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The Shoplifters

Page 4

by Morris Panych


  PHYLLIS

  It’s called karma.

  DOM

  Well, I don’t know what that is.

  PHYLLIS

  It means if you do something bad, then the exact same bad thing will happen to you.

  DOM

  You’re talking about God’s wrath, that’s what you’re talking about.

  PHYLLIS

  I’m talking about karma. I’m talking about the universe paying you back for your evil actions.

  DOM

  That’s God. God pays you back, not the universe.

  PHYLLIS

  I don’t believe in God.

  DOM

  That’s insane. How can you not believe in God? He’s everywhere.

  PHYLLIS

  Is he here in this grocery store?

  DOM

  Especially in this grocery store.

  PHYLLIS

  This whole thing is a frame-up!

  DOM

  Phyllis, listen to me. “If thy right hand offend thee, Phyllis, cut it off!”

  PHYLLIS

  Cut off thy right hand?

  She runs around to the far side of the table. He chases after her.

  DOM

  “And cast it from thee, for it is profitable that one of thy members should perish –”

  PHYLLIS

  Perish?

  She throws chairs in his path and breaks for the door.

  Help!

  DOM

  “And not that thy whole body shall be cast into hell!”

  Exits.

  PHYLLIS

  (from off) Help!

  Blackout. In silhouette, the door opens and ALMA is escorted into the room by OTTO. He seats her and leaves again, locking the door.

  Scene Five

  ALMA is sitting alone. She notices the cake ingredients PHYLLIS left on the table. She inspects the sugar and then stuffs it in her purse. She does the same with the bottle of oil and then drops her purse under the table. A moment later, OTTO unlocks the door. He enters with an empty glass and a bottle of water, setting them both down on the table. He sits.

  OTTO

  Here’s your water. Every time you say something useful, I’ll pour you some. Later, when you’ve told me everything, you can drink it.

  ALMA

  So, what did the butcher say?

  OTTO

  Enough.

  ALMA

  Why did you have me stand so far away?

  OTTO

  He needed some perspective.

  ALMA

  I was married to a man like you.

  OTTO

  Is that so?

  He pours a little water, slowly.

  ALMA

  Thought he was tough.

  OTTO

  Not as tough as you, I’m guessing.

  ALMA

  You ever been married? I’m thinking no.

  OTTO

  Why did you take the steaks?

  ALMA

  What do you care?

  OTTO

  Call me curious.

  ALMA

  You wanna talk about stealing? Who stole the American dream? Look at us: you and me. Fighting over what? You ever seen that documentary – they showed this documentary on TV – about a shrinking watering hole –

  OTTO takes a pill from his pocket and downs it with the water.

  ALMA

  There’s this drought in Africa somewhere, and all these animals – baboons and wildebeests and little baby impalas – are forced to go down and drink from a watering hole that’s filled with crocodiles, because there’s no other water; it’s a drought, see. The crocodiles just sit there and wait, and when the other animals get close enough, the crocodiles leap up and grab them in their jaws and drag them down. You should see that documentary; it’s instructive.

  OTTO

  You think I’m dragging you down with my jaws?

  ALMA

  Are you kidding? You and me, we’re both drinking from that dirty swamp, fighting for our little space, pushing each other and jostling for a place at the water’s edge, because the whole savannah has dried up. Get it? Maybe I’m a wildebeest and maybe you’re a baboon, and we’re fighting each other for a little sip of water. Not even realizing that we’re both just a feast for the crocodiles.

  OTTO

  Sorry I missed that program.

  He takes another pill.

  ALMA

  What are those?

  He drinks.

  OTTO

  Nothing.

  ALMA

  You take pills for nothing? What are you, a celebrity?

  He pours a little more water.

  ALMA

  Is this the pee torture? It won’t work on me. I’m invincible.

  OTTO

  Your friend says you have cancer.

  ALMA

  She says a lot of things, and she’s not my friend.

  OTTO

  You’re right, she does say a lot of things. For one thing, when you dropped the merchandise out of your dress, she said, and I quote, “I don’t know her.” As a matter of fact, she didn’t just say it, she yelled it at the top of her lungs. Now, who do you suppose she was talking about?

  ALMA

  Me?

  OTTO

  Well, see, that’s what I was thinking. Since you were standing right next to her.

  ALMA

  As it turns out, she’s right, she doesn’t know me.

  OTTO

  And yet, this morning, according to Phyllis, you came here together on the bus.

  ALMA

  And you believe her?

  OTTO

  Listen, I know you have a busy schedule –

  ALMA

  I can spare you a few more minutes.

  OTTO

  Great, because I just need to draw together a few facts here, to see how they fit.

  ALMA

  You’d have to draw together more than a few facts to make them all fit, Otto. You’d have to look at the whole structure of the market economy. And I’m not sure we have the time for that.

  OTTO

  The thing is, on further questioning, the woman you don’t know said you live in the same housing project. She said you first met a few years ago at a laundromat nearby. She said that some man had yelled at her and threatened her, for no reason, and when he was gone you casually took his clothes out of the dryer, brought them to a consignment store around the corner, sold them, came back, and gave her half the money.

  ALMA

  I wonder why she would say that.

  OTTO

  She said that these days you run a little street-vending enterprise: set up a little table outside your complex and sell sandwiches, for cheap, so people around there can afford them. You’re a bit of a hero, she says, in the neighbourhood. I’m just wondering where you get the ingredients for those discount sandwiches.

  ALMA

  Is this really relevant?

  OTTO

  Sure, forget it. Why don’t we just stick to the case? I mean, we can talk all we like about the market economy and crocodiles and cheap sandwiches, but, in the end, it’s just two shoplifters, right? Let’s go.

  ALMA

  I think it’s time we struck a bargain here, Otto. I’ll tell you what, if you let us both go, with the steaks, we will agree not to press charges. How does that sound?

  OTTO

  Charges?

  ALMA

  Uttering threats? Wrongful detainment?

  OTTO tries to control his breathing.

  OTTO

  Nobody’s uttered any threats.

  ALMA

  It’s your word against mine.

  OTTO

  You better come up with something better than that.

  ALMA

  Okay, then how about this? We further agree that she never sets foot in this store again.

  OTTO

  And you?

  ALMA

  I’m nobody.

  OTTO

 
Not to me.

  He holds himself for a second from dizziness.

  ALMA

  You all right?

  OTTO

  Do you know how many months I have watched you work? How many times I have seen you carefully select your way through the cheeses? Or boldly slip packages of sliced ham under your arms? How many jars of mustard I have witnessed you stuff into that dirty old purse of yours?

  ALMA

  You didn’t stop me, though, did you?

  OTTO

  Maybe I was waiting for you to stop yourself.

  ALMA

  So why today then?

  OTTO

  My trainee got a little carried away. And let’s just say you didn’t help the situation by getting so particular, all of a sudden, with your shopping choices.

  Beat.

  You couldn’t just stick with ordinary merchandise?

  ALMA

  Sometimes – just every little once in a while – ordinary won’t do.

  He opens the paper.

  OTTO

  How were you going to cook these? In a peppercorn sauce?

  ALMA

  Sometimes you just need a little more.

  OTTO

  In all my time here, I have never eaten a steak like this. You know why?

  ALMA

  Ethical issues?

  OTTO

  I can’t afford it.

  ALMA

  Is that why you’re keeping me here?

  OTTO

  Is it just greed, Alma? I’m trying to put things together, that’s all.

  ALMA

  I’ll be dead before you can do that.

  OTTO

  Is that so?

  ALMA

  We can only hope.

  OTTO

  Do you really have cancer? Not that it matters.

  ALMA

  You’re right. It doesn’t matter. You know what matters? Living a little.

  OTTO

  You’re not living?

  ALMA

  I am right now. And what exactly has greed got to do with anything?

  OTTO

  I don’t know, we were talking about how there might actually be a legitimate reason for stealing.

  Beat.

  Things were just fine around here until you decided to take it to another level. Now look where we are.

  Walkie-talkie.

  What now? Where the hell are you?

  Walkie-talkie.

  What’s that?

  Walkie-talkie.

  Well, find her, for fuck’s sake, before the manager does.

  He breathes heavily.

  ALMA

  The manager doesn’t know about any of this? I’d say you’re in pretty deep.

  OTTO

  She won’t get far.

  ALMA

  I don’t know. She has fear on her side.

  OTTO

  And I’ve got you.

  ALMA

  Then you got nothing. I’m just an innocent bystander, watching the whole world rob itself blind.

  OTTO

  Except when you go out to steal it for yourself.

  ALMA

  You think this all comes down to what’s right and what’s wrong?

  OTTO

  It comes down to what you did. And why.

  ALMA

  Where do we start?

  OTTO

  Let’s start with the truth, how about that? The truth.

  ALMA

  What truth?! That my hunger is used as a weapon against me?

  OTTO

  Hunger?

  ALMA

  Yes, hunger.

  He picks up the meat.

  OTTO

  Here. Eat this steak!

  ALMA

  What?

  OTTO

  You heard me.

  He stands and approaches her.

  You hungry?

  ALMA

  You bet I am!

  OTTO

  Then, here. Go ahead. Eat it.

  He shoves it in her face. She backs around the table away from him.

  OTTO

  You wanna talk about crocodiles? Feed on this!

  ALMA

  Get that away from me.

  OTTO

  What? Not thick enough? Not juicy enough for you?

  ALMA

  Have you lost your mind?

  OTTO

  Yes. Now take a bite out of it!

  ALMA

  Or what?

  He slams the meat on the table and produces his stun gun.

  OTTO

  Or I’ll introduce 950,000 volts into your nervous system!

  ALMA

  Go right ahead.

  OTTO

  Yeah? You want some heat?

  ALMA

  Give it to me, baby! What the fuck do I care?

  She exposes her cleavage.

  OTTO

  (backing away) Just who are you?

  ALMA

  Let’s find out! Right here. Right now! What’s wrong?

  OTTO

  (faltering) I feel weird.

  ALMA

  Sit down. Take it easy.

  He sits.

  ALMA

  Take it easy.

  OTTO

  I’m fine.

  ALMA

  You’re not fine. You’re overexcited. Look at you. You’re overexcited. Unbutton your shirt a little.

  She loosens his tie, undoes a button.

  OTTO

  It’s the air in here. There’s no air in here.

  ALMA

  Breathe.

  OTTO

  I’m breathing.

  ALMA

  This is crazy. Killing yourself for a supermarket outlet, for a fucking piece of meat.

  She brandishes the meat.

  For this!

  She slams the meat on the table.

  OTTO

  That’s right: killing myself.

  ALMA

  What is this really about?

  OTTO

  It’s about standing up for something.

  ALMA

  Don’t stand.

  OTTO

  I’m not going to stand.

  ALMA

  You think I don’t have principles, just because they don’t happen to be yours? Look at me, Otto! You think I don’t have a beating heart in here? This here is desire, Otto. This is me in here, grabbing for something. Something that’s owed to me, goddammit.

  OTTO

  Steaks?

  ALMA

  Life! You know what that is, to grab for life? To take back even just sixteen ounces!

  A beat. They see each other. They kiss passionately.

  ALMA

  Jesus, I’m too old for this.

  OTTO

  Me too.

  They kiss some more. Blackout.

  Act Two

  Scene One

  Some moments later. The stun gun is on the floor at one end of the empty room. Suddenly, a loud ruckus outside. The door flies open and DOM wrestles PHYLLIS, still handcuffed, into the room.

  DOM

  Sit down!

  PHYLLIS

  Help!

  DOM

  Don’t ever try that again.

  PHYLLIS

  Oh God.

  DOM

  Can we just, please, conduct this investigation without you running through the warehouse like a crazy person? Who’s going to clean up that watermelon? Just –

  He tries breathing.

  PHYLLIS

  What’re you doing with your eyes?

  DOM

  I am focusing my wrath!

  DOM

  Don’t move. (into walkie-talkie) Otto?

  PHYLLIS

  You said you were going to cut off my hand!

  DOM

  It’s from the Bible. It’s a saying. (into walkie-talkie) Otto?

  PHYLLIS

  It doesn’t sound like a saying, it sounds like a doing.

  DOM

  It
means you need to cast aside those things that do you bad in your life.

  PHYLLIS

  My hand?

  DOM

  Your friend Alma. (into walkie-talkie) Dom here, over.

  PHYLLIS

  Why? Where is she? Tell me what you’ve done with her.

  DOM

  You need to stay put for your own safety and the safety of others.

  She notices the stun gun on the floor and goes to pick it up.

  PHYLLIS

  Fine, I’m going to sit down.

  DOM wrestles her into a chair, not noticing the stun gun, which PHYLLIS has managed to push under the table.

  DOM

  Just –

  PHYLLIS

  I’m –

  DOM

  I want to talk to you, I want to explain something.

  PHYLLIS

  So explain.

  He speaks in confidence.

  DOM

  Ask yourself: why do you steal?

  PHYLLIS

  I told you, I have colitis.

  DOM

  And why do you lie?

  PHYLLIS

  Why are you whispering?

  DOM

  Because, Phyllis, this is a special day for you. God has intervened in your life. I know that because this is how he once intervened in mine.

  PHYLLIS

  You were stealing meat?

  DOM

  No, Phyllis. I was going to hang myself.

  PHYLLIS

  Really?

  DOM

  Not really. I was maybe going to go home and murder my foster parents, and possibly some other people who lived in the basement, and then maybe hang myself. But something happened, something very special. Somebody at school punched me in the face so hard that my eye popped right out of my head. Sit still while I’m talking to you.

  PHYLLIS

  I told you, my feet are sore.

  DOM

  Listen to me. So they rushed me to the hospital and while I was waiting a man told me about Jesus. He didn’t actually tell me about Jesus, he was just saying “Jesus” over and over again, because he had a piece of glass stuck in his neck. See? “Jesus,” he was saying.

  PHYLLIS

  Because he had a piece of glass in his neck.

  DOM

  It doesn’t matter how you receive it, Phyllis, it’s still a message.

  PHYLLIS

  Yeah?

  DOM

  Bad things happen for a good reason.

  PHYLLIS

  You lost your eye?

  DOM

  They popped it right back in. It’s a little –

  PHYLLIS

  Yeah, it is.

  PHYLLIS tries to draw the stun gun toward her with her foot.

  DOM

  The point is, if I hadn’t been in the hospital that day, I would never have got that message about Jesus, but I put it all together. God never deserts us; he watches over us all the time, only we almost would never know it. Like the closed-circuit cameras in this store, they’re everywhere, watching over us, unless we’re in a blind spot.

 

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