by NJ Flatman
Shaking my head I tried to catch my breath. Kevin was very observant for someone that typically showed no concern over what was going on around him.
“Wanna join me?” he asked, nodding towards the table top.
“I’m good,” I lied, shaking my head no.
Truth was, in that moment I wanted nothing more than to join him. A few bumps and I’d forget how I felt. There’d be no pain. No heart break. No realization that I’d been living a lie. I said that I loved Avery more than anything, but my actions showed that I didn’t much at all. He was right. I was selfish. Everything I’d done to that point was for me.
“Listen Spence…”
“Don’t,” pleading wasn’t my thing but I damn well knew I couldn’t handle anymore. “You’re right. Everything you said is right.”
“So what ya gonna do about it?” waiting for an answer, Kevin began to push the powder around on the wood surface. Was he really gonna do another bump? His problem was getting worse than I thought.
How did someone answer a question like that? What was I gonna do about it? Did I have a choice?
I had to abide by Avery’s rules if I wanted to be around her. And I desperately wanted to be around her. That’s why I hadn’t pushed things with her. I didn’t want her to tell me to go. Like Kevin had said— selfish.
“What am I supposed to do Kev?”
“Jesus man,” he shook his head. “You look terrified. It’s not that complicated.”
“Of course it is. I live by her rules or she leaves. Her rules aren’t fair. What the fuck is a man supposed to do?”
“What do you want Spencer? What exactly do you want?”
“Avery,” the answer seemed simple to me. “I want Avery.”
“Then get her,” he laughed. “It’s not that hard. Look at you.”
“It’s harder than you think,” I admitted. “She doesn’t want to give an inch.”
“Then fuckin’ take it,” the reply was innocent. Possibly even a joke. It just so happened I’d heard something similar a few weeks back. Take it. Grow a pair. Man up.
Maybe Colby had been right all along. What if all I had to do was go to Avery and take what I wanted from her? It was possible that it could be that simple, but not likely. Still I had to try.
“Where ya goin’?” Kev was surprised when I stood and pulled my keys out of my pocket.
“Going to get what I want,”He returned the smile I had on my face.
“Don’t ya think it’s a little late to be showin’ up at her place?” my gaze followed his to the clock over the sink. “I mean, how far ya think ya gonna get?”
“I’m not waiting any more. She’s mine and it’s about time she remembered that. I’m gonna get Avery if it kills me. Because not having her damn sure will.”
“Be careful Spence,” he commented as I walked towards the door. “She may not wanna be the prize you are tryin’ to win.”
“I’ve gotta try Kev,” tears threatened to fall once more. “I’ve gotta go out trying.”
Just as I turned the knob to open the door I heard Kev’s voice mumbling something.
“What?” I asked, hoping he’d hurry and let me leave before I had a breakdown.
“I said I loved her,” he added, clearly forcing himself to say it out loud. “I really fuckin’ loved her.”
“I know,” Kate would always haunt him, no matter how much he pretended it didn’t matter.
“Who’d have thought I was the one that loved someone enough to let them go. She didn’t deserve this. The kid didn’t deserve it. They deserved better than me. Better than what I’d ever give em. So I let her go.” He paused, trying to find the words to say whatever else he had to toss at me. “ If ya aren’t gonna love her Spence, let her go. She deserves someone who will. She deserves better.”
Without even a response, I shut the door and walked towards the stairs.
~Avery~
Colored lights flashed around me — music pumping from the speakers and deep into my core. Clubs had never really been my scene before, but the new Avery loved it. Made me wonder why I’d always avoided them and spent time sitting around wasting my life.
Serendipity was one of the biggest spots to go for a good time. At least that’d been Colby’s perception. Probably because it was a smorgasbord of unattached men. I’d never paid much attention in the few times I’d been with her. I didn’t care for clubs or bars and so I’d mostly just sat in a corner and ignored it all as I sipped on beer.
One night Luke and I had made our way to the club and my feelings about it had changed almost as much as I had. There was no corner and no beer. I’d been in the center of the excitement enjoying a variety of mixed drinks and shots — among other things. From that day on, Luke and I preferred Serendipity over any of the other choices.
Set in a large building on the fringes of the city, the club was filled damn near to capacity with an assortment of people. But it wasn’t the music— a blend of top current hits and older styles — that attracted people the most. It wasn’t even the modern decor and eclectic list of drink choices. It was the atmosphere.
I’d always seen bars and clubs as a more of a meat market. Go out, have a few drinks and give yourself a good excuse for making bad choices and sleeping with someone you didn’t know. Colby was a damn good example of what the bars were there for. Nobody really looked down on you for it. After all, it was what everyone did. Well, everyone except me.
I could see the same happening inside these walls, but that wasn’t what had drawn me in. I belonged here. It was one of the few places that were left that I felt like I truly fit in. The world seemed a little less lonely when I was in this club, as odd as that might sound to someone else. Especially anyone that’d known me before.
So far I’d managed to enjoy the club without running into the super bitch herself. Not sure if she’d moved on to other venues or I’d just had good fortune on my side. It didn’t matter. I was just damn grateful for it.
“If I leave you alone are you gonna be comatose when I get back?” Luke smirked at the reminder of the previous week when he’d found me damn near catatonic on the couch.
“I think I’ll be okay,” the eye roll was added to emphasize my overall displeasure at his question. “It’s not as hot in here,” I added just to irritate him.
Luke couldn’t stand that I wouldn’t admit that it was the drugs or face that I might have a problem. I couldn’t stand that he insisted that someone like me could ever be addicted to the point of it being an issue. It wasn’t in my nature. Hell, I had plans to stop completely as soon as I got my head cleared up a bit. But, I didn’t have to. Nothing wrong with a little fun now and then as long as you kept control of it. And I was nothing if not in control.
“Right,” blowing me off, Luke turned and looked at the dance floor. “Well if you are okay, I see someone that isn’t. She’s far too cute to be embarrassing herself with that dancing. I think I should go help her out.”
“ Go be the hero that you are,” sarcasm laden words, tossed at him with love. “I’ll find something to occupy myself.”
“Don’t occupy yourself too much babe,” he laughed. “I am not in the mood for the ER.”
I watched as he walked off, his gait as cocky as his attitude. Luke wasn’t the kind of man that I would have ever thought I’d befriend. Arrogant guys that came across as assholes weren’t typically my thing. I liked confidence, but ego was a bit much. He’d just happened to step into my life at a time when I needed someone, and he’d become that someone.
As much as I needed him to be there, he annoyed me almost as much. Many times I had to admit I wondered how he managed to pick up so many women. He could pretty much have any woman he wanted. Beautiful women. Smart women. Good women. One of them that I’d met in SC was so nice and kind hearted I asked myself, and him, several times why the hell she’d date him.
Not that he couldn’t be charming and a hell of a lot of fun at times. He wasn’t even ugly. Not my persona
l type, but he was attractive in his own way. It wasn’t any of that. I just wondered why women would be willing to be treated like a trophy. Grabbed, shown off and then put aside while he tried to win the next game.
Luke wasn’t the kind of man that ever considered really settling. At least not from what I could see. He preferred changing partners often and keeping things new and exciting. That’d been his answer when I asked why he didn’t find him a woman and get serious.
I couldn’t do it. Even with the bank account. I needed more than to be someone else’s fun and excitement for a few days. I had to have the whole package. That didn’t mean I’d never dated anyone for a short period. I had. It just meant that I wasn’t going to hop into bed with a guy unless I had the commitment to go along with it.
Commitment like Spencer gave so willingly?
The bitch in my head was going to be the death of me— always reminding me of the things I didn’t want to think about. I was out and trying to have a good time. The last thing I needed was negative thoughts. Unfortunately, once they started there was only one way to stop them.
Lucky for me, I was at Serendipity. Finding someone willing to share a hit was never easier than it was in this club. While I didn’t have exact numbers, I’d bet three quarters of the patrons in the place were high on something. I just had to find one that had the right shit.
I scanned the dance floor, pausing only for a moment to watch Luke approach the woman he’d spotted earlier. He wasn’t lying — her dancing was horrendous. Arms flailing in the air and hips moving completely out of sync with the music, she looked like one of those girls that had never done anything beyond the macarena. It could also be that she was completely white girl wasted as Luke called it. Nearly falling over as he wrapped his arms around her, she giggled and covered her face as her mouth formed the words I’d heard more than once at a bar. “I’m so drunk”. Shaking my head, I turned my gaze from the two of them to the rest of the crowd.
Serendipity’s smorgasbord extended far beyond unattached guys. It was the melting pot of the extracurricular fun world. In other words, there probably wasn’t a drug in the city that wasn’t represented and available somewhere inside the building. Most knew it, few discussed it. You just had to be careful. Not everyone was honest in what they were using or sharing. Not everyone could be trusted.
Different things had different reactions. Though I’d learned a lot about a variety of them through Luke and some of the people I’d chilled with at the club, I’d only really tried dope. Someone asked me once why that was my preference and I didn’t have a good answer. It’s all I’d known. I liked the numbness of it. I liked the moment of euphoria. I liked that I didn’t want to sit and think about everything. It worked for me.
Everybody had their preferences. There were the stoners that stuck to just weed and wouldn’t even venture into sampling other shit. There were those that wanted to roll for a while — making the most of the lights and music. A lot of people liked the uppers. The excitement and energy appealed to them more than anything.
Those of us into dope were minor in numbers, but we all had the same basic reason. It dulled the feelings we didn’t want to have. Those were the ones I was searching for. I could have just skipped the effort and went to Luke, but I wasn’t in the mood for his daddy lecture. I didn’t want to debate my alleged drug addiction in the middle of my night out. So instead, I scanned the edges of the bar to try and locate what I was looking for without his help.
It didn’t take me long to find a small group of people about my age. There were five of them in total — two guys and three girls. One thing you learned after doing dope for a bit was how to spot others that shared your particular taste. They weren’t generally the ones hyped up and in the center of the party. Instead they’d line around the fringes, enjoying the atmosphere in a more subdued way. There was a look about them. Relaxed. Calm. Happy. It also helped if you caught them scratching or picking at their skin. One of the nastier effects of the drugs on most of us.
As I made my way to the corner where they were all sitting, I was amazed at how different I’d become. The day when I’d have never approached strangers seemed so far gone that I could barely remember what that anxiety and fear had felt like. Now it was nothing to walk up and talk to people that I’d never met and would likely never see again. Part of that was Luke. He’d brought that side of me out somewhere along the way.
“Mind if I sit?” the question was rhetorical as I grabbed a chair and plopped down. “Not a big fan of hangin’ alone.”
He nodded his head slightly, not even bothering to glance in my direction. It didn’t stop me from giving him the once over. Red hair, freckles and a light complexion didn’t help detract from his baby face — giving him the appearance of barely old enough to even be in the club. His age didn’t matter at all to me. I wasn’t looking for a hookup of that variety. Still, I needed him to show some interest in me if I was going to get what I was looking for.
“Come here a lot?” the question was about as cliche as they could get, but something told me it wouldn’t really matter.
“First time really,” he mumbled, barely to be heard over the music. “Heard it was chill so came to check it out.”
“Like it?”
“It’s aight,” his formation of the word was common among guys about his age, which I was guessing was very early twenties.
“Avery,” I held a hand out as if I was going to shake his, but he didn’t take it.
“Colt,” he nodded again in my direction, still keeping his eyes straight.
Colt’s quiet demeanor could have easily been mistaken for lack of interest in the conversation, but I knew better. One of the negatives that came with the dope, it was something I was used to. Being high also meant keeping chatter to a minimum. Judging from the relaxed pose, nodding and scratching— Colt was definitely high.
“Wouldn’t have pegged you for smack, ” the surprise must have shown on my face because Colt quickly nodded towards my arm. It was only then that I even realized I’d been absently picking at a scab. “Prolly would’ve guessed ice…maybe even coke.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” my answer affirmed his guess without really explaining much. “Yours say you aren’t old enough for a bar.”
“Nice,” color crept into his cheeks as the reference to his age made him blush. “So what you lookin’ for?”
Hope flashed through his eyes as he looked at me. Damn. Why did guys always think the only way to succeed was to get the girl? Why couldn’t befriending the girl be good enough?
“Not that,” rolling my eyes I stood. “But it’s all good.”
“Hey,” his small hand grabbed my wrist. “Friends are cool. You don’t hafta go anywhere.”
Exasperated, I stood silently and watched him for a moment. Whatever hope I’d just seen seemed to have vanished almost as quickly. Colt was content with whatever I chose to do. Given that he was currently pulling out a baggie, the answer to that was simple.
“So let’s try this again,” I pulled the chair back and sat down once again. “I’m Avery,” sticking my hand out, I waited as he reached and took it in his.
“Colt,” he smiled. “Wanna have a little fun?” Waving the baggie towards me, the smile crept across his face where the color had been only moments before.
“What kind of girl can refuse an offer like that?”
~Spencer~
It was half past three and she still wasn’t home. This was the fourth time in a little over a week I’d been in this very spot. Since the night I’d walked out on Kev to go to Avery, I couldn’t seem to catch her at home. No matter what time of day or night I stopped by, she wasn’t here.
