“Yeah, I’ll… thanks, Dana.”
I look at Lola as I head for the door, but our eyes meet for only the briefest of seconds before she averts her gaze.
This is out of my hands.
I’m not in control anymore.
And there are only two things I’m sure of right now.
I still want Lola Burrows.
And I haven’t done fighting yet.
Lola
“I’m sorry, Dana, I really am. I never meant for any of this…”
“It’s okay. This isn’t only your mess, Lola, it’s Evan’s, too.”
I lean back against Evan’s desk but I keep my arms folded, and it’s a defensive stance, I know, but I feel like I need to protect myself from something. I’m just not sure what, exactly.
“I was irresponsible. I wasn’t acting like…”
“None of it affected your work, Lola.”
I look up. “Until now.”
She smiles slightly. “You and Mike…?”
Once more my gaze drops to the floor, and I wait a couple of beats before I answer. “I’m not sure we can get past this.”
“Because of Evan?”
I slowly look up, and my eyes meet hers. “I hate myself for feeling this way, but…”
“We used to be married. Did you know that? Me and Evan. We used to be married.”
That stops me in my tracks, and I frown, but I don’t shift my gaze. Our eyes are still locked. “No, I… No. I didn’t know that.”
“Well, I don’t exactly keep that fact a secret, but, I don’t feel the need to make it common knowledge to everyone, either…” She trails off and sits down on the arm of the couch, clasping her perfectly manicured hands together. “We met in law school. We fell in love. We had the same dreams, the same ambitions; we both wanted to be named partners in a top-tier law firm; our law firm.” She laughs quietly and briefly drops her gaze. “We never did aim low.” Her head snaps back up and once more her eyes meet mine. “When Evan and I became associates here it was Franklin, Macey & Barnes. And every day we’d walk past that wall in the foyer and imagine our own names there on that wall in big gold letters, telling the world we’d made it. That we’d achieved our dream. And we thought we were invincible, we thought we could do anything. So, when we realized we couldn’t…” She trails off again, and again she drops her gaze. Mine doesn’t waver, because I’m slightly taken aback by Dana’s revelation. But suddenly, everything she told me before, about relationships at work and how she’d been there – it’s all starting to make sense now. “We got married, because we loved each other. Or we thought we loved each other, anyway. We were third year associates by that time, ambition still burning deep inside of us, but the workload…” She stands up and walks over to the window, her hands in the pockets of her exquisitely-cut trouser suit. “There came a time when we realized we couldn’t have it all. We couldn’t achieve our dream and stay together.” She turns around and looks at me. “We couldn’t have it all, Lola. So something had to give. And we could either choose to be together and settle for, maybe, making named partners one day. Or we could choose that path where the only thing that mattered was having our own firm. One of the best law firms in New York. For me and Evan it was a no-brainer. And finally seeing our names on that wall – and then securing the L.A. offices – it was worth it. For us, it was worth it. But it’s been lonely. Since our divorce serious relationships have been pretty much off the agenda, and it didn’t seem to matter, at first, because we were both so focused on work. And I didn’t think there’d be a time when it did matter because our only concern was keeping this place at the top of that tier. But sometimes that loneliness can kick in big time. It did for me, a little while back. Which is when I started seeing someone. We’ve been together a few months now, and it’s nice, to not feel completely alone anymore.”
She smiles, and it goes straight to her eyes, and it’s the first time I’ve seen beneath the surface of this strong, stoic woman.
“The timing was right, that’s all. Me and Evan – the timing was way off.”
“But you still – you still worked together, I mean, wasn’t that difficult? Considering your past relationship?”
“It was hell. In the beginning. You can’t just switch your feelings off, make them disappear, it doesn’t work like that. So, yes, it was difficult. In the beginning. But when you want something so bad that you’re determined nothing is going to get in the way… you fight for it, Lola. And you fight damn hard until you either win, or you have no choice but to accept defeat.”
I look at her, and for a few beats neither of us says anything. And I’m slightly confused.
“I can see it in his eyes, Lola. And whether the timing is right here or not, he’s fighting. Evan, he’s fighting. For you.” She walks toward me, her eyes fixed on mine. “You just have to decide what you’re fighting for now. Because he doesn’t call the shots on this one. You do.”
I swallow hard, because she’s just thrown the harsh reality of this mess right in my face. I have to make a decision, a choice. I have to decide what my fight is going to be.
“In the meantime, can you still work for Evan? Do you still want to work for Evan?”
I drag a hand through my hair and nod. “I need to deal with this, Dana.”
“Yes. You do. And you need to deal with it quickly, because we need to limit the fallout.”
“I really am sorry. I didn’t want this, I really didn’t.”
“Shit happens, Lola.” She fixes me with a look, and I swallow down another hard lump in my throat. “Sometimes we need to make sacrifices in order to get what we really want. And sometimes – sometimes we just need to fight.”
She begins to walk away, but then she stops and turns back around.
“You and Mike, just now… when he held you and… it reminded me of me and Evan…” She leaves it there, she doesn’t finish that sentence, and I watch as she holds her head up, pushes her shoulders back and walks out of the room.
I close my eyes for a couple of beats before I breathe in deep, pull myself away from Evan’s desk and walk over to the window. It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun’s shining, but it’s cold. It’s fall now, and everything’s starting to move toward Thanksgiving and Christmas and I know it won’t be long before this city is swathed in lights and poinsettias and huge, overstated Christmas trees. I love that time of year. And I can’t help but smile as I remember the Christmases Mike and I spent together, and then I close my eyes again and I wonder if I’ve just killed the chance of any more Christmases like that dead.
“Are you okay?”
I swing around at the sound of his voice and I quickly walk out from behind his desk.
“I’m sorry, I was just taking a minute… I’d better get back to work.”
“Lola, wait.”
I stop, and I slowly look up, and when his eyes meet mine I feel my stomach shift, it’s a movement so violent I almost can’t stop the nausea rising.
“What’re we doing here?”
“I don’t know, Evan. I don’t…”
“Sit down. Come on, I’m giving you permission to take a few more minutes.”
I sit down on the edge of the couch. He leans back against his desk.
“I guess everything coming out like this – it’s brought it all to a head.”
He folds his arms and briefly looks down. “Dana told you, I gather. About me and her?”
I nod, and he looks back up and our eyes lock again. “It must’ve been hard.”
“We both got what we wanted. In the end.”
“You got the career. You got the law firm. You got the recognition and respect, but, weren’t you lonely?”
“I could have any woman I wanted, Lola. There was never a shortage of company, and I could pick and choose who, where, when – once I got over Dana. And believe me, I may come across as a cold, emotionless jerk sometimes but I loved her. Once. And she loved me. And breaking up the way we did – yeah. It hurt.
I just had to change my mindset, that’s all. That’s when I realized that, in order to get what I want… that’s when I realized I had to become cold and emotionless in order to reach my goal. I couldn’t let anything get in the way so playing the field, becoming that playboy, that suited me just fine. It worked. It fitted my lifestyle, and the women – they came, they went, and none of them mattered. Until you.”
I break the gaze and look down, focusing on my nude-colored shoes against the dark-gray carpet.
“You walked into my world, Lola, and that’s when it all fell into place. Everything. I have the law firm. I have the career. I have the respect, the success, all the freaking accolades I could ever want. But what I don’t have is someone to share all of that with. And none of that mattered before. It didn’t. But now…”
“I’m not yours, Evan. I never was.”
He sits down beside me, and I want to look at him but I can’t, because I’m scared of what’ll happen if I do.
“What this started out as, Lola – it isn’t that anymore.”
“It isn’t anything.”
“Look at me, Lola. Please. Look at me.”
I slowly raise my gaze and his eyes meet mine, and I’m aware of my heart beating so fast now. Too fast.
“Look right into my eyes, and tell me you don’t feel anything. Tell me there’s nothing there, that we can carry on like normal and you won’t ever want me again. If you can do that, if you can look at me and tell me you feel nothing…”
“I don’t love you, Evan.”
“I didn’t ask if you loved me, Lola. Love isn’t something that happens in a heartbeat…”
“It can be.”
He briefly breaks the stare, and I watch his expression change, just for a second, before he raises his head and looks right at me again. “Was it like that with you and Mike?”
I smile slightly, because it sounds crazy, but, yes. It was like that, with Mike. Sort of. “I wouldn’t say it was instant, but – but I kind of knew, the second I saw him, that he was going to be someone special. It wasn’t like that with us, Evan.”
“And that means, what? That just because a certain spark wasn’t there immediately our relationship could never amount to anything more than emotionless sex?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“People change, Lola. Feelings change, things evolve, please don’t label me as some arrogant, jackass prick of a man just because I use that persona professionally.”
“You lived that person, Evan. You were him, when I met you.”
“And I got tired of being him, of being that man. Because you changed everything.”
I get up and walk back over to the window. “I think you’re over-selling me a bit, don’t you?”
“You changed me. I still have to be that arrogant, jackass prick, out there. I have to bring out the ego and work that shit to get what this firm needs; to close those deals, win those cases; bring in those clients. I can’t be anyone else, out there. But I’m not him all the time, Lola. I don’t want to be him, all the time. And I don’t think you’ve really met the real me. Not yet.”
I don’t turn around. I continue to stare out of the window, my eyes focusing on the hot dog cart way down on the street, so tiny from all these floors up; the man and woman walking their dog, the crowds of people all rushing about, trying to get somewhere.
And then I feel his hand on my hip and I flinch slightly, and he pulls it away. But he doesn’t move, he’s still behind me, I can hear his breathing.
“I need you to look at me, Lola. And tell me you feel nothing.”
“I can’t.”
I slowly turn around and I look up at him, and because of everything we’ve been through; because of the crazy way this day’s played out I feel like I’m looking at him differently now. Like I’m suddenly seeing him for the first time, and it’s confusing.
“I can’t tell you I feel nothing, because I’d be lying. But I love Mike. And I can’t just switch that off.”
He reaches out and cups my cheek and our eyes stay locked.
“I need to get back out there, Evan.”
He gently strokes my skin with his thumb and he nods before he steps back and allows me to move away.
“Is there anything you need me to do?” I ask, stopping just before I reach the door.
He turns around and looks at me, digging his hands into his pockets. “I need you to think about what you really want, Lola.”
I don’t say anything for what feels like way too many beats, but then I walk away, go back to my desk, and I get back to work because there needs to be some kind of normality somewhere in this fucked up day. But Evan – he’s right. I need to think about what I really want. We all do. And I have no idea how the hell any of this is going to play out now…
Twenty-Seven
Lola
“I didn’t know if you’d be home tonight.”
“I live here, Lola.”
My eyes follow him around the living room as he takes off his jacket and throws it down over the back of the couch, and then his gaze drops to the case on the floor.
“What’s that?”
“I’m going back to Kat’s. She’s at Eric’s most of the time now, so, I’ll have some space.”
“Is that what you want?” He looks at me, and I feel my heart shatter, it’s too fragile for this. It’s barely repaired itself after everything that happened before. “Space?”
“I don’t know, Mike. I don’t…” I stand up and drag a hand back through my hair. “I don’t know.” I go over to my case and pick up my jacket that’s lying across the top of it. “I’m going to see Dana in the morning. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and – and I think it’s best I leave Cavendish King.”
“No, Lola, don’t do anything rash…”
“I think that ship’s already sailed, Mike. And now I have to deal with the consequences.”
“Come on, Lola, think about this.”
“I haven’t been able to think about anything else.”
His eyes lock on mine and as much as I want to throw myself into his arms and forget this shit ever happened, I don’t know if we can. For one night – tonight – maybe we could. For one night we could do that, we could forget. We could order in take-out, watch TV, make love all night and pretend that we really are going to be okay. I’m just not sure that we can be. I don’t know.
“I think we all need some space, Mike.”
He comes over to me, and he cups my cheek and leans in to kiss me but I pull back. If I let him kiss me I’m not going anywhere. And I need to leave.
“I can’t,” I whisper, and he rests his forehead against mine and I place my hand over his and close my eyes, breathing him in. “I’ll be at Kat’s.”
I let go of him, pick up my case and walk toward the hallway.
“Lola?”
I turn around and I look at him standing there, young and handsome and all I ever wanted. And my heart breaks all over again because I’m the one walking away this time. Before he does.
“I love you, baby. All of this, it doesn’t change that. I love you.”
I smile slightly, my fingers tightening around the handle on my case. “Yeah. Me too.” And when I turn around this time I don’t look back.
Evan
“She’s going to come to me tomorrow, and she’s going to ask to leave Cavendish King.”
Dana takes a sip of her whiskey and I narrow my eyes and frown slightly.
“She tell you that, did she?”
“She didn’t have to. I could see it, when I spoke to her today.”
“And what are you gonna do? If she does come to you?”
“I’m going to try and stop her. She’s damn good at her job and we can ill afford to lose her. We need people like her on our team. So, I’m going to try and stop her.”
I sit up and lean forward, taking a sip of my own drink. “I don’t want to lose her either, Dana.”
“Professionally, or personally?”
“Sidestepping the question, Evan?”
“It was rhetorical, on your part, Dana. Would you like another drink?”
“I should be going. It’s getting late. But thank you, for dinner. It was nice.”
“Maybe next time you could bring Jack.”
She can’t hide her surprised expression.
“You think I didn’t know? Nobody told me, Dana, I guessed. You’ve been working with Jack Hardwick for months now, and all those extra hours you’ve been putting in on the Gregory case? The one Cavendish King and Douglas Hardwick have been building since last January? They’re not all work-related, are they? I mean, the billable hours you’ve clocked up – the figures don’t exactly tally, do they?”
“Do you have a problem with me seeing another man, Evan?”
The corner of her mouth twists up into a smile, and I return it. “I’m just pointing out that you don’t need to keep your relationships secret from me.”
“I like to keep my relationships secret from everyone, Evan, not just you.”
“And I won’t tell a soul, I promise.”
She stands up and comes over to me. “Consider that favor reciprocated.”
“I don’t have a relationship at the moment, Dana.”
“No. You don’t. But you have a job to do, and I can’t have you distracted. Do you understand? So, if I do manage to persuade Lola to stay, but I start to see anything I don’t like, I won’t hesitate in moving her to another partner.”
She turns and walks toward the door.
“What’s it like, Dana?”
She stops, but it takes a beat or two before she turns back to face me. “What’s what like, Evan?”
“Being in love again.”
“Who said I was in love?”
“I know you, remember? I know that look.”
She laughs quietly as she picks up her coat and heads for the door. “I’ll see you in the morning, Evan.”
Lawfully His (A Dirty Business Novel Book 1) Page 22
