by NJ Flatman
Where the hell would she have been? Avery was never a bar kind of person, but even if she had been they were long past closed. The thoughts that wandered through my mind scared me. Her with another man. Her with Luke. Her hurt and alone somewhere. Something about it reminded me a lot of when I’d went to South Carolina. God I hoped she wasn’t back in the same boat. Living with an asshole to mend her broken heart.
I’d gotten so worried about a quarter to three that I’d called Colby. She’d been more than happy to remind me that she didn’t hear from Avery anymore, that I’d woken her up and that she wasn’t alone. Go home and sleep Spencer, she’d told me. I couldn’t change it and waiting outside her apartment door was creeper level ten. Maybe it was, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to leave this time. I couldn’t.
Something told me that she’d show up eventually and I intended to be there when she did. I couldn’t keep stopping by. Mostly I couldn’t keep wondering why she wasn’t home. Now that I had the courage to do this I wasn’t going to give up so easily. No matter how long it took for her to get home, I would be there waiting.
At least that’s what I’d told myself until close to four in the morning. My body did not agree. It was tired and needed to do something besides pacing back and forth in the hallway. That was why I’d squatted against the door, leaning back and letting my eyes just barely close. I wasn’t leaving, but a small nap wouldn’t hurt.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Her voice brought me out of a dream that felt somehow blended with reality. For a moment I wasn’t entirely sure where I was or what I was doing there. “It’s a little late for a random visit, don’t you think Spencer?”
The first thing I noticed was that she was alone. There was no Luke and no other man tagging along at her side. This was a good thing. Actually, this was a great thing. It gave me a little hope for us.
That hope was crushed once my eyes wandered down her body. I had never seen Avery look so god damned sexy. A short skirt, low cut top and fully done makeup enhanced the beauty I had always known was there. What the hell was she wearing and why? Where had she been? Who had she been with?
I forced my eyes back up to hers. She was angry that I was there, but why? What was she trying to hide from me?
“I need to talk to you,” I answered, standing and waiting for her to open the door.
“I need a million fucking dollars and a maid,” her retort sounded so much like her former best friend I had to check and make sure I had went to the right place. “Shit happens.”
I didn’t give her a choice. As soon as she’d opened the door and before she could say otherwise, I walked inside the apartment that we’d spent so much time picking out together. Her home. Our home. What was once my home. Yet, I stood there feeling like a complete stranger.
“I’m here to get what’s mine,” I told her, not willing to discuss anything other than the topic of my visit.
“You could have done that in the morning Spencer,” she rolled her eyes and shut the door without forcing me to leave. “I’m tired.”
The fact she hadn’t asked me to leave or insisted I do so gave me some hope. Maybe she wanted me to be there as badly as I needed to be.
“Where have you been?” I didn’t mean to ask out loud. It was a question lingering in my mind, but I had no right to question her about anything.
“None of your damned business,” she snapped, grabbing a cold water out of the fridge and heading towards the shitty sofa we’d bought. “You gave up the right to care where the hell I go when you put me to bed and then left.”
“But I do care,” the words just kept coming, even as I knew they’d piss her off.
“Then it sucks to be you,” she shrugged. “Now get what you want and go. I want to sleep.”
Leaning her head back and closing her eyes, Avery looked as though she were in another world. One that had her relaxed in a way I’d never seen her. Something about her wasn’t right. It was off. Everything she did — the movements and body language— were familiar. Just not with her. I couldn’t place it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that I was noticing. That only made the panic worse. Was she so peaceful because she’d spent her night with a man? Was she in love? Was that what I was seeing?
“I want you,” the words came out strong and powerful, something I did not feel. “I came here to get you.”
“How cute,” she laughed. “You think you can just walk in here and tell me that and it will change everything?”
“You belong to me Avery,” announcing what I’d really decided, I watched her face turn dark red. “You always have and you always will. I came to get what is mine.”
“I belong to no god damned body. You don’t have that right and you definitely don’t have that power over me anymore.”
“I didn’t ask,” my comments were getting more possessive— angrier. She was not loving it the way everyone seemed to think she would be. “Were you with him? Is that why you look like that?” My hand waved up and down her limp body. I couldn’t help it, I had to know.
“It’s none of your business where I was or who I was with Spencer,” she tried to remain calm, but I could see the anger taking over her.
“It is my business!” I yelled at her. “You belong to me, not him!”
That was all it took. Avery lost her friendly composure and she stood up, facing me and vocalizing everything on her mind. She was yelling. Acting like she didn't give a damn. Saying things I'd never have believed would come from her perfect little mouth. Words I'd expect her to blush while speaking.
Watching her, something inside of me changed. It was like a button clicked and the world became a different place.
I wanted her. Fiercely. Madly. Passionately.
As she stood in the middle of the room- looking and acting nothing like the girl that'd stolen my heart- only desire consumed my mind.
She was angry. The words she tossed were vile and vindictive. But fuck, I wanted her like I never had before.
Those words were lost on me, because all I could see was how sexy her lips looked with the red gloss she'd chosen to spread across them.
My imagination went wild.
Did that short black skirt she was wearing cling as tightly to her ass as it did to her hips? Was she wearing a bra that was half as sexy and seductive as the deep red, low-cut top that was barely covering it?
"Shut the fuck up," the words surprised even me as they slipped from my mouth.
Her eyes darted towards mine, glaring behind the smoky shadow and eyeliner that hid them.
"Excuse me?" her tone let me know that she didn't appreciate what I'd just said.
I didn't care. Something else had taken over. A need so deep and so primal that nothing else mattered.
I wanted her. I needed her. I was going to have her.
Two quick strides covered the short distance between us. There was no thinking- no talking. I knew what I wanted.
Obsessed and thinking of nothing but my own ache, I pushed her backwards into the wall. A small gasp of air was all I heard as I took hold of her wrists and pressed them above her head.
Wedging my left leg in between her thighs, I forced our bodies together. The flush of her cheeks-- longing in her own eyes-- left me unable to catch my breath.
"I said," a husky growl replaced the normal sound of my voice as I moved my mouth closer to hers. "shut the fuck up."
“And if I don’t?” her words were barely a whisper. “What will you do?”
I could feel her heartbeat— racing only inches away from my own. Heat was rising between us— unseen flames stoked by passion. Every spot where our bodies met seared as my skin burned, longing only for more. She didn’t move. She didn’t touch me. She didn’t speak. Yet as her breath grazed my skin, leaving a trail of fire, I’d never been more aroused. I’d never wanted her more. It was damn near uncontrollable.
Our bodies were in tune, inhaling and exhaling as one. Each breath becoming more shallow and stagg
ered than the last. We stood frozen in time— moments that felt as though they’d just started and yet seemed to have lasted for eternity. Words weren’t necessary. More was being said between us in those minutes than we’d ever spoken aloud. We didn’t need to say anything.
It was one of those moments that didn’t really exist. A perfect scene from a perfect movie. One that couldn’t be duplicated or reenacted. Yet there we were. Frozen and holding on to each other— grasping for air as we suffocated from longing.
The connection between us — already undeniable— only deepened. As much as I wanted her, I didn’t want to break it. I couldn’t lose what we were sharing. She could feel it. I could see that in her eyes as I watched them. Electricity shot between us and we both knew that no matter what happened, we would never be the same after this.
Her face pleaded with me. Asking for something I’d only taunted her with previously. That was when I knew. There was no doubt left in my mind. Where she’d been and who she’d spent her evening with no longer mattered. In that moment, she was mine. That was all I needed to know.
“I guess I will have to shut you up,” I answered, letting the words touch her softly and watching as her body trembled beneath me.
“I’d like to see you try,” the words were clipped — forced— and barely audible. She was trying to maintain the facade of someone that didn’t want me, but her body was betraying her.
Using my free hand, I cupped her chin and pulled it closer to me. A small moan escaped her lips as I lowered mine to meet them. Nothing about the action was gentle or soft. The Spencer she’d known was gone. In his place stood the man I’d become. A man that knew what he wanted and had every intention of getting it.
Her lips were smooth and silky, tasting slightly of whatever fruity drink she’d enjoyed. She didn’t fight or try to push me off of her— instead sinking her body closer into mine as my tongue slipped into her mouth.
Kissing Avery had always been a special and sweet moment, something I’d done with care and caution. This kiss was none of that. It was possessive and powerful as I took her mouth with my own, exploring every inch as if it were my personal possession. The moans became more frequent and louder as she submitted to me, giving in to anything I wanted.
Releasing her chin, my free hand reached around and grabbed her ass— pushing her into me further. The gasp she uttered at the movement only urged me along as I pressed harder into her. Struggling to move her arms, the wiggling of her body against mine was antagonizing. I could have her. Right there, against the wall, I could have her. She was mine.
“Spencer,” the way she moaned my name confirmed just that.
Lost in the moment I allowed more than my desire to take over. Love crept in and a piece of the old Spencer showed up for the briefest moment.
“Tell me you will be mine forever,” I urged, breathless and almost begging.
Avery froze and not in the magical way of earlier. Our hearts no longer beat in unison. The heat between us faded as fast as it’d appeared. Pulling backwards, her body went limp beneath mine. Avery had checked out.
“What’s the matter?” I didn’t want to let her go. I didn’t want the moment we’d shared to end.
“I — I — I can’t Spencer,” she turned her face away from mine, no longer looking into my eyes.
Though I still held onto her — pressed into her— the attraction between us no longer existed. That brief moment of exhilaration had been replaced by the cold hard truth of reality. Only I wasn’t entirely sure what that reality was. Another man? Fear? Something was holding her back mentally even when she was all in physically.
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t be….I can’t be what you want,” she answered, pulling her wrists free and pushing me off of her.
Her body, still trembling, walked towards the sofa to reclaim her spot. She seemed shook up — lost somewhere inside of her mind. What was she thinking that she couldn’t say?
“All I want you to be is you,” I offered, sounding more like my old self than I’d been all day.
“I’m not me Spencer,” she looked up, anger flaring in her eyes. “I haven’t been me in a long time. The Avery you know — the Avery you love— is gone. She’s not coming back.”
“Then be the Avery you are now,” my voice was beginning to carry. Why couldn’t she see how much I loved her?
“That Avery isn’t yours Spencer,” she whispered, refusing to look at me again. “That Avery can never be yours again.”
“Don’t say that!” I yelled at her. “Don’t ever say that! You are Avery. I don’t give a god damn if you changed. I want you. I love you. All of you. Every version of you. And yes, you are mine!”
“You don’t get to decide that!” she snapped, looking into my eyes for the first time. “You spent all of that time making decisions on what would happen. You don’t get to choose this time!”
“Why not? Why can’t I decide I love you and that be enough?”
“It never has been enough Spencer!” Her anger almost scared me. “Not once has our love been enough for you. I gave you everything. You fucking left. Over and over.”
“I’m sorry,” she was right. Everything she said was right.
“That’s not enough anymore! You are always sorry. You are always fucking sorry.”
“What do you want me to say?” i could feel the tears building and threatening to fall. So much for being the man and taking what I wanted. “What do you want me to say Avery?”
Her laugh was the only answer I received. Though not heartfelt, it hit me the way it was intended to do— where it hurts. How could we be where we were only moments before and now she was laughing at my declarations of love?
“You think it’s funny?” the question popped out in a angrier tone than I’d intended. I was hurting, not mad.
“I think it’s funny that you ask when we both damn well know you can’t give it to me,” she shook her head and looked away. “You want me to come back to you. You want me to say I’m yours forever. You want me to make promises and commitments to you,” looking back towards me, her jaw hardened and clenched. “But you can’t do the same can you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Can you tell me that you won’t leave again?” she waited a second, hoping I’d answer. When I didn’t she continued. “Can you commit to me and promise to not break my heart? Can you tell me that the love you swear you have for me will finally be enough? That you will stay?”
I hadn’t been prepared for such direct questions. I knew what it was that worried her. I was aware of what I’d done to hurt her. I damn well knew what she needed from me. I just didn’t think she’d ask me point blank. She never had before. One thing I didn’t want was to lie to her.
“It’s complicated Ave,” I tried to explain.
“Of course it is,” again, she looked away from me. “So that’s a no?”
“It’s not a no!”
“So it’s a yes?”
“I left for you,” I tried to explain again. “I didn’t want you to…”
“Is that a yes or a no Spencer?”
“Yes or no what?”
“If I take you back…again…will you stay this time?”
Taking a deep breath I looked at her, wishing she’d turn her head so I could see into her eyes. Mostly so she could see into mine as I answered the single most important question she would ever ask. She didn’t. Facing to the side, she refused to look at me— speaking only to repeat the question.
