For Better or For Worse

by Desirae Williams

  “Look baby I know we have been going through a hard time, but I wanted to do something so special for you…just to show you I love you. This day means a lot to me and I just wanted to show you.” Grant Just stared at out at the work and then looked to me and was puzzled because I looked horrified. “Lucy what’s wrong? You don’t like it?” I couldn’t be here…not here …not with him. “I want to go back upstairs.” I whispered in a voice so low and full of pain. Grant looked hurt. “What? Why?” I shook my head. “I can’t be here…I want to go back now.” I struggled to get up. “Ok, ok, ok I’ll help you.” Grant finally complied. I needed to get out of there because I felt like I was going to lose it if I stayed a second longer. We made our way up to my bed room; Grant sat me on the bed and stared at me in frustration. “So what the hell was that about?” he asked roughly. I shook my head not wanting to talk to him anymore. “Nothing I’m going to bed.” “No you’re not. Not until you tell me why you freaked out like that.” I buried my face into my hands…hoping he would take the hint and disappear. “Lucy I’m talking to you.” “Stop! Ok stop, I don’t have to explain a damn thing to you ok.” He leaned back against the wall, eyes filling with anger at the situation. “I don’t know why I even waste my time?” I was not in the mood for his slick ass comments. “Yeah I don’t know either. I don’t know why you set that whole thing up. I don’t know why you brought me all the way out here. I don’t why I’m so angry all the damn time. I don’t know you slept with that bitch! ” I was crying hysterically at this point unable to control it any longer. “I don’t know anything anymore, but what I do know is that I don’t want to be here…Not with you so just go. Just go!” I was crying so hard I was shaking but I couldn’t stop, I was choking on my own sobs. I felt Grant kneel down in front of me and pull my hands into his. I snatched them away.

  “No. I’m not doing this with you....This is your fault do you realize that? We would be happy; this day would have been perfect. We would have been happy if it was not for you.” I yelled fist pounding his chest and meaning every word of it. He brought my face to his and kissed my lips. I couldn’t deny I loved the feel of his mouth on mine but I pulled away. “No I can’t...” He pulled me back down to him and I couldn’t move…I didn’t want to. You never know how much you miss someone until there right in front of you. Grant pulled us both up into the middle of the bed and kept his lips firmly pressed to mine. I couldn’t believe the eruption that was building up inside of me just from a kiss. He broke his mouth away from mine even though I tried to keep him down. “Grant…” I whispered. He silenced me. Grant stared at me for the longest time before slowly stripping away my clothes until he had me naked. My bruises were still noticeable but fading, I wasn’t self-conscious about my body until this exact moment. “Does it bother you?” I faintly asked him. He looked at me with sorrowful eyes and brought his face down and kissed every sore spot. I laid back and cried not because I was ashamed but because I missed his touch so badly, it was like I needed to have it. Grant kissed my stomach, my chest, and my neck. He laid on top of me gently and I held him there for the longest. I started pulling at his shirt until I slipped it off; I traced his face with my fingers. “I love you…” Once again those words that evoked so much power slipped from my lips. He kissed each of my fingers as I held them to his face and brought those sweet lips back down to me. I needed him more than ever tonight; I didn’t care if it was right, wrong, or indifferent. I needed him to mend my broken heart…even if it was for only tonight.

  Grant

  I woke up at the crack of dawn and watched the sunrise, I felt Lucy moving around on my chest so I knew she wasn’t asleep either, too much on our minds. As we lay there naked in bed together deciding what the fate of our marriage was going to be, we couldn’t help but enjoy the warmth of our bodies together even if it was just for this moment. “Lucy….” I finally spoke. She exhaled and nuzzled closer on to me. “I’m awake.” “You know I don’t expect anything from you right?” She looked up at me to get a better understanding of what I was trying to say. “What?” I sat up with her so I could look into her face and let her know how serious I was. “I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m pressuring you for us to get back together.” Lucy stayed silent to make sure she took everything I said in. “Now do I love you and do I want us to be together… yes, but I don’t expect miracles overnight and I’m not asking for them. All I ask is that you be here…with me. That’s all I want now.” She reached up and kissed my lips and laid me back down. We just stayed relishing in the aftermath of our love making… not wanting to let go. We didn’t know where this thing was going but we were glad to be along for the ride.

  Chapter 26

  Can’t run away

  Lucy

  As time passed I got better and was able to get around on my own, Grant and I continued with our life just taking it day by day. Some days were full of laughter, board games, and love. Other days were filled with questions as to what to do, where to go and why. I tried not to push anything that would strike up a fight but that was hard to avoid given the situation. To be honest I didn’t want to fight, I wanted us to get along, I wanted to be loved and appreciated just as before; but things were not as before. “You can deny the truth but can’t ignore the signs.” That’s what my grandmother used to say and the signs were appearing everywhere to me. I must admit I didn’t catch it at first but after a while it became clear. Every time his phone would ring or he would get up and disappear for hours at a time then claim he wanted to surprise me with some gift… I knew the real deal. I was able to get up myself and make breakfast this morning; it gave me sense of achievement to be able to do this again since the accident. Grant informed me that he would have to be out early today I could only guess as to why. I placed the filled plates on the kitchen table and called the boys down to eat.

  “Mama this looks good.” Greg praised in his pajamas. “It sure is baby and homemade for a change.” I joked with him. “I heard that...” Grant came strolling down the stairs. He was dressed very nice in a white long sleeve shirt, jeans and timberlands. He placed a big kiss on my lips and sat down with a plate. “You look nice ….where are you going?” I asked innocently. He looked at me confused. “I told you baby I got to help out at the job today.” I nodded. “Oh. I forgot.” No I didn’t. I continued my line of questioning. “So…Uh…When do you plan on coming back?” He shook his head while wolfing down some more pancakes. “I really can’t tell you…But I’ll be back soon as possible. Unless you can’t handle being on your own because ill set something up if...” “No… no I’ll be fine.” “Are you sure?” I nodded. “I’ll be fine.” Grant finished his plate and put his dish in the sink. “I promise I’ll come back as soon as possible ok.” I nodded and kissed him goodbye. He patted Greg on the head as he grabbed his keys. “Alright boy take care of your mother for me.” Greg nodded while chewing on some sausages. “Ok daddy I got it.” I watched Grant as he left. I stood in the kitchen alone and it became clear that all the hard work he put into healing my wounds were all in vain… they seemed to have been reopening again.

  Grant

  I made my way up the hall to the fourth room on the right, she was already sleeping and I debated waking her up to let her know I was there. The doctors must have sedated her for the labor pain, I figured when I saw the epidural. While Alexia’s mother and family waited in the lobby I took a seat next to her in the room. “I thought you would get here soon.” She whispered to me with her eyes still closed. I took a deep breath to shake off my nerves and grabbed her hand. “I couldn’t miss this day.” She smiled that sweet smile that got me every time. “The pain has stopped but I fear the worst has yet to come.” Alexia readjusted in the small bed. It had been a long time coming but the baby was about to arrive. I shuddered for weeks about how I was going to pull this off, the thought of telling Lucy the truth was too unbearable. We never even spoke about Alexia or the baby, in her world it was like they didn’t
even exist, but for me they did. I always knew we would have to come to terms with this situation one way or the other if we were going to continue in our marriage. I figured let me just get through this day before we even go there. Doctor Cramer joined us in the room preparing herself with gloves. “Well Ms. Cruz it looks your baby is ready to come out.” She said as her and other nurses prepared as well. “Thank God, it’s getting crowed in there.” Alexia said touching her belly. I gulped in anticipation and relief…at least it was not me delivering the kid now. “Well let’s get started then.” Doctor Cramer and the other nurses went down to the foot of the hospital bed while I stayed close to Alexia’s side. I had seen enough birth canals to last me a lifetime.

  As they positioned her legs we both took deep breathes as our child began to make its journey into the world. “Ok. Push.” Doctor Cramer directed. Alexia strained with all her might as the baby slowly made its way out. After three pushes we weren’t even halfway done. This was the most difficult birth I had ever seen. Alexia seemed exhausted and in serious pain. I held her hand tightly and prayed for it to be over soon. As our baby boy made his way into the world we all gleamed with delight. At eight pounds and six ounces, Gage Mikael Smith was born. He was such a beautiful baby and I couldn’t stop the tears in my eyes, Alexia saw me crying and unexpectedly brought her lips to mine. It was passionate and sweet like always and yet dangerous. I pulled away from her slowly not wanting to give her the wrong impression but I feared it was too late. The nurse brought our new baby boy to us to hold. “Isn’t he beautiful Grant?” Alexia asked completely out of breathe. “Yeah.” I nodded.

  Gage cried a little but soon calmed down when he was placed upon his mother’s chest. I was surprised to see him open his little eyes it made my heart stop when my newborn son and I made eye contact. “Let me hold him.” I asked. Alexia saw the excited look in my face and gladly handed our baby over to me. “I cradled the small child in my arms and couldn’t hide the joy I felt. He instantly clung to me like he was already used to doing so, it was like he knew I was his father. “Yeah…he is amazing.” I brought Gage back to Alexia and leaned over them both while they lie together in the hospital bed. As we looked down at our precious angel we both knew the love we felt for him but only I knew the pain of the result of having him was going to cause.

  Lucy

  It was about a quarter to six before Grant came home, Greg and sparks sat in the TV room while I stayed in the kitchen and sipped on some coffee. I cried mostly throughout the day because I knew what had to happen as soon as Grant came home, there was no avoiding this conversation and I no longer desired to. He found me in the kitchen, quickly peeped my vibe and sat across from me. He looked tired and stressed at the same time. “How was your day?” I asked. Grant leaned back in the chair and started rocking back and forth. “It was good…it was good.” I nodded and sipped some more of my coffee. I was tired of avoiding the obvious so pushed the conversation further. “Anything particular happen?”

  Grant stared straight ahead not looking my way. “After work I ran by Frank’s house for a minute…his dog had puppies.” He was smiling and his face lit up when he said that. “They were cute.” I froze my body and everything in the room disappeared except for me and him. You had no idea how bad this was hurting me, but I didn’t let up, I just came right out asked. “Is it a boy or girl?” Grant instantly stopped the chair from rocking but still refused to look at me…it closed his eyes for a moment before answering. “It’s a boy.” I placed my coffee cup down sloppily spilling it on the table because my body was shaking. I chuckled at the situation even though nothing was funny…it was to stop from crying. I refused to break down, not now and not ever again. I looked at him sincerely as possibly, not wanting to fight, not wanting to cry or anything. I just really wanted him to hear where I was coming from. “Grant look at me.” He turned his head slightly to me. “We can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep pretending like our problems don’t exist. I knew exactly where you were going to today.” Grant dropped his head in shame…did he really think he could hide this from me. “I know where you have been going and I could have made up every excuse in the world to keep you here but I didn’t because I knew it would be wrong. Hell this whole situation is wrong.” I smoothed my hair back trying to calm down. Grant took a deep breath before finally speaking. “I brought you here because I thought that if I…if I took you away from all the drama that we could be happy again.” Tears slid down my face unwillingly. It was true, we were happy for a while.

  As long as I forgot, as long as I pretended I didn’t know he had a child with another woman. “We were happy because we didn’t talk about it, because we were away from it….away from her…him.” I reached for his hand, he gave it to me, and I kissed his smooth skin. “I love you very much do you know that? I do love you, but I can’t play pretend anymore.” Grant looked away from me; I could tell he was fighting tears something I hadn’t seen in a while. “I don’t know where we stand. I don’t know if we can overcome this but I do know that this is something that I need to figure out for myself. I need to come to that decision alone.” I was begging and pleading with him to understand. He nodded but I could tell he was still resistant. “I know you have to do what you have to do.

  I just fear if I let you go….you won’t come back.” It looked so hard for him to say, I reached out to comfort him but he pulled away from me. Grant stood in the doorway of the kitchen with his back turned. “We will go back to the city first thing in the morning….I love you.” I wiped my face and straightened my robe convincing myself that I was doing the right thing but my heart was breaking all over again. I struggled to stand and make it into the living room. I walked outside in my robe to the patio doors and headed for the gardens; although it started to drizzle a little I didn’t want to go back inside. I stared at the blue jasmine flowers growing along the vines, with the grey skies and dripping rain the beautiful flowers appeared as if they were glowing. I reached out and touch their softness as if they could give me solace. I need to get through this God, even if I have to walk alone, I need to believe I can make through.

  Chapter 27

  Make a decision

  Grant

  “He’s making spit bubbles at me…” I laughed as I held Gage in my arms. He was getting bigger by the minute and before I knew it he would be in college. It had been some time since Lucy and I returned to the city and I was trying to get a grip on my life the best I could. I was back to work full time, hanging with the fellas, and spending some time with my boys…both my boys. Gage wasn’t as fussy as Greg was but was definitely messier. “This is the third shirt I have worn today.” Alexia came into the room and eyed use playing. “That’s why you put the towel on your shoulder when you’re holding him…its throw up proof.” She cocked an attitude with me playfully. “Well excuse me for not being an expert at this like you are.” I smiled while still eying my son. “Don’t beat yourself up about it not everybody is this talented with babies.” She sat beside us on the couch and admired our father and son bonding. “He really likes you.” I smirked at her playfully. “He should I’m his father.”

  Gage had gotten a little bigger since I last saw him. He had deep tanned skin, brownish colored hair and a cute button nose. “My son is so adorable…you’re going to be a heart breaker kid.” “He’s got it honest.” Alexia smiled at me, I could tell she wanted to say something else so I sat back and waited. “Thank you for being there for him and me.” She finally got out. I looked at her puzzled. “I always told you I’d be there for you two.” She nodded. “I know but a lot of men in your situation would have walked out and never looked back but you chose to stick around and I really appreciate it Grant.” I looked at her those once tempting eyes looked very sincere. “You don’t have to thank me I’m doing my job.” She was right I could have easily denied her and my son. But I wasn’t that type of man and I was going to be. I was never going to do to my children what my parents did to me. I leaned back on the
couch as Gage was falling asleep. “I can’t tell you this isn’t difficult for me…but I promised you I’d be here and I’m going to honor that.” I stared at her sternly so she would know I was serious. Alexia nodded. “I know…I know.” “But I need to make something clear.

  I am very much in love with my wife and even though were going through some rough times right now I still believe we have a chance….”Her already hesitant smile faded as I continued. “I know you have feelings for me and I would be lying if I said I don’t have feelings for you. But I can’t make you believe that there is a future for us when there is not.” I was being as honest as possible without trying to upset her, but some things just needed to be said regardless of the result. Alexia sighed and looked at me searching for some type of hope for us in my eyes and when she couldn’t find any she admitted defeat. She kissed my cheek and rested her head on my shoulder. the family vibe that I felt reminded me so much of Lucy, Greg and I. I tilted my head back and sighed. I wish I had a clue as to where my life was heading but all the answers remained up above and I had no choice but to take it day by day.

  Lucy

  “So the party was fabulous honey. Let me tell you. There were so many designers there it was crazy…” I listened to Meg go on about the annual Elite party. It took a minute for me to get back into the swing of things at work especially with so much on my mind. I constantly thought about Grant and the time we spent away. My dad was happier than ever to know we were home and away from Grant. “Lucy I say you press charges this was kidnapping to the fullest extent.” He fussed. “Dad stop it.” Was all I could muster. I didn’t want to hear his fussing, I was going to come to a decision about my marriage and I definitely was not going to get any encouragement from my father. There were so many things I missed while being gone and now that I was back I didn’t know if I cared about any of it anymore. “Gabrielle was very impressed with the designs diva.” Catherine threw a glance Megs way smiling at her achievement. She laughed. “Well that’s all credit to the designers I just gave them ideas.” Destiny rolled her eyes. “Oh you modest Mandy.” She looked at me and her face appeared more serious now. “So what happened with Grant Lucy?” I took a sip of wine while pretending to look confused. “With what?” She gave me the girl you know what I’m talking about look. I took a deep breath as I began to dish my dirt. “We talked...Something we haven’t done in a long time.