A Baby on Her Christmas List

by Louisa George

  ‘Do you?’

  She looked surprised at his question. Probably because he’d kept his past to himself and never spoke about what he wanted for the future. But families and babies were something he definitely had an aversion to. No, not an aversion, just a deep desire not to go there. Ever.

  Her voice softened. ‘Since you always refuse to talk about anything deeper than what you had for lunch, I have to surmise. You have a track record of emotional avoidance. So I’ve always assumed that big loving, meddling, messy, happy families aren’t something on your wish list. In all honesty, you’d be the last person I’d ask. And, judging by your current reaction, I think I’m right.’

  * * *

  Liam’s face was all shadows and hollows. His blue eyes had darkened to navy. Only once before had Georgie seen him look so utterly haunted, and that had been the day they’d met and she’d forced him to work on that newborn.

  Later that night, when they’d gone for the first of many subsequent beers, the alcohol had made his tongue loose and he’d mentioned a family tragedy involving his sister, Lauren. But then had clammed up so tight Georgie had never been able to open him up to that particular hotspot conversation again. And since then he’d absorbed whatever it was that had thrown him off balance that day. Until now.

  His voice was low when he eventually spoke. ‘I just think you could have talked to me about it all first. Put more thought into it.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s possible, it’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks, turning scenarios over and over in my head.’ She watched as anger and hurt twitched through him until he wrestled it under control. Why couldn’t he just smile and pat her hand and say what a brilliant idea it was? Her words had obviously been a low blow. She’d always respected that he had his reasons for not wanting a family, even if he’d never really fronted up and explained why.

  Some support would have been nice, but hadn’t she heard this kind of story so many times at work? Babies, IVF and the sometimes desperate journey towards parenthood made strong couples stronger and weak ones fall apart.

  Then thank God she and Liam weren’t a couple because, judging by this conversation, they’d fall at the first hurdle.

  He was her friend, her closest friend in lots of ways; she always took his advice, always went to him with problems. And now she was all kinds of confused, needing time to think and reaffirm.

  She stood to leave. ‘Look, this was clearly a mistake. I’m going to go home so we can both take some time out. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined our Friday night. But, you know, I don’t know where we’d go from here. Trying to play your wingman and find a date for you with some poor unsuspecting woman just isn’t my idea of fun right now.’

  He tipped his glass towards her again, but he didn’t get up. Didn’t try to make her feel better. And he always tried to make her feel better.

  Which was why his opposition was spooking her more than she’d anticipated. Still, she’d made this decision and she was sticking with it.

  She had no choice. This was her life. Her chance.

  And to hell with him if he wasn’t going to be there right when she needed it most. She threw her wrap round her shoulders. ‘I’ll...I don’t know...see you later?’

  He watched her stand. He still didn’t move but his voice was more controlled as he gave her a small smile. ‘Heaven help us all when you start taking the hormone injections.’

  ‘Oh? Why?’

  ‘Aren’t they supposed to make you all antsy and volatile?’

  ‘What?’ She couldn’t bring herself to tell him she’d been taking them already. And, yes, she was being antsy. But it was his reaction that had made her like that, not the medications. ‘Maybe, just maybe you have royally pissed me off. And to add insult to injury, you’re now being condescending. Patronising.’

  ‘Just honest. As always.’ Yes, she supposed he was. One of things she relied on him for was his frank honesty. ‘So when is it all happening? The impregnating thing?’

  ‘So very clinical, Liam.’

  ‘Yes. Isn’t it?’

  ‘I was hoping it would be in the next couple of weeks if possible.’

  The glass in his hand hit the table with a crash. ‘What? So soon? You don’t mess around, do you? You don’t want to talk a bit more? At least listen to someone else’s opinion?’

  ‘And have you try to convince me against it? I don’t think so. I don’t need your negativity. It’s a chance, Liam. I need to take it.’

  For a few seconds he looked at her. Just stared at her. She couldn’t read him. The man she’d thought she knew pretty much inside and out, and she couldn’t even guess what he was thinking.

  After a torturous silence that seemed to increase the tension tenfold, he spoke, ‘Yes. Yes, you do. Take the chance, Geo.’ Now he stood up and walked her to the door. Once outside he didn’t wrap her in his usual goofy bear hug. Didn’t graze her cheek with a kiss and a smile. Didn’t give her a wink and make her laugh. ‘Let me know how you get on.’

  ‘Why? So you can make me doubt myself all over again?’

  He took her by the shoulders and his gaze bored into her. ‘Because I’m your friend, Georgie.’

  And then she ached for him to give her one of his hugs more than anything else in the world. But he turned away. Back towards the bar and the white noise that seemed to be mingling with his words and filling her head with doubts.

  What if he was right? What if this was the far side of crazy? What the hell did she know about family anyway? About parenting? It wasn’t as if she’d had any experience on either side of that particular fence. What if Malcolm didn’t follow through? What if he did?

  Worse, what if this rift meant that the friendship she had with Liam would be broken for ever? He was the closest thing she had to any notion of family, and the thought of not having him in her life made her suddenly feel empty and cold.

  Torn and confused, she climbed into a waiting cab and watched him retreat to the bar, his dark T-shirt straining across well-defined broad shoulders, and a gait that screamed defiance.

  And what the hell was going on with those pecs? The man had suddenly developed muscles of steel. Strange, too, that in the midst of all this turmoil she should even notice. That, and the shape of his lips, the way his mouth curved and softened as he smiled, which had been rare but welcome tonight. Those hormones were clearly playing havoc with her head.

  But judging by the sudden strange slick of heat that hit her breasts and abdomen—which surely must be a reaction to the muggy Auckland evening—they were messing with her body, too.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Mum’s had a stroke. Had to go back to UK. Don’t know for how long. Will keep you in the loop. Sorry. Can we have that meeting when I get back?

  SHUTTING THE IVF clinic room door, so she could have a moment to take it all in, Georgie stared at the text, her gut clenching. Bile rose to the back of her throat. She felt dizzy.

  And downright selfish.

  Inhaling deeply, she pulled herself together. For goodness’ sake, it wasn’t the end of the world, just the end of an opportunity. That was all. There would be another chance, next month or the month after. Some time. With a different donor.

  She should be feeling sorry for her boss, not herself.

  No worries, Malcolm. Safe journey. Sending hugs for your mum x

  And yet she felt as if her world was closing in on her, that she was fast running out of time and her dream was getting further out of reach. Scrolling through her texts, she found her conversation thread with Liam and started to type. Then stopped. She hadn’t heard a thing from him for four days, and even though she knew he’d be busy, catching up on everything at work, she felt a little lost. Normally he’d text her with funny stories from his shift, jokes, stuff. Just stuff. But ever since Friday she’d been hit by silence. And it hurt a little that he knew what she was going through but didn’t want to see how she was doing.

  Okay, it hurt a lot.

  So
maybe that would be the norm from now on. She didn’t want to think about that. But for the last few days it hadn’t been just his absence that had been on her mind. It had been that crazy tingly feeling that had swept through her body the other night, just looking at him. And then an out-of-proportion feeling of loss that he wasn’t being supportive. It was absurd. Seemed those meds made her overreact in lots of different ways.

  The clinic room phone interrupted her thoughts and brought her back to reality. ‘Georgie speaking.’

  It was Helen, the receptionist, and Georgie’s good friend. ‘I have a patient here, Kate Holland. Says she doesn’t feel too great. Can you see her straight away?’

  ‘Kate? Sure, I remember her, she was in just the other day. I’ll be right through.’ Helen rarely showed any kind of emotion, so the anxiety in her voice made Georgie take notice. Putting her own worries aside, she made sure the clinic couch was ready, opened up Kate’s notes on the laptop then collected her patient, who appeared noticeably short of breath, flushed and anxious.

  ‘Kate. What’s the problem? Are you okay?’

  ‘No. I feel pretty rubbish, actually. My stomach hurts and I’m so thirsty.’ For a toned and fit marathon runner Kate climbed onto the bed with a lot of effort.

  Alarm bells began to ring. Georgie settled the young woman against the pillow, silently counting the laboured respiratory rate. ‘You’ve been having the injections, right? Any other problems? Nausea? Vomiting?’

  Kate nodded. ‘Yes. Twice this morning and I feel really sick now. But so thirsty.’

  Georgie took her patient’s hand and measured her pulse. Fast and thready. Any number of scenarios raced through her mind. Fertility drugs had a tranche of usually mild and temporary side-effects, but when they were severe they could be life-threatening. ‘Peeing okay? If you can do us a sample, that’d be great.’

  ‘Not much at all. But I’ll try.’

  ‘Okay, when you next need to go, yell out.’ Giving Kate a quick examination and piecing together her patient’s history, Georgie reached a preliminary diagnosis. It wasn’t what either she or her patient wanted to hear. ‘How long have you felt like this?’

  ‘The past couple of days or so. I started feeling really sick yesterday.’ Kate gripped Georgie’s hand, her flushed face tight and scared. ‘But please don’t tell me we have to stop the injections. Please say we can do this. It’s our last chance.’

  Georgie gently encouraged her to lie back down, not wanting to upset her even more but realising that time was of the essence. ‘I know, Kate. I know. But don’t get ahead of yourself. I’ll quickly get the doctor to come check you over, he’ll probably suggest you have a short stay in hospital, just a few days or so, to check everything’s okay...’

  After the doctor had confirmed Kate’s diagnosis, Georgie arranged the next few steps. ‘Because you’re publicly funded, we’ll transfer you to the General Hospital gynae ward, that’s the closest to your home. They’ll look after you. I promise.’

  ‘What about the IVF? Will that happen now?’

  Georgie took her hand again. ‘Sweetheart, you remember the doctor saying you had something called OHSS? That’s our medical shorthand for ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome. That means your body has reacted very strongly to the drugs. You have too much fluid in your abdomen, which is why you’re out of breath. You’re dehydrated, but we need to watch how much fluid you drink because we don’t want you overloaded. You have a swollen red calf, which might mean you have a blood clot. We’ve arranged for some scans and a few more tests at the hospital. You need to rest and let your body heal before you do any more.’

  ‘We can’t afford any more. This is it, our last chance. Mark will be so disappointed. He’s been really positive this time round, we both have. We talked about a Christmas baby, he got so excited. He wants to be a dad so much.’ Fat tears rolled down Kate’s red cheeks and Georgie’s heart melted.

  Some people, such as Kate, were lucky enough to be eligible for publicly funded treatment for a limited number of cycles. Having already waited for months and had one failed attempt, this was indeed Kate’s last chance. She and her husband Mark had a low income and there was no way could they afford the high costs and even more time off work for private IVF. Life was so unfair sometimes.

  Georgie dealt with these scenarios in her job every day, and she’d always managed to keep a professional emotional distance, but today it felt deeply personal. She knew how desperate it was to have a ticking clock. And a chance that could be blown for any random reason. ‘We’ll do the best we can for you, Kate.’ But she wouldn’t make any promises. It wasn’t her style to give her patients false hope, no matter how much her heart ached in sync with them. ‘In the meantime, you have to get better.’

  If anything, it made Georgie more determined to grab her chance as soon as she could. Deciding to go through with it was the first step on what she knew was going to be a long road. She had no illusions as to the prospect of being a single pregnant woman, then a solo mother. It would be immensely rewarding. It would be hard. And with no one else to help shoulder the burden she knew there would be times she’d find it difficult to cope. But she would. She’d been on her own her whole life. She didn’t need anyone else. But needing and wanting were two different things.

  On days like these she’d usually ring Liam and have a whinge. Often he’d suggest a drink or a movie or something to cheer her up. But as he’d gone AWOL and she didn’t fancy another grim conversation, she’d do things differently tonight. He certainly wasn’t the only friend she had in the world.

  * * *

  ‘Okay, that’s me over and out. See you in the morning,’ Liam called to his secretary, then grabbed his work bag and made his way through the crowded ER to the exit. It had been one hell of a day, dealing with staff shortages, bus-crash casualties and the usual walk-ins. What he needed now was a sundowner at the local and an early night.

  The hospital doors swept open and he took his first breath of fresh air for eleven hours. It was tinged with a familiar fragrance that had him turning his head. She was standing way over to his left, half-hidden by a tall confident-looking man, and Liam would have missed her and walked by if he hadn’t caught that sweet, flowery scent.

  For some reason, as he saw her deep in conversation with a stranger, his heart hammered. Mainly, he suspected, because he’d bawled her out the other day and hadn’t had the chance to make things right. ‘Georgie. Hi. What are you doing here?’

  She whirled round, her cheeks reddening, her green nursing scrubs making her look younger somehow. Vulnerable, which she’d hate. There was a ripple of tension as her shoulders straightened, but she masked it. ‘Oh. Hey. I’m dropping off a patient’s bag. She had to be admitted unexpectedly and left it at the clinic by mistake. This is her husband, Mark.’

  ‘Liam. Hi, I work here.’ As he shook hands with the guy the heart-hammering slowed a little. Was it wrong to feel relief that his friend wasn’t sick, but that another man’s wife was? Damn right it was. But relief shuddered through him anyway. ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Mark’s wife, Kate, has OHSS, so she’s feeling a bit fragile. Mark’s on his way up to see her on Ward Three.’

  ‘Ah, yes. I remember seeing her name on the admissions board. She’ll be okay, mate. She’s in good hands.’

  The man nodded grimly and headed through the main entrance. Leaving just Liam and Georgie and a weird sense of displacement. Georgie played with the handle of her handbag, looked at her feet. ‘I should probably go.’

  Not without some kind of resolution, he thought grimly. This was painful. They’d never had this kind of weird, tense scenario play out before. ‘Wait. Are you okay?’

  What he meant was, Are we okay?

  ‘Yes. Thanks. You?’ She raised her head and looked at him. She looked tired, drawn. The edges of her eyes were ringed with black. Which was a far cry from the last time he’d seen her when she’d been brimful of excitement, and he’d stomped all over her
happy mood. Was the dark look just for him or had something else happened to her?

  Okay, stop guessing and cut the crap. ‘Look, Geo, I didn’t mean to pee all over your parade. I’m sorry about the other night. I was tired and just caught by surprise.’

  ‘Clearly. And you’ve been too busy to send a text?’ But the iron-clad barriers seemed to give just a little with his apology. ‘Or did they get lost in cyberspace, along with your good manners?’

  ‘As it happens, things have been manic here. I’ve done four long days with the last vestiges of jet-lag messing with my brain.’ She didn’t need to hear all that. ‘I did think about texting you more than a few times. But I wasn’t sure whether you’d slap me or eye-stab me with one of those killer looks you save for especially annoying people that drive you mad on purpose. And I wasn’t up to taking the risk.’

  That, at least, got a smile. ‘Aw, Liam, I’d never eye-stab you. How could you say such a thing?’

  ‘I know what you’re capable of, my girl. Downright scary at times.’ He walked with her towards the car park, feeling a little more relaxed. ‘Er...done the deed yet?’

  ‘By which you mean the assisted fertility?’ Georgie slowed and gave him what he had come to recognise as one of her false smiles. Her mouth flipped up into the usual grin, but her eyes didn’t shine. In fact, nothing about her was shining tonight. Even her caramel hair—it was just plain weird that he’d started to notice things that he’d always glossed over—seemed dulled. ‘Malcolm’s had to go away due to a family crisis, so I’ve put off asking him.’

  ‘Oh. I see.’ And with that news he really should have been cock-a-hoop but he wasn’t. Strange emotions rippled through him, mainly disappointment for her. It was what she wanted. She’d been so excited and determined the other day, to the point that he’d been unable to talk any sense into her.