by Stacy Borel
I needed to change. I was spending too much time inspecting his space and not getting ready for an onslaught of questions I knew would likely come. Grabbing the shirt off the bed, I unfolded it and couldn’t help the smile spreading across my face. I remembered this shirt. It was Freshman year and Wrigley had been so excited that he was being recruited for a farm team just outside of Athens. I’m pretty sure that’s when he started being scouted by colleges and they took notice of his talent. I felt privileged that he was letting me wear it. Slipping it over my head after I’d undressed, I unfolded my clothes into a neat pile, I smoothed my hands down the shirt. The material was soft and comforting.
There was a light knock on the door. “Is it okay if I come in?” Wrigley asked.
“It’s safe.”
The door creaked open and Wrigley stood in the doorway, his long brown hair was a disheveled mess as if he’d been running his fingers through it over and over. He appeared stressed. I wanted to go to him and comfort him, but I was afraid we’d end up the same way we were less than thirty minutes ago.
I sat down on the corner of the bed, unsure of where to look or what to do with my hands. I started picking at my finger nails.
The side of his mouth tipped up. “That brain of yours is going.”
I nodded. “Mhmm.”
He leaned against his dresser, his broad shoulders relaxed. “Let’s talk about it.”
I looked up at him. “Just like that? You want me to blurt out what I’m thinking.”
“Yep.”
“I don’t work like that, Wrigley.”
“Oh, I know you don’t. But tonight you’re gonna need to. Because what happened out there,” he pointed to the hall, “can’t just be ignored.”
Uh, sure it can. We just go about things and pretend. I was the queen of pretending. It would take some work, but I was pretty sure I could go through life without talking about it.
“Then talk about it.” I said, almost too huffily.
He jerked his head back. “Why do you seem annoyed?”
I blew out a large breath. “Because, Wrigley, not everything is simple.”
“True, but I’d like for us to figure out what that all meant.”
“Why does it have to mean anything?” That was way harsher than I’d planned for it to sound.
He stood up and crossed his arms, his jaw working back and forth. I was riling him up and I didn’t know why. All I knew was that I was baiting him. I wanted the fight.
“Because, Hadley, we’ve been friends for a long time and shit like that can ruin friendships.”
I tried to look calm, but I knew I looked anything but. My eyes were wide, my make-up slightly smudged and my hair could use a good brushing. “Then explain. If you are wanting to talk about it, which by the way is such a chick thing to do, then how about you start. What did it mean?”
He tried hard not to smile. “Did you just call me a chick?”
“Sorta.”
He leaned back again, trying to relax. “I wanted to do it.”
“Why? I don’t get it.”
“What’s to get?”
I was two seconds away from slapping him. Why was he being so aloof? “I’m just trying to understand it, that’s all.”
He appeared baffled. “What in the hell is there to understand? I told you I was attracted to you. You come walking in here looking fucking edible and you expect me to what—refrain?” He laughed but it wasn’t funny. “Hadley, are you delusional?”
Anger was beginning to fuel my argument. An argument I felt needed to be had. We hadn’t had one since the beginning of this newfound friendship and he’d expected it all to be fine and dandy. Sorry, but no.
“Don’t insult me, and compliment me in the same sentence, Wrigley.”
He raised a brow. “I didn’t. It was two sentences.”
I pointed a finger at him. “Okay, I’ve had enough.” Standing up from the bed, I marched over to him, my chest rising and falling. I may have been a lot smaller than him, but I felt I could be intimidating if I wanted to be. “You listen to me. I have been in your life since we were flipping three years old at the same damn daycare. I have tried everything under the sun to get your attention and to get you to notice me. It’s not my fault you are picking right now to show your sudden attraction. I’ve been here all along you big—” He took a step towards me, so I thought better of name calling.
“What in the hell are you talking about, you’ve been here? Why am I just hearing this now?”
“Are you dense? Why would I just come out and tell you I liked you?” I snapped.
He was genuinely confused. “Why wouldn’t you?”
Lord help me explain it to this man. “If you hadn’t noticed, I wasn’t exactly the most popular kid in school. We’ve been over that part already. People like me don’t just express undying love to someone.”
“Love?”
“You know what I mean.”
I dropped my shoulders and went to sit back on the bed. I was feeling overwhelmed with the explanations and how to pick and choose my words. How I told him this could make me sound like a damn stalker.
“Do you have any idea what it would have done to me socially and personally if I’d told you in high school I’d had a crush?” He shook his head. I dropped mine and started clicking my nails. “I would have been made fun of. You would have told your buddies, and they all would have started rumors. Texts would have gone flying, and I would have once again been the joke. I was already a social pariah.”
He vehemently denied it. “No way, Hadley. That’s not the type of person I was or am.”
“Really?” I defended. “Because I recall you not having mutual feelings with one of the new girls during our sophomore year and the poor thing didn’t last in our school longer than a week before she was transferred to a school one town over.”
“Crystal?”
I peered up at him. “Well, at least you have the decency to remember the poor girl’s name.”
He came over and sat on the bed next to me. The mattress dipped down with his weight and I had to scoot over to keep from sliding into him. As much as I’d love to be touching him, now just wasn’t the time.
“Of course I remember her name. Do you really believe I’m that awful of a person?” When I didn’t answer, he nodded his head. “Fine. Maybe I told Jared that Crystal had passed me a note, but I told him that, not thinking he would run off to the biggest mouths in school. We were friends, you know?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“So, what happened with you? Why did you let fear keep you from saying something?”
I turned until my whole body was facing him. My left leg tucked under me. “Think about it. Really think about it. Who I was in school, and how I had always been treated. Do you honestly feel that you would have given the idea of Hadley Marten a fair shot? Cause I don’t think you would have batted an eye over it.”
“How was that fair to me? You never even gave me a chance. You just assumed.”
“Of course I did.”
I wasn’t going to tell him about when I had actually planned on telling him. I didn’t tell him I’d overheard him making fun of me. This conversation was already going too far. I wanted a fight, but I didn’t want deep. Things with Wrigley didn’t need to be deep.
He reached over and grabbed my hand. I wanted to jerk it away and tell him to not touch me. When he touched me, I was weak. I wanted to cocoon myself in his arms and never come up for air. He made me feel things I’d never felt before. He made me crave and desire him. His thumb brushed gentle circles on the inside of my wrist. It made me shiver. I looked up at him. Hazel eyes stared back at me. Desire was swimming in the depths of them.
I started to pull my hand away, but he held tight. “No. Just let me touch you.”
Swallowing hard, I shook my head. “You make me dizzy.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing.”
“Both,” I stated honestly. “When I’m around
you, I can’t think clearly. I get mad and I get happy all at the same time. I hate that I’ve liked you for so long. That so much of my life was spent pining after a guy who never cared to know me until a few months ago. You should have seen me.” I desperately tried to hold back tears that were springing to my eyes. “You never saw me.”
“Hey,” he lifted my chin. “I see you now. Okay? I see you now.”
I shrugged. “While I’m glad. I just don’t know if that’s good enough.”
Wrigley nodded and a look of defeat came over his face. “I think we both need sleep. I have practice in the morning and we’ve done enough talking for now. I’ll sleep on top of the covers if you want to climb under.” He stood and lifted his comforter.
I crawled across the bed and climbed under. The cool sheets on my skin matched my mood. Curling into a ball, I wanted to disappear. I wanted to relive my hallway moment over and over but with a different ending. I watched as he tucked the covers around me. Wrigley laid down beside me, both of us facing each other.
“I’ve never done that before.” I said the words so quietly I wasn’t sure he could hear me.
He did. His eyes grew round. “Never?”
“Not even a kiss.”
“What about Collin?”
I almost laughed. Collin was a jock that was on the baseball team when we were kids. He was a jokester and one of those people who thought he was a badass, trying to include himself in everything drama related. I should’ve known better, but he’d befriended me. Not long after I’d spoken to him a few times, I’d gone to the movies and he’d shown up. I let him sit by me as we watched but nothing happened. The next day at school, Collin started rumors that we’d made out and he’d felt me up. It was a bunch of crap but I did my best to ignore it. I think only half of the school believed him. He was a notorious liar.
I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Never happened.”
“Not even a little bit?”
“Nope.” A grin came over his face. A stupid, silly grin that was contagious. “What?”
“I kind of like that you didn’t, and that you haven’t experienced anything.”
“What? Why?”
“Because then I know that anything you’ve done, is only with me. Usually by this time, most girls have made out, been to third base,” I smiled at his baseball reference and how young he sounded. “Or even had sex.”
“I know, and I’m not shocked. But let’s not let that pretty head of yours grow larger than it is. I don’t need to be smothered in this bed.”
He laughed. It was deep and resonated across the bed, causing me to shiver. “There’s that mouth I like. The one that’s honest and reminds me to cut the shit.”
I shook my head. “You’re a very strange person, Wrigley Brooks.”
“You are a very strange person, Hadley Marten.”
I fell asleep staring into deep hazel depths that drew me in and made me dream about all of the possibilities of friendship and love.
Mine and Wrigley’s relationship had certainly taken a turn after that night. Texts were flirty and full of innuendos. He would purposefully brush my hair over my shoulder in the middle of class and cause goosebumps to form on my arms. Surprise visits to my dorm occurred so often that I started leaving the door unlocked just so he could come in whenever he wanted. Aurora started to spend more time at his house with Bishop, so it worked out well. Except it was slightly nerve wracking for me. Kisses were snuck in, but he never pushed me for more.
What was even more surprising was when Livi had found out that Wrigley had an interest in me. Her face was burned into my brain. First the shock, eyes wide and mouth gaping. Then the confusion like she wasn’t sure if she should rub her eyes cause they might be playing tricks. After was the anger. The fuming, searing anger that was one hundred percent directed at me. When she had first shown up at Wrigley’s house, she had been all over him. Touching his hair, his arm, she’d even attempted to clasp his hand. She was flirting so hard that a twinge of jealousy went through me and I’d wanted to tell her to get off what was mine.
Except he wasn’t mine and I had no staked claim on him. Before I even got a chance to express my emotions or walk away, Wrigley stepped away from her aggressive attempts and walked over to me. When he reached my side, he had traced a finger down the inside of my wrist, which caused sensations I didn’t care to feel in front of a group of onlookers shoot through my body. She’d watched with rapt attention. Her anger coming off of her in waves and I’d felt like she was sending me a warning. I didn’t know what that warning was, but it made me uncomfortable and I squirmed.
I wanted to approach her and tell her she didn’t know what she was seeing. That it wasn’t what she thought it was. That this was all some silly mistake and Wrigley was on some sort of sympathy drug for pathetic girls. But it wouldn’t help and I still truly didn’t know what was going on between him and me. He was the pursuer.
Always.
Not once had I gone to him and placed my hands on him. Not once had I been the first to text him. I never went to his house uninvited. I never stretched my leg under my desk to play footsie. It really wasn’t because I was too shy, but more because I didn’t get my role in this.
The night at his house was a catalyst for a weird set of events that didn’t make sense. We went from barely social to friends to this odd in-between thing. Why wasn’t there a definition for two people who were dabbling in the possibility of a relationship but weren’t sure if it would be a fit? There should be a name for it. It wasn’t dating. Because as far as I knew, he wasn’t seeing anyone else. And I certainly wasn’t either.
I was already dodging evil eyes from two girls, I didn’t want to draw attention to myself from any others that may have had an active interest in Wrigley. Livi, I’m sure, wanted to gut me and hang my insides out to dry in the middle of her softball field. Ryian, the girl who Wrigley had gone out with a few times, resented me. Her pretty face never focused on anything other than the stray touches Wrigley gave me. I didn’t know her level of cattiness, but I didn’t think I needed to find out.
The biggest problem that I had was my school work. It had been taking a slight hit with the newness of this unnamed whatever. I was a hyper focused student. I took pride in my work and knew that I was one of the better students because I applied myself. I’d been distracted. I wasn’t sleeping like normal. I was being kept up with sweet texts. Study times were cut short from surprise visits. And my overactive brain was full of imagining possibilities
School had always been the most important thing to me. It was what was going to shape me and help me create the life I’d always imagined for myself. Wrigley was disrupting it. The biggest problem was when he’s touching me, I couldn’t muster the ability to care. Especially right now while he was currently combing his fingers through my hair.
I had my psychology book in front of me with a bunch of index cards, all of which were blank. Wrigley sat behind me and was stroking strands of my hair. I was holding back my need to lean into him and moan. I was supposed to be studying for an exam I had in two days but this felt too good.
“Hadley?”
“Hmmm?” I asked softly.
He chuckled. “Are you even listening?”
“To what?”
“Me?”
I tried to peek over my shoulder. “Were you talking?”
“Probably for the last five minutes.”
I twisted around. “Seriously?” When he nodded I looked at him puzzled. “Sorry I guess I’m really focused on these notes.”
His grin told me he knew I was lying through my teeth. “Maybe I should stop and let you have at it then.”
“No!” I shouted.
He belly laughed. “That’s what I thought.”
I rolled my eyes, turned back to my blank cards and picked up my pen to attempt to write definitions. We were alone again. Aurora and Bishop were officially a ‘thing’ and they were out at dinner celebrating their second month together. I’d gi
ven her a hard time for being that girl who celebrated the smallest milestones but she insisted they were all important.
“What is it you were talking about?” I collected my cards and stacked them neatly on my nightstand. It was useless. I wasn’t going to get anything done with him here.
“I was saying, maybe we should talk about what this is.”
“What what is?”
He pointed between me and him. “This. Us.”
I thought we went over this. It had been nice just being this. I wasn’t sure what a label would accomplish.
“Okay,” I conceded. “What is this?”
“You tell me,” he said challengingly.
My eyebrows drew together and I thought about it. “Well, we are friends.”
Which we were. “Okay, but friends don’t do this.” He pulled my hand into his lap and he ran a fingertip from my middle finger to my wrist. My fingers closed. “Or this.” He leaned forward and the faintest sensation of his lips traced across my collar bone. My breathing picked up in pace. “What about this?” Wrigley dragged those amazing lips to my mouth and hovered, not touching but tempting me to press into him for more. “Do you get my point now?” His breath blew into me and my free hand grabbed a handful of bedding.
“Why do you do this?” I asked airily.
His lips puckered and he gave me a quick peck then sat back. “Because I’m proving a point, Hadley.”
I scowled and looked around my room, avoiding eye contact. “And what’s that?”
“That there’s something here.”
“You sound like a girl.”
Wrigley laughed. “I kind of do, and you sound like a dude trying to make something into nothing. What’s the deal? Don’t you like me enough to want to make anything official?”
Official with Wrigley. Athens last single Brooks brother, and he was offering himself up to me. At some point God was going to say, ‘Wake up Hadley, I let you have a good run with this fantasy.’ I remembered asking Aurora, once, if she’d ever wanted something so much before that she dreamed about it day and night. That the fairytales you play out in your head are so farfetched, but you allow yourself the moments of living them out for the sake of pure happiness that can’t be ruined by real life. That’s what this was to me. That’s what Wrigley had always been to me. He was the perfect piece of happiness that couldn’t happen because real life would screw it up.
