by Sara Orwig
* * *
Emily followed Tom to the front porch and they stood waiting to greet the family as they stepped out of their gray van. A slender woman with straight hair got out as her husband walked around the car to her. He was in tan slacks and a tan knit shirt. He held the door as his daughter stepped out. Polly Nash was a pretty little girl with brown hair and hazel eyes with thick brown lashes—the same coloring as Ryan. She stood politely with her mother and held a wrapped package in her hands.
“Mr. and Mrs. Knox, we’re so glad to see you again. This is our daughter, Polly,” Becky Nash said by way of greeting.
“Please just call us Tom and Emily,” Emily said.
“And you can call us Becky and Jason,” Polly’s mother replied.
“Come inside,” Tom said and held the door.
When they were all in the formal living room, Emily invited them to take a seat. “Thanks for calling us. Are you vacationing?”
“Yes,” Jason Nash said. “We’re on our way back to Colorado now and thought we’d stop because we were passing so close by.”
“Polly has something for you,” Becky said and nudged her daughter, who smiled shyly and took the present to Emily.
“Thank you, Polly,” Emily said, smiling at the little girl. “How old are you?”
“I’m eight. I’m in the third grade.”
“That’s great. Third grade is a good year. Tom, come open this with me.”
The package was wrapped in light blue paper with a big silver-and-blue ribbon tied in a huge bow. Tom slipped it off the package and Emily carefully undid the pretty wrapping paper. “Did you wrap this, Polly?”
“No, ma’am. Mom did,” she said, glancing at her mother, who was smiling.
When they unwrapped the package, there was another in brown mailing paper and tape addressed to a school. Emily handed it to Tom, who took out his pocketknife and carefully cut into the brown paper. When he was done, he pushed the paper away and held up a framed picture of a schoolroom with a picture of a plaque on the wall. The plaque had a picture of Ryan in one corner.
Looking more closely at the plaque, Emily read aloud. “‘This Jefferson music room is built, furnished and maintained in loving memory of Ryan Knox of Royal, Texas.’”
“We’ve done that in your son’s memory at Polly’s school in Colorado.”
“Thank you so much,” Emily said. “That is touching and kind of you.”
“We want to express our thanks to your son and to you folks in some way that’s permanent. You gave our Polly back to us, gave her a chance at life.”
“That’s a fine memorial,” Tom said. “Thank all three of you.”
Emily gazed at Ryan’s smiling picture. “This is a lovely memorial, and it means so much to Tom and me. Hopefully, we’ll get to visit the school and see this,” she said, smiling at the Nashes.
Tom turned to Polly. “Do you have a music class?”
“Yes, sir,” she answered politely. “I’m learning to play the violin and I take piano lessons. I like my books and I like my piano lessons,” she said, smiling.
“She has lots of friends at school, too,” Becky added.
“Have you ever been on a ranch?” Tom asked.
Polly shook her head. “No, I haven’t.”
“Want to see the barn and the horses?”
She looked at her parents. “I think that’s a yes,” her dad said and stood. “I’ll go with you and we’ll look a little.” He held out his hand and Polly took it. It reminded Emily of how she used to hold Ryan’s hand, and she felt a tug on her heart.
Tom walked out with them, sounding friendly and cheerful, telling Polly about the ranch, but Emily wondered what his cheer was costing him.
“She’s a sweet little girl,” Becky said. “And I can’t say enough how thankful we are—you’ve given our little girl life,” she said, getting tears in her eyes. “That memorial is just a token gesture. We’re looking into a college scholarship. Whatever we do, you’ll be notified. We wanted to come here to show our gratitude in person.”
“We’re thrilled that Ryan’s heart is giving her life,” Emily said.
“I pray for you and your husband every day, and I give thanks that we are blessed to have our little girl. We just owe all of that to you and your husband.”
“It’s a miracle of science, and I’m thrilled we could help. Polly seems so sweet and bright.”
Emily sat and talked to Becky until the others came back, Polly skipping ahead of the men. Emily’s heart clutched again as she watched her.
After Polly told her mother about the three horses she had seen, Becky looked over Polly’s head at Emily. “We have a lot of miles and should go, but before we do, would you like to feel her heartbeat? We’ve talked to her about it and she knows where she got her heart and she’s happy for you to feel it beating.”
Emily stood and crossed the room. “Is it all right if I touch you, Polly?”
Polly smiled and nodded. Emily put her hand on Polly’s chest and felt the steady beat of the heart that had given life to her son. For an instant she experienced a renewed tie to her child. Tears filled her eyes.
Emily turned away, wiping at her tears. “Tom,” she said. He stood close, and she took his hand and placed it on Polly’s small chest.
“That’s part of Ryan,” he whispered and turned away. Becky wiped her eyes, too.
“We can never tell you what your gift has meant to us except that our Polly wouldn’t be here with us today if it hadn’t been for your Ryan. We’re sorry for your loss. We are so grateful for your gift of life for Polly.”
Emily looked into Polly’s hazel eyes. “Thank you,” she said softly. “Polly, thank you. You share a special tie with our little baby. Thank you.” Emily moved away.
She and Tom went out with the Nashes to see them off. Standing on the drive waving as they drove off, Emily knew they would not see each other again.
Without waiting for Tom, she turned and went inside, walking to the kitchen to get a drink of water. She put her head in her hands and cried.
When she felt composed, she went back to the formal living room but found it empty. She walked out to the porch, but Tom was nowhere around. She looked at the guest cottage down the drive and saw no sign of him, but she suspected he was already there and she wouldn’t see him again today. She had seen Tom’s tears and knew he would be hurting badly.
Once again, she thought about her losses—of her son and her husband, the only man she had ever loved or ever would love. But he was as lost to her as Ryan. Next would come the divorce, and then she didn’t know if she would ever see him again.
She felt as if she was losing him for the second time, but this time, it would be permanent. She went to the bedroom where she was staying.
Soon Tom would be out of her life. She would have to make her own life.
She walked through the house to go upstairs and movement caught her eye. She realized Tom was outside in the back. He was standing on the patio, looking at the pool or the yard or something beyond him. She went out.
“I thought you had gone home.”
“Not yet, but I’m going. I wanted to wait until the Nashes were gone.” He wiped his eyes. Once again, there was a time she would have gone to him and put her arms around him. Now she knew he really wouldn’t want her to do that. The wall was back between them.
He turned around to face her. His eyes were red, and she guessed hers probably were, too. “I think it’s time for that divorce. We’ll each be better off.”
“I know, Tom. It’s all right,” she said. She looked at his broad shoulders and wondered if he was right. “I’ll go back to Uncle Woody’s tomorrow. If you can get someone to help me, I’d like to move a few things from here. Can I borrow a pickup?”
“Don’t ask
stuff like that. Do whatever you damn please. We share this ranch. I’ll get two guys to help and you take anything and everything you want. You know how much this house means to me.”
That hurt, because this house was where they had spent some wonderful years and it was the only home Ryan had known except Uncle Woody’s.
“Thank you for all you did for me in Royal.”
“I’ll keep up with the window guys, also the floor people and the roofers. The floors should be done in two weeks. I’ll check and let you know.” He stood looking at her. “I’m going back to the guesthouse. What time do you want the guys here tomorrow?”
“I should be ready at about ten o’clock. I’ll take some things. I may want to come back and get some more.”
“Sure. Do what you want. Let me know if you need help.” He looked at her a long time and turned away, passing her and going inside. She suspected he walked straight through and out the front and was headed to the guest cottage.
She went in, walking to the window to watch, and saw she was right. He walked with that straight back that people in the military develop. With each step he was walking out of her life.
She thought about Ryan’s heart beating in Polly’s chest. Her baby’s heart—still beating, giving life to another child. Longing for Ryan, to hold him again and hear his laughter, swamped Emily. Longing for Tom quickly followed, to have his strong arms around her, his solid reassurance. She put her head in her hands and cried, aware she was losing Tom now even though she still loved him with all her heart. They’d had unhappy moments and she thought their love had crumbled, but she realized that was one more mistake. She loved him and she always would.
When she had calmed down, she locked up and went upstairs to sit on the balcony of the big master bedroom and cried some more. She hurt over both of them and she knew she would continue to hurt.
* * *
The next day she called Tom and didn’t get an answer. She selected furniture she wanted and called their foreman, Gus. He already knew she was taking furniture to the house in Royal and he had three guys to help and two pickups and they were ready when she was.
Wondering where Tom was, she told Gus to send the men over. In a short time they were on the drive by the back door. She knew all three—Bix Smith, Ty Green and Marty Holcomb.
She showed them which pieces of furniture to pack up. Tom didn’t want anything to do with the house, so she took what she wanted.
She drove her car to Royal behind the two pickups and they spent the morning unloading furniture. The men left before noon, and when she was alone, she looked around, remembering Tom in every room and the happiness she’d had while they worked on the renovations together. The time had been good, but why couldn’t life ahead be filled with a lot more good times? They had been through the worst. She stood gazing down the hall, seeing Tom there, smiling, flirting with her, making her laugh. Why were they getting a divorce when they had so much between them that was wonderful and fulfilling?
Thinking about their future, she drove down Main Street, turning on the block where her studio was located. As she stepped out of her car, the enticing smell of baking bread assailed her and she remembered Tom buying two loaves and eating half of one himself that night. She went into the bakery and bought two more loaves. She could always freeze them if she didn’t eat them.
She went into her studio to pick up her mail and saw two other proofs of Tom’s pictures on her desk. She picked one up and looked at him. “I love you,” she whispered.
And that’s when it hit her.
“We can’t give up what we have,” she said. “We’re not going to get a divorce, Tom Knox, because life with you is too awesome. It’s way too marvelous to give up.” She sat there staring at his picture. She didn’t want a divorce. They’d had wonderful moments in the past weeks they were together. They had weathered the worst and survived and they still could enjoy each other’s company.
She was going back to the ranch to find Tom and tell him she didn’t want the divorce. She still had clothes at the ranch, so she didn’t have to go home and get anything.
As she drove back to the ranch, she missed Tom and thought about the happiness they’d had together. Their love had moments when it was so great. She also thought about their lovemaking, which had been exciting and bound them together closer than ever. She wasn’t ready to give up on their marriage. Not after the time she had spent with him.
But there was still the question of children. She thought about Tom as a father. He needed children in his life. She did, too. He was willing to adopt and he was right—they both would love any child in their lives. Why had she been so opposed to adoption? If she’d only agreed to adopt, this divorce wouldn’t be looming in her life. Another big mistake she had made. But mistakes could be fixed sometimes. She hoped it wasn’t too late.
As soon as she turned onto the ranch road, she called Tom, but he didn’t answer. She didn’t see his pickup at the guesthouse when she passed it, so he must be out on the ranch.
She decided to stay at the mansion until she reached him. She tried the rest of the day and that night, but when she still didn’t get him at midnight, she wondered if he had stopped taking her calls.
She slept little that night, pacing the floor and thinking about Tom, their past and their future.
By morning she was firmly set in her opinions about their future.
She didn’t intend to walk away and lose him, because for the past few weeks, he had acted like a man in love. And she was definitely in love with him. She had fallen in love with him when she was sixteen and she had never stopped loving him.
She had made mistakes that might still cost her the marriage—like being so uptight about getting pregnant. Tom was right and they should just adopt. He was wonderful with any kids he was ever around.
Had he already signed the divorce papers?
It didn’t matter. They could marry again. She wasn’t giving up, because the days they had spent together had been a reunion for them, binding them together stronger than ever. He thought when they were together, they compounded the hurts. They might sometimes, but they definitely did not compound the bad times often.
Life had rough times, and Tom was tough enough to weather them. And so was she. Together they would do better at getting through them.
She showered, brushing out her long wavy hair and pulling on a red T-shirt, jeans and boots. She left to find him, walking to the guesthouse. He wasn’t there, so she had called Gus, who said he hadn’t seen Tom but thought he was still on the ranch.
She stood in front of the guesthouse and then she thought about where she might find him. She drove to the most beautiful spot on the ranch, a gradual slope that had a winding, shallow stream along the bottom. There were big oaks planted inside the small area that had a white picket fence around it. It was the plot of land she and Tom had picked out together for the cemetery where Ryan was buried, with a marble angel standing beside the marble headstone and a bank of blooming Texas Lilac Vitex on either side. Tom stood in the shade of one of the oaks with his pickup parked outside the fence.
When he saw her coming, he turned to face her and waited as she came through the gate.
He had on his black Stetson and a black cotton shirt, along with jeans and black boots. He looked wonderful to her.
“I was just about to leave to find you. I figured I’d have to drive to Royal. I thought you went back to town.”
“I did, but I came back. I thought I would find you here at the family cemetery. This place holds so much meaning for us.”
“It’s quiet out here and I can think about Ryan and about us, the past, the present—these days we’ve spent together. Think about this miracle of another little child having Ryan’s heart that is givng her life.”
“I know you used to come out here and just stay for a while.”
“For me, it brings up so many good memories. Working on your house together, we added some more good moments.”
As he stepped closer, he raised an eyebrow. “Why were you looking for me?”
A breeze tugged at her hair as she faced him.
“Will you come home with me?”
She saw the flare of surprise in his eyes. “I love you, and I don’t want a divorce,” she said. “Ever since I received the email from Maverick, you have acted like a man in love. We’ve had a lot of love between us, and I’m not ready to give up on this marriage.” She hugged him tightly. “I know I’ve made mistakes, Tom, but we can work through the problems.”
He wrapped his arms around her to kiss her, a kiss that was an answer by itself. Trembling, she clung to him and kissed him back while joy filled her because he would never kiss her this way if he was going to divorce her.
He released her slightly, letting his hands rest on her shoulders again. “Before we go any further, there’s something I have to say.” His expression was solemn and suddenly she wondered if she had guessed wrong, that his possessive and responsive kiss was goodbye.
Cold fear wrapped around her again. “What is it?”
“Ah, Em, I’m so sorry. I failed you both, you and Ryan. I couldn’t save him. I failed you then in the worst way,” Tom said, looking beyond her.
“You didn’t fail me. You didn’t fail him, either. Don’t blame yourself when you are blameless.”
“Yes, I did. I should have saved him.”
“You couldn’t. The doctors said he died from the trauma caused by his injuries in the bus,” she said. “You didn’t fail me or Ryan, because you did the very best you could. All of Ryan’s life, you were an amazing father, and Ryan wanted to be just like you.”
“I’ve always felt I failed you both. I don’t know, Em—”
“Well, I know what I want and what I need. Our marriage has been good again—joyous, sexy, productive. We’ve been best friends and enjoyed each other’s company, helped each other. We can do this. I’m not giving up on our marriage,” she said, squeezing him tightly as if by holding him she could keep him from doing anything to end their union.
