by NJ Flatman
“Maybe you can get off the shit and not scare me like this,” he’d said, proud of his logic and hopeful for a permanent solution.
But much like Spencer, Luke had been unable to listen to me beg and not fix it. He would always make sure that I was okay. So within an hour I was lying there as Luke gave me a shot with regret in his eyes. Part of me felt guilty, but as I felt the euphoria kick in and the pain and nausea pass— I got over it.
“Looks like you are thinking pretty hard about something,” Luke’s voice brought me back to the current moment. “What’s on your mind babe?”
“Let’s get out of here,” cabin fever was setting in. Since that day I’d been stuck sitting at home and getting better and I was ready to leave. “I need out.” Of course it also helped to avoid the conversation I didn’t want to have.
“You need to rest,” Luke started, immediately trying to change my mind.
“I need a life,” I reminded him. “Sitting in this apartment thinking about all the things I want to stop thinking about is the reason you think I have a problem with drugs. Maybe if I get out and have a life, I’ll have less need to numb myself.”
His head turned to the side, only slightly stabbing at my gut. He was thinking about what I’d said. It made sense. Even Luke had to admit that.
“Okay then,” A wickedly evil grin spread across his face. “Then let’s go get you a life.”
~Spencer~
“Whatever helps you sleep at night bro,” Kevin laughed on his way to the living room. “But if ya decide ya don’t wanna sleep at night, I got ya back.” Quickly he winked to clarify the statement in case I”d missed it.
I’d have to be dead to miss it. Anyone that knew Kevin knew what was most important to him. Wasn’t exactly rocket science. All of this time, money and attention went into one thing. Stood to reason that’d be the thing he was moving the conversation to. Hell, most days it didn’t take more than a quick look at any surface of the apartment. He had that shit everywhere.
At first, the drugs had been more than I could handle. I mean I’d lost a lot to them once and juggling my current situation was already a battle. I didn’t like the temptation. Then there was the fact that Kev was either way too happy, way too pissed off or asleep. Sadly the asleep wasn’t often. Every day that I watched him I wondered how he could be so dumb. Throwing his life away on drugs. Most of us do it¸ fuck up, learn. Not Kevin. He did it, fucked up, did it again, fucked up again. A vicious cycle.
Eventually I’d learned to tolerate the drugs and my brother when he was on them. Wasn’t like I was going to change his mind or make him have a different priority. That wasn’t our main problem anymore. It was his attitude. The way he talked about Avery and the things he’d say. They pissed me off and I didn’t like having to deal with it. Partly out of fear that what he said was true.
From the moment he’d found out about Luke or the way Avery had changed, Kevin was insistent on reminding me that she didn’t want me. He’d use every opportunity he had to point out that she spent all of her time with the good ole’ boy from the south and very limited time with me. His comments and questions had gone beyond rude to downright shitty. But today, he was going above and beyond his normal asshole vibe. It was ridiculous.
“What’d you think Spence? That if he’d leave for a night the two of you would magically be back to where you were?” he laughed again, picking up a controller and turning on his gaming system. “Wanna play?”
“Why’s it so important for you that she be lying? What about her do you hate so damn much?”
“Hate?” Kevin set the controller on the coffee table and looked at me. “You think I hate her?”
“Well you sure as hell don’t seem to like her,” the conclusion was the obvious one.
“Why? Because I think she’s diggin’ the beach bum?”
“Well, yes,” I made my way to the recliner in the small living room. “Because you think she’s stringing me along.”
“No I don’t¸” he laughed, apparently not realizing I was missing the joke. “I think you’re stringin’ yourself along bro.”
“What the fuck does that even mean?” popping the top of my beer can filled the silence while I waited for an answer.
“That girl has made it clear. She’s not tellin’ ya one thing and showin’ ya another,” shaking his head, Kevin grabbed his own beer and took a drink. “She didn’t come home. When ya found her she’s shacked up with Mr. Millionaire. Even comin’ home meant bringin’ him with her.”
“They are friends,” I wasn’t sure which one of us I was trying to convince— me or him. “She needed a friend.”
“Who just happens to be practically livin’ with her and is payin’ her bills,” another shake of the head. “Unless ya forgot to tell me Miss Avery got a new job?”
“So what? She has a friend willing to help her,” I shrugged. “Why does that mean anything?”
Kevin was intelligent. Even I admitted that. But smarts only went so far. You can’t predict what you don’t know. No matter how intellectual you are, it just won’t happen.
He only knew so much of the situation. The parts that I wanted to tell. A person can only guess so much if they are missing vital details. He knew nothing of our experience a few days back. He had no clue about her being so close or how her heart raced. He wasn’t aware of the way she’d looked at me, moaned and whispered my name.
Without the info about how badly she still wanted me, he’d naturally jump to the conclusion that she didn’t. Biting my tongue, I refused to tell him. Not only was it personal¸ but sharing it meant that it could later be used against me— something Kevin was damn good at lately. So I’d just let him think whatever he wanted, even if it was wrong.
“Because he’s practically a stranger and she’s with him more than she’s with you? Because the other day was the first time you’ve seen her alone since you left her. Because who in the hell brings a beach fling home and lets them pay their bills if there isn’t anything going on?”
As usual, he hit below the belt. Kev had a knack for getting right to the nitty gritty and socking you where it hurt the most. Everything he’d said had already passed through my mind several times. Each potential sign that she didn’t love me hovered in the back of my head just waiting on a chance to pounce and destroy me. He wasn’t giving me anything I hadn’t already considered hundreds of times.
But he hadn’t been there. He didn’t know. That moment between us was more than even I could fully comprehend. As I’d pulled her closer and felt the heat emanating from her body — heard her breath catch — time had frozen. As she was pulled closer to me, no words were spoken and none were needed. Briefly the world was only about the two of us. She reacted to me. That was desire. Pure and simple.
“Someone that feels alone and helpless probably,” I answered.
“Look man,” the serious expression was out of place on his face. “I’m just sayin’. It looks a hella lot like she’s tryin’ to move on. I don’t dislike her. I wonder what the fuck took her so long. You are the dumb fucking ass that kept leavin’ her. No one waits forever bro.”
Nails dug into the flesh of my palms as I tried to keep my fists from swinging at him. I knew damn well how it looked to anyone else. Hell, I knew how it sometimes looked to me. That didn’t mean he had to keep saying it. What happened to brotherly love? Supporting someone you care about.
“Are you just trying to piss me off?” Anger flushed my face as I tried to battle the urges taking over my body. “I don’t really wanna fight ya Kev,” my jaw tightening, veins in my forehead pulsated as I spoke through clenched teeth. “But I will.”
“Take that bullshit somewhere else,” he waved his hand as if he could just dismiss me. “I just call em like I see em and ya don’t like it.”
Closing my eyes, I mentally reminded myself why fighting with him was a bad idea. He was on drugs. He didn’t know what he was talking about. He wasn’t totally wrong given what he knew. I didn’t w
ant either of us to go to jail. I didn’t want either of us to get hurt.
For such a smart man sometimes my brother was an idiot. College or not, he lacked the basic common sense every man should have. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, hanging on by a small thread of hope. Trying to cut that thread on me was not a very good idea. It wasn’t always easy to convince myself not to react.
Overall I’m not a person with a violent nature. More times than not I’ll walk away from a situation that could get ugly. Fighting just wasn’t my thing. Seemed it often led to more problems than people started with.
That didn’t mean that there weren’t times. People would push and situations would escalate and the only reaction my mind could think of was fight. This was one of those times. No matter how many times I tried to calm myself, it just wasn’t working.
So what if he didn’t know the whole story? Did he have to see her look at me with longing to believe that I could know her soul the way he knew how to line the powder? Was it necessary to watch the two of us together to believe that we could possibly belong that way?
I’d give it another five years and he’d be her. Our mother. Bitter and resentful to the point he’d ruin other people’s lives to make his less barren. The only difference in the two of them was that he refused to settle down and wasn’t abusive. At least not physically.
“Spence, I…”
“Just don’t,” interrupting him, I tried to stop before it escalated further. “I don’t wanna hear the million reasons why it’s okay to try and destroy the people around you. I’ve heard that enough in my life. You’re unhappy. I get it. Your lot in life wasn’t very fair. It’s not easy when you know you’ll never have what you want the most,” I continued before he had a chance to speak. “It’s okay to be unhappy man. It’s okay to be angry about it. But I didn’t do it. I didn’t have a say so in how things turned out for you. We both know that. So it’s not fair for you to take that out on me. It’s not okay to make me feel bad because you do— to hurt me because you are hurting. Don’t try to take what little I have to hold on to away from me. Don’t try to destroy me because you feel destroyed. ”
“You’re destroying yaself bro,” he shook his head. “Love ain’t supposed to hurt ya man.”
“What in God’s name do you know about love?” I couldn’t help but laugh as the question popped out. How could the man who’d avoided any kind of commitment his entire life possibly wrap his head around the concept of love, let alone soul mates? “Unless you’re referring to that shit,” pointing at the table with disgust, I continued, “you haven’t had feelings for it.”
“I’m not a fuckin’ robot Spence,” his eyes faced the floor and for the first time I saw a flash of pain on his face. “After all we been through together and that’s the opinion you have of me?”
The intention had never been to hurt him. Hell, I didn’t think he could be hurt if I were honest with myself. All I’d done was speak the truth. I couldn’t in good conscious look back on his life and remember Kevin loving anyone seriously. What I had with Avery he’d never understand. Not even if he had a front row seat to watch us.
“Come on Kev,” he didn’t bother to raise his eyes and look at me. “When has anyone else ever come before you?”
A deep shade of red crept across his face, though he still wouldn’t look away from the floor. Slowly his jaw clenched and tightened and his eyes clouded over. For the first time in as long as I can remember, he was pissed.
“I don’t normally let people beat on me for shits and giggles,” he hissed the words. “But I sure as hell spent a lotta time gettin’ beat didn’t I?”
He couldn’t have hurt me worse if he’d punched me dead in the face. Throwing up our childhood and all of the shit that took place was a lower blow than I’d ever seen — even from him. Wasn’t like I didn’t know that he’d protected me all those years ago. Hell, it was one of the reasons I put up with his shit like I did. We were bonded for life over disaster.
That didn’t mean it was okay to use it to prove himself right.
“I didn’t ask you to do that shit Kev,” I reminded him. “You made that call. Don’t throw it in my face now.”
“So I protected ya and took ma’s anger for ya without bein’ asked?” he stood, anger still evident, and walked towards the table. Fuck, I’d been hoping he’d take it easy for a day or two and let the edge wear off. “But I dunno what love is, right?”
“I’m not talking about a brother sticking up for a brother,” Watching him scrape that shit into lines, I tried to find what I wanted to say. “I mean I am grateful, but I meant real love. Uncontrollable. Unselfish. Unbridled kind of love. The shit they write movies, songs and books about. Soul mates.”
“Unselfish? Ya wanna try to find another word?”finally, he laughed. The fact it was at my expense didn’t matter in the moment. “Nothing about either of you is unselfish. Actually ya both are two of the most selfish people I’ve ever known”
“Selfish? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe lay off the powder a bit! I’d do anything for Avery. Any fucking thing she asked or wanted. I sit there with her and that freak show with money because it’s important to her. I don’t pressure her for answers because she asked me not to. How the hell is loving someone more than you will ever love yourself selfish?”
Yes, I was defensive. I had a right to be. Nothing about the way I felt for Avery was selfish. Nothing about her love for me was selfish.
“Ya really wanna go there tonight? Ya really want me to answer that after ya threatened to fuckin’ fight me?”
“I won’t fight you,” I promised, only hoping I could keep it. “I wanna hear it. So tell me,” Making my way to the table, I sat down across from him. “How am I selfish? How is she?”
“Ya can’t stay with her. Ya say its for her sake but it’s not. It’s nothin’ but being afraid. Fear that she’ll leave ya like the others. Fear that ya won’t be good enough somehow. So ya leave. Knowin’ damn well it breaks her fuckin’ heart every single time, ya still leave.” Pausing long enough to bend over and snort a line, Kevin gave me a moment too long to think. At that point I just wanted him to shut up. I wouldn’t be that lucky.
“The worst part is ya can’t damn do it. Ya can’t walk away. So your selfish ass goes right back and makes her promises ya can’t keep. Over and over again. Because ya can’t be without her so ya’d rather hurt her than figure it the fuck out. And that garbage about sittin’ with him. I call bullshit. Ya do it for selfish reasons. Ya want her. If ya could ya would sit with them both all day every day so ya knew he didn’t have her. Ya fuck with her heart. Ya fuck with her mind. Never once do ya think hey maybe I should stop this. Either be with her for good or let the poor girl go. Why the fuck ya think I didn’t beg Kate? I knew what the hell I was doin’ to her. Lettin’ her take that baby and go was the best thing I could have ever done for her. It was also the most selfless thing I’ve ever even tried.”
His words hit me harder than any punch, knocking the wind out of me. Nothing he’d said was nice. Nothing he’d said was a lie.
“Ya okay?” his voice softened, likely because he saw the look on my face. If there’d been any part of me left unbroken, Kevin had just slammed it into the floor. Jesus.
“How is she selfish?” Answering him wasn’t an option. Tears were pressing against the backs of my eyelids and I refused to fall apart in front of my brother. “What’d she do wrong?”
“Ya think she takes ya back for you? She does it cause she doesn’t wanna live without ya. She likes the god damn roller coaster ya put her on as much as you do. Then she disappears, shacks up with some loser with nothin’ to offer but a bank account. She completely does away with her best friend even though she’s fuckin treated her like shit too. Knowin’ its gonna tear ya apart she brings that thing home with her and then tortures ya by lettin’ ya stick around to watch the two of em together. Shall I go on?”
