Hope's Café

by Sana Abid

  It didn't smell like pancakes nor eggs and bacon nor anything how I had expected when I came down the stairs. However, there were the sounds of cupboards opening and closing, a spoon clinking against a cup, and heavy footsteps coming from the kitchen. I made my way through the open space where a door should be, finding Jay standing by the coffee maker with his back facing me.

  Today, he wore a sad blue button-down and depressing black pants. What a color combination.

  He must have felt my presence because he spun on his feet, eyes so wide as if he couldn't believe I actually came down. I didn't either. What happened to hating him for what he did to me?

  "What's for breakfast?" I looked around. No cereal boxes or anything. He rushed to the fridge without a word, pulling it open. I sat on the stool by the kitchen island when he returned with a medium-size mason jar. "What's that?"

  He shrugged. "I thought you'd like to try something new. It's overnight oats with banana and blackberries." I raised an eyebrow. What the hell were overnight oats? When I twisted the lid open, I found myself staring at a pudding/oatmeal type thing with pieces of bananas and berries in it.

  "If you don't like it, I'll make you something else," he added before I even took a bite. I took a spoon from him and shoved a spoonful of it in my mouth, satisfied by the delicious taste.

  "I like it." I nodded, grabbing another bite. "You used almond milk."

  "Correct." His eyes danced with glee. "I'm glad you like it."

  "You're not eating?" I asked, trying not to look at him. It'd only make me want to hate him less.

  "I'm not hungry," Jay said swirling a spoon inside his mug. "I can make you coffee if you want." I glanced away from the jar. He was unbelievable. Why the hell was he still being nice to me? Didn't he care if I hated him?

  "I'll make it. It's fine," I told him.

  "Actually, you could have mine." He smiled and set the cup down next to me.

  "Why are you being nice to me like that?" The words just flew out of my mouth.

  "I'm not being nice. I never was, remember? That's why you hate me." He said in a light tone, but it hurt anyway.

  "I don't actually hate you," I admitted. "You just—"

  "What?" He stopped midway of pouring milk in a new mug. "I don't understand you?" My entire body became stiff like wood from how blunt he was, but I managed to nod. "Maybe I don't," he said, "but it's not like you're helping me understand you. All you ever do is say two words to me and let me touch you. You think that actually satisfies me?" I didn't answer. "Well, let me tell you, Vivian, it doesn't. I'm not that kind of a guy. Sorry to disappoint you."

  "I'm sorry." I really was.

  "No, I am for somehow making you think you owe me." Jay shook his head, laughed a single laugh and closed his eyes. "You don't owe me anything, Vivian."

  "You hate me." My throat was sore.

  "I wish." He chuckled to cover up the sadness in his voice. "Anyways, I got to go now." He drank his coffee in big gulps, washed the mug, and grabbed the laptop case off the counter. "Maybe you should go visit Eva today if you want to," he said before heading out of the kitchen.

  I closed my eyes and listened to the voice in my head, waiting for it to tell me to screw Jay and his useless suggestions. But the only thing the voice said was to go after him.

  The front door shut, and I got down from the stool, almost tripping over one of its legs. I dashed to the living room as fast as my legs could carry me before unlocking the door and pulling it open.

  "Jay!"

  He stopped from getting inside his car, giving me an odd look. "What's wrong?"

  "I don't hate you." I was breathless when I reached him. His lips twitched. The surface of his eyes glimmered with water. Or maybe that's how everything looked in my blurry vision.

  "You came to tell me that?" He whispered. I nodded. A swift breeze picked up our loose hair and tossed it around in the air in a rough manner, nudging the two of us together closer. I felt my knees weekend at the sight of Jay smiling down at me, his eyes squinting from the sun.

  "I have to go," he said, taking his time to open the door.

  "Can I hug you?" I asked. It was okay if he didn't want me though, I thought. But I really wanted to. Jay froze as if I had just told him aliens existed, then he nodded, holding his arms out. A ton of weight lifted off my shoulders when I watched him welcome me, and I drowned myself in his beautiful scent remembering how great he actually made me feel when I let him. My arms went around his waist to tug him closer. He lifted my face up to meet his eyes and pressed his full lips onto mine. His kiss was slow and steady as if he was scared anything else would send me running away from him again.

  "I'll be back for you." He smiled as our foreheads pressed together.

  "I'll be waiting." I giggled through sniffles; my nose was stuffy, finally a real reason for not breathing properly. We kissed one more time, our mouths molding over each other's until I pulled away to let him go. He got inside the car and blew me a kiss before reversing the car out of the driveway. The insane part of me wanted to chase him, stop him, cling on to him—don't go, Jay— but I just stayed nailed to the ground, hugging myself in the middle of his driveway.

  He didn't hate me, the thought put a smile on my face. I turned around to go back in the house.

  With the necklace gone, I had no idea what to do to fill in the empty hole inside my heart. The silence around me was deafening, the air had a cold attitude towards me, and the walls were plain mean; they laughed at me while I lied on the couch and stared up at the ceiling, the coffee growing cold in my hand.

  You should visit Eva today. No. I couldn't see Eva. Not today, not until—well I didn't know. Just not now. I wasn't ready to face the one person that my nightmares were solely based on.

  I decided maybe it was time to give Tate a call. He must be wondering why the hell a girl, who was so thrilled to get a job offering from him, hadn't called back yet. I'd tell him I couldn't start working yet. I didn't have anything to offer his multimillion-dollar company in this condition.

  Jay must have put my purse on the shelf in the hallway because I surely didn't. I would have remembered shoving my bag between two stacks of old magazines. I pushed the piles aside, retrieved my bag, and fished Tate's card out. Then I found my phone in the front pocket. Surprisingly, it still had battery. The phone rang twice before a familiar voice answered.

  "Hello?"

  "Tate, this is Vivian Halls," I said doubting if he even remembered me.

  "Vivian! I haven't heard from you in forever." Then, his voice hushed. "Jay told me about your friend. I'm so sorry."

  My insides were numb. "It's okay. It's not your fault. Listen, I wanted to talk about your job offer. I can't work right now. My head's not in the right place."

  "You don't need to worry," Tate said. "Take all the time you want. There will always be a position for you. That's my word."

  "Thank you." I meant it. "For everything."

  "We're here for you. Jay would do anything for you. He told me that himself." I smiled imagining Jay talking about me to his brother, the only one thought that was nice in my head amongst a million shitty ones.

  "I'll talk to you later," I told Tate and hung up when he said goodbye in return. Then I shoved the black card and my phone back in my purse, stood up from the cold floor, and slipped my bag back between the two sections of magazines when something caught my eyes. A silver fragment of a chain poking out of a wooden box on the top shelf. My heart sped up at the possibility that Jay hadn't actually destroyed the necklace after all.

  Oh, God, please let it be my necklace, I prayed as I stood on my toes to grab the box. Every cell in my body buzz with anticipation as I lifted the lid off with in one quick motion.

  There it was— the key to my ultimate freedom.

  CHAPTER 16

  I didn't know why Jay was so against me seeking tranquility in a place like this. The air felt fresh, the sky was blue, the trees spoke to me through the wind, and as I walked und
er each oak, they'd drop a leaf or two, giving me their blessings. They wanted me to stay. I could tell by the way the wind whispered in my ears.

  I walked the long trail inside the forest and the path up to the dock when I saw him, sighing in relief to find him still here. We always met here, Will and I. It was our place.

  "Don't you have better things to do?" I asked with humor. He turned his head around, that crooked smile reaching his ears.

  "Not really. Somehow, I always find my way back here. Plus, I knew you'd come back."

  I pushed my hair out of my face and sat down next to him. "I find my way back here too. It just feels right."

  "What does right mean to you?" Will cocked a light brow up, his eyes watching me carefully.

  Shrugging, I leaned back to enjoy the view. "It just means I don't feel sad here. Like the weight of the world is off my shoulder. Like I can feel whatever I want , however I want and there won't be any consequences."

  "Sounds like it's your safe haven." Will smirked.

  I glanced at him over my shoulder. "It is. I just wish it could be my reality."

  Will leaned back, too, but instead of staring at the lake, he looked at me. "Well, why can't it be a reality?"

  Closing my eyes, I let the sound of the water sooth my senses. "I'm not from here," I told Will.

  "So?"

  "I just can't."

  "Why not?" he asked. I had no answer. "It will be great if you stayed."

  "You think so?" My heart was looking for validation, an okay from the Universe.

  "Yeah." Will face me. "We could do so many things together. I could cook you dinner like shepherd's pie!" I smiled on the outside. Inside, my heart was crumbling into pieces.

  "I tried it."

  "Aye, how was it?"

  "Good," I told him.

  "So, will you say?" Will bit his lip waiting for an answer like a toddler who had just asked Santa for a toy, not sure if he's worth it or not. "Please." His eyes grew large with hope, the way Jay's did when he was around me. But unlike Jay, Will really did get me. He really understood pain and grief the way I did. Jay could go about his life and pretend his loss meant nothing, but pigs would fly before I started acting like Jay. I could never get on with my life and act like I was okay. Eva's face tortured me day and night. Nothing felt right. The world seems so unreal. I wasn't alive in it. I was merely a bystander, watching the hours go by until I survived the day, waiting to do the same tomorrow. That's exactly what I was doing. Surviving. Not living.

  "I'm staying," I told him, forgetting about everything else. Being here was amazing. Everything felt in sync with all the other elements around. It just made sense to stay here. Only someone stupid would give up the chance that I got.

  Will's smile stretched a thousand miles in an instant. "Yes! She said yes!" I laughed at his pathetic joke and he hugged me till my bones felt crushed under his arms.

  "Okay, okay," I said chuckling, "you're squishing me!"

  "Oh, sorry." Will pulled away but not entirely. His face lingered inches from mine, hot breaths fanning my face. I closed my eyes remembering Jay's lips, the way they connected to mine. Any second Will's would replace his.

  No. I didn't want that. My eyes flung open just in time to hear a crunch.

  Will and I both snapped our heads at the direction of the noise. Shit. My eyes grew wild, my heart switching places with my stomach. I shoved Will back and stood up so fast that I almost blacked out for a second as blood flowed into my brain.

  "Jay." I gulped "What… what are you doing here?"

  Jay switched his gaze back and forth between Will and me, watching us dangerously like an angry predator. That flame behind his eyes turned into a forest fire, burning into my skin. I saw him uncurl his fist. Still no matter how much he tried, they curled in a ball again as if he was ready to hit something. But he didn't move an inch.

  "Hey, man, you okay?" Will took a step towards Jay, but I stopped him, shaking my head. "I'll be there." He pointed to the boulder on the opposite side.

  "Okay." I pursed my lips. Jay followed Will with his eyes, his jaw clenched. "I thought you went to work." He didn't say anything. "I called Tate. He said I could take my time. He's nice." I tried to smile but Jay was unresponsive like a rock. "I was putting my bag back and found the necklace. You're not really good with hiding things." Nothing. "Talk to me, Jay."

  "Oh?" He cocked his head in disbelief sarcastically. "Now, you want to talk?"

  "Jay—"

  "What do you want to talk about, huh, Vivian?" He walked closer, fake interest drawn on his face. "You want to talk about how great you feel here? How you feel so alive? The weight of the world gone from your shoulders?" So, he had listened to all of it.

  "You can't be mad at how I feel." I defended myself. "It's just the truth."

  He laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "You don't care about the truth."

  "What?" I narrowed my eyes at him.

  "You don't care about anything or anyone but yourself." The fire in his eyes died. Now there was only darkness inside them.

  I drew in a shaky breath, tears falling down my face. "How could you say that?"

  "You don't care about Eva. You don't care about your parents. You don't care about me." He went on.

  "I care about all of you guys." I blinked, but tears kept multiplying and gushing down my cheeks.

  "No, you don't," he said gritting his teeth. The vein on his neck threatened to pop. "You fucking don't! I was gone for five minutes. I came back to grab my flash drive, and I find you gone. Because the first chance you got to leave, you took it. "

  "I care, Jay! I do!" I cried harder as I grabbed a fistful of the fabric of his shirt. He tore my hands away. My heart shook when he did.

  "I thought," he whispered over my trembling breaths, "I thought I could care so much about you, you'd finally accept the fact that you're worth everything."

  "Jay…" I begged him to stop.

  His face drew blank. "I thought I could give you all my love, so even when I was gone, you'd feel it inside you like how I feel you inside my heart." A single teardrop fell from his eyes, thousands escaping mine. "I let you drive me crazy because at the end of the day, you were worth it. Sleepless nights, days full of worrying. It was worth it. Each morning, I'd get up and think of ways to help. That's all I ever wanted to do from the start. Help." He blinked and a scowl replaced that vacant look.

  "But my love just wasn't enough, was it? You just don't feel alive with me. Everything was just a time pass until I would get out of your hair, so you could come here."

  "I feel guilty, okay?" I yelled. My head throbbed from all the emotions ping-ponging inside my skull. "I can't move on with my life with Eva in a… I'm not like you!"

  "Cry me a fucking river, Vivian." He scoffed. "You really are full of yourself. News flash, you're not the only one who is suffering. I don't know why you can't get that through your head."

  "It's hard for me."

  "And that's why I wanted to help." Jay glared at Will. "But I guess you don't want mine." He began to turn.

  "Jay!" I grabbed his hand, but he shrugged me off. The strides he took were hard to keep up with, so I broke into a jog and got in front of him. "Please, listen."

  "Why should I when you never listened to me?"

  "Nothing happened between Will and me."

  "I really don't care about what you do." He went around me. I blocked him. "Nothing happened because I thought of you." My breaths were shallow. Pain burned my chest. "I thought of your kisses, your smile. I thought about how your cologne makes my knees weak. I thought of how good you are to me."

  "Then why isn't it enough?" He looked at me with doleful eyes.

  "Because it's not you. It's how I feel in the real world," I said. Jay twitched as if I had horns growing out of my head. "I feel like myself in here. When I'm not here, I just feel like I'm going to drift away… fade away as if I'm just a piece of fucking dust. Like the Universe could squish me like a bug like it did
to Eva."

  "And living inside a book would help you?" He glared at me.

  "Yes."

  "You don't understand. This is like you being on drugs. That high you feel, it's not real."

  "So, what? I feel good," I told him.

  "It's upsetting to hear that." His frown deepened. "My mom said the same thing to me. I thought I'd never have to hear it again."

  "She kind of had a point." I grabbed his hand. "This world is just so beautiful. You can be whoever you want to be. You can't get hurt in here, that's what you said!"

  "This world isn't real."

  "It's perfect," I said looking back at the forest. "It would be more perfect if you were in it." I turned to Jay. "I want you to stay."

  "I'm done, Vivian." His hand slipped through the cracks of my fingers. "I'm tired."

  "Jay—"

  "No." He held up a hand. "I'm sorry for not understanding you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be enough. I'm sorry I even gave you the fucking necklace. But I'm not sorry about how you feel about Eva and the rest of the people who love you. You want to leave a good world behind for a perfect one? Go ahead. You can. You're an adult, I can't tie you down against your will. But don't ask me to do the same. I'm willing to get hurt if it means I'll feel real emotions, how a human does. I will never make the mistakes that my parents did. I will never stay here with you because I don't run away from my problems. I'm not a fucking coward."

  In a blink of an eye, Jay was gone. He actually left me this time. For good. My body became paralyzed when the realization hit me, and I fell to my knees, dead leaves moaning under me in a loud crunch. Even the trees swayed, each leaf turning away from me. Jay's words played in my head in a tortuous loop.

  I thought I could give you all my love. He loved me.

  I'm done. Now, he didn't want me.

  I'm not a fucking coward. He thought I was a coward.

  "Vivian!" Will called, dropping besides me the second he found me on the ground. "What's wrong? Vivian?"