d come home. No way was I having that nonsense. She wanted to walk away from her best friend — walk away. I was done.
I just avoided situations that would put me in a position of answering questions, listening to the praises of her or the worst— running into her. I wasn’t sure I could handle a face to face. I kind of wasn’t sure I wanted to. Especially knowing that she’d been spending time with Spencer. He hadn’t said why or how often and that made it worse. They were supposed to hate each other and love me. Seems the reverse had happened.
Luke said I was jealous, but it wasn’t jealousy. Not at all. I was angry. I felt betrayed. I wasn’t jealous. Spencer wanted me and only me. He made that clear. What did I have to be jealous of?
Pulling at the neckline of my shirt, I was still trying to cool off. The temperature felt ten degrees hotter than it had only minutes before. Every inch of my skin was drenched in sweat. How the hell was I going to survive the summer feeling like that?
Deciding that enough was enough, I pulled out my phone to call Luke. He could come get me and we’d get the hell out of the furnace I called home. Not being big on heading out by myself, it seemed the perfect solution. I could stop the pain, cool off and have someone to talk to.
“I can’t tonight babe,” he answered when I suggested we head out. “I’m busy. I’m sorry.”
“Busy?”I think that’s the first time since I’d met him that I’d heard him say he was too busy for me. I didn’t like it at all. “Busy doing what?”
“Shit, I can’t remember her name,” he cackled into the phone, making my skin crawl. “But she’s damn cute. Maybe tomorrow though?”
I agreed to give him a rain check and avoided the conversation about his day so far. As much as I wanted to talk to him — to anyone — I was afraid he’d hear the change in my voice and take it the wrong way. Knowing Luke he’d think I was jealous and a part of me secretly wanted to be with him. God kn
ows the last thing I needed was for him to try and escape the friend zone I’d put him in. Especially when I needed him so much.
What the fuck was wrong with him? He confused me. It’s like one minute he was up my ass, wanting to spend every waking minute with me. The next — the one I really needed him there — he was blowing me off for some random piece of ass without a name. Those moments reminded me why I could never date him. Flighty and immature weren’t my thing.
Right, because Spencer wasn’t either of those.
The night was going to be a huge disappointment. I had no one to call. No one to keep me company or talk to me. Nothing to distract me from the thoughts invading my mind. No way to escape the feelings and the memories that were taking over. The heat was ungodly and constantly getting worse and there was nothing else I could do. I would sit there and sweat to death with invasions of heartache, pain and inevitably tears.
I knew what I needed most and it wasn’t Luke, but I was out. Given that he’d left me enough for a couple days, I didn’t want to share that with him. It’d been long gone for a while. Knowing him, he’d have decided I had a problem and refused to help me any more. Luke was stubborn and didn’t want to listen. I didn’t have a problem. I was fine. But those lonely and silent hours made me think too much. Besides, the apartment was hot. It was the only way I’d been able to sleep and relax.
I had to either find a dealer or another way to occupy my brain. I needed something to distract me before I crumbled into pieces.Something that wasn’t Luke.
No way in hell would I try and pull my only friend from his current conquest with sappy I need you nonsense. Not because he wouldn’t come. Mostly because he would and it’d be with the entirely wrong perception of my feelings. So I needed to find something else to keep myself busy.
A cold shower seemed like the perfect place to start. If it didn’t relax me, at least it’d help to cool me off. The apartment was sweltering by that point and I couldn’t stand it anymore. As I headed into the bathroom I heard my phone chirp and I stopped and debated answering. Deciding the cold water was more appealing, I ignored it and shut the door behind me.
Ice cold water had never been my thing and it took about two seconds to realize that hadn’t changed. When I showered, I preferred to be damn near scalded by the temperatures. But the heat had gotten to me and I was trying to cool down somehow. Admittedly, it felt good, but the fact that it also pricked my skin like tiny needles reminded me how much I hated it. The stiffening nipples only helped me remember other things I’d been missing in my life.
The drugs helped to numb that as well. It was hard to feel desire or realize anything was lacking when my body felt like lead and I didn’t want to move. I found it easier to just forget about the physical needs that lie under the surface. The only one touching me was me and it was just to scratch because my skin itched like crazy. I refused to think about it any further than that, somehow subconsciously knowing that it was because I only wanted Spencer.
I preferred not to feel desire or a need for sexual release. When I felt that longing I became vulnerable. It was more than just the heartbreak of not being with Spencer. The torture of living without his touch hit me just as hard. It also opened the door for him to pull me back in.
I would debate going out, finding someone else, but I never could. My heart was still with him. I just chose to numb the feelings as much as possible.
The knock on the door startled me from my thoughts and made me feel almost giddy with excitement. Someone was there and it didn’t matter who. Not that I didn’t know. Luke was the only person ever to just show up. Maybe he’d heard my voice and realized that I needed him without me saying it. I felt bad, but at the same time I didn’t.
My goal had never been to ruin his life or make him obligated to tend to me. I just had to get to the point where I wasn’t quite so needy of his time and attention. Then he could go do whatever — or whoever— he wanted.
I quickly jumped out of the shower and slipped a t-shirt on without even taking the time to dry myself off. An old pair of shorts was hanging on the back of the door and I grabbed them . Some things Luke did not need to see and me without clothing was one of them. Even if he would enjoy it.
Racing to the door I questioned my own sanity. I needed a life desperately if something this trivial excited me so much. Unfortunately, the excitement and the smile didn’t last long. As I swung the door open, I realized it wasn’t Luke standing on the other side.
“I tried to call,” his eyes wandered down my body, taking in the sight of my damp shirt and skimpy shorts. “You didn’t answer.”
“Maybe I was busy,” I lied, knowing damn well I’d been anything but. “What do you want Spencer?”
“Not a fair question,” his mouth turned into a little smile. “At least not when you stand there looking like that.”
Heat crept across my face as I felt it flush. This was not a good thing. The look on his face blended with his words caused those old flames to build stronger. The same flames I spent so much time trying to extinguish.
“Can I come in?” Insecurity clouded his question. He wasn’t sure I would say yes, and more importantly, he wasn’t sure what reason would make me say no.
I stepped back and waved him through the door without words. There wasn’t much to say. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him. I always wanted to see Spencer. I just didn’t need to be around him when I was weak.
It was important to have strength when we were together. Every visit was more of the same and it took a lot of courage to fight against what every fiber of my being wanted. Even knowing that I’d end up back where I was the night I went to Luke, I still found it difficult to battle the urge to do it all over again.
“Did I interrupt something?” Glancing around the apartment suspiciously, I knew Spencer was checking to see if Luke was lurking in the shadows.
“He’s not here,” I answered the unspoken question. “Won’t be here tonight.”
Telling Spencer I was alone for the night was probably a bad idea. Especially knowing he was already thinking of things we couldn’t do. Shouldn’t do. Wouldn’t do. As always he would use the situation to his advantage. The conversation would be familiar. He loved me. He wanted me back. He’d never hurt me again.
The same words I’d heard since the first time. Promises. Empty and void of any real meaning. Both of us knowing it was bullshit. Both of us knowing that he’d leave me again and destroy me worse than he already had.
“I think this is our first time alone since…”
“Since you put me to bed, just drunk enough to know I wouldn’t wake up, and walked out that door?”
His eyes dropped to the floor and I watched him shift from one foot to the other. He was uncomfortable with the question, or maybe with the memory. A twinge of guilt hit my gut, but disappeared almost as fast as it’d come. I couldn’t feel guilty for being honest.
“I’m sorry Ave,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Because it’s entirely possible to leave someone that loves you while they sleep and not hurt them, right?”
The sadness and loneliness had taken a back seat to the anger. Desire was replaced by frustration. Words spilled out without me even having to think them over. They just were.
“Avery…”
“Save it Spencer,” I snapped. “I’ve heard it all before. It doesn’t mean anything more now than it did then. Actually, probably less.”
“Do you want me to leave?” For the first time I looked at his face and saw the pain he was feeling. Old habits die hard and I felt my stomach tighten up. Whatever he felt, I felt it stronger. “I can go.”
The words were muffled, forced out past the tears that were close to falling. Watching his eyes glisten in the dim apartment light was torture. I wanted to hold him. Go to him. Yet at the same time, I wanted to scream at him. Force him away. Tell him to leave.
“No,” half truth and half lie. “You can stay. Let’s just
not bring up the past.”
“Fair enough,” he nodded and made his way to the sofa. “How have you been?”
“Okay,” I lied, tugging at the collar of my shirt again. The lowered temps of the cold shower had passed and I was beginning to sweat again.
