by NJ Flatman
“Are you okay?” his eyes watched my fingers tug at the fabric, concern showing on his face. “Are you sick?”
“No, just really hot,” grabbing a magazine I fanned myself once more. “See the way I’m sweating?”
“That’s why I asked if you were sick,” he nodded his head towards me. “It’s not that hot in here.”
“You’re crazy,” I argued. “It’s like a sauna.”
“No Ave,” his brows furrowed with worry as he watched me. “It’s not. Are you sure you are okay?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I shrugged, blowing off his question and developing a few of my own that I couldn’t say out loud.
I wondered if the sweating and heat was related to the drugs. I mean I had been doing more than usual lately. Except for that day. I hadn’t done any. Could that have caused it? Perhaps it was a symptom of not doing it.
Would that make it a withdrawal symptom? Like something an addict goes through when they try to quit? Was I really starting to have withdrawals? Hell, I barely did any. How could I be withdrawing from it? The thought made me laugh. No way was I an addict. Shit, I could stop whenever. I barely even did it to begin with.
Addict. That was funny.
“Did I miss a joke?” Spencer smiled and I realized I’d literally laughed out loud.
“Not really,” I shook my head. “Just a funny thought is all.”
“Did it involve both of us naked?”
“Thought you were convinced I was sick?”
“I am,” he grinned. “I just decided I was willing to risk catching whatever you have.”
“I’m flattered,” I laughed, standing to go and grab a beer from the fridge. “But all I have is a case of the apartment being hot as fuck.”
“Okay Avery,” I hated when he did that. Agreeing just to end the discussion. Placating my feelings. Fuck him.
“Don’t okay me Spencer,” I argued. “This place is hotter than hell, I’m sure.”
“What kind of drugs are you on?”
My face jerked up and I almost snapped an answer when I realized he was just teasing. He’d always said that. I had almost confessed and it’d been a joke. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was sick.
~Spencer~
If anyone were to ask me what Avery had talked about that day, I’d be hard-pressed to remember a damn word she’d said. Not because I wasn’t listening. Something about Avery made me zone in to whatever words were coming from her lips — even if they weren’t directed towards me.
For the first time in I didn’t know how long, I had an evening alone with her. We had the opportunity to sit there in what was supposed to be our apartment and talk. Yet as she blabbered on about whatever topic had her attention, I couldn’t focus on the words.
My mind was drawn to her. She was so different than the girl I’d known. Yet, she was so much the same. Her hair was a little longer and not at all what I’d come to love. She kept it straightened most of the time now, so I was glad to catch her just after a shower when it fell messily against her face and shoulders. Occasionally one of her hands would reach up and push a strand out of her eyes. The simple gesture took me back to that first afternoon when we’d taken a walk.
I still couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. After all that time and the multiple pauses between us, she still captured every ounce of my attention. Even fresh from bathing and covered in nothing more than a snug t-shirt and barely there pair of shorts. Did she wear that stuff when he was around? The thought filled my mind with jealousy and frustration.
I liked seeing her like this. Before she added all the junk to her face and adorned her body with the latest fashions. That’d never been Avery’s thing and while I found her sexy as hell when she was all put together like that, I still adored the simple girl that was comfortable without it. It hurt me to see her alter herself because she no longer believed who she was would be enough.
Was that how she felt when she’d woke up? The thought of Avery sitting in this very apartment believing that she wasn’t enough for me caused a physical pain that I wasn’t sure I’d survive. Closing my eyes for only a brief second I vowed to spend the rest of my life showing that woman how very special she was and what a goddamned idiot I had been.
“Sleeping on me?” her laugh brought my attention back to the conversation I’d been missing. “Some things never change do they?”
Her mouth turned up into a smile and took me away from negative thoughts. For the first time she had a memory of the two of us that didn’t make her withdraw. Her eyes didn’t twitch and her mouth didn’t tighten as her body flinched just a little. It was progress. Small progress— but any progress is good progress.
I was going to kiss her. I knew that the minute I saw the smile creep onto her face. Biting her lip gently, she looked at me with what almost resembled love — giving me the confidence that I needed to follow through. There was no doubt that she’d let me. Hell, she’d kiss me back.
She was mine and we both damn well knew it. Regardless of what happened between us in the past, she belonged to me. I knew that because I also belonged to her. Now was the time to remind her of that.
Leaning forward, I saw her do the same. She was inviting it. Wanting it. After all of this time waiting and watching her cling to that loser she befriended, I was going to have my moment. My chance.
Just as I was about to grab the back of her head and pull her in to me, she moved slightly. Nothing noticeable under ordinary circumstances, but it caught my eye. She slipped her hand underneath the collar of her t-shirt and pulled it away from her skin. She was sweating more than I did after a workout and she’d done nothing but sit still on the couch and talk.
Something was wrong with Avery. That’s all I could think of as I watched her slip a little closer, waiting on the moment our lips touched. She wasn’t okay. In fact, I was pretty sure she was really sick. No one looked like that if all was okay.
“Avery,” I stopped and pulled myself away from her. “Are you okay?”
“I told you it’s hot in here,” she argued. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you are,” sweat was dripping along her face and her hair was starting to look damp again. “Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”
“Oh my fucking God,” she slid back across the couch to the other side. “I don’t need a doctor. I need a new apartment.”
“I thought you loved this place?”hurt feelings showed as her words hit below the belt. “I thought…”
“I loved the fantasy you created about it,” she mumbled. “Much like everything else — it didn’t last.”
And we were back to the attitude. The condescending comments and insinuations that were designed to be a knife through my gut. I had to admit, she had mastered verbal assault since we’d split up. The irony wasn’t lost on me that it felt a lot like being in a room with Colby before she and I had become friendly.
“Why are you suddenly angry at me?” The entire time I’d been there her moods had shifted and changed repeatedly. She’d go from smiling and happy to angry to looking as though she’d just lost her hope for life. It was confusing. “Just a minute ago you were …”
“Just a minute ago I was lost in the moment. Memories that I enjoyed hit me and I had a moment of weakness. Had your dumb ass been able to follow through without someone holding your fucking hand, it probably would have went somewhere.”
She stood up and made her way across the short distance to the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a beer. Part of me wanted one, but I’d let the anger pass before I asked.
“Luckily for me, you bailed as always,” more of the spiteful words were being slung at me. “ At least I didn’t get suckered back into that heartache waiting to happen.”
Rolling her eyes angrily, she took a long sip of the beer. In what amounted to a simple millisecond of time, the Avery I’d known was gone and the new and improved version was sitting by me. Cold and detached, she drank from the bottle in silence.
I opened my mouth several times to speak and stopped before anything came out. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the words to say. They just weren’t going to be very nice. Fuck this bullshit. I loved her and I’d just seen her return that feeling. What the hell had happened?
“Don’t give me that shit Avery,” words came tumbling out — a blend of pain and anger that I’d been unable to control. “I’m not the one that took off halfway across the country, found myself a new guy and changed everything about who I’d been. I’m not the one that switches from a look of longing to a look of hatred in a split fucking second. I’m not the one that keeps the other stringing along with nothing more than a fraction of hope that this will work out.”
“You’re just the one that keeps leaving.”
Her comment wasn’t yelled or even said sternly. It was soft. Sad. A small piece of her still holding on long enough to show up and take my breath from me. She hated me. As much as she loved me and wanted me, she hated me nearly as much. The problem was that she was living both sides of it at the same damn time, serving only to make her look fickle and indecisive.
“Yes,” I yelled, frustrated at myself for somehow fucking this up. “Yes I left. I’m fucking sorry. I have a lot of baggage that I carry around with me. Old, torn and tired baggage that I don’t want you to have to handle. I thought I was doing the best for you. I’m sorry.”
“You have mommy issues,” she snapped, using a hateful phrase to describe the truth I’d shared with her only weeks before. I’d wanted her to understand me and the choices I made — not use them to hurt me further. “So does half the fucking world Spencer. Man the fuck up.”
Standing, she shook her head and walked back towards the fridge. It’d been what, five minutes tops? She was already grabbing another beer.
“I’m not sure you need that,” I commented, worried about the possibility of dehydration if she was sick. “I mean given that you aren’t feeling well.”
“Please daddy? Can I have just one more beer?” it was intended as condescending sarcasm. She’d poked her bottom lip out and given me a sad, pleading face. It was meant to hurt or anger me. It didn’t. Instead, I felt something stir inside me. Was her bitchy side really turning me on? What the fuck was that? “I promise I’ll be good.”
“Can we do without the smart ass comments please?” I asked, hoping to calm the storm that was raging inside of me.
At that point I’d forgotten all about her being sick. All I could concentrate on was my deep need for her. My cock was rock hard and throbbing. Something about seeing her that way had turned up the heat inside of me. The apartment may not be nearly as bad as she was making it, but my body damn sure was rivaling hers in temperatures. Heart racing, I tried to breathe deeply before I reacted on impulse. I wasn’t quite sure how she’d take me coming at her while she was so pissed off. I also wasn’t positive that being turned on by something like that was normal.
“I’m sorry,” she poked her lip back out. “Was I being bad?”sitting her beer on the table, she proceeded to walk back without it. “I’ll try and be good from now on. I promise.” She wasn’t going to relent on the condescending garbage.
Grabbing her wrist as she walked past me, I pulled her in my direction. It was hard to tell if the gasp she emitted was surprise or annoyance, but I didn’t much care. I wasn’t wasting time and words at that moment. Not stopping as she tried to pull her wrist free, I yanked once more until she stumbled and fell towards me, barely catching herself before she landed head first on my lap.
“What do you think you are….”
I didn’t allow her to finish. Opening the hand that held her right wrist, I added the left to it and pulled her closer to me. Using my empty hand, I reached behind her head— grabbing a fist full of hair and pulling gently. Unless I was mistaken, a soft moan passed through her lips as her eyes closed. Using only her hair, I pushed her head towards mine — lips only inches from connecting.
She was eager and willing — a fact that only somewhat surprised me given her constant changing of emotions. She wanted me as badly as I wanted her in that moment.
I heard another soft moan as my lips inched closer to hers and my grip tightened in her hair — strands wrapped around fingers to give me an advantage. Rather than claim her mouth the way I longed to do, I slowly let my lips brush across hers, listening as her breathing quickened.
Teasing her, I trailed her bottom lip with the tip of my tongue —taking in the taste of her beer, blended with her toothpaste. My cock throbbed against the fabric of my shorts as I brushed my tongue against her top lip, just barely grazing the outer edges.
“Spence,” she whispered quietly. Her own ache had grown and she now wanted me as badly as I’d wanted her.
Barely making contact, I brushed my lips against hers before I released her wrists and her hair. Leaning back against the couch, I made it clear that I was done and nothing further would take place.
Avery stood there, hovering over me, breathless and confused. She watched without words as I stood up and double checked my pockets to make sure I had everything. Her eyes never left me as she remained in the spot where I’d let her out of my grasp.
“Where— I mean are you — “ she was stuttering and stumbling to find the words she wanted to ask, her flushed face suddenly reminding me that something was wrong.
“Leaving? Yes,” nonchalantly I smiled at her. “I have to be at work in the morning.”
“But you— we were— I thought that —” she couldn’t say it. The sentence was just too hard. “I mean, I just…”
“Oh, the kiss?” I waved my hand when she nodded, blowing off her sentiment as if it hadn’t really mattered. The crushing ache I kept hidden said otherwise.. “I was just creating another fantasy.” I laughed at my own comment, mocking the very same words she’d said to me only minutes before. “Like the rest, it didn’t last.” Shrugging I turned once more, planning to get out before I lost the courage to do anything but give in to the desire I felt.
“You are a god damned asshole!” she screamed, finally able to find her voice and her words. “Why do you have to play games all the time?”
“I’m not playing games Ave,” I pretended to be hurt by the words. “But I bet you will be a little more careful about how you use that smart ass little mouth of yours next time, won’t you?”
“What the hell happened to you?” her smirk told me it was just another insult waiting to be slung. “You aren’t the guy I fell in love with.” Her voice trailed off. “You’ve changed.”
“You’re right Avery,” agreeing I turned to walk towards the door. “I did.”
“Why?” the question was as sincere as the pain and frustration in her emerald colored eyes. I felt bad leaving her in that condition.
“Simple really,” opening the door, I turned towards her. Ignoring the anguish that she clearly felt was difficult, but I had to. “It was time to man the fuck up Avery.” Using her own insult to answer her question, I finished the conversation.
With those words, I turned and walked through the door, shutting it behind myself. I had to get the hell out of that building before I went back and gave her whatever she wanted from me. That would come — and soon — but it wouldn’t be tonight.
~Avery~
“You have two choices babe,” Standing against the kitchen counter, Luke’s mouth turned up into a playful grin. “You can get your shit together long enough to be left alone for a few hours, or you can start putting out.”
A loud and boisterous laugh followed the comment that he was clearly playing off as a joke. I knew better. He was only half teasing as he said that and we both knew it. Luke had two modes — get what I want and move on. There wasn’t room in his life for the chick that rejected him sexually to need him emotionally — a fact that would cause me tremendous problems soon.
