Bears of Burden: HUTCH

by Candace Ayers

  I heard a knock at my door. I wondered if it was my father. I wanted to be petulant and not let him in—he’d agreed to this, after all—or my mother, who hadn’t fought against it. She’d only looked at him with her pale, drawn face and inhaled a rattling breath before turning away. It was winter, and she had pneumonia again.

  The knock came again, lighter this time. “Come in,” I said finally, turning away from the window.

  It was my mother. She smiled faintly at me as she walked in and sat on the edge of my bed. I suddenly felt a wash of sadness, looking at it. I’d lived in this room for my whole life. It had been a nursery, and then a little girl’s room, and then a teenager’s bedroom, and now the bedroom of a young woman. There were hints of every stage still sprinkled around—the pale pink paint on the walls that we’d never bothered to repaint, even though I didn’t really care for pink; the stuffed animal I’d clung to as a five-year-old; the faded poster of a band I’d listened to in tenth grade and hated now; the very adult bedspread my mother was sitting on now, a dark red quilt with wildflowers sprinkled into the pattern matching pillows. My grandmother had made it for me. She’d said she was saving it for my wedding, but had given it to me on my eighteenth birthday with a wink, saying she didn’t think that happy occasion would be coming around anytime soon. She’d died just last year.

  I was suddenly glad of it. I was glad she wasn’t here to see the occasion that was leading to my marriage.

  My mother’s voice broke me out of my reverie. “We’re going wedding dress shopping tomorrow, Anna.”

  “I don’t want to.” My voice was sullen and childish even to my ears, but I could hardly bring myself to care.

  “Anna.” Her voice was soft, but it was more firm than I’d heard it in a very long time.

  “Anna, your father doesn’t want to distress you anymore than you already are with this news, but I think you must know the whole truth. Dimitri is determined to have you as his wife. It is his price for the mistake your father made.”

  “But surely he doesn’t actually expect that I will go along with this?”

  “If you do not agree, if you force your father to deny Dimitri what he has asked for—and you know your father will not ever force you to do anything you truly do not want to do—he will kill your father and marry you anyway.”

  I heard her voice catch. “Anna, you know I could never want you to be unhappy. But there is no way out of this. This is the only way for everyone to come out of this alive.”

  “Why didn’t he just ask for Dimitri’s help?” I whispered softly. “Dimitri would have helped us.”

  My mother sighed, her fingers knotting in her lap. “It was a mistake, Anna,” she repeated. “If you truly believe Dimitri is such a good man, that he would have helped us if your father had asked, then you must believe that he will treat you well. He promised your father he would not touch you unless you consent, that it will be a marriage in name only, for as long as you want it to be.”

  “That will be forever, then!” I snapped, my temper flaring up. “How could he possibly think I would ever want to let him touch me after forcing me into this?”

  It felt strange to talk about things like this, even so vaguely, with my mother. I had plenty of friends who talked about it nonstop, all of whom had slept with multiple men. I was an outlier, the one girl who had a working knowledge of how sex worked but hadn’t actually done it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to…there had just never been anyone who made me feel the way the characters in the books I read felt. No one who made my heart beat fast and knees go weak, who made me feel as if I would die if he didn’t touch me. I wanted that for my first experience, that heady sensation that the pages of my books described. I didn’t want the painful, awkward fumbling that my friends had talked about, the mediocre encounters afterward. I wanted passion, and desire, and romance.

  Now it seemed none of that would ever happen for me.

  I knew, no matter how much I flirted with the idea, that I could not turn Dimitri down. My father would never force me to go through with it, but I believed my mother when she said that Dimitri would have him killed and marry me anyway. I did not have a choice.

  “What time do you want me up tomorrow?” I asked finally, resigned.

  “I called a friend who owns one of the boutiques nearby. She set us up for a 10 a.m. appointment.”

  She stood up, smoothing the comforter where she’d been sitting. “You should get some sleep, Anna. Tomorrow will be a long day.” She kissed me softly on the cheek, and I could see the deep furrows in her brow. I knew she was putting on a brave face for me. I also knew that she was terrified that I would try to refuse, and get my father killed.

  I wanted desperately to refuse, but I wouldn’t take that chance.

  ---

  When my alarm went off the next morning, I’d barely slept. I blearily stumbled into the shower, letting the hot water soothe the aches that had come from a restless night of tossing and turning.

  I couldn’t find the energy to get dressed up or put on makeup, as if this were some wonderful occasion. I pulled on a pair of black leggings and flat boots, with a long black fleece sweater, and twisted my long brown hair up at the back of my head. Taking a glance in the mirror, I added a touch of lip stain, just to help mitigate the paleness of my face. I looked almost like a vampire myself, blanched white with dark circles under my eyes.

  We ate breakfast in silence. I tried to swallow a few bites of the oatmeal my mother had made, but I could hardly force it down. A sudden knock came at the door, and we all jumped in unison. My mother started to get up, but my father waved his hand at her. “I’ll get it.”

  I heard a deep, low voice at the door, and for a wild moment I thought Dimitri had come to visit. But it was bright daylight outside, and when my father shut the door a few moments after the visitor arrived, I knew it wasn’t him.

  My father walked back to the table and set two black boxes and an envelope in front of me. “From Dimitri,” he said flatly, and took his seat again.

  My fingers shook as I went to open the envelope. Inside was a sheet of beautiful, creamy stationery, and the writing in it was in a firm, bold, elegant hand.

  My dearest Anna,

  I know that the events of last night must have come as a terrible shock to you. I also know that you would not choose this for yourself, and although I must insist that you follow through, lest I be forced to take more drastic action, I wish you to know that I want only to make your life going forward as felicitous as it may possibly be. My staff is preparing the celebration for a month from today, and if there is anything at all that you desire, any wish for our wedding that you may have, you need only ask and it will be done. Your rooms here are already being prepared—you need only see me at mealtimes and events and other designated times. I have promised your father that I will not touch you or force your affections in any way, and that is a promise I intend to keep. I have been informed that you will be choosing a wedding gown today, and I have instructed that all costs shall be billed to me. I wish for you to have whatever you desire.

  Finally, while I cannot claim that it is a love token, please accept the accompanying gifts as tokens of my devotion to your happiness and well-being. They are family heirlooms, and it is my wish that you shall wear them in good health as my bride.

  I remain your devoted servant,

  Dimitri

  I laid the sheet of paper aside, and reached for the smaller black box. There was no sound from either of my parents as I cracked it open, and I couldn’t help the soft gasp that emerged from my mouth.

  Nestled in the black velvet cushion inside was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I had ever seen. It was a large marquis-cut diamond set in yellow gold, six carved, claw-like prongs curving up over the edges of the diamond to hold it in place. Two small rubies were set into the band on either side of the diamond. The gold had an antique, burnished patina to it, it was clearly hundreds of years old.

  My hands trem
bled as I slipped it onto my left ring finger. It fit perfectly, the upper point of the diamond reaching nearly to my knuckle. My hand felt weighted down, shackled.

  I reached for the second box, my heart pounding. I didn’t know what to expect, and when I lifted the lid off, my heart nearly stopped.

  Inside was a necklace of rubies, each several carats, set in halos of perfect, sparkling diamonds. And above, earrings to match.

  “It’s like…like the Queen’s jewelry, or something…” I whispered, touching one of the stones. He meant for me to wear this on our wedding day. As if I were to be his queen.

  “Anna, he is descended from an ancient Russian royal family. Those jewels are hundreds of years old.” My father’s voice was low, nearly a whisper. On my finger and on the table in front of me was more money than my father would ever make in his lifetime. I’d never seen anything so valuable up close, and I was meant to put them on. I hurriedly put the lid back on the box containing the necklace and earrings, but the weight of the ring on my finger wouldn’t let me forget. I glanced down at it again. For a moment, my traitorous heart skipped a beat. I’d never thought I’d touch anything so beautiful, let alone own it.

  But what a terrible price it came with.

  ---

  I was still in a daze when we arrived at the bridal boutique. My mother had clearly told her friend nothing of what had happened, because she was glowing when we walked through the doors.

  “Oh, Anna! What a surprise! How romantic! A whirlwind romance, is it? Are you…you’re not pregnant, surely?” Her voice dropped a few decibels, her eyebrows raising as if to say: children these days…

  I shook my head mutely. “She’s not pregnant,” my mother assured Brenna, her friend. “Just a whirlwind. It’s such an…unexpected match. But we are all so very happy for Anna and Dimitri.”

  Brenna’s eyes went so wide that I thought they might pop out of her face, and her gaze immediately went to my left hand. Her face flushed, and I worried for a moment she might faint.

  “Dimitri?” I couldn’t tell if she was pleased or furious. A moment later, I realized she was starstruck. And as I watched her eyes narrow, I realized she was also calculating the benefit to her business. She would be able to say she’d dressed Dimitri’s wife. I felt a flare of annoyance, and then mentally shrugged. At least someone was benefiting from this.

  Someone other than Dimitri.

  “I just want a simple dress,” I started. “Nothing flashy. Maybe not even white?”

  She was already shaking her head. To my dismay, so was my mother. “With that ring?” Brenna exclaimed. “No, simple won’t do at all. Where is the wedding being held?”

  I opened my mouth, realizing that I had no idea. My mother cut in smoothly. “At St. Patrick’s cathedral. In one month.”

  Brenna’s face was awash with confusion. “But he’s…isn’t he…” she lowered her voice conspiratorially, cutting her eyes towards me. “A vampire?” I could see from her face that she was imagining all sorts of salacious goings-on between Dimitri and me. I could only imagine what kind of gossip she’d be circulating after this.

  I could tell my mother was preventing herself from rolling her eyes only with great effort. “Now, Brenna, don’t tell me you believe all of those superstitions? That they’re creatures of the Devil and such. It’s foolishness, that’s all it is.”

  “But the Church says…”

  My mother waved a hand. “Bother what the Church says. Do you honestly think that Dimitri of all people won’t have what he wants?”

  Brenna’s eyes widened, and I felt a cold knot in the pit of my stomach. Yes, he would have what he wanted. Me, and a church wedding, and all of the fanfare he could drum up. A pageant to reaffirm his position as the most powerful man in the city. A warning for anyone else who would cross him.

  Brenna straightened, waving her hands in front of her face. “Alright, alright. Let’s get on with it then. Anna, that first dressing room is yours. I’ll take your measurements, and then I’ll start bringing you some gowns. What is your budget?”

  “It’s being billed to Dimitri,” my mother said, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket and handing it to Brenna. I hung back, feeling like a game piece, being pushed and pulled this way and that without any idea what was happening behind the scenes. “There is no budget,” my mother confirmed, and I saw that greedy light flare in Brenna’s eyes again.

  In a whirlwind, I was in the dressing room, being measured and then left shivering slightly as Brenna pulled dresses from the rack. She’d exclaimed over my figure, and then darted out, promising to bring back the most beautiful dresses I’d ever seen.

  I’d never really cared for shopping, and I hated trying on clothes. If anything, I preferred to shop online. But of course, a wedding dress wasn’t something I could do that with. And whatever the circumstances of my marriage, I didn’t want to deprive my mother of the opportunity to go dress shopping with her only daughter.

  On the rare occasion that I had thought about the day I might get married, I had always pictured it outside, maybe on the side of a mountain, and I had always seen myself wearing a flowing, bohemian style dress, all gauze and chiffon, and a long veil that would blow in the wind.

  I didn’t see anything like that in the stack of dresses that Brenna hauled into the dressing room. I obediently stepped into the first dress she pulled off of the hanger, and tried not to wince visibly as I saw myself in it. She clamped it firmly in the back and ushered me out.

  It was a full ballgown, plain white satin, and strapless. There was a massive bow at the back, and I looked desperately at my mother as I walked out. I felt like a cake topper.

  My mother bit her lip, and I could see she was trying not to laugh. There had never been a dress that was less “me”. “Maybe something a little more…elegant?” she suggested, and I could see the laughter still sparkling in her eyes. It relaxed me a little, and made it easier to pretend that this was an ordinary mother and daughter shopping trip.

  I lost track of how many dresses Brenna brought me. They all made me feel awkward, weighed down, and like an entirely different person. They were all layers of silk and satin and beading and crystals, and I was nearly in tears by the time Brenna—with considerably more frustration—helped me out of the fifteenth or so dress we’d tried on. It was all too much.

  I heard a soft rap at the edge of the door. “I found a few I’d like her to try on,” I heard my mother say, and her tone clearly said she wasn’t having any argument about it. I instantly felt my anxiety clear a little. She must have been looking while Brenna had been putting me in the last dress.

  I heard Brenna huff a sigh behind me, but she pushed the curtain aside and took the dresses out of my mother’s hand.

  The first one was an instant improvement. It was plain satin, strapless, with a softly fluted skirt and buttoned up the back. I felt lighter already. I stepped out, and I saw my mother breathe out. She’d been stressed for me, too.

  “You look beautiful,” she said. “But it might be too simple for this kind of wedding.” I agreed with her. “I don’t really like strapless,” I ventured, and both Brenna and my mother looked sharply at me. I realized it was the first time I’d really spoken for the entire appointment. All of the dresses I’d tried on so far had been strapless.

  “The other two I brought in have sleeves,” my mother said.

  I went back into the dressing room. The second dress had crystals around the waist, and I shook my head. “I don’t want any of the crystals or beading,” I said, feeling more confident in asserting my opinion now. After all, if I had to go through with this, shouldn’t I be able to choose what I wore?

  Brenna looked at me sharply, but took the third dress off of the hanger. It was the right size for me, too, so she was able to button it up instead of clamping it. I stepped out without looking in the dressing room mirror, wanting to see it in the large floor mirror. I crossed my fingers at my side and hoped it would be the one.

>   “Oh, Anna,” my mother breathed when I stepped out.

  I looked in the mirror, and my eyes widened.

  The dress was a dream. It was a soft antique white, made of smooth satin covered in embroidered lace from the bodice to the hem. The sleeves were elbow length and fringed in soft eyelash lace, the neckline was sweetheart, dipping just low enough to enhance the shape of my bust without being too daring. It buttoned from the nape of my neck to the end of the train, which swept out behind me in a luxurious sprawl of satin and lace. It looked elegant, and it matched the heirloom feel of the jewels Dimitri had given me perfectly.

  My mother came to stand next to me, and handed Brenna a veil she’d plucked off of the rack. It was cathedral length and raw-edged, exactly the type of veil I’d always pictured myself wearing.

  My mother slid the comb into my hair, and I felt tears pricking at the edge of my eyes. It seemed so unfair that this moment should be happening like this, preparing me for a marriage I didn’t want. I set my jaw firmly. I would simply have to not think about it, and try to extract what little happiness I could from the event.

  It was the only thing I could do.

  Chapter 3: Dimitri

  The month passed more swiftly than I could have imagined. I spent the days throwing myself into my work, trying to distract myself so that I wouldn’t think so often about how much I missed Bernard, and about the upheaval that was likely to happen when Anna came into the house. I could still see the look of betrayal in Raoul’s eyes when I’d told him of my decision to marry Anna. It wasn’t so much the official status of Anna as my wife that bothered him, I thought. Raoul and I had had a sort of ceremony, over a century ago, marking him as my partner, using the rituals of vampires for such things. To me, it meant more than the human ceremony I would go through with Anna in two days. Anna would be with me until death, but Raoul would be with me for eternity. There was a monumental difference, and I felt that he knew it.