Lawyers in Hell

by Morris, Janet

  Demetrius was having trouble staying ahead of the water because the Library encompassed fourteen entire floors – the lowest fourteen of the Hall of Injustice, where the Administration and its myriad bureaucratic departments were located. These particular floors had been chipped out of the solid rock by prisoners held in His Satanic Majesty’s dungeon, over a period of aeons.

  “There,” he said with satisfaction. “Stopped another one.” Demetrius turned to thank his newest assistant, Makalani, a lovely youth whose name – by predestination or fate? – meant “clerk” in ancient Egyptian. “Oh, no! This horrid seepage has ruined your smock,” Demetrius exclaimed. “Come to my office, Sesh, and we’ll find you a fresh uniform.”

  Makalani hurried alongside the Chief Librarian with his heart beating a little faster than normal. Demetrius had called him “Sesh,” which was not only an honorific meaning “respected scribe,” but was also a rather intimate use of the word. Dared he hope…?

  When they reached his office, Demetrius searched through chests until he found just what he was looking for. “Here you are; see if it fits,” he said, handing an almost new, crimson smock to the excited young man.

  “Oh, but sir, this is crimson…. I’m only a fourth-level scribe.”

  “Not any more,” Demetrius smiled. “I recently lost my personal assistant when his taxi was swept away in the flood, so I’m promoting you to his position, young Sesh.”

  Makalani tried to control his breathing as he removed his ruined smock and slid the new one over his long, ebony curls. He adjusted the collar and sleeves, noticing how nicely his gray linen pants set off the expensively-dyed smock and smiled shyly. Then, bowing slightly, he looked up at the Chief Librarian with kohl-lengthened eyes. “Sir, I hardly know what to say. I am honored and I will do everything possible to be worthy of this opportunity.”

  “I’m sure you will, First Assistant, I’m sure you will,” Demetrius said, well-pleased with his choice. “But now we must return to our duties,” he added briskly, straightening the folds of his own robe and brushing off some dust acquired in their latest exploration. He might be working in New Hell with all these new dead, but he still preferred the dignified scholar’s robes and sandals he had worn in Athens and Alexandria (even if these robes were made of wrinkle-resistant modern fabric).

  The two descended the stairs to the third level balcony above the meeting floor of Hell’s Law Library, and looked down at the newest class of damned lawyers filing in to be seated below, through a thickening haze of smoke and sulphurous vapor.

  “You see them, Makalani?” Demetrius asked with scorn. “All these new dead – entirely lost without the small engines they keep in their pockets or clip to their ears, or the larger ones with push-buttons they must use to find cases, laws and loopholes in the more modern books here in the Library. They’re just like my new-dead assistants, who spend all their time in the research rooms trying to get information from the Library’s computer system (such as it is), instead of looking for the actual printed documents.

  “At one time, I knew the location of every scroll and parchment in the entire Library of Alexandria. I didn’t need gadgets to remind me where to find a scroll. After all, I organized that place,” he sniffed, glancing smugly at his assistant. “And let me tell you, it was an enormous endeavor.” Makalani looked at Demetrius with something approaching awe.

  Turning back to the balcony railing, Demetrius directed the clerk’s attention to the lawyers assembling on the ground floor. “First, they’ll complain about the poor ventilation, the dust, the temperature, the lights and the odor down there, especially with all this disgusting liquid seeping in through the walls. Then listen for all the shocked whispers and exclamations of rage when the new class learns the rules under which they must now labor.” He chuckled hoarsely, the mildew from the seepage catching in his throat. “There are always a few in each new group who believe that due to their prior ‘lofty’ status, they should be exempt from the probationary period required of every lawyer.”

  “Why is there a probationary period, Chief Librarian?” asked Makalani. “Did not these men and women learn their trade in life?”

  “Oh, of course, they learned to read the law on earth – for their own ends…. Most of these people were wealthy, powerful and respected in their communities during their lives (if not necessarily esteemed by their peers and spouses). They foolishly assume they will continue to enjoy their previous lifestyle here in the afterlife.” He scoffed. “With all the unrest caused by this audit from on high, these newly-damned lawyers should be grateful their orientation seminar is going forward on schedule. They could still be languishing in the morgue with the Undertaker, awaiting release. I find their shock rather entertaining – especially when they discover what their duties will be while they serve their probation,” Demetrius confided.

  Makalani was flattered that the Chief Librarian was taking time to share these insights with him. After realizing that his heart would never be weighed by Maat against a feather, Makalani had been ecstatic when assigned to the Law Library: here he could work under the legendary Demetrius, Makalani’s personal hero, whose organization of the Royal Library of Alexandria was legend. To be named First Assistant was an honor beyond the young sesh’s wildest dreams.

  “Most of these newly-damned candidates are attending our ‘Legal Orientation Seminar’ for the first time, although a few are repeating the course – some who have died here, and revisited the Undertaker, or have been judged inadequate and returned for ‘additional’ orientation,” Demetrius explained as he and Makalani looked down at the enormous plaza on the lowest level.

  “The ones new to hell are the most fun to watch as they learn their fate. As they straggle into the room, the saying above the door – derived, of course, from the one at the Alexandria Library – just confuses them, highlighting their woeful ignorance.”

  Inscribed above the entryway to Hell’s Law Library was the statement: The place of the curse of the soul. The epithet was a source of never-ending amusement to Demetrius, a play on the words above the original library’s door, which had said ‘The place of the cure of the soul.’

  “But sir, do not all men know the original words of the famous inscription in Alexandria?” asked Makalani.

  Demetrius sniffed, “If these people didn’t need to know something for their daily work, most couldn’t be bothered to find out. All they needed to know, in their opinion, they could find using their benighted ‘equipment.’ It’s a miracle – sorry,” he cringed slightly while glancing up, then continued: “It’s amazing if more than a few of them have been in an actual library since they studied for the bar,” said Demetrius with scorn.

  Makalani was still dizzy with the honor of having the famous Demetrius confide in him. In life Demetrius had revamped the legal system of Athens, where he was in charge of the city (even though a change in government forced him to leave expeditiously for Thebes, with his wife and eromenoi). After a decade in Thebes, Demetrius was welcomed in Alexandria, where he was appointed Chief Librarian and organized the famous Library there for Ptolemy I – until the king’s heir callously fired him, an act which Makalani considered mean and spiteful of Ptolemy II.

  Demetrius explained to Makalani, “When I arrived in Hades’ realm, His Satanic Majesty, the Prince of Darkness, personally selected me – because of my experience in Athens with the law, and as bibliophylax of Alexandria – to be the Chief Librarian for Hell’s Law Library.” Demetrius made a sweeping gesture to call attention to the hundreds of thousands of shelves stretching into the distance around them. Turning to his assistant, he lowered his voice: “While not as beautiful as wonderful Alexandria,” then continued at normal volume, “it does contain every law ever written on earth or in hell, whether handwritten on papyrus; incised in tablets of stone, clay or wax; drawn on sheepskin; rendered by calligraphy in ink and illuminated by hand on parchment or vellum; or printed on modern paper bound in books. So, to keep track of it all, Sat
an arranged for me to be assigned here. Of course, this library contains far more material than simply laws; it has reference material from all the ages.

  “I do not want to have to explain to HSM how I allowed mold and mildew to take hold on some of the rare leather-covered books, not to mention the parchments and vellum.” Demetrius shuddered. “Do you know we have the original of Danté Alighieri’s ‘Divine Comedy’ here? All three sections: Inferno, Purgatorio and Paradiso from the fourteenth century…. And some of the original writings of the infamous Marquis de Sade.

  “This library was in a horrendous state when I arrived, and needed my organizational skills desperately,” Demetrius said flatly. “But I now know where every single scroll, parchment fragment, palimpsest, or tablet in my domain is stored. My more modern clerks are much like these newly-damned lawyers – entirely lost without their devices to find laws and cases in the printed books. I happily leave that material to their auspices. Here in hell, their fancy equipment is usually only good for losing the most vital piece of information they need. But they’ll find out soon enough,” Demetrius said as the lights in the entire library flickered, and howls of dismay were heard from the research rooms.

  “It’s lucky you arrived here when you did, my boy. The Legal Orientation Seminar is going to be somewhat different today; there will be a guest speaker, from ‘Above,’ a rarity,” said Demetrius, raising his gray eyebrows meaningfully. “We’ll come back later, in time to hear the lecture. The Boss has been very ill-tempered since the auditors arrived and we don’t want to draw any unwanted attention, so we need to familiarize you with your duties as my new First Assistant and the steps we’re taking to preserve the collections from the flood damage, as soon as we can.”

  Having no interest in hearing once again the same seminar given by Melvin Belli and Percy Foreman on many occasions, Demetrius was content to take his new scribe on a tour of the shelves of scrolls and other writings from antiquity – his favorites – until the guest speaker arrived.

  “I’d like to show you the new water-tight and ‘crush-proof’ chests I’m trying out to protect our most delicate materials,” Demetrius told Makalani as they walked away from the balcony. “The containers are made of some odd substance called titanium alloy.” Once again lowering his voice and leaning his head closer to Makalani, Demetrius murmured, “Since those auditors caused the flood and all these blasted leaks started… um, hmmm… what is that delightful spice scent…?”

  *

  “All right, folks, let’s settle down.” Percy Foreman looked out at the sea of faces representing the newest group of damned lawyers to enter Hell.

  “My name is Percy Foreman and my colleague here is Melvin Belli. We were two of the best lawyers on earth, in our respective fields during our lifetimes, and we’re here to acquaint you with the rules and requirements of hell’s Administration for all newly-damned lawyers.” Murmurs followed his statement. “I see some of you recognize one or both of our names,” he said, nodding at Belli. “Nice to know they still remember us back in the real world – or does that buzzing out there mean that some of you are confused to find yourselves here? After visiting with the Undertaker, you should be under no illusions about why you’re here....

  “For those of you who haven’t been through the official seminar before, it really will go much faster if you just let us get on with it, instead of asking the same pointless questions we’ve heard from all your predecessors…. But I don’t suppose that’s gonna stop any of ’em,” he stage-whispered to his colleague, Belli.

  “Before we get started, did everyone pick up a copy of the Orientation Manual for Newly-Damned Lawyers when you came in? You really want to hang on to those manuals. They’re the newest edition and can sync with your hellpads. They also have a new section that can automatically display the latest rulings.

  “The answers to your questions may be found in the manual, but in hell there is a certain fluidity affecting every aspect of existence, including the law. You’ll just have to learn as you go. Our job is to give out assignments, not read through every rule and regulation in the manual. It’s up to you to study the nit-picky details … in your ‘spare’ time,” he chuckled.

  As the first arms began waving enthusiastically in the audience, Foreman sighed, rubbing his hand over his large, mostly bald, head. He turned to Belli, saying quietly, “It never fails.” Raising his voice he turned back to his audience, “Gentlemen and ladies, please; give us a chance to explain a few things before you start demanding answers to individual questions…. Thank you.”

  “Now, because I practiced criminal defense law – rather successfully, I might add – I will handle assignments for all the civil, estate, merger and acquisition, intellectual property, entertainment, corporate and any other non-criminal specialists.”

  At this announcement, confused looks appeared on faces in the crowd and several people looked around to see if they had heard correctly.

  Foreman, the big Texan, grinned maliciously. “That’s right, and if you practiced criminal law, whether in defense or prosecution, our Mr. Belli here, who was known as the ‘King of Torts,’ will handle your assignments.

  “This is how it works down here: every newly-damned lawyer has to serve a probationary period working for the Administration, in whatever field of law he or she knew the least about on earth. How well you learn the material, find convenient loopholes for the Administration and how quickly you pick up on the way things function in hell, will determine how long it is before you can go into private practice for yourself or join an existing firm… That is, if you don’t get killed and have to start over at the bottom, so to speak.” Foreman and Belli guffawed loudly, giving each other high-fives, while their audience members looked either appalled or outraged.

  Melvin Belli took the podium, an imposing figure in his custom-tailored suit, Italian shoes, silk tie and polished cotton shirt when compared to Foreman in his ill-fitting, off-the-rack outfit.

  The newly-damned lawyers were already beginning to fawn, hoping to influence their placement: they greeted Belli with a smattering of polite applause.

  Belli began, “A rare treat is in store for today’s class. We have a visiting lecturer from on high: Mister Justice Benjamin Cardozo, who replaced Oliver Wendell Holmes on the U.S. Supreme Court, where he served thereafter until nineteen thirty-eight. Some of his decisions and opinions regarding corporate responsibility and negligence created the tort laws that made me so famous… and rich!

  “He will attempt to enlighten you on things you might have done to avoid this place. Who knows? Maybe if you pay attention, you might someday – way down the line – become eligible for manumission by Altos, Hell’s own volunteer angel (his friends call him Just Al), who is escorting Justice Cardozo today. But don’t count on it.

  “Justice Cardozo was renowned for his emphasis on the purpose of law, his insightful descriptions of the relationship between the policy and the practice of law, and especially noted for his concern for fairness in justice – something we don’t have to worry about down here. Benjamin Cardozo was considered a ‘lawyer’s lawyer’ and later a ‘judge’s judge,’ with good reason, so you might want to pay attention.”

  As befitting the occasion, Belli composed his face into its most humble expression (one with which he was not particularly familiar) and raised his voice: “All rise for the Honorable Justice Benjamin Cardozo.”

  His audience rose simultaneously, each having learned on earth to spring to his or her feet like a jack-in-the-box at the words ‘all rise.’ They stood quietly while the distinguished, white-haired Cardozo was escorted into the room by an ethereal being in a glowing white robe, with the most beautiful face any of them had ever seen. The scent of a soft summer day wafted into the room as the two newcomers entered.

  “Thank you, Altos,” said Cardozo as he stepped to the lectern, “I’ll keep this brief so the elevator doesn’t have to wait too long.”

  “Not at all, sir. Take your time �
�� we have a lot of it,” said Altos, smiling.

  *

  “Please be seated, ladies and gentlemen,” began Justice Cardozo. His piercing gaze swept across the room and into each soul among the convened newly-damned lawyers.

  “In nineteen twenty-one, I wrote: ‘The law has outgrown its primitive stage of formalism when the precise word was the sovereign talisman, and every slip was fatal. It takes a broader view today.’ I see no reason to change my opinion, even after all these years.

  “From reading the Register listings for some of today’s attendees, it appears many of you never were exposed to my lecture series from Yale University. You believed the purpose of practicing law was to make sure your client would be able to get the upper hand in any dispute, by manipulating language to ensure a ‘win’ – whether your client actually deserved to win or not – and, not incidentally, make sure your client could afford your enormous fees.”

  Shaking his dignified head he continued, “I believed that, whenever possible, courts should attempt to instill fairness in an unclear dispute by analyzing and interpreting it to cover situations the parties may not have provided for specifically, in order to ensure a fair result. What seems to have happened, since my time, unfortunately, is that particular legal philosophy has become unimportant to some jurists and generally denigrated by the legal profession.”

  There commenced a shuffling of feet, ducking of heads, crossing of legs, shifting of chairs, whispers and other indications of unease in the audience.

  Justice Cardozo raised his voice slightly, “But you people – you each made it your life’s work to revise wording in contracts, laws, legislation and court documents; you made use of every loophole you could find or create and took advantage of, for instance, every ‘may’ that should have been a ‘shall’ or other ambiguous wording, to ensure triumph for whoever paid you, without regard for the inherent ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ of the situation. Well, that is why you’re here – that and your consistent disavowal of the principles of fairness. You will now learn humility by seeing how it feels to lose, again and again – especially if you continue your previous behavior in this realm. While it may have benefited you financially and materially in your time on earth, things just don’t work the same way in hell.