Three Letters

by Josephine Cox

  With a shock, she recognised the man who had brought Ruth home that awful night of the attack. ‘Oh … it’s you … you’re the one who brought her home, aren’t you?’ Now she didn’t know what to think.

  If he really was the same man who had made Ruth with child some nine years ago, and if he was also the man who had brought her here that night, why didn’t either of them recognise the other?

  Huddled on the landing, Ruth was shocked by the older woman’s words. Filled with shame, she did not want to believe that this was really the man who brought her home that night. At the time, hurt and ashamed, she was in no fit state to worry about who was helping her.

  Now, though, having watched him from the window and listened to his voice, all her doubt as to his identity was gone.

  It was him. Casey’s real father was really here. Standing just a short distance from her.

  Her shame was tenfold. What would he have thought of her, looking the way she had, all dirty and dishevelled, being dragged away by those men like a piece of meat for the taking?

  Going softly from the landing to her bedroom, she huddled on the bed, devastated. After all this time he was here and her guilt was crippling.

  Since leaving Casey behind, she had lost all respect for herself. These had been dark days, but Marilyn had pulled her through. Now, looking back on her life as a mother, she had come to believe that Casey was better off without her.

  She hoped that the man outside would never know that the woman he slept with that one night was also the down-and-out woman he recently rescued. Back then, when they met up she was younger, without responsibility, she had been footloose and carefree, just out for a bit of fun; but from that fateful, wonderful night, her whole life had been changed for ever.

  The stranger didn’t love her – why would he? She was just one of many girls who threw themselves at him. Nor did he want to know when Connie took him the letter telling him that she was pregnant with his child, and that she needed to meet with him.

  When Connie had got back and told her he was angry and that he wanted nothing to do with her, Ruth had not forgotten the devastation she felt.

  As she had recently confessed to Marilyn, if it hadn’t been for him abandoning her and the child, she would never have been so bitter. And she would never have fooled Tom into raising the boy he believed was his.

  Sometimes, life was so cruel, it created cruelty in others. And once you were set along a certain path, it seemed there was no way back.

  It was only since gaining Marilyn’s friendship, and being able to confide in her, that Ruth had come to realise how wicked she had been to Tom, and Casey.

  Seeing Casey’s father again had shaken her deeply. It had also made her realise how much she still loved him.

  She heard his voice, and her heart ached for what might have been.

  ‘I’ve been in the area concluding some important business, but I’m away home soon,’ he was telling Marilyn. ‘I thought I’d just call by before I go, to see if the young woman is all right after her ordeal.’

  ‘Yes, like I said, she’s fine now, thanks to you.’

  ‘Can I see her, d’you think?’

  Marilyn had to think quickly. ‘Oh, but she’s not here any more. In fact, she’s gone back home … to be with her relatives.’

  Steve was confused. ‘I thought she was your daughter … or a relative, at least?’

  ‘No. She was no relative; just a friend.’

  ‘And the woman I saw coming into your house just now, that wasn’t her?’

  ‘No. She’s my cleaner … late, as usual. Busy little thing, she is. Got three kids and an old relative who runs her ragged.’

  Steve apologised. ‘Only, I had an idea she might be someone I met about nine years ago.’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘She was the one that got away, as they say.’ He felt he could confide in this woman. ‘We had one night together, and then she was gone. I’ve not see her from that day to this, and I don’t suppose I’ll ever see her again.’

  His heartfelt comment had Marilyn wondering. ‘Why did you let her go if you were that smitten?’

  ‘To be honest, I don’t know; except it was only afterwards that I found out how much I cared for her.’

  ‘And so you still care for her, after all this time … nine years or more, you say?’

  ‘Something like that,’ he answered quietly. ‘I loved her, then I let her go. Isn’t that a sad tale, eh? But there you are.’ He gave a sorry shrug. ‘Sometimes life just gets in the way.’

  ‘It does, you’re absolutely right there.’ She should know.

  ‘Well, thank you for your time, and if you ever see that young woman again, tell her I was glad to be of help.’

  ‘I will.’

  He gave a smile. ‘Well, I’d best be off. I’m sorry to have disturbed you.’

  ‘Cheerio then, and thank you again for what you did.’

  ‘No need for thanks,’ he said. ‘Any decent person would have done the same.’

  He waved as he went, muttering to himself. I was wrong. It wasn’t her. He felt incredibly sad. I suppose it’s time to close that chapter in my life.

  Judging by the way she had haunted him these past years, he knew it would not be easy; if possible at all.

  Marilyn went upstairs to tell Ruth he was gone. She found her lying across the bed, breaking her heart.

  ‘Hey! That’s enough of that, my girl.’ Taking her by the shoulders, she sat her on the edge of the bed. ‘If you wanted to renew your relationship with him, you could have come downstairs. Though you’d have had to be sure it really was the man who left you pregnant.’

  ‘I’m sure. I heard him talking to you … in that same soft, warm voice I remember. I watched him walk away, and for one brief minute he turned round, and he almost caught me looking. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. He’s older, and looking more like a businessman than the member of a singing group, but it’s him all right … Casey’s real father. I would gamble my life on it.’

  ‘You still have strong feelings for him, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes. Since that night we made love I’ve never stopped thinking about him. He was all I ever wanted. I know I should hate him for what he did, but I don’t. However hard I try, I can’t stop wanting to be with him, but I know it will never happen.

  ‘When I found out I was carrying his child, Connie was the only one I told. She was so angry that she found where the group was playing next, and we planned to go and see him. I asked her to take a letter to him, and she promised to make sure he got it.

  ‘In the letter, I told him how much I cared for him, and that I wanted to keep the baby. I said I was sorry not to have spent more time with him, but that I understood how busy he was. I asked that we should meet and talk about what to do.

  ‘Connie told me that he did read the letter, and then he got really nasty.’

  Marilyn saw how upset she was getting. ‘Enough now, dear,’ she urged gently. ‘You’re only punishing yourself all over again.’

  Ruth looked up with tear-stained eyes. ‘How could he do that?’ she asked. ‘How could he turn away from me and his child, like that?’

  In the light of more recent events, Marilyn herself wondered the very same. ‘I really don’t know, dear. That’s why I wondered if you were sure about the man who just left: the man who fought those bullies in the alley. To my mind, he doesn’t sound like a man who would have deserted you way back then, when you desperately needed him. Any more than he deserted you in the alley.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Ruth agreed, ‘and I could be wrong about the man who came to the door just now, only there was something about him, I’m almost certain he’s Casey’s father.’

  Burying her head in her arms, she began to sob, and once she started, she couldn’t stop. ‘I’m a wicked woman,’ she confided brokenly. ‘I’ve done terrible things, and now they’re coming back to haunt me. Why could I not have loved Casey like a mother should? What happened was not his fault, but I stil
l blamed him, then I learned to hate him.’

  Turning to Marilyn, she asked, ‘What’s wrong with me? How could I have been so wicked? What made me use Tom in such a cowardly way? He didn’t deserve it. He was a good man …’

  Collapsing into the older woman’s arms, she blamed herself for Tom’s suicide, and the boy’s dislike of her. She wanted to go back, to try and put things right, but it was too late.

  ‘It’s all too late,’ she cried bitterly. ‘Because of me, Tom’s dead and my own son hates me. I don’t blame them. I should be burned in Hell for what I’ve done. I should be punished, like I punished them.’

  Deeply moved by this young woman’s heartfelt plight, Marilyn cupped her two hands about Ruth’s face. ‘Look at me, child.’

  She looked into Ruth’s haggard eyes, and in the gentlest voice she told her, ‘Don’t ever think you’re the only woman who has ever palmed a child off on some poor unsuspecting man. From what you told me before about Tom and the great love he had for you, I believe he would have found it in his heart to forgive you anything.’

  ‘Do you really think so?’ Feeling lost, Ruth laid her head on the older woman’s shoulder. ‘Do you really think he’s forgiven me?’

  ‘Yes, child, I really do. After all, you gave him a son he adored. A son who brought him untold joy; of a kind he might never have known, if it hadn’t been for you.’

  ‘But when I told him he wasn’t Casey’s father, I destroyed him.’

  In her tortured mind, she could see the pain on Tom’s face now, and she could hardly bear it. ‘Oh, if only you’d been there. He was torn apart, and I did that to him. Me! I broke his heart … the only man who had ever treated me like a princess. A man who had loved me without condition. I saw the awful shock on his face, and I felt his loathing for me. It should have been me who jumped off that bridge. I should have been the one to die. Not Tom.’

  Marilyn grew fearful for her sanity. ‘Stop it now, child!’ she said sternly. ‘I know … I do know.’

  ‘You don’t! Nobody does, except me … and the boy. He was there. He knew that Tom could never find it in his heart to forgive me, and neither could he. But I was so out of my mind, I didn’t care.’

  When the burden of what she had done cut too deep, she sat up and, frantically running her hands through her hair, she raised her voice for the world to hear. ‘I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING TO THEM, AND I DIDN’T EVEN CARE!’

  She was in turmoil, suffering like she had never suffered before. Because now she could see herself for what she was … what she had been. ‘That good, kind man took his own life because of me … because of what I did to him.’

  ‘Ssh, child … ssh now.’ The older woman held her close as Ruth’s body shuddered with sobs.

  Marilyn held her until finally she grew quiet. Then she gently laid her down on the bed to sleep.

  Placing a cover over her, she was able to let her own tears fall for this sorry, broken young woman. We all make mistakes, she thought, feverishly dabbing at the tears as they tumbled down her face. Some of us more than others. In the end, though, our sins will always find us out.

  At the door, she turned a moment, gazing on Ruth’s crumpled body. ‘Sometimes, when we’re in the grip of a terrible rage, we cause pain and suffering,’ she murmured. ‘It’s the saddest thing, but true. One way or another, we all have to pay the price, when that pain comes back to haunt us.’

  Years ago, she too had learned the harshness of blaming others for her own ill fortunes.

  She stood awhile at the door, her gaze lingering on Ruth. ‘Be strong, child,’ she told her softly. ‘For too long, you’ve locked it all away. Now that you’ve managed to inch open the door, it’s just a matter of having the courage to walk through it.’

  She turned away, deeply shaken by the ordeal she had just experienced. Taking a hanky from her pinny pocket, she dabbed at her tearful eyes, and took a deep, invigorating breath. Oh! There’s a half-bottle o’ that brandy you tucked away at Christmas. That’s what you need, my dear, she thought, a cup o’ tea warmed with a generous nip o’ brandy.

  The thought of licking her tongue round that brandy brought a little smile to her face.

  Steve despaired when the meeting next morning with Edward Mull brought more revelations regarding the site.

  ‘We’ve had a bit of a setback,’ Edward informed Steve. ‘The surveyors have discovered a network of old waterpipes running through an area that they were assured was clear. Initially, because the area is well away from where the actual buildings will be, it didn’t seem to be a threat to the project.’

  ‘So, why is it a threat now?’ Steve was frustrated.

  ‘Well, unfortunately, it’s been suggested by one of the locals that, many years ago, long before the holiday camp was set up, the back end of the site had been a petrol station. So now, because, for some reason, this garage was never shown on the site plan, it has to be checked and cleared.’

  The agent was just as angry as Steve. ‘Somebody along the way did not do their job properly, and now we’re looking at a hold-up of at least a fortnight … if not longer.’

  ‘So, is it likely to affect the permission in the long run, or can it be dealt with?’

  ‘It can be dealt with. I’ve already had assurances from the council. The trouble is, they have to be seen to be doing their duty, and that means ruling out any possible danger or health threats to the local community. Mind you, it’s in our favour that the holiday site was there for many years and, so far as they could find out, the pipes never caused any problem. In fact it wasn’t even known that they were there.’

  There was little Steve could do, but leave it in the hands of Edward. ‘Ring me daily,’ he directed the agent. ‘Keep me posted at every stage.’

  ‘You can rely on it. So now, go home and take a breather; book a table for dinner with your wife tomorrow night. Just relax. I’ll keep this moving here. You’ll know any news as soon as I do.’

  ‘All right, but meantime, keep shifting things along. The last thing I need is for the project to be held up for any length of time. Don’t forget, I have backers to answer to.’

  ‘I understand, and I’m on it. You have my word.’

  With nothing at present for him to do, Steve left; disheartened but not altogether defeated. As far as he was concerned, they’d hit a stumbling block, not a brick wall. With luck his dream was still intact.

  It was just unfortunate that he had no one to share it with.

  He was eager to get home, he started out straight away.

  He recalled the agent’s well-intentioned words: ‘book a table for dinner with your wife’.

  If I never came home again, I dare say Connie wouldn’t even notice, he thought.

  Glancing at the petrol gauge, he saw he needed fuel, so he pulled off the main route and found a garage.

  After he’d filled the tank, he called home to let Connie know he was on his way.

  ‘What time will you be here?’ she wanted to know.

  ‘I’m not sure. The traffic is getting heavier, so let’s say another hour or thereabouts, to be on the safe side. Oh, and if you like, we can book a table at Forresters for tomorrow night. In fact, you can book it now, if you like?’

  ‘We’ll talk about it when you get back. I have a hairdresser’s appointment, so I might not be back by the time you arrive home. I’ll see you later, though.’

  ‘OK, not a problem. Bye then.’ He replaced the receiver. ‘Looking forward to seeing you, Steve,’ he mimicked her voice. ‘Drive safely now, darling.’ He grunted. ‘Hmm! I can’t even recall the last time she worried herself about me.’

  After stealing a few minutes to enjoy a sandwich and a coffee, he headed off again.

  His mind remained heavy with thoughts of the young woman who had been Connie’s friend. It was strange how Connie never spoke about her.

  Now, though, with the memory of a certain young woman ever strong in his mind, he found himself curious as to Connie’s true nature.


  Come to think of it, he hardly knew her. She was barely at home most days.

  Pampered and lazy, she had hired people to run the house and gardens. He had never seen her pick up a duster or a frying pan. She even had the groceries delivered.

  Their sex life was almost non-existent. From day one she assured him that she had no intention of having children: ‘ruining my figure and puking up in the mornings with a belly the size of an elephant’ was her view of having a baby.

  It was like his eyes were suddenly wide open and he could see her for what she was: a wanton spender who never liked to get her hands dirty, and flatly refused even to discuss the possibility of a family. She was content enough to live life to the full, while he was out, earning the money.

  And for what? She didn’t share his dream, or even his life. They merely shared a house, and the very thought of that house resounding to the noise of children absolutely horrified her. She had that choice, he understood that. But he also had a choice, didn’t he? So, what about what he wanted, and why hadn’t she admitted that she never wanted children before they rushed into getting married?

  I am fond of her, though, he told himself. At times she can be funny and interesting. All right, we don’t run into each other’s arms after I’ve been away, and we don’t have the fiery passion, but how many married couples do?

  When it came right down to it, he and Connie had rubbed along OK these past years.

  Yet again, his thoughts swung back to Connie’s friend, Ruth, and he felt sad.

  Determined to clear his mind of past memories, he concentrated on the road ahead.

  PART SIX

  Your Sins

  Will Find You Out

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  IT WAS GROWING dusk as Steve drove into Finchley High Road.

  From there it was merely a five-minute drive to the tree-lined lane where he and Connie lived together.