by K Larsen
“You’re not my dad,” she whips back at him with ice in her voice.
“Enough! Both of you!” I shout, breaking their stare-down. “Allie, school! Sawyer’s outside waiting to drop you off. GO!”
She hangs her head and stomps out the door. I turn to Dom feeling prickly. “She’s sensitive. You don’t need to egg her on,” I tell him as calmly as possible.
“You let her walk all over you since the transplant.”
“I do not.”
“You do, Clara. She’s fine. She’s NOT dying. It’s time to stop treating her like she’s breakable,” he admonishes while glaring at me. What crawled up his ass and died?
“You know what? You don’t have children. You don't know what it’s like to feel helpless over something you love so much it could break you. You don’t get it! I’m her mom. I will parent her however the hell I want! YOU DON’T HAVE A SAY!”
“I don't?! We’re together, Clara. We have been for the better part of a year now! Sawyer gets a say but I don't?!” he roars at me, frustrated.
“Sawyer practically raised her! Of course he gets a say!” I yell in frustration.
“How dare you...he’s no more her father than I am or am willing to be!”
This puts me on defense. He’s right, but he’s wrong, and I don’t know how to combat his statement.
“I’ve already dared...to say...what I did!” My words are lame and falter as they leak from my mouth. His lips twitch slightly. I know my retort sounded completely moronic. His shoulders start to shake as he tries to not laugh at me. Finally it becomes too much.
“I’ve already dared....to say... what I did!” he shouts with a deep belly laugh before doubling over, still laughing at me.
“You know what... just...shut your hole!” I snap and storm out of the kitchen. I hate being laughed at. Okay. I hate sounding dumb and that’s exactly what I sounded like. He follows me to the living room, not laughing now.
“You’re just so damned adorable when you’re that pissed,” he says quietly behind me. My hair is brushed off my neck and over one shoulder as he places a light kiss just below my ear. It makes me shiver. He places another one on my shoulder and slowly turns me to him.
“I’m sorry we’ve been bickering lately,” he apologizes, running a hand through his hair.
“Me too. Why are you so distant?” I ask hesitantly. I’m really just not good at this relationship crap. It’s so much easier not having to worry about other people’s feelings.
“Charlie,” he states.
“Care to explain that?” I ask, completely baffled.
“Not really. It’s not true and it just messed with my head,” he says cryptically.
“Ahh...” I trail off, unsure where to go with this.
“Let’s just go back to us. I’ve missed you. Allie is doing great. Sawyer can go back to living at his apartment and we...well, right now, I think we should go back to bed,” he finishes and trails a finger from my neck down to my belly. I can’t help it. His touch is like crack and reduces me to a melted pool of lust at his feet. I push up on my toes and yank his face down to mine.
“Kiss me,” I breathe into his mouth. He doesn't waste any time. His lips crash into mine as he scoops me up into his arms and moves us to the bedroom. I miss this. I miss us existing together easily. It’s a natural feeling. I revel in his touch and let him make me forget all the little warning bells I’ve been hearing lately about him.
We All Fall Down
No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to please everyone. Does this make sense? I don't want to be mean anymore. I didn't mean to make anyone upset. I don't want to pretend anymore. I disappoint everyone, try as I may. No one wants to get hurt. Especially me. Dominic is really being irritating regarding Sawyer. Of course he is going to come over and help out and see Allie. We’re still treating her with kid gloves, I know, but that’s our choice and I wish he’d just get used to it and deal.
Sawyer, bless his heart, has really made an effort to be a non-asshole to Dom. Dom, however, doesn't seem to care that he’s making an effort for my sake--okay, well, really for Allie’s sake. I’m completely torn. I find myself falling in love with Dom more and more as the months go by. He is everything I’ve ever wanted, if you ignore his cash flow. He is tender and sweet and thoughtful. He loves Allie and treats me like the person I’ve always wanted to be but am just too...hard to actually be. I know I’m distrusting and defensive and rough around the edges. I wasn't always this way though, and he pulls that old me out of myself more and more. I like it.
I’d meant for Clara to be a fresh start. She would be smart, fun, and not naive. I’ve somehow let her end up being a lying, bitter bitch. UGH! Dominic comes home tomorrow morning, Monday, from a week-long trip to California. Our texts and phone calls have been short and curt due to the fact that I for once haven't lied to him. Sawyer’s been over a few nights and Dom had a shit-fit about it each time we spoke. He didn't even bother calling or texting me at all today and my anxiety is at an all time high over it.
“Will you just calm down,” Sawyer grumbles at me while I fidget on the couch. “He’s not leaving you.”
“How do you know?” I snap.
“Clara, I hate to admit it, but he’s crazy about you. I should know...I was too,” he says softly.
“Was?” I find myself asking.
“Don’t,” he snips at me. I blow out a breath and rip my hand through my hair.
“Sorry. I’m just...a mess,” I blow out.
“Look...The Transporter is on. Jason Statham always distracts you, let’s watch it,” he offers and I burst out laughing. One, because he’s totally right, I have a huge celebrity crush on Jason and two, because he waggled his eyebrows at me in the most absurd way.
“All right,” I say and snuggle into the couch, resting my legs over his lap and pull the blanket off the back of the couch over us.
* * * * *
“WHAT THE HELL!” a deep voice, roars ripping me from sleep so startlingly that I fall off the couch. Wait...the couch? I look up and scrub the sleep from my eyes and find Dominic looming in the living room.
“What’s your problem, man?” Sawyer shouts at him.
“My problem?” Dom snorts. “My problem is that you and my girlfriend were sleeping on the couch together!”
“Dom,” I say softly, “it wasn't like that.”
“FUCK YOU Clara! I’m so sick of your lies. I knew you would eventually go back to him. You can't seem to help yourself can you?” he sneers.
“Don’t talk to her like that. She didn't do anything wrong!” Sawyer jumps in to my defense.
“Shut up! Sawyer, you don't have the balls to tell her no. It’s obvious you want her still.”
I sit on the floor gaping at Dom, unsure why his reaction is so insane.
“Dom,” I try again.
“Clara, enough. The lies are never ending with you. The drama is never ending with you. Charlie warned me but I didn’t listen. When I first met you I knew you were the one. Until I showed up and met him,” he snarls at Sawyer. “I know better than to be friends with girls with boyfriends. You play the victim and I'll be the bad guy,” he spits.
“He wasn't my boyfriend and what the hell did Charlie say?!” I shout angrily.
“That you were a lying, gold-digging whore who strings men along. Guess what Clara...he was right.” His words cut deep and I actually wince from the pain of them. Tears start falling down my face. His face is hard and unforgiving as he stares at me.
“I could’ve sworn I was yours,” I choke out on a sob. “I never played you, Dom. I didn't and don't care about your money. I ruined an amazingly good man and relationship for you. I love you!” I cry out. His eyes soften for a moment. Probably because it’s the first time I’ve said “I love you,” but it passes quickly. I’m too late and it wasn't the right time to say it.
“Mom?” Allie’s sleepy voice bounces off the walls of the hallway at the top of the stairs. Sawyer jumps up. �
��I’ll get her,” he clips as he moves past me to make sure she doesn't witness the scene playing out.
“You know what Clara...you’re an asshole. I don't know you...how could I? You don't even know who you are or what you want. I’ve been patient. I’ve tried to gain your trust and even still you can’t truly be with me,” he snorts, “or Sawyer for that matter. No one will make you happy. You’re impossible to please.” He finishes and stalks over to me. It feels like it happens in slow motion but I’m sure it doesn't. He crouches down to me and rips the butterfly from my chest. “This, this was something beautiful, something you are not capable of.” He stands and walks out. Dominic Napoli just told me where to go, how to get there, and left me. I can’t form words. My heart feels like it’s shattered into a million tiny pieces. That’s the exact moment that I realize what I lost because I’ve never had my heart decimated like this before. I’ve never felt this horrible void in my chest over anyone else, not even Sawyer. I curl into a tiny little ball on the rug as sobs wrack my body and stare vacantly under the coffee table. I’m almost positive I will never even get up.
Couldn't Put Humpty Together Again
It’s been four weeks and two days since Dominic walked out of my house with my heart. Sawyer has been so worried sick over my ability to function that he’s been sleeping in his old room. It’s easier this way, he can get Allie up and to school, make sure she’s taken care of at night, and that she has someone able to be there for her, because I sure as shit can't
I’ve had three clients in the last four weeks. I can’t even seem to lose myself in my work anymore. Hell, I struggle to actually get out of bed every day. Thank god for sleeping pills, otherwise I don't think I’d even be sleeping. I’ve tried writing, e-mailing, texting, and calling Dom to try and beg his forgiveness but I can’t reach him. There are no responses from him, ever. I heard Sawyer mumbling to Allie that it was nice of Dom to call her and check in on her at the shop after school a couple times but that she needed to understand that he and I weren't going to get back together. He called my baby but he won't even hear me out. I pretty much go from my bed to the couch and to bed again, unless it’s Wednesday, when I force myself to the school for chorus class. I miss him so painfully that I wonder if the feeling will ever dissipate, even just a little. I’m sitting on the couch, like always, when the doorbell rings. “I got it,” I shout to Sawyer who’s fixing us lunch in the kitchen. I get up, looking like crap, and answer the door.
So here’s the thing I didn’t tell anyone. My dad died when I was young after a prison stint and my mom...well, let’s just say our apartment had a revolving door of men growing up. I despise her. When I started dating Daniel she was over the moon--about his money. She constantly begged and borrowed. I hated her for it. We never really had a good relationship to begin with but it only got worse with Daniel. When I went to college I’d hoped to lose her once and for all, but with Daniel somehow came my mother. The first time Daniel ever hit me, I told her. She told me to she didn’t believe me and that’s when I stopped talking to her but more importantly when I stopped funneling his money to her. When I left Daniel, I left her too. She doesn’t know about Allie and I’ve told everyone who’s inquired for the last nine years that my parents are dead. Oops. Just another little lie to add into the mix I suppose, but I really never considered her giving a shit or finding me. Apparently, I never really considered a lot of things when I ran, because here she is, in all her white-trash glory, standing next to Daniel who is smugly leering at me.
“What. The. Fuck,” I exhale, gaping in shock.
“That’s no way to greet your mother,” she snorts at me, unaffected as she looks me over.
“Are you shitting me?!” I crow, throwing my hands up. This is so surreal. Her perfume wafts through the air and I feel physically ill from the memories it brings with it.
“Your mom? Clara?” Sawyer says on a breath behind me. I snap my eyes shut and inhale deeply. Shit.
“Allow me to introduce you. Donna, this is Jade’s...ahh...what do you call him anyways, Jade? Boy toy? Roommate? Lover? Tell me if I’m getting close. Oh, and where is Dominic?” Daniel’s voice is dripping with hate. Sawyer’s breathing is ragged and I don’t dare to turn around and look at him. I already know he’s seething. I’m shit out of luck though because Sawyer’s arm darts out past me and slams the door shut in our guests' faces before spinning me around to face him.
“Where do they end, Clara? How many lies are there? Have I ever known you?” he spits out. I open my mouth to say something, snap it shut, and then open it to try again when his hand clamps over my mouth. “Don’t. I won’t believe whatever it is that’s going to come out of your mouth anyway.” He drops his hand from my mouth as I gape at him. He starts to brush past me towards the door but I can’t let him go like this. I want to scream at him that this is the end of them. There is nothing left to uncover, but I don’t. I’ve used him and hurt him and lied to him and I can see the hate in his eyes. The one person who probably knew the real me is walking away.
“You’re the only person who’s ever known me,” I whisper. His steps falter but he doesn't stop and he doesn't turn around, he just opens the door, pushes past my mom and Daniel, and leaves. Sawyer just left me. He just walked out of my life. I can feel it in my bones, there’s no coming back from this.
“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” my mother’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I swallow the giant lump in my throat.
“No. I’m not. You are not a part of my life,” I tell her and then direct my gaze to Daniel. “You aren't either. I don’t know why you brought her here, Daniel, but at this point--I just don’t give a shit. You’re all dead to me. Get the hell off my porch before I call the police.” I slam the door in their faces and lock it before sliding down against it to the floor and staring blankly at the patterns in the hardwood floor. Each scuff, each nic, each scratch is a memory of my, Sawyer, and Allie’s life together. I feel like I’m suffocating. There are no more secrets left to bear to anyone and there is no one left to tell them to. Everyone’s walked out of my life. Looks like me and Fiona Apple will be having a reunion, again. I tuck my head between my knees and let myself cry until I have no tears left and my eyes feel raw and bloodshot.
Allie comes home from her play date at six. For a nine-year-old she’s pretty damned quick, I’ll give her that. “What’s wrong?” she asks cautiously.
“Grown-up stuff, babe. Nothing for you to worry about,” I use the age-old excuse. She rolls her eyes, drops her bag to the floor, and stares me down.
“Try me.”
“Alliecat, really. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Where is Sawyer?” she pushes.
“Gone,” I choke out. Her eyes bug out momentarily at me.
“What did you do?” Her voice is calm but her eyes are furious and her little fists are balled at her sides.
“I...Allie, someday I’ll explain everything to you, but not now. Sawyer made a choice because of choices that I’ve made and he...it was too much for him. He walked out today. He loves you though, you know that.” I can’t give her anything else. She has no idea about life before her. There’s too much to explain and she’s not old enough to understand it all.
“I. Hate. You,” she spits. “You destroyed Sawyer for Dominic and then you let him walk out, too! Who are you?!” she wails at me before darting to her bedroom and slamming the door behind her.
Who am I? Jade McQueen seems to be creeping back into my life but Clara Lord is making all sorts of messed up mistakes, too. Clara was supposed to be better than Jade but now they’re just one in the same, somehow blurred together. Allie’s words burn me with their truth. Things I’m good at: sleeping, pushing people away, screwing things up. Apparently, that’s it.
Pieces of Me
I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head but the other person doesn't follow the script, so I'm writing you a letter, like the old biddy that I am. I've decided that life is a
ll about ass. You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, or trying to get a piece of it. Unless you're me, then you just are one. I'm trying. I really am. I'm working on me. Best joke ever: my love life. Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don't have to...I feel like a tampon: in a good place at the wrong time. UGH! Why can't I just write one real thing, one real emotion, to let you know how I miss you, want you, and care about you?
I want you to be a part of me, Dom. I really do. I hope you can forgive me. I’m working on me. Just me. Figuring out all the things that I need to know about myself so I can be worthwhile for you. Please wait for me.
I read and reread the letter a hundred times before sending it. It’s not much in the way of an honest and open dialogue but I hope to God he reads it and at least sees I’m trying to change. It’s been four months since Sawyer has spoken to me. We are strangers to each other now. It’s strange and uncomfortable but necessary. It’s been five months since Dominic has spoken to me and I still feel his absence like a knife in the back, just out of reach and painful. Allie still goes to Sawyer’s on his weekends but she doesn't ever talk to me about him. It took me making a therapy appointment to get her to talk to me. We started going together and now that we’ve worked out our issues I’m going alone.
My counselor asks me things like: What makes you happy? And for the life of me, the list I’m able to come up with is short and shallow. It took three months to finally start finding myself. Figuring out what I really want out of this life and why. How to try to get it and how to just be alone. That was huge. I realized how much I depended on and used Sawyer without even meaning to. That session had been so tough. I’d bawled like a little bitch the entire time wondering when I had turned into such a bitter jerk. Even though I let him in, I never really let anyone in. I protected myself and Allie. I never let anyone see in total who I was, who I am. I was so guarded and jaded. We talked a lot about my childhood...turns out I have some serious repressed anger and issues surrounding my mom. Then we talked about college, and finally Sawyer and Dominic. Once we started working through all those problems, one at a time, the light bulb went off for me. Sawyer and Dominic made sense after dealing with the things that came prior to them.
