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The Shoplifters

Page 2

by Morris Panych


  DOM

  No sir.

  OTTO

  When you run around shouting like that, in the middle of the store like that, all you’re doing is stopping the wrong people from doing the right things. You know what’s going on out there?

  DOM

  Where?

  OTTO

  Out – there?

  DOM

  Vice is what’s going on.

  OTTO

  Is that what you see? Vice?

  DOM

  An epidemic.

  OTTO

  Did I say that before? Don’t quote back to me things I didn’t say before. What I said was, we live in a world of have and have not. I think I said it over by the specialty foods, because whenever I’m over in the specialty foods I think about people in other parts of the world.

  DOM

  I remember, yeah.

  OTTO

  And we are here to remind people what they don’t have, they can’t have by just stuffing it into their jackets; the imbalances of the world cannot be corrected by a can of stolen tuna. And in a quiet and orderly way, we just induce them to please return the items from whence they were absconded, and walk away the better for it.

  DOM

  Is that why you told me not to stop them?

  OTTO

  Did I say not to stop them?

  DOM

  You said –

  OTTO

  It’s not just about stopping; it’s how we stop them. We represent the conscience, Dom. This new uniform, as ugly and ill fitting as it may be, speaks to the higher nature of human conduct. When some person dares to strike out at the world by sticking a frozen cheesecake into their backpack or whatever, we are here to remind them that there is a better way. You might want to unclench your fists a little.

  DOM

  I can’t help it.

  OTTO

  I know, and I understand. It’s hard to accept that there is wrong in the world, but we’re not just talking about some ladies with steaks up their dresses. Who are the real thieves? Ask yourself. We don’t have to do this, you know. Let people steal. Personally, I hate this fucking job. I could be doing something else with my fucking life. I could be out there –

  DOM

  Where?

  OTTO

  There!

  DOM

  I thought they were letting you go.

  OTTO

  I didn’t tell you that. Who told you that?

  DOM

  It’s why you’re training me in.

  OTTO

  I told you we had philosophical differences is what I told you. Letting me go? I’m letting them go. The kid takes a bottle of rubbing alcohol . . . rubbing alcohol. Is it Armageddon?

  DOM

  What kid?

  OTTO

  They hire you to guard the fucking merchandise, but are they down here, on the front lines, making these life-and-death, on-the-spot decisions? You know who’s making these decisions?

  DOM

  Us?

  OTTO

  You know what? Sometimes when I ask a question you don’t always have to answer it.

  Beat.

  Alma . . .

  DOM

  Should we go get them from the holding area?

  OTTO

  Who? No, let them sit in that locker for a while. Work up a sweat.

  DOM

  How? It’s eight degrees.

  OTTO

  We’ll let them just think about what they’ve done. You know what I’m saying?

  DOM

  Sir?

  OTTO

  Don’t call me “sir.” What?

  DOM

  I’ve been meaning to say –

  OTTO

  Don’t say you’ve “been meaning to say,” just say.

  DOM

  We did not clearly identify ourselves.

  OTTO

  When?

  DOM

  When we apprehended the suspects. We did not clearly identify ourselves as security providers.

  OTTO

  Here we go again with their rules! What do they think this is? Water polo? Or that fucking game with the weird bats that sounds like a – an insect?

  DOM

  And why aren’t we calling the police? I thought –

  OTTO

  That just narrows the scope of this investigation. The police walk in and bam, it’s over, Dom. Case closed.

  DOM

  Don’t we want it closed?

  OTTO

  It’s a door, Dom, you open it, see what’s on the other side. Without knowledge, Dom, without knowledge, what are we? Just . . . some guys guarding a store. Of course, now you’ve complicated the situation by, you know, catching these two –

  DOM

  That’s right.

  OTTO

  Let’s just go back to the beginning. You saw her put the meat under there.

  DOM

  I didn’t see anything.

  OTTO

  No?

  DOM

  I didn’t see her conceal the meat. I was just using my – you know?

  OTTO

  No.

  DOM

  The other one, she was walking in an unwieldy manner, so I used my intuition.

  OTTO

  Who asked you to use that?

  DOM

  I just wanted to make an impact here.

  OTTO

  Oh you did that, all right. We don’t have a case now.

  DOM

  What about the cameras?

  OTTO

  They were in a blind spot. We don’t have a case.

  DOM

  So we build a case.

  OTTO

  What are you talking about? How? How do we do that?

  DOM

  Give me one more try with her.

  OTTO

  Look, Dom, it’s your first catch – and congratulations, you caught a big one, and on your first shift and everything – but we don’t have a case if you didn’t see it happen.

  DOM

  You can’t just let them go.

  OTTO

  Who’s letting anybody go? It’s a bad stop. They could sue us for holding them without evidence. If we let them go now, we’re done for. We need a confession.

  DOM

  Maybe they’re holding more evidence. Maybe we need to search them.

  OTTO

  We can’t search them. We can’t do anything. Unless they actually confess –

  DOM

  I’ll get a confession.

  OTTO

  Look at you; you’re like a gun ready to go off. I’m taking over from here. Besides, I was the one who spotted her.

  DOM

  But you didn’t even think they were walking all that funny.

  OTTO

  In this neighbourhood, everybody walks funny.

  He weakens.

  Oh boy.

  DOM

  Are you okay, sir?

  OTTO

  Okay? I’ve been doing this job for thirty fucking years. Thirty! Go talk to her friend.

  DOM

  I won’t lose my cool this time.

  OTTO

  Just do what I do. Look at them through softened eyes. Like this.

  He demonstrates.

  DOM

  What does that do?

  OTTO

  It’s a relaxation thing. I’m using it to reduce my stress. The job, the changes, when I need calming and mindfulness – you know, in order not to – Jesus. I think I’m having a heart attack.

  DOM

  I think I’m having one, too. My heart’s just, practically –

  OTTO

  This is a blood-pressure situation.

  DOM

  I know CPR.

  DOM approaches OTTO, open mouthed.

  OTTO

  What are you –

  DOM

  I just –

  OTTO

  I’m fine for the moment, thanks. I can breathe on my own. Just sometime
s – with all the pressure –

  DOM

  Yeah, the pressure –

  OTTO

  We don’t want to –

  DOM

  We don’t want to fly off the handle and kill anyone.

  OTTO

  What?

  DOM

  All I’m saying –

  OTTO

  Yeah, well – don’t say that. That’s not –

  DOM

  Not –

  OTTO

  We’ll just – we’ll leave them alone for a few more minutes.

  DOM

  Let them reflect on God and his commandments.

  OTTO

  Something like that.

  DOM

  Not let them pee.

  OTTO

  Yeah, well that’s –

  DOM

  No woman can stand being away from a restroom for too long.

  OTTO

  I guess not.

  DOM

  We’ll show them how it’s done. Right, Otto?

  OTTO

  This is how it’s done. With reason and good judgment and, who knows, maybe even a little humanity. Because without that, without that –

  DOM

  Sure.

  Beat.

  DOM

  Have we got any duct tape?

  Blackout. In silhouette, DOM and OTTO exit, returning a moment later with ALMA and PHYLLIS, a nervous thirty-two-year-old dressed as stylishly as she can afford. The two men seat the women at either end of the table, then leave, locking the door.

  Scene Three

  PHYLLIS rocks back and forth in her chair, uncomfortable, shivering. ALMA watches her.

  ALMA

  Look at you, shaking all over.

  PHYLLIS

  What do they think we are, a couple of heads of lettuce?

  ALMA

  You’re going to fuck this up you carry on like this.

  PHYLLIS

  I can’t go to jail.

  ALMA

  Just don’t admit to anything.

  PHYLLIS

  You said we wouldn’t get caught.

  ALMA

  Getting caught is part of the deal. You ever played poker with those Greek guys at Stamos? You gotta play it like it doesn’t matter.

  PHYLLIS

  You never said it was part of the deal.

  ALMA

  I’m saying it now. You and your limping.

  PHYLLIS

  It’s my condition.

  ALMA

  Well, your condition brings on my condition, so don’t talk to me about your condition.

  PHYLLIS

  I should’ve gone to work this morning.

  ALMA

  Let me tell you something, Phyllis: you wouldn’t be saying that if we were sitting down to dinner right now eating those steaks.

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t need a steak.

  ALMA

  You don’t need a steak.

  She opens the butcher paper.

  Just look at this fucking thing. My God, that’s got to be two inches thick.

  They contemplate the steak for a moment.

  ALMA

  Can’t you just hear it sizzling away?

  PHYLLIS

  Why didn’t we stick with the plan?

  ALMA

  What plan?

  PHYLLIS

  Why did you have to go and order these special cuts from the butcher? That was the beginning of the end.

  ALMA

  The ones wrapped in plastic are the cheap cuts.

  PHYLLIS

  But they stick to your legs at least.

  ALMA

  That’s what the double-sided tape is for.

  PHYLLIS

  There was no more room up there.

  ALMA

  You only have a birthday once a year.

  PHYLLIS

  I should never have been born.

  ALMA

  Well, you were. Congratulations. And don’t you ever say that again, Phyllis, don’t even think it.

  PHYLLIS tries not to think it.

  ALMA

  Elevate yourself for once in your life.

  PHYLLIS

  How?

  ALMA

  Put your shoulders back, for God’s sake. Open up your chest. You are not a thief; stop acting like one.

  PHYLLIS

  I feel like one.

  ALMA

  That’s their intention.

  PHYLLIS

  What is?

  ALMA

  To put us in their little morality play. As if we have a choice in the matter.

  PHYLLIS

  Don’t we?

  ALMA

  Can you afford these?

  PHYLLIS

  So what’s going to happen?

  ALMA

  They’re going to ask us some questions, and we’re going to find a way not to answer them.

  PHYLLIS

  What about the police?

  ALMA

  Yeah, that’s what I’d like to know.

  PHYLLIS

  I’ll lose my job.

  ALMA

  This is a big operation here; they have to be careful what they do and what they don’t do, or they could find themselves facing a big, fat lawsuit. Nobody likes it when a giant corporation starts beating up on little old ladies.

  PHYLLIS

  I’m only thirty-two.

  ALMA

  So find another angle, work them. Tell them you have colitis. Tell them you’re from Bulgaria. Keep changing your story. They’ll come to realize that they’re getting nowhere by keeping us here; they don’t have our kind of commitment.

  PHYLLIS

  I’m no good at lying.

  ALMA

  It’s only lying if one person says it.

  PHYLLIS

  So what’s our story?

  ALMA

  First of all, we don’t know each other.

  PHYLLIS

  For how long?

  ALMA

  What do you mean, for how long?

  PHYLLIS

  Forever?

  ALMA

  Forever? We don’t know each other.

  PHYLLIS

  What if we knew each other in a former life?

  ALMA

  Seriously?

  PHYLLIS

  It’s possible.

  ALMA

  You and your former lives. Just try to get through this one.

  PHYLLIS

  It’s a continuum.

  ALMA

  Phyllis, trust me; when you die, you die.

  PHYLLIS

  How would you know?

  ALMA

  I’ll find out soon enough.

  PHYLLIS

  I thought you were better.

  ALMA

  At my age, you don’t get better.

  PHYLLIS

  But the test –

  ALMA

  I didn’t do the test. Must we get into this discussion right now? We have a situation here.

  PHYLLIS

  It was foretold all this would happen.

  ALMA

  Phyllis, a fortune cookie is not the most reliable scientific method for predicting the future.

  PHYLLIS

  “If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted.” All I’m saying. “Not extravagant.”

  ALMA

  Even your fortune cookies have diminished expectations. Anyway, it doesn’t apply because we took those; they have to follow an actual Chinese dinner.

  PHYLLIS

  And then there was my horoscope.

  ALMA

  Your guy, did he seem very smart to you?

  PHYLLIS

  No.

  ALMA

  Playing dumb. That’s smart.

  PHYLLIS

  Maybe he is dumb.

  ALMA

  If he was dumb, he’d be playing smart. That’s how it goes: opposites. This is a dumb move, putting us together like this. Which means
it’s a smart move. But how?

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t know.

  ALMA

  Why would they give us this opportunity to corroborate our story?

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t know.

  ALMA

  Why leave us with the steaks? They’re up to something, but what is it?

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t know.

  ALMA

  And why no police?

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t know.

  ALMA

  Phyllis, what you don’t know, Einstein couldn’t estimate. Something’s not right here. This guy –

  PHYLLIS

  I know one thing.

  ALMA

  What’s that?

  PHYLLIS

  You’re not as good a shoplifter as you think you are.

  ALMA

  I’m at the top of my game.

  PHYLLIS

  It was you who dropped the meat first.

  ALMA

  Because my legs started to sweat. And why was that, do you suppose?

  PHYLLIS

  I was making you nervous.

  ALMA

  You were walking around like a geisha.

  PHYLLIS

  The meat was slipping.

  ALMA

  Exactly. Yours would’ve fallen out anyway. I should’ve done this on my own.

  PHYLLIS

  I’m going to lose my mind in a second.

  ALMA

  Sure, that’s it. They want us to turn on each other.

  PHYLLIS

  How?

  ALMA

  Don’t you see, Phyllis? They appeal to our self-preservation instincts. You try to save your skin; I try to save my skin. So we turn on each other. It’s called plea bargaining.

  PHYLLIS

  I told him your name.

  ALMA

  You what?

  PHYLLIS

  He tricked me. He said, “Her name isn’t Violet, is it?”

  ALMA

  That’s a trick?

  PHYLLIS

  He said it loud, like “Violet.” Like a gunshot to the head.

  ALMA

  So now they have both our names.

  PHYLLIS

  You told them my name?

  ALMA

  No.

  PHYLLIS

  I wish there was a window we could climb out of.

  ALMA

  Listen to yourself. What would you be doing right now, if you weren’t here? Ask yourself.

  PHYLLIS

  Checking coats at my restaurant.

  ALMA

  It’s not your restaurant, just so you know.

  PHYLLIS

  I love my job.

  ALMA

  Not even a day off for your birthday.

  PHYLLIS

  It’s a good job.

  ALMA

  Is that so.

  PHYLLIS

  And there’s benefits, all kinds.

  ALMA

  Oh, you mean taking change out of people’s pockets.

  PHYLLIS

  Other things.

  ALMA

 

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