by Mj Fields
���Okay��� so why do I still miss him, both of them when I am sitting here with you? I mean you are absolutely amazing. I���m sorry��� God ��� I want to be honest with you Ben. I���m sorry.���
���Hey girl, are we married or are we having fun? I mean we aren���t exclusive right?���
���Well, what do you mean by you don���t share?���
���I don���t know how to explain it, Tess. We just aren���t there yet. If you want to date other people, we can do that I guess.���
���No!���
���Alright then. Our timing kind of sucks, it���s been hard for you, and I���m sorry, Tess I really am. Maybe I���m a dick for even trying this now. I don���t know,��� he said. ���I don’t normally sway from my rules,��� he laughed. ���But when you���re really ready I think we���ll both know.���
���This is just not fair, to you, to me,��� she started tearing up.
���Oh no, you don���t��� he bent down and lifted her shirt and looked up at her and smiled, her eyes widened, and he blew on her belly. ���No sad Tess��� she smiled at him, ���Much better.��� He hugged her.
���You are a true gift Ben.���
���Let���s eat; we have a very busy day ahead of us,��� Ben fed her and kissed her between bites.
When they finished, Ben helped her do the dishes, ���Let���s go see if the Dads are out there.���
* * *
They rode all afternoon, Tessa was always in the back, and Ben was in the front being a hot shot. He would turn around and do circles around her. They stopped for lunch at a diner in town. They talked like best friends and he focused completely on her and making her smile.
At around seven, they stopped at the farm and changed their socks and gloves. Tessa looked tired, ���You���re riding with me.���
���Whatever, maniac,��� Tessa laughed.
���What if I agree to slow it down?���
���Well, then I might consider it,��� Tessa smiled back.
���Okay then ��� let���s go,��� Ben said. ���You guys ready?���
They laughed, ���We���re done for the night.���
���You don���t mind if Tess and I go out do you?���
���No, just slow it down so she can keep up,��� John warned him.
���I will, she���s going to ride with me,��� John looked nervous, ���I promise she���ll be safe with me.���
���Tessa if he gets crazy, you drive.���
���I will Dad.���
He started out slow and frequently asked if she was ok. Each time she said yes he went a little faster. They pulled into the Spot, and he took her helmet off for her. Tessa looked at the clock it was nine o���clock, two hours since they stopped at her house and she couldn���t believe how quickly time was going. They walked in, and Tessa���s aunt brought out menus.
���You guys hungry?��� Josie asked.
���I���m fine,��� Tessa said.
���Yes we are, can we sit out by the band?���
Ben ordered Chicken and biscuits, they would share. The band sang country music, and he chuckled. ���You like this?���
���I do,��� she laughed.
���Alright then cowgirl,��� he grabbed her hand, ���let���s take these clothes off and dance.���
He unzipped her jacket and hung it on the back of her chair, he unzipped her bibs, and they got stuck. He laughed. He worked at it for a few minutes and finally got them. She took them off and hung them on the back. Ben already had his off. Note to self: buy new bibs.
They danced, he spun her around and dipped her and they laughed the whole time. A slow song was next, and Ben grinned and pulled her close. Ben kissed her. It���s your love by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw played, they sang to each other and giggled.
Dinner was at their table, and Ben pulled the chair out for her. He pulled his tightly against hers, and she watched him eat, he insisted she eat some. They talked and laughed and danced one more time.
���We ready to head back?��� Ben whispered.
She shook her head yes. She was putting her bibs on when she saw Lucas walk by, quickly look at her, and then look away. How could she have forgotten he was working tonight?
Ben looked at her face as he held her jacket up. ���What���s wrong, Tess?���
���I forgot it was Lucas���s night to work here, he must think I am such a bitch.���
���Well then he doesn���t know you as well as you think he does.���
He threw money and the bill on the bar, ���Let���s bounce girl.���
They walked outside; he put her helmet on and then his.
He started the sled and yelled ���Hang on tight.���
She held him tightly and he slowed down, she loosened her grip, and he went faster.
He came to a stop and lifted his shield. ���You alright?���
She shook her head yes.
���Catch on Tess, you loosen your grip and I���m going to fly, hang on tight and we���ll both feel much better,��� Ben winked at her, and she laughed.
They got home, and she went to the bathroom. She came out, and he was on the couch.
���Sit Tess. So you feel bad when you feel like you���ve disappointed someone right?��� she looked at him confused. ���Ok, I���ll slow it down, you felt guilty about having a good time tonight as soon as you saw him. That sucks Tess, is his happiness more important than yours and if so why do you think that little of yourself?���
���I don���t know how to answer that Ben.���
���Why is it your responsibility to make him ok? Do you think for the rest of your life you can be that person for him and still be you Tess? What happens when you get married and have kids, and you���ve got to take care of his needs instead of your own? Who is going to take care of you so that you can be the best you can for your kids? You don���t have to answer��� just think about it,���
He pulled her between his legs and hugged her. He gently pushed her forward and rubbed her back. She took a deep breath and relaxed. He finished rubbing every inch of her back, not missing a single spot and pulled her into him. She turned her head and looked up at him. She kissed him and turned around and sat on his lap. He opened his mouth to her, and they kissed softly, gently. He lightly rubbed her belly, and she put her hand on his chest and lowered it to his waist and rubbed her pinky just under his waistband. He breathed deeply and took her hands and put them above her head as he moved forward so that she lay on the couch hands high above her head. Ben took his other hand and lightly and slowly let his fingertips move across her breast, and they immediately responded. She gasped, his fingers floated lightly across her belly and then just under her waistband, her hips moved and he put his hand lower, and she moaned and her breath became deeper. He lifted her up, so she sat on his lap again; she moved her hips slowly into him. He went under her shirt again, and her breaths became shallow. Oh wow, she thought. He rubbed her back and her backside. She sat up and looked at him.
She kissed his neck and down to his chest and she started to unbutton him, and he pulled her up.
���Not yet, Tess.���
���I want to Ben, please?���
���I���m going to insist that happens after we, well you know,��� Ben smiled.
���Why?���
���As nice as that���s going to be, I want to wait till after, ok?��� Ben said. �
��How are you feeling?��� She blushed and put her head on his shoulder. ���That���s what I thought.���
In the morning, Tessa woke up, and Ben was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and listening to music. She went in the bathroom and brushed her teeth and washed her face. She ran up and grabbed him.
He laughed, ���Good morning, Tess.���
He turned around, and she kissed him, he grabbed the back of her head and kissed her back, he picked her up and sat her on the counter and lifted her shirt.
���Good morning girls,��� he whispered.
She laughed. They heard someone coming down the stairs. She jumped down off the counter and grabbed plates from the cupboard.
Alex walked in and said, ���Good morning.���
���Good morning,��� they said at the same time and laughed.
Alex shook his head and grabbed a cup out of the cupboard.
Their fathers came out, and they all sat and ate breakfast.
���We���re going to leave in about an hour Ben, okay?��� Frank asked his son.
Tessa looked at Ben as if she was in shock; he smiled at her.
���Sure thing Dad.���
They cleaned up the table, and she was quiet.
���I don���t think I want you to leave,��� she said quietly.
���I have to Tess,��� he laughed.
���Ok, but I just want you to know I don���t want you to,��� she looked down.
He grabbed her and hugged her, ���Good, I���ll see you on Saturday remember?���
���Okay and then when will I see you again?���
���I���m sure it won���t be long,��� he kissed her.
She helped him load the snowmobiles and watched him as he strapped them on his father���s trailer. He was so damn cute and funny and just ��� easy. It wasn���t work being with him, she wished she could keep him here with her forever because she knew when he was gone she would miss Lucas.
When Ben was done, he jumped down and grabbed her.
���Tessa Ross, I���m going to miss looking at you,��� his hand went down her back and settled on the small of her back.
Tessa wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him; he grabbed the back of her head and kissed her harder. He pulled his head away and kissed her nose.
���I���m going to miss that,��� she laughed.
Her father cleared his throat, and they looked. Their fathers were both standing there watching them and shaking their heads disapprovingly.
���Oh��� to be young again,��� Frank laughed.
She stood and watched him pull away and waved.
���Tessa, what���s going on with you and Ben?���
���I don���t know Daddy��� but I like him. I like him a lot,��� she smiled.
���I���m pretty sure he feels the same way, he���s a good kid Tessa, from a very good family,��� John said, ���Keep that in mind.���
CHAPTER SEVEN
Tessa was staying home from church today. She had a lot of homework and a week and four days until the play. She had a ton of laundry and cleaning to do since she blew off everything all weekend. She was busy getting everything done, and her phone chimed, it was him.
- Thanks for the show last night��� LL
- Lucas I���m sorry. I forgot you were working��� Tessa
- You sure about that? Kind of sucks Tessa��� I want to see you��� LL
- Is everything ok?... Tessa
- Nope��� LL
- Okay then come over everyone���s at church��� Tessa
Tessa jumped in the shower and got dressed, she brought out laundry and was folding it when he walked in.
���Come sit down,��� she moved the laundry to give him a spot on the couch.
���Tessa, do you like Ben?���
���Yes.���
���Do you love him?���
���I think maybe I could someday,��� she admitted.
Lucas sat back and shook his head, ���Not what I wanted to hear.���
���We said we were going to be friends Lucas.���
���And Friday night we showed each other differently,��� he looked at her with angry eyes.
Her eyes filled up, ���I don���t know what you expect from me Lucas? I don���t know anything anymore except it���s so hard with you. It hurts, ���she touched her heart. ���I don���t want it to hurt all the time.���
���I don���t want that for you either Tessa, I just don���t know what to do. I love you baby, and I don���t know what to do,��� he grabbed her and held her. Her body stiffened at his touch. ���Oh, I see,��� Lucas started to get up.
���No Lucas you don���t fucking see. You���re hurt because of what you are going through and while I feel awful about all of that, I���ve been trying to pick up the pieces of my life,��� she started to cry. ���I would love to think it would be any different a month from now, but it���s been almost seven months of hell Lucas. I am eighteen years old, and I���ve never been in a relationship. I���ve never wanted to be in one! And not because everyone thinks I���m a psycho bitch like you make me feel! I watch my family fall apart and you come here, and I act like someone I don���t even know. I don���t even recognize myself anymore. I���ve never known pain before like this, ever. And I don���t want to!���
Tears formed in his eyes as he listened to her, ���What have I done?���
���You fucking broke me ��� again!��� She screamed and started to walk away.
He grabbed her, ���Tessa stop please, I���m so sorry,���
He held her tightly against him.
���You know what Lucas; I believe you don���t want to hurt me. But what happens when the next Sadi pops up? Or you decide you���re bored of me? ���
���I don���t know what you want me to say Tessa, I didn���t ask for any of this shit to happen,��� Lucas yelled at her and tears sprung to his eyes.
���You couldn���t be honest with me when your mom relapsed, or when fucking Sadi blew you. Oh, but remember my stupid pathetic ass took you back even then. You dismissed me when I asked if you had gone to the doctor with her, and then you FUCKED her when you said you loved me! She gave you a BLOW job, you FUCKED her,��� Tessa began to sob. ���And I haven���t even begun to tell you how New Years felt to me, or the way you treated me when she lost the baby. I���ve been through hell, and you expect me to keep being this��� this��� no I���m sorry, I won���t do that to myself!���
���Fine, fine��� this is just fucking perfect isn���t it? I guess you really loved me huh?��� Lucas fought back tears as he grabbed his hair with both hands, ���Fuck it��� huh Tessa?���
Tessa looked up at him fighting her need to hug him and take back everything she knew to be true, ���Lucas, I���ll always love you. I���ll always wonder what could have been, but I need to take care of me. A week ago you were fine with that; you still have so much to deal with and so do I. We���re hurting each other. How could it possibly ever work when it���s been so hard?���
���Things in life that come easy Tessa mean nothing, believe me,��� he let go of her and he walked out of the room.
She heard the door slam and she crumbled to the floor and sobbed.
Monday Tessa walked into school and saw Lucas and looked down. She was in the locker room at lunch reading her English book and eating a peanut butter and jell
y sandwich alone.
���Well, look at farm girl with all of her friends,��� Sadi smirked as she walked into the locker room.
Tessa stood up and grabbed her bag and walked towards the door, Sadi grabbed her hair from behind. Lucas walked by and saw what was happening.
���Sadi, let go of her now!!!��� he yelled as he walked in and pulled her away.
She had a handful of Tessa���s hair.
Tessa turned around and slapped her across the face.
���Get some fucking help, you crazy bitch,��� Tessa screamed.
���Tessa just go,��� Lucas yelled.
Tessa looked at him with disgust ���I hate you,��� she said as she walked away.
���I know,��� he called to her from behind.
Tessa turned around and stormed back.
���Sadi I���m calling the cops and filing a restraining order. I will not let your sick twisted ass fucking touch me again, I don���t give a fuck what you���ve gone through, and you have brought it all on yourself. And you LUCAS are falling right into her poison and enabling the crazy BITCH!��� Tessa turned and walked away.
���Stop her,��� Sadi cried to Lucas.
Lucas grabbed Tessa���s arm.
���Don���t you touch me! Don���t you ever touch me again! You make me sick; you just stuck up for that bitch again! Go to hell Lucas. And this time I won���t be joining you!��� she screamed, and her eyes filled with tears as she ran out the school doors and jumped in the Jeep and drove home.
Maggie walked in the farmhouse an hour later; Tessa was in her room crying.
���Tessa honey are you ok?��� she said and hugged her. ���The school called, and I was worried, are you alright?���
���I just don���t feel well Mom,��� she rested her head on her lap.
���Okay, but you should have gone to the nurse honey.���
She held her until she fell asleep.
When she woke up, her Mom was still holding her.
