Three Letters

by Josephine Cox

  Casey gave a nervous little nod. ‘Yes.’ Trembling, he never once looked at his mother, but as he closed the scullery door, he heard her screeching and ranting and, incredibly, she was now pleading.

  ‘Don’t go all cold on me, Tom,’ she was saying. ‘It’s all summat and nowt. I don’t want it coming between the two of us, and if you try and throw me out on the streets, I’ll make you rue the day, you see if I don’t!’

  ‘Oh, I see. You think I might throw you out and leave you destitute, is that it? Well! You could not be more wrong, but that’s not to say I shouldn’t throw you out. No, it’s me and Casey who are leaving. We can’t go on like this. After what just happened, I’ve got to mek sure the lad is safe.’

  ‘You’re not thinking straight, Tom. I’m the boy’s mother, and he belongs here, with me. The truth is, you couldn’t give a bugger what he wants, or you wouldn’t be so intent on splitting the family up.’

  ‘Don’t make the mistake of painting me with your own brush, Ruth,’ he told her. ‘All I want is for our son to grow up, safe and secure. He can’t do that here, not with you. In my father’s house he’ll have love and security. He’ll be allowed to choose what he wants in life, and he’ll be helped to achieve it, without threat or anger.’

  Ruth was as determined to keep the boy with her, as Tom was to take him away. She had never wanted the child, but she couldn’t bear the thought of Tom and Casey sharing a life from which she was excluded. Well, she’d make damned sure Tom didn’t have it all his own way. ‘To hell with what you want! He’s staying here, and that’s an end to it!’ She ranted.

  Fearing that his mother would escalate the row, Casey remained locked in the scullery, running the tap and splashing water over his face in an effort to drown out the sound of his parents’ angry voices.

  He was afraid. He sensed something awful was about to happen, and he blamed himself. He must have done something wrong, something so terrible that he had set his parents at each other’s throats.

  Outside, Ruth would not let up. ‘You’re up to some trick or other, I know you are. So, what is it? What spiteful thing are you planning?’ Made increasingly uneasy by Tom’s quiet mood, Ruth suspected he was not telling her the entire truth. But that was not the total sum of her fears. It dawned on her that if he left her and she was forced to make her own way, how would she manage? She had no work-skills. Through all the years they’d been wed, Tom had always provided for her, so she had never once needed to work. And she had no desire to start now. The idea of not having Tom there to bring in the money was a frightening prospect.

  Oh, yes, she could always sell herself; she had done so often enough. But that was simply a sideline; a rewarding pleasure she was free to indulge in whenever the mood took her.

  And anyway, what would she do when her figure went to seed, and the wrinkles ravaged her face? No man would look at her twice then, let alone lie with her. However old and unattractive she got, Tom was a man who would always do his duty and bring in a regular wage.

  ‘Please, Tom, don’t leave me,’ she played on his softer side. ‘I’ll change my ways, I really will.’

  In all her married life she had never once belittled herself to plead with him, but the prospect of losing that wage packet on a Friday was too daunting.

  ‘Sit down, Ruth.’ Tom’s voice was surprisingly gentle.

  Gesturing to the chair, he waited, but she made no move.

  ‘Please, Ruth. Sit down. There is something I need to tell you.’ Though after everything that had happened here, he was beginning to think it might be unwise to share his own troubles with her.

  Increasingly unnerved by Tom’s manner, she did as he asked. ‘The boy is a liar,’ she stoutly insisted. ‘The little bastard wanted to make you think I had a man in the bedroom, didn’t he, eh? Well, don’t listen to a word he says. Let me talk to him, and I’ll make him tell you the truth.’

  Realising yet again that the time was not right to reveal his troubles, Tom decided to keep his own counsel.

  ‘Listen to me, Ruth,’ he said firmly instead. ‘I really don’t care whether you had a man in the bedroom or not.’ Reaching into his trouser-pocket, he took out the two keys and threw them onto the table, gratified when she shrank back in shock.

  ‘Whose keys are they? Where did you get them from?’ she asked, trying to regain her composure.

  ‘From the look on your face, you already know whose keys they are,’ Tom retaliated. ‘They belong to your new man friend, and I’m sure I don’t need to tell you where I found them.’ He smiled knowingly. ‘I reckon you’d best get these back to him at the first opportunity … before his missus realises they’ve gone missing.’ He spoke in a disarmingly casual manner.

  ‘I’m truly sorry, Tom.’ Ruth feigned a tear. ‘All right! You caught me out, but it’s the first time Len’s been here, and I swear it will never happen again. You have my word on it.’

  ‘I really don’t care what you do any more,’ Tom reminded her. ‘The truth is, he can have you, because once me and Casey have gone from here, we won’t be coming back … ever.’

  Tom was all too aware that in the greater scheme of things, there were other urgent issues they should be discussing. But even now he felt it wasn’t the moment to tell her.

  Today, as always, she had managed to create a situation that prevented him from confiding in her. Instead, he had no option but to make other, drastic plans, with regard to their son.

  He believed that, in view of what had taken place here tonight, he quietly smiled to himself. If he confessed the truth to her, he realised that Ruth would no doubt welcome his news.

  All day, he had been in emotional and physical torment; aching to come home and share his news with her. Instead, he had finally discovered that there was no doubt she felt no love or feeling towards him at all.

  That was a hard and painful thing for him to learn.

  ‘I know I’ve done wrong,’ Ruth persisted lamely, her voice trembling. ‘But you have my word, it won’t happen again. It were Len’s fault. He kept bothering me … coming to the door when he knew you wouldn’t be in. But nothing happened. I would never cheat on you with another man.’ Lies came so easily to her.

  ‘Enough, Ruth, I don’t want to hear any more.’ When she fell silent, Tom went on, his voice cold and unforgiving, ‘I’ve already said, you’re free to go with whichever man takes your fancy, and God only knows there have been enough of them over the years. Fool that I am, I’ve put up with your infidelities for too long, but no more. But all that aside, I won’t stand by while you take your spite out on the boy. That’s all over now. And so is our sham of a marriage.’

  ‘Please, Tom! You can’t mean that. We need each other. You love me, I know you do.’

  ‘Well, you’ve tested my love to the very limit. In the back of my mind, I think I knew what you were up to, but I hoped I was wrong. I didn’t want to risk losing you. But now Casey and I are going. I don’t care any longer what you do.’

  He gave a small, whimsical smile. ‘I do care about our son, though, and having witnessed how you enjoy hurting him, I’m determined to get him away from here. He’ll be safe enough with his granddad Bob. Oh, and if you so much as show your face there, I’ll inform the authorities how you mercilessly beat the boy for nothing more than telling the truth.’

  ‘I won’t let you take him! You can bugger off if you want to, but you’re not taking the boy. He’s staying here with me. He’s nearly nine years old; before you can turn round he’ll be fourteen and off to work. That’s when he’ll be old enough to make up his own mind about where he wants to go, and who with. Till then, I’ll decide what’s best for him. He’s staying here, with me, where he belongs!’

  ‘Oh, I can see it all now. The truth is, you can hardly wait till he’s off to work and bringing home a wage packet. Of course, that’s why you’re so desperate to keep him. You see him as taking my place and earning the money to keep you in fags and idleness. You intend him to support you i
n the manner you’re used to, while turning a blind eye to the men friends you entertain under this roof.’

  ‘You’re wrong! I want him to stay here with me, because I’m his mother, and this is where he should be.’

  ‘Like hell, he should! You don’t give a damn for the boy. You never have. Five years from now, you’ll be too far gone to attract the men, and Casey will take over from me as breadwinner. Well, you can forget it. I’ve no intention of leaving my son here so’s you can ruin his life like you’ve ruined mine.’

  Leaving her to reflect on his words, he crossed to the scullery and opened the door. ‘Are you ready, Casey?’

  Casey switched off the taps. ‘Yes, Daddy.’

  ‘Right, then go upstairs and get what you need. You’re coming with me to stay with Granddad Bob.’

  Keeping his gaze to the floor, Casey hurried across the parlour and up the stairs, where he began collecting a few belongings. He wasn’t sorry to be going, as long as he was with his daddy.

  Downstairs, Ruth ranted on. ‘I’ll have him back before you know it,’ she warned. ‘I’m not done with you yet.’

  ‘Is that so?’ Tom was also determined. ‘Well then, I’ll make you a promise, shall I? If you try any of your tricks or if you go anywhere near him, I’ll make sure the authorities know what kind of a useless mother you are. They’ll know about the men you entertain, here in our home, with your own son able to hear what’s going on. And I’ll make sure they’re aware of what happened here today. You’ve never had any real love for that boy, and if I was to leave him here with you, I dread to think what might happen.’

  Having filled a canvas bag with his few belongings, Casey emerged from the bedroom. He sat down on the stairs, listening, waiting for the angry voices to subside.

  It seemed like an age before he dared venture to the parlour door, but when he felt his mother’s eyes on him he kept his gaze averted.

  ‘Are you ready, son?’ Tom placed an encouraging hand on the boy’s shoulder.

  Casey looked into his father’s kindly face. ‘Are we taking the guitar?’

  Tom smiled down on him. ‘Yes, so you go and fetch it, while I have a quiet word with your mother. Then we’ll be away from here.’

  Relieved and happy that they were going to stay with Granddad Bob for a while, Casey made his way to the front parlour.

  Turning to Ruth, who appeared to be in a quieter mood, Tom told her, ‘Oddly enough, I still have feelings for you, but I could never again want you as my wife … not in that way. Not after you’ve shared yourself with other men time and again.’

  Ruth made no answer. Instead, while seeming to listen, she slyly glanced to the door, where Casey was now waiting, the guitar safe in its soft cover, and clutched tightly in his arms.

  ‘Ruth, d’you hear what I’m saying?’ Tom was slightly unnerved by her suddenly calm manner.

  ‘I’m listening.’ Her smile crept over him.

  ‘Once I leave here, I’ll be out of your life for good. I will never again set foot in this house, but it goes without saying I can’t speak for our son. Whatever he decides in the future is up to him, but he will always have a place in my father’s house.’

  He desperately needed to share his close secret with someone; a secret that was playing heavily on his mind, especially now. He felt angry, and guilty and so alone. Sadly Ruth had never been the kind of woman a person might confide in.

  Sensing a weakness about him, Ruth turned on the tears. ‘Please, Tom, don’t leave me destitute. I can’t afford to rent this house on my own. I love you both. I couldn’t bear it if you left.’

  ‘Sorry but the decision is made. Whatever the cost to me, I intend doing what’s right for Casey.’ Aware that Casey might hear, Tom lowered his voice. ‘The way you went for the boy was shocking. It showed real hatred. I must have been blind or stupid not to have seen it before.’

  Realising he’d seen right through her, she boldly admitted, ‘You’re absolutely right, I do have a powerful hatred for the boy, so much so that I shrink inside whenever he comes near me. What’s more, I feel the same way about you … always have done.’

  When he looked away she sidled up to him, her voice taunting. ‘So y’see? I don’t give a bugger whether you stay or go, but if you think I’ll hand you a divorce so you can opt out of supporting me financially, you’ve another thought coming.’

  Tom instinctively drew back. ‘You don’t have a cat in hell’s chance of keeping him.’ Taking her by the arms, he held her tightly. ‘When did you ever show him any tenderness or guidance? Whenever he brought friends home, you couldn’t wait to get rid of them on some pretext or other. You made them feel uncomfortable, making nasty comments and belittling Casey in front of them, and now he has no friends at all. So, what does that say about you, eh?’

  ‘You’re twisting things! I was right to get rid of them! Besides, they weren’t real friends! They were cunning little buggers, and they were not welcome in my house.’

  ‘Your house, is it?’

  ‘Yes! My house, my son, and my decision. Besides, it’s a mother’s place to vet her son’s friends. What I did was for his own good.’

  ‘So, tell me, Ruth, if he’s your son, and you know what’s best for him, why did you never cuddle him or sit down and talk with him about school or the music he loves? Why do you never ask how he’s doing at his lessons, or praise him when he achieves something he’s proud of … like the time he played the guitar in assembly. Do you remember, how he came running home all excited, and you just brushed it aside, like it was nothing?’

  ‘All right! I’ll tell you why I didn’t want to make a fuss. It’s because, unlike you, I don’t want him turning into some kind of softie. Besides, any fool can tap their fingers against a piece o’ wood and make some kind o’ noise. It doesn’t mean they’re summat special.’

  ‘How would you know? That day, in front of all those parents, teachers and even classmates, our son poured his emotions into the music and the music touched a cord in everyone. He made me proud, but then I expect that’s something you could never understand.’

  His words sent her mind reeling back to when she was younger. He was wrong to tell her she could never understand Casey’s talent, because she did understand. She had always understood and hated him all the more for it. In spite of her searching for the bad in him, she found only good. He was a normal boy, back-chatting at times and grating on her nerves when he stood up to her. Occasionally, he had proven to be as disobedient and aggravating as any other boy, but for all that, she recognised something special in him. Something intangible, which awakened the best in everyone, except her. In truth, she envied him.

  Casey was everything she was not. He was kind while she was cruel. He needed her but she had never needed him. Unlike her, he had the capability to love, fiercely and with great pride, as in the way he loved Tom and Granddad Bob; while she was incapable of loving anyone. Over the years, she had watched the boy grow into a fine young person under Tom’s guidance, and every day she was punished because of it. Yet, she had never told, and never would.

  Even as a baby, when Casey held up his chubby arms for a cuddle, she would turn away – much as she had turned away from her family, where she had looked in vain for love, and even from Tom, a man of principle. A hard-working man, who had always provided for her, and who had, from an early age, loved her without question.

  Tom and the boy were not of her world. They were too safe, too predictable. Since childhood she had never wanted a safe world.

  And for that, she had neither regrets, nor peace. She had hardened her heart, vowing never to let others hurt her, but they had hurt her, and the pain was like a living thing inside her. It had taught her that love could only ever bring pain.

  ‘RUTH!’

  ‘What now?’ Startled out of her reverie, she raged at him, ‘I won’t change my mind. I mean to keep the boy, and there is nothing you or your father can do about it. When the time comes, I’ll make sure he knuckles d
own, and learns a useful trade. You might be running away, but I won’t allow him to go. It won’t be long before he’ll need to take up his responsibilities. There’ll be no more time wasted on music and such, I’ll make sure of it.’

  ‘Not if I can help it, you won’t! His granddad thinks as I do.’

  ‘For pity’s sake, what’s wrong with you? He’s a boy, he should be outside playing football or fighting in the playground, or being trained for summat that might earn him a living, like building or plumbing. Instead he’s wasting his time holding a piece o’ wood and making noises that no one cares about. He’s useless, and the sooner he gets out of school and into a proper job, the happier I’ll be, and that’s the truth.’

  Casey had retreated into the passage to lean forlornly against the far wall. ‘Look at him!’ Ruth screeched. ‘Hugging that damned guitar like it were summat precious. It’s nothing but a piece o’ wood, that’s all. Useless … like him!’

  Deeply hurt, Casey stepped forward. ‘You don’t understand. When I played in assembly, everybody stood up and clapped. Miss Hardwick said it was beautiful, but you never heard me because you weren’t even there. You don’t care about anything I do.’ When the tears began to flow, he wiped his eyes and brought his sorry gaze to the floor.

  Unmoved, Ruth rounded on Tom. ‘Now, see what you’ve done. You’ve got him thinking he’s summat special. He thinks that piece o’ wood is his future, but it’s not and never will be. It won’t earn him a wage, and it won’t make him a man. It’s nothing! D’you hear me?’

  Suddenly she rushed across the room and grabbed the guitar out of Casey’s arms. Fighting Tom off as he tried to stop her, she smashed the instrument against the wall where the cover split open, shooting out splinters of wood and tangled strings.

  ‘That’s what I think of yer precious guitar.’

  When she tried to raise the guitar again, Tom wrestled her onto a chair, his voice trembling with anger. ‘You know how much that guitar meant to Casey. Why would you do such a wicked thing?’