by Sara Orwig
“I hate to go, but I have several things to do. First I’m going to talk to Gus. Then I’m going to my office in the guesthouse, because I need to find some old records for our accountant to do the taxes. No one will be here today except me, so do whatever you want. We should have dinners in the freezer and a couple in the fridge. I won’t be gone long.”
“I hope not. I don’t do well in this big house by myself.”
Something flickered in his gaze. “We had a lot of good years here and really good memories. We both need to try to remember to hang on to those times.”
She leaned close to kiss him tenderly. “You’ve been my world since I was sixteen. Then, when the crash happened—”
“A day at a time,” he said solemnly. “I’m going to shower and see you later. You find something in that freezer to thaw for us.”
“Sure will.” She watched him get up and leave the room. He was naked, handsome, all muscle. He had scars, but she barely noticed them. Desire stirred and she wondered if there was any hope for them to have a future together. Was the sex between them blinding them to the problems they faced—or was it helping to work those problems out?
Sex for them had always been good, but they couldn’t stay married on that alone, and they really hadn’t solved any problems between them. Or had they? There was her discovery that Tom thought she wished he had died instead of Ryan. They’d been able to clear the air about that. And she realized how tense and uptight she had been about getting pregnant, and how that might have driven him away from her. So maybe they were making progress.
After she showered and dressed, she walked through the house, closing off some rooms because she wanted to avoid seeing them.
As she set a casserole out to thaw, she received a call and didn’t recognize the number, but then she saw the name Jason Nash on the caller ID and her breath caught.
She answered the call and heard a lilting female voice. “May I please speak to Emily Knox?”
“This is Emily Knox,” Emily answered, barely able to catch her breath and feeling as if her heart was being squeezed by a giant fist. She gulped air, trying to calm.
“Mrs. Knox, this is Becky Nash. I’m Polly’s mother. I’m sure you remember us.”
“Yes, I do,” she said, instantly recalling the discussion with the doctor who’d first told them about the Nash family after the bus accident. “How is Polly?” Emily asked, holding her breath and wondering why she was receiving this call.
“Polly is fine,” Becky Nash said. “We’ll be passing through Texas, and we thought we could stop by if you would like to meet our daughter.”
For a moment Emily couldn’t answer. Tears filled her eyes and she felt a mixture of emotions—dread at revisiting all the pain from those days when Ryan was in the hospital, but also a thrill to get to meet the little girl who had received Ryan’s heart. Their Ryan had given part of himself to another child who would have lost her life. Now their Ryan’s heart kept Polly Nash alive.
“We’d love to meet her, Mrs. Nash.”
“Please, call me Becky. We can come by your house if you’d like. Royal isn’t too far from where we’ll be on the interstate. I know this is rather short notice, but we changed some plans and now we’ll be driving where we can stop by next Tuesday if that is convenient. Would Tuesday afternoon be possible?”
“Yes, that would be perfect. We’re at Knox Acres Ranch, just outside town. I can tell you how to get here.”
They finished making the arrangements and ended the call. Emily remembered the young mother—a pretty blue-eyed blonde in her early twenties. Jason Nash, her tall brown-haired husband, was an accountant with a big company in Denver. One of the doctors had approached them about the transplant, and later, after they agreed, they met the parents. But Emily and Tom had never met Polly. Now that was going to change on Tuesday afternoon.
She started to call Tom to tell him, but she decided she’d rather tell him in person. And she was curious about the guesthouse. She hadn’t been inside since he’d moved there after their separation. She didn’t know if he had changed it, spreading out and making a new home for himself. Or maybe he’d just left it the way it was.
She basked in the sunshine as she made the short walk across the yard and wide driveway. The guesthouse was a much smaller, far simpler house than the mansion, with a friendly warmth to it that she’d never felt the large house had. When she arrived, she crossed the porch to the open door. The screen door was closed, so she knocked on that.
“Come in,” Tom called.
She stepped inside. “Where are you?” She looked around the living room that looked exactly like it always had after visitors had come and gone. The front room was immaculate and did not appear lived in.
“I’m in my office.”
She had no idea where he had made an office, but she followed the sound of his voice and then saw him in the big master bedroom. He was on a ladder in the closet rummaging around on a shelf. Boxes and papers were strewn at his feet.
“I’m glad to see signs of someone living in here since you’ve been doing so for the past year. But you don’t have much in the way of excess anything.”
“I don’t need much.”
“Can you come down from there? I want to talk to you.”
He paused and looked at her, and then came down a step and jumped the rest of the way.
He frowned as he faced her. “This must be something serious.”
“It is. I need to talk to you.”
He held out his hand. “Let’s go in the living room and we can sit.”
“I don’t know that we need to sit to talk,” she said, walking back into the front room and turning to face him. “I got a phone call. And I’m worried this might bring up some painful memories for us.”
“Who called? This sounds important,” he said.
“It is important. It was from Becky Nash.”
Ten
Tom’s hand stilled. “Why did she call us? Is the little girl all right?” he asked.
“Yes, she’s fine. Her mother called because they are driving through Texas and asked if we would like to meet Polly. They are going to stop by here next Tuesday afternoon.”
He looked away, his jaws clamped shut while he was silent. Finally he faced her again. “That is a big deal. We’re going to meet the little girl who has our son’s heart.”
Silence stretched between them again, and Emily had a sinking feeling that a lot of their old problems were about to return, ending the fragile friendly truce.
“Would you rather I had told them not to come?”
He flinched and shook his head. “No. You did the right thing. We should meet her. I just keep thinking that part of Ryan is still a living organ, that there’s part of him still here.”
“And keeping another child alive. Tom, Ryan has given life to this little girl.”
Tom wiped his eyes. “I know that. And that’s what we wanted and it’s good, but it doesn’t make our loss lighter or lessen the hurt of losing Ryan one damn degree. It brings the loss all back in a way. We should meet her, but that doesn’t make it easy.” He turned his back to her and she knew he wiped his eyes again.
And she knew she couldn’t comfort him and he didn’t want her to try. He had turned his back on her and was shutting her out of his life.
She hurt more than ever and suspected the last little vestige of her marriage was shattering.
In spite of their time together, the quiet hours spent on Uncle Woody’s porch just talking about each other’s plans, Emily could tell that this reminder of their loss had thrown them back to the way it used to be. To when they had been estranged and avoided each other.
She knew he didn’t want her there, so she walked quietly out of the guesthouse and crossed back to the main house, barely able to see
for her tears.
It was definitely over between them. She could tell when Tom turned his back on her that had been a final goodbye.
She had been wrapped in a false sense of happiness when he had lived in the old house with her and helped her get it back in shape. That was over and all the hurt over the bus wreck and loss of their son had returned. And it would always come back. There would be reminders through life and she and Tom needed to let go and try to rebuild their lives.
She loved Tom and she couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone else, but her marriage to him was over. She suspected she would not see him again until the Nashes arrived on Tuesday.
She cried as she walked back to the mansion. But she felt she had known all along the day would come when they would go back to avoiding each other and Tom would sign the divorce papers.
She decided that she would pack and choose what she wanted to have moved to her house in Royal so she could go as soon as the Nashes left.
She entered the empty, silent house, wanting to be back in town and away from so many painful memories here.
She thought of the fun times she and Tom had had over the past days. The evenings they’d spent on the porch, just talking. They had found joy in each other again and she was beginning to have hope. Tom was the most wonderful man she had ever known and she had fallen in love with him all over again. And now she was hurting all over again.
She didn’t feel like having dinner and Tom didn’t show, so she put the casserole back in the refrigerator and went out to the sprawling patio to sit where she could look at the spring flowers in the yard and the big blue swimming pool with its sparkling fountain. It was a cool March evening and she would rather sit outside.
She would borrow one of the ranch trucks to take some furniture back with her. Tom wouldn’t care what she took or what she left. She doubted whether he would ever live in the main house again, and she didn’t want to.
She put her head in her hands to cry. She had lost them both—Ryan and Tom.
She cried quietly as she sat there in the dusky evening, looking at the fountain and feeling numb. She gazed beyond the pool. Silence enveloped her. Occasionally she could hear the wind, a soft sound, the only sound. As if the entire world was at peace. She knew better. It wasn’t, and neither was her little corner of it. But the illusion was nice.
“Did you eat dinner?”
She heard Tom’s deep voice from the doorway and turned around. He stood in the door with his hands on his hips.
“No. Do you want any?”
“No. I’ll stay at the guesthouse tonight.”
“I thought you probably would. I’ll get my car tomorrow so I can take it back to Royal when I go.”
When he didn’t say anything else, she finally glanced over her shoulder to see if he stood watching her. She was alone. He had gone, and she wondered if they would ever again be relaxed and compatible the way they had been these past weeks.
Long after dark she went inside and began to gather scrapbooks and small things she wanted to take to Royal. There was nothing to hold her here at the ranch.
She propped up the pillows in her bed and sat against them on top of the covers to look through the old scrapbooks. But they made her sad, so she finally scooted down in bed to go to sleep.
* * *
Tom lay awake in the dark. As long as he and Emily were together, there would be reminders of their tragic past, some little moments and some big ones, like the Nashes’ visit. Their visit would tear Emily up. It would probably tear him up just as much. He wanted them to come by, but it was going to hurt and be difficult to deal with. It also brought all the memories swarming back, the pain, the fear, the terrible wreck and panic that had consumed him. His inadequacy, his failure to protect the two he loved most—that’s what always tore him up.
He couldn’t ever forget carrying his son’s little body, holding Ryan, which was like holding ice, against his heart, praying for him, unaware of his own injuries until much later. And then the decision to donate Ryan’s organs to save another child—to save other parents from going through what they’d suffered.
Tom wiped his eyes. As long as he and Emily were together, they would always have moments when the memories and pain would return full force.
The loss was devastating and it didn’t get easier. They had moved on, but the hurt of missing little Ryan...that never changed. Tom knew that if he lived to be one hundred, he would still shed tears over his baby.
The Nashes’ upcoming visit complicated the healing process for him. In a way, it was a stark reminder that he had failed Emily when he failed to save Ryan. He had loved her with his whole heart and still loved her in so many ways, but he just didn’t know how to make it up to her. Tom was certain Emily would be better off without him in her life.
If they both started with new friends, new homes, new everything—new loves in their lives, even—maybe each day wouldn’t be filled with pain and loss and sorrow.
Tuesday would be tough. He dreaded the day, but if he had taken the Nashes’ call, he would have done the same thing Emily had and agreed to meet with them. Even though he knew it would be more heartache, he wanted to see the little girl who had Ryan’s heart beating in her chest and giving her life.
Just the thought caused a knot in his throat. After Ryan, he had never been able to handle death and dying as well. Maybe it added to his heartache to have Jeremy’s death so soon after losing Ryan.
Sleep wasn’t going to come easily, probably not at all, but it wouldn’t be his first sleepless night. Tom put his hands behind his head and looked out the open window at the stars. The divorce hung over them, and he wanted to go ahead and get it over and done with.
This living together in the same house again was gearing up to cause another big hurt for both of them. He ought to get out and let her go on with her life.
All the basic things were lined up to get done on Emily’s old house. Nathan would send someone around to check on her, just like they were doing for Natalie. He and Emily needed to go ahead with their divorce.
Divorce was going to hurt because Emily was part of his life and it was like cutting into himself, but it would be best for both of them, definitely better for her.
Would seeing Polly Nash tear them both up? Ryan’s heart still beat—that was the most amazing thing. Little Polly Nash could live because she had Ryan’s heart. They would meet her Tuesday afternoon—and for just a little while part of Ryan would once again be with them, at the only home Ryan had known. Tom stared through the window. It would be another day he would remember as long as he lived. So would Emily.
* * *
On Tuesday morning, Tom showered and got dressed in a navy Western-style shirt, jeans and his best black boots. When he was finished, he combed his hair and left the guesthouse.
At noon, he walked over to the mansion and rang the bell. When Emily didn’t come to the door, he stepped inside.
“Emily?” he called. He heard her heels as she approached in the hall. Then she entered the room and he couldn’t get his breath as he looked at her. Her wavy honey-brown hair fell loosely around her face. She wore little makeup, but had a natural beauty he loved. She wore a sheer pale blue top over a pale blue silk cami and white slacks with high-heeled blue sandals.
“You take my breath away, you look so beautiful.”
“Thank you,” she said quietly. “I think that should be my line, only substitute ‘handsome’ for ‘beautiful.’ You’re the one who is dazzling.”
“I’m not sure you have ever realized how beautiful I think you are.”
“It’s nice to hear you say that to me. I won’t forget.” She smiled, but there was a sad look in her eyes.
“I want to do this, and at the same time, I know it’s going to hurt like hell.”
“I know,” she whispered. “
You might as well come in and sit. You’re a little early, and they may have trouble finding the ranch.”
They walked into the formal living room and she sat in a dark blue wing chair while he went to the window to look out at the drive.
“This week I think we should go ahead with the divorce,” Tom said quietly. “I think each of us will be better off. Reminders like today will always bring the pain back, and I just don’t think we’re equipped to deal with it together.”
“I think we’re dealing with it okay, Tom. Some things will fade as the years go by.”
“We’re better off just starting anew.” He turned to face her. “You said you don’t need me to stay with you in Royal, so I’ve talked to Nathan and he’ll send someone around to check on you.”
“Thank you.”
“Will you be all right there alone?”
“Yes, I will,” she said, smiling, sitting back in the chair and crossing her long legs, which momentarily captured his attention and made him forget everything else.
“I told you I’d deal with the roofers, and I think I can get them out by the first of next week. How’s that?”
“It will be fine. Thank you.”
He gazed at her, thinking she was being very polite, which meant she was keeping a tight rein on her feelings. She was probably upset about meeting the Nashes’ daughter. He turned back to the window. He needed to get through meeting Polly Nash. Get through the divorce. Maybe then he would find some peace in life.
He saw a car approaching and he doubled his hands into fists. Once again, he asked himself why he hadn’t died in place of his son. Emily might not have wanted that, but he did. And why hadn’t he died instead of Jeremy, who was within yards of him when he took the enemy fire? Jeremy had had so much to live for.
Frowning, Tom watched the car approach, wondering about those two situations that he had survived. He had better do something useful with his life to make up for the fact that Ryan’s and Jeremy’s had been cut short.
