For Better or For Worse

by Desirae Williams

  “I’m so sorry son….I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your mama.” I said trying to calm him down. He seemed to be relaxing the more I talked to him. I noticed Lucy backed up against the wall holding her sore arm. She looked at me like she didn’t even know who I was, like she was completely in fear of me. I continued to hold Greg in my arms. “Hey kid, How about I put you back to bed ok?” Greg raised his head from my shoulder; he looked from me back at his mother for conformation. Lucy wiped tears from her face and tried to gather herself together. “Its ok honey…I’m fine…go back to bed.” I looked at her through sorrowful eyes, and took our son back to bed. I walked into Greg’s room, his train night lights florescent colors flashed around the room. Greg cradled his arms around my neck until I laid him down on his bed.

  “There you go son…” I wrapped him in his covers and watched him snuggle up with his bear. Even now he still looked sad. “Are ok?” I asked. He nodded his little head. “I’m sorry you had to see that Greg. I should have never hurt your mother liked that.” “Why did you?” He asked really wanting to know why I got so angry. It broke my heart the fact that my wife and son feared me. “There is not an excuse son, what I did was awful and I am so sorry.” Greg leaned up from his pillow. “But you won’t do it again. Will you?” I knelt down beside him and held his small hand. “Never…I will never do that again. Do you hear me? You and your mother are the most important things to me and I would never hurt either of you. I love you.” He nodded hoping that what I said was true. I gave him a hug and kissed his curly hair. “Go back to sleep ok. Everything is going to be fine.” He lay down and watched me leave. I closed the door knowing I had put this family through more than they could bear.

  Lucy

  I was still shaking even after he left, I wasn’t trying to cry but tears kept falling down my face. My arm was still throbbing I actually thought he was going to break it. He was so angry; he looked like he had gone insane. And the look in his eyes, I had seen that look before. It was the same look he had on his face when that crazy man attacked me, now it was me who he attacked. That bastard I can’t believe after all this he would hurt me like this. And Greg…oh God my baby…what do I do….I don’t know what to do. I sat on the bed and tried to calm myself down. I hand reached out and touched me and I jumped back nearly out of my skin.

  Grant froze when he saw that he startled me, he just stood there and hung his head down. After the fear wore off of me it was soon replaced by anger. I charged at him. “You son of a bitch…if you ever touch me like that again I kill you do you hear me?!” I pounded my fist at his face and chest and he just took it not even trying to stop me. “Lucy I…I’m so sorry…for everything…I don’t know why I…”He couldn’t speak. I shoved him into the wall and looked at him. After all that punching I hadn’t even left a mark. We stood and stared at each other for the longest time not even knowing what to say. I grew weary and sat on the bed. When Grant saw that I had calmed down he joined me. “I don’t understand…” I spoke with my voice cracking. “I don’t understand how we got to this point.” Grant covered his face with his hands. “I don’t know either.”

  I don’t know if it was frustration or fear talking but I just blurted this out. “Look I don’t need any surprises. So just tell me…is there someone else because if…” “No.” His face shot up to mine. “No, it’s nothing like that.” He cut me off abruptly. Grant moved over closer to me and grabbed my hands. “There is no one I want but you, I know I have been distant lately and I haven’t been trying to work on our problems, but I promise you baby that if you give me another chance I’ll do anything…anything you want I’ll do anything just don’t…don’t leave me.” He was near tears and I couldn’t believe it. Grant pulled me towards him into an embrace and reluctantly I let him. “I freaked out…the thought of you and Greg leaving it scared me…I didn’t want to hurt you ...I’m sorry.” We clung to each other for dear life hoping to find some solace within each other. “I know things have been awful between us but tell me what to do and I’ll do it …Tell me how to fix it and I’ll fix it.” I needed to believe that we could get through this and that everything was going to be alright. Things were bad and didn’t seem to be getting any better, but I wasn’t ready to let him go. I wasn’t ready to let my marriage go not now…. not ever.

  Grant

  It was over with Alexia, I meant it this time. My eyes were completely red and dark circles lingered underneath. I was a little late coming to work this morning but I didn’t even care, I had been through hell last night and I wasn’t going back. I walked right past the front desk without even acknowledging my coworkers hellos, I didn’t stop at the lunch lounge to pick up my morning coffee, I headed straight to my office and locked myself inside my tomb. I was surprised not to see Alexia waiting for me but then again relived I didn’t feel like seeing her anyway. I sat there at my desk wondering how I let my life become such a living hell. I was beyond stressed; beyond frustrated, and didn’t know how things could get any worse. I thought heavily on a vacation, some time to get away, me and my family. Then I would be avoiding my problems rather than facing them head on. No, I was going to handle this today and not a second later. I was going to tell Alexia that we were not going to see each other anymore, she was going to be relocated to a new office, and that things between us were over. I was going to work on my marriage, be a better father, be a better husband and everything was going to be fine. I marinated on this plan and rubbed the back of my troubled head. Oh God, if you get me out of this one, I’ll do better. I swear I’ll do better. I silently prayed alone.

  I made my way down Seventh Avenue, and turned three blocks to the garden apartments. Alexia had been MIA for the past week; she hadn’t stopped by, or even called in at all. To my disbelief I was worried for her. I feared the worst, it was not like her to disappear and not tell anybody anything. I had no idea what had happened to her but regardless I definitely needed to make some things clear. I went to the elevator and waited patiently till I got to her floor; I couldn’t help but recollect the most intimate moments between us had happened in this very elevator. I blocked all of that out of my mind and focused on the task at hand. I needed to end things now and not a second later. My heart was pounding as I came to her apartment door; I began to knock a few times hoping she would hurry and come so I could make this quick. “Alexia….Alexia it’s me open the door.”

  There was no response, no movement, and no nothing; now, I was really starting to get worried. I twisted the knob, the door was unlocked and I walked in cautiously. The place was filled with all type of art like things that brought so much life to the apartment, it now for some reason seemed so dull. “Alexia…..Alexia are you here?” I heard movement in the bedroom; in case of an intruder I picked up a nearby poking rod from the fire place and walked in. Alexia appeared in the room in her bathrobe and when she looked up at me she didn’t seem too shocked to see me here. “Hey…I…the door was open so I….we need to talk.” I managed to get out terribly. Alexia looked different, her eyes were puffy which told me she had been crying, she looked paler, and just not well. She sat on the lavender bed and pulled her hair back from her face. “Yes, we definitely need to talk.” her voice seemed strained and her body looked wore down. I looked at her wanting to know what was wrong. “What’s going on Alexia?”

  I asked. She looked away and I could read fear all over face. “I haven’t been feeling to well Grant.” I could see that but what was the issue was what I wanted to know. “You could have called in and told me that, I was worrying out of mind…what were you…” I saw the look of annoyance on her face and I eased off. I figured well let’s just get down to business. I took a deep breath and stood directly in front of her. “Look there is some things I need to say.” “Grant...” She interrupted,” staring me boldly in the eye. “I’m pregnant.” Right there in that moment my whole world shattered, it was like I got swallowed in a black hole and had no chance of getting out. My mind went numb and my heart san
k to the floor. “Wh….What?” I asked hoping I didn’t hear her right. Alexia hung her head down as if she were ashamed or had disappointed me in some way.

  I couldn’t speak I couldn’t breathe. I paced the floors trying to formulate words. “Is it…Is it mine?” Alexia looked up at me as if she were in disbelief that I would question her. “What?” I looked at her accusingly; you are damn right I’m going to question you. Did she honestly think I wouldn’t, I thought. Did she honestly think that she could tell me she was pregnant and I just nod my head and say ok? Hell no, this bitch must be crazy. I shook my head. “No…No, it can’t be mine….I mean you’re sleeping around with me and I’m married. God knows who else you have been with ….No I’m not dealing with this. I’m not dealing with you. Fuck that.” Alexia chuckled at my outburst. “Is degrading me making you feel better about the situation?” I turned away from her. I couldn’t do this I couldn’t deal with this; I picked up the nearest object and slammed into the wall, then picked something else up and did it again. Alexia jumped back in fear not knowing what to expect from my sudden rage. I slid down against the wall wondering what the hell I was going to do.

  The drive home was quiet and slow; I couldn’t help but think about all the dirt I had done the past few months the fights, the infidelity, the…pregnancy. Never once did I think about stopping what I was doing, nor did I think about telling the truth. All my actions were a result of me trying to save my own ass. And now I was in a world of trouble. I brought up the option of abortion to Alexia; she slapped me across my face. “Just because you don’t want anything to do with this baby doesn’t mean I don’t…I am not forcing you to be here…If you don’t want to be a part of this than don’t be.” Her words still replayed in my mind I knew in my heart I couldn’t deny my own child, the fact that I even brought up abortion made me sick to my stomach.

  There was no escaping telling Lucy the truth now, not when a child was about to be born due to my infidelity. As I pulled up into the drive way I reassured myself. You have to tell her…You have no choice. I made my way into the house and saw little Greg singing along with his favorite TV show. “Hi dad.” “What’s up kid?” I kissed his cheek and patted his head. He continued to go on singing like he was in his own little world. I went into the kitchen and saw Lucy working on her secret sauce for the lasagna, I smiled she hadn’t made that in a while. After the night she almost left me things between us had been tense but we had both agreed to leave old baggage in the past and start off from scratch. I wondered would she still feel that way after I told her this devastating news…I highly doubted. I snuck up behind her and grabbed her waist she was startled at first until she realized it was me. “Hey there...” She turned around and gave me a kiss. “Nice to have you home.” “Nice to be home.” I eased off my suit jacket and laid it on the kitchen table. “Baby I got something to tell you.”

  I swallowed hard and prepared myself for the conversation. She turned to me and nodded. “Me first …” Lucy grabbed my hand sat me down in the kitchen chair and sat on my lap. “I have been thinking….” She said while kissing my cheek. “About taking some time off…and I did.” I looked at her to see what she meant; most certainly she couldn’t have meant time off from work. “You did what?” I asked. She was smiling so widely. “Well since I gave up the annual ball and passed it off to Megan... I thought why not spend some much needed time with my family. So I took an extended vacation.” My jaw hit the floor. “But honey, you’re the chief editor don’t they like need you there?” Lucy kissed me again more passionately this time. “I have come to realize that there are more important things that I need to be concerned with.”

  She shifted in my lap so I could feel more of her body pressed against mine and it sent shockwaves down my pants. “Like you...” I leaned for another kiss, I wanted to swallow her tongue; we started moaning and Lucy grabbed the back of my head while I grabbed other things. “Ewwwww. Kissing …Nasty.” Little Greg came in the kitchen spotted his mom and me grouping each other and quickly ran back out. We both had a good laugh at that. “Let’s hope he still feels that way when he is thirteen.” Lucy got up off my lap to check on the lasagna. “I almost forgot babe what did you want to tell me?” With all the laughter going on I lost sight of Alexia, the baby, and everything else. I decided this wasn’t time to be the bearer of bad news, not when my wife and I were starting to reconnect. “Nothing important.” I lied. “Just that…I love you.” I got up and walked over to her planting another kiss on those pretty lips of hers. “Awwww…I love you too.” Lucy looked up at me and smiled. I tried to enjoy this close night with my family because I had a feared this feeling wouldn’t last long.

  Chapter 13

  Unexpected news

  Grant/ 2000

  “Babe I was in the middle of class what are you doing here?” I dragged Lucy to the nearest private area, a park near her school water fountain. I had just received the most important news of my life and I had to tell her. I drove all the way to UCF in my welder’s clothes, spotted her heading to English class and pulled her to the side. “Baby I got to tell you something.” I said to her. She looked into my eyes trying to place my emotion but she couldn’t because it wasn’t something she had ever seen before. “Tell me what what’s wrong?” She asked worried. I tried to gather my words together, but she was looking so beautiful today in a dark green vest jacket and black jeans. Her curly hair was down and blowing in the wind. I grabbed her face and planted my lips on hers.

  It had been a while since I had tasted the sweetness of her mouth and now I wanted to enjoy every second of it. We were getting so into it I failed to realize that we were in public. “Whoa baby there are teachers walking around…” Lucy said finally breaking away from me. I nodded. “Sorry. But it’s been a minute since I have seen you.” She smiled and fixed her lip gloss. “So what do you want to tell me?” I recollected myself and swallowed hard. “Well since I finished the welders program I have been getting a few jobs around town here and there.” Lucy nodded. “Yes…Yes. I know.” “Well one of the supervisors back in the city got me a job with a really big time company…Baby I’m going to be getting paid now! Can you believe it?” She leaped into my arms. “Oh baby, I’m so happy for you… this is great.” I swung her around and once again took in her luscious mouth. “This is so great, let’s celebrate, and let’s go out, we can go to dinner, or Alayah is home for the weekend. You can stay up here.” She grabbed my hand and trying to lead me to the dorms but I stopped her. “Babe I didn’t finish….the job is not in Lake City. It is in New York.” The smile slowly disappeared off Lucy’s pretty face and she let my hand go. “New York? You have to go all the way to New York?” I grabbed her face trying to calm her down. “Baby it’s a great job offering a lot of money. I would be a fool if I didn’t take it.”

  She pushed me off. “So that’s it? You’re just going to leave? What about me? What about us?” I could see she was starting to cause a scene and I prepared myself for the worst. “Baby you will be done with school in a year or two? You can just come up there soon after.” She scowled at me and folded her arms across her chest. “So you expect me to wait in the wind for you for a year? While you go out and probably hook up with every chicken head you can possible find? I can’t believe you are doing this to me. I knew you were going to hurt me.” I saw the tears filling her eyes and my heart broke seeing her like that. “Oh my God…I hate you. You bastard, I hate you.” She screamed at me, tears ran down her face while she threw punches at my chest. I grabbed her arms and wrapped myself around her. “Stop…Stop it.” I said trying to contain her. I turned her around to face me once she had become manageable.

  “Come with me baby.” She looked up at me through sobbing eyes. “What?” “Come with me to New York. I’ll be making good money at the job; I can take care of us… It shouldn’t be that hard for you to transfer over to NYU.” I stared into her face looking as sincere as possible. “Come with me.” Lucy sniffed back tears and smiled. “You rea
lly want me to come?” I nodded and brought her into my arms. She reached up and kissed me letting our tongues mingle all over again. We didn’t let up on tasting, touching, and grouping each other. We celebrating a new start together and we did not giving a damn who saw us.

  Grant

  “You’re about eight weeks along,”Dr. Cramer was examining Alexia during the first checkup; She was an elder Jewish woman who had been working with pregnancies for a very long time. I convinced myself to step up as a man and be there for the woman who was carrying my unborn child. After much pleading Alexia decided to let me accompany her to the baby’s doctor’s appointment. Of course I still had not told Lucy anything about the affair or about the baby. Things had been going so good between us, better than they had been in years; there was no way I was going to mess this up…not now. We were watching the sonogram on the machine while the doctor was explaining everything in great detail.

  “You can see the little curve right there….that’s the baby’s head.” She pointed to the spot on the screen which showed my child forming in Alexia’s womb. Alexia laid back and watched in amazement at the child growing in her belly, and although I tried not to show it, it warmed my heart to see the baby too. I had asked Lucy about us having more children even though I had to beg for Greg to be brought into this world. I would have hoped after her seeing our baby boy she would want to expand our family, but in those days her career was deemed more important. So no I couldn’t hide the enjoyment I got from knowing I had another child on the way…even if it was with the wrong woman. After the doctor finished giving us the lowdown on everything we needed to do, we quickly gathered our things and prepared to leave. But before we made our exit I had something I had to do. “Um doctor….Do you mind if I speak to you for a second?” Dr. Cramer removed her gloves that she was wearing. She seemed a little alarmed by my need to speak with her, being that she explained everything a minute ago.