Awake

by Natasha Preston

  Walking to Scarlett's, I rubbed the ache between my eyes. I felt like I was living with a constant headache and I hated it. My mind was constantly buzzing. I didn't know what to do, what was right. I just wanted it to stop.

  My breathing was heavy but I couldn't get enough oxygen and felt like I was going to collapse. I wasn't too proud to admit that I was lost, scared and needed help. There was no one to help or guide me, though. I had no one to talk to so I just had to fight my way through it.

  Scarlett was on my mind constantly. The relief I felt when I found out she was alright was stronger than anything I'd felt before. She had gotten beneath my skin already. I was terrified that she was the one for me. We were taught there was one person, the other half of yourself, out there. Scarlett was mine, how could she not be when I already felt this strongly about her?

  But what it came down to was this; I couldn't turn my back on everything I had ever known. Eternal Light was my whole life, it flowed through my veins, it was what made me who I was, and every member was family. I couldn't betray that. I didn't even know how to.

  When I fell asleep, it was restless, and I had a hard time keeping Scarlett off my mind for very long. I hated every single part of being away from the safety of my community, and I loved and hated falling for her in equal measures.

  SCARLETT WAS IN a bad mood when I got to hers. I had absolutely no experience with a moody teenage girl. Everyone back home was disciplined so could deal with disappointment well. I wanted to go home and wait for her spirits to lift, but I didn't want to leave her upset.

  I felt like I was constantly battling between what was expected of me and what I wanted. We were in her room because she refused to go downstairs and be anywhere near her parents. The atmosphere in her house was uncomfortable and tense. Since the therapist, things had gotten worse. She blamed her parents for not giving her the answers she wouldn't ask them for.

  Every day I struggled and every day I fell in love with her that little bit more.

  She sat at the end of her bed, absentmindedly looking at the TV. I could tell she was elsewhere. She really believed the therapist would be able to help but when she came out of that room looking defeated I knew it hadn't gone her way.

  But she was close to remembering. I watched her look at her parents differently. She might not even need to remember, soon she would probably just put two and two together and realise her parents aren't Jonathan and Marissa.

  It was still a bit too soon. I wanted to hold her off, to steer her from the truth a little longer. But I wouldn't mess with that. She had a right to the truth and it wasn't something I was willing to sabotage too heavily.

  "Hey, are you okay?" I asked.

  She looked up and bit her lip. "I guess. I'm just disappointed that she couldn't help."

  "Come here," I said, holding my hands out.

  Usually, she would curl into my side but today she climbed on my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. I was momentarily stunned. We hadn't been quite that close before. I liked it far too much. Everything about her felt right, natural, and she fit against me perfectly. "I'm so glad I have you, Noah. You're the only one I can trust."

  I bit my tongue. The stress and guilt were going to give me an ulcer. Weaving my fingers through her long hair, I replied, "It's okay. Try not to let it get to you so much. The mind is a complicated thing. The fact that you've remembered this much is a huge step."

  "But is it a memory?" She groaned. "It's driving me crazy, whirling around in my head all the time. Make me forget it, Noah."

  This was it. We were alone in her house apart from Jeremy, who was in his room with Amie. I had never had sex before and I was sure I wanted my first time to be with Scarlett, but I didn't want to do this if it was just to take her mind off everything.

  "Not like this," I said, leaning my forehead against hers. She frowned, and I ran my thumb along her jaw. "You mean so much to me but I want our first time to be because you want me, not because you want me to help you forget."

  "That's not what I meant." Her arms tightened around my neck. "If you're not ready that's fine."

  Not ready. I wanted to laugh. Just because my experience with women was a long list of just her name, didn't mean I didn't have those feelings, didn't mean she couldn't make me burn with one simple look.

  I wanted her, badly, but I could see the indecision in her eyes. It wasn't the right time; her mind was all over the place and I wasn't going to give her something else to regret about us. No matter how much I ached to be inside her, I could wait.

  "Scarlett, I love you."

  Her dark eyes widened a fraction before they glowed. "I love you, too."

  "I can wait." A part of me hoped she wouldn't be ready. I was betraying her and soon she would find out. Could I let our relationship turn physical? I shouldn't but I knew it wouldn't be easy once she wanted to.

  Tipping her head up, she offered her mouth. I kissed her long and slow, never being able to resist. She melted against me until her whole weight was pressing me against the wall. I wanted more.

  Her fingers dug into my neck as I nipped her bottom lip. She invaded all of my senses, threatening to drive me insane. Everything was Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett, and I never wanted that to stop.

  Was this what it was like to be completely in love? No one back home showed the can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other-stage. I was taught it was because of the over-sexed nation where no one thought anything of walking around with everything on show and we didn't want that. But I wasn't so sure. I understood it now; it was the best feeling in the world to be so in the moment with someone, so absorbed in them, that you could explode from being so happy.

  She was the first one to break the kiss when she felt something that I thought would make my face burn with embarrassment. But I wasn't embarrassed with her. It was a physical action showing how much I wanted her.

  "Okay," she said, breathing deeply. "Um..."

  I ran my hands up her back, smiling. "I know and it's fine. Really. You can stop me whenever you need to. No pressure, remember?"

  Nodding, she beamed.

  "Anyway, I should go soon."

  "Really?" she asked, pouting.

  I was sure my pupils dilated when she pouted, remembering biting her lip in our kiss that had been much more frantic and needy than before.

  "I'll see if I can come back after dinner."

  "You could eat here."

  "And I wish I'd asked my parents before so I could stay."

  She tilted her head in a nod. "But you didn't so your mum's cooked for you."

  "Exactly."

  "Okay. Let me know if you can come back and I'll pick a movie."

  "Sounds perfect."

  And I hated how perfect that did sound.

  WHEN I GOT home I could hear Finn's music upstairs, Dad's office door was shut so he was locked away in there, and I had no idea where Mum was. There was a vegetable stew in the slow cooker, making the kitchen smell incredible.

  I walked outside and saw Mum kneeling down in the mud, planting something.

  "Hey," I said, lowering myself to the ground beside her. "Need help?"

  Her hands and knees were muddy but she always had the biggest smile when she was outside. She was the true embodiment of Eternal Light. The literature might as well be written about her. When I saw her like that, the way she did every morning back home I missed my community that much more.

  "Always," she replied. "The soil isn't as good as back home but we are getting good produce. I do miss corn, though. Can you pick the ripe tomatoes and strawberries for me?"

  "Sure." I took a bowl and went to the greenhouse beside where she was digging the ground.

  "How is Scarlett?" she asked.

  "She's fine." She wasn't fine but I didn't feel like discussing Scarlett's private life, even though I should. "I might go back over later if that's okay?"

  "Of course. Are things between you going well?"

  Now I wasn't sure what to answer. Things
between us were going really well, the more I saw her, the more I wanted to be around her. When it was just me and her I felt free, I thought of nothing but us. It was addictive.

  "Things are going to plan. She's a nice girl, very sweet."

  "Do you think she is in love with you yet?"

  I swallowed razor blades. Yes, she did, and that both thrilled and sickened me. "I'm not sure. Maybe. It's still early days." My face burned and I had to busy myself, unable to look my mother in the eye as I lied to her.

  "I've seen how she looks at you, Noah."

  So had I.

  "Even if she's not we have a couple of months," I said, picking the red tomatoes off the vines.

  "I don't think that's going to be an issue. She adores you. I know she'll go with you without incident."

  My heart sank. Mum said that to make me feel better but it made me feel worthless. I loved Scarlett's feelings for me; it was plain to see when she stared into my eyes. I shouldn't feel anything back but I loved her, too.

  It will be fine. I'll get an eternity with her afterwards.

  "Can I ask you something, Mum?"

  "You know you can. Anything, anytime."

  I licked my lips, gripping the bowl with two hands. "Do you think it will hurt her?"

  Silence stretched on for too long.

  "Do you mean when she finds out you have lied or the final ritual?"

  Which one did I mean? Well, I didn't want to know the answer to the first, even though I already did. "The ritual," I replied.

  "No, I don't. It will be over too soon."

  I clawed the plastic bowl, fingertips turning white. "And do you think sixteen is the right age?"

  She appeared in front of the door, tilting her head to the side. "Noah..."

  I raised one hand. "No, that's not what I mean. No second thoughts. You know how committed I am to Eternal Light, I agreed to five months in the pit that is civilisation. I am in this one hundred percent. I just wondered if it would be better when she's twenty or twenty-four. She'd be an adult, we could talk to her adult to adult, get her to come with us voluntarily when there's no chance of being arrested for kidnap."

  Mum's body visibly relaxed, stress from her eyes evaporating. "I understand where you are coming from but there is no guarantee that she would come even then. It is dangerous to wait. She is out here where anything could happen to her; death is an occurrence that happens every second out here. All you hear about on the news is death. If she dies before the rituals, it is over for all of us, including Scarlett."

  "Right." I scratched my forehead. "I know. Sorry, I do know that. I was just thinking aloud."

  "You are entitled to ask questions, Noah. As you know, it is encouraged; you should never hold doubt in. Is it still doubt?"

  "No," I replied, lying to my mother's face for the second time today alone. It was the first time in my eighteen years that I had lied. What had I become?

  She smiled, proving she believed me, made me feel worse. "Good. You know you can come to me if you ever need confirmation on anything."

  "I do. Thank you."

  "Would you like to go over some literature tonight?"

  No. "That sounds good."

  "Noah," Dad called from inside.

  "Yes?"

  "Can you come into my office for a minute, please?"

  "Sure. I'll be there in a second."

  Mum smiled. "Alright, you are officially let off gardening duty."

  "Thanks."

  His door was open and he was sitting back on his chair behind the desk. "Come in," he said.

  I closed the door behind me and sat on the armchair in the corner. "What's up?"

  "How is Scarlett doing?"

  She was starting to remember. That was huge and I should tell him but something stopped me every time I opened my mouth.

  "She's okay. Now she's home she's back to normal."

  Dad smiled. "Good. That's good. I was very concerned for a while there."

  Me, too, but I think for completely different reasons.

  "If she'd have died what would have happened?" I asked.

  "Nothing. Nothing can happen without her. We need to keep her safe and well."

  I nodded, crossing my legs at the ankle. Evelyn was already gone; we needed to protect Scarlett's life until we got her to Ireland. "I know that."

  "How are you doing? The pressure isn't getting to you, is it?"

  "No. Hanging out with her isn't stressful. She's a great girl."

  "She is," Dad agreed. "Jonathan and Marissa have done a good job raising her. I'll give them that. I had visions of a teenage brat but she's polite and kind." And beautiful, funny, trusting, considerate, and loving.

  "You care for her?" Dad asked.

  "We all do. You have just listed some of the reasons why."

  He laughed. "Yes, you are right about that."

  After talking to my parents, I felt like I was on trial. They trusted me. Trust was a huge part of Eternal Light. We didn't betray. There had been just one case: Jonathan and Marissa. I wouldn't let them down. They were what made me me. I didn't exist without them. I just had to get Scarlett out of my head, remind myself that I was doing the right thing for everyone here.

  I am doing the right thing.

  Scarlett

  JEREMY WAS OUT with friends so it was the perfect time to finally speak to my parents about what was going on. Only I was terrified to. They didn't like going over the past and discussing the fire. I understood why, it must've been awful, but I had questions that just got louder and louder until I wanted to scream.

  They were sitting on the sofa watching Grand Designs when I walked in the living room. Here goes. "Mum, Dad, can I talk to you about something?"

  Looking up, they both smiled. "Of course, sweetheart," Mum said. They looked happy. Like I was about to tell them something great. I felt worse.

  Sitting down, I avoided eye contact. "When I was waking up from the accident I had dreams, as you know. They seemed so real that it made me wonder about before."

  "About before?" Dad said, prompting me to elaborate. He knew what I meant, though, but he didn't want to be the first one to say it.

  "Before the fire."

  I was met with silence and finally had to look up. They watched me carefully.

  "I'm sorry, I know you don't like talking about it but there are things that I think I remember."

  "Like what?" Mum asked.

  "Like a girl named Evelyn. Who is she?"

  "Darling, that was your doll."

  Yeah, Jeremy had said that, too, but the 'doll' I remembered was running around.

  "I remember a girl, this wasn't a doll."

  "I don't know what to tell you, Scarlett. Evelyn was your doll. This was a dream not a memory."

  "It felt like a memory. Everything was so familiar that I..."

  Dad sat forward, straightening his back and asked, "That you what?"

  "I went to see a hypnotist."

  "What? Why didn't you tell us? Why is this the first we're hearing about it?" Mum asked, sitting up far too straight.

  "Because I know how you feel when we talk about the accident."

  "Hey," Dad said softly. "It's hard, I won't deny that, but I don't ever want you to feel like you can't come to us. Nothing is off limits, Scarlett, no matter how difficult the conversation may be."

  "Okay," I replied, dipping my head. "Then will you tell me about it again?"

  Dad took Mum's hand. "The hypnotist couldn't help?" he asked. I shook my head. "Right. Well, it was just after two in the morning when we were woken by the smoke alarm. We ran out of our room and grabbed you and Jeremy. You were hysterical, screaming and crying on your bed, you were so scared. Your mum picked you up and covered you with a blanket to try to limit how much smoke you inhaled. I got Jer and we made our way downstairs."

  They obviously had a hard time reliving what'd happened. Mum's knuckles had turned white around Dad's hand and her eyes glossed over.

  "The smoke w
as so thick and when I think back I can still feel how suffocating it was. The whole of the ground floor was in flames; we made it out of the back door. Your grandparents made it out the back window from where they were sleeping on a sofa bed in the dining room. I think if we'd have been just minutes later we'd have been trapped there. Your mum collapsed to the ground when we got out. Neighbours had come to help. You screamed the entire time, Scarlett. By the time we got you on the lawn to check you over, you were out and didn't come to until a few hours later in the hospital. When you woke, you remembered nothing."

  "Why was I the only one in the hospital?"

  "We all went, sweetheart," Mum said. "We all had inhaled smoke and needed to see a doctor but because you were in such a state you inhaled a lot more and you were very young."

  "Okay. Then what happened?"

  "Then we had to start again. We tried everything we could to get you to remember. We were told that familiar things might jog your memory but we lost everything to the fire. I'm sorry, sweetheart, we tried therapy and we spent every night for a long time telling you stories of your past but nothing helped."

  I remembered them telling me stories. But not being in the hospital. The earliest thing I could recall was being curled up on a sofa with them while Jeremy told me about a hamster we'd had. There was one thing that bugged me, if Evelyn was a doll I'd had, why was now the first time I was hearing of it? Surely they would have mentioned her if they went through everything in my past to try to help me remember.

  Something was definitely off, and I couldn't help thinking that my parents were lying to me.

  "What did the doll look like?" I asked.

  "Um," Mum said, "she wore a dress and had brown hair, I think."

  So did the girl I saw when I was waking up. Either my fuzzy mind made her a human or I was remembering a girl I'd known before and they weren't telling the truth. At this point, I had no idea.

  "Why didn't you tell me about it before?

  Dad frowned. "We did but it was clear that talking about your toys wasn't helping you to remember so I guess we just concentrated on the more important things like family and things we'd done together."

  "Did you take me back to the house?"

  "No, by the time you had calmed down enough to talk and interact with us again the house was gone. There was too much damage so the landlord had it torn down and he built three houses on the land."