Departures

by E. J. Wenstrom

  A few days later, I am surprised to find Sue at her desk when I arrive. Her eyes are heavy and the lines around her mouth run deep. Even so, she gives me a half-smile.

  “Life keeps going,” she says. “Rosie would want me to keep going with it.”

  Having Sue back means we get lunch breaks back, too – at least if there are no new emergencies. I meet up with Connor, and we sprawl out in the woods, hiding from the tension of the camp. He talks, I draw. My sketch pad is the last safe place I’ve got left. When my mind gets too busy worrying about Kinlee, or when the Directorate will come for us, or how to get to Gracelyn, I draw. When my hand cramps, I roll over onto my back and watch the clouds drift.

  “What’s out there?” I ask.

  “Aliens, probably,” Connor says.

  “Not in the sky, in the world.”

  “Oh. Well, a lot of things.” He looks out to the fields. “I haven’t seen any of it.”

  Right. He was born here. He seems like such a bottomless pit of knowledge, sometimes I forget that, really, he’s about as sheltered as I am.

  He must sense my disappointment, because he shifts closer and keeps talking.

  “But I’ve heard a lot of things. Everyone here is from somewhere. And it’s all different.”

  He tells me about Julie, who makes the cinnamon buns, and how her mother made raisin bread every morning when she was a girl. George, the lead farmer, grew up in a city so large he never found its ends, but knew he wanted to go somewhere with open spaces. Sue’s from some small village no one knew, but went to her country’s capital to become a doctor, and once she made it to the top ranks, she left it all to come out here.

  “So many adventures,” I say. “I hope I can find one someday.”

  “What do you think this is?” Connor asks. “Seems to me it’s not so much finding an adventure. They’re everywhere. The hard part is choosing. Finding the right one.”

  I roll into his side, and he wraps his arm around me. Then he picks up my notepad and examines my work.

  “Oh no, don’t look,” I say. “It’s not finished.”

  If he flips through and finds the map sketch at the back, I’m in trouble. He lets me gently pull it away.

  “You’re getting really good,” he says, glancing at the open page I was working on. “Is that you?”

  “It’s my sister.”

  He takes another look. “Wow. You look so much alike.”

  I try to hide the tears that come any time I think about her too much. That’s why I had to draw her – she’s on my mind all the time now, but it isn’t so hard when I can focus on the curve of her nose or the way her hair falls over her shoulder, instead of how afraid I am for her.

  Connor sits up, and I know he’s studying my face, taking in the tiny shifts in expression I can’t control.

  “She’s okay, I’m sure of it,” he says.

  I nod, blinking away tears.

  “The Directorate is dangerous, but only to those in its way. It needs its citizens. And from what you’ve said, your sister sounds like an ideal citizen.” The bitterness that used to seep through when he talked about people in the Directorate isn’t there anymore. It’s not some brain-washed Directorate citizen he’s talking about, it’s just my sister. He continues. “If anything, they probably give her extra protection.”

  “Yeah,” I sigh.

  He takes my hand and kisses it.

  Everything he says makes sense, but I can’t shake the feeling that Gracelyn is in danger. She might be a valuable asset to the Directorate now, but if she lets a single toe out of line, what then? She doesn’t even have to know she’s doing it. One mistake and everything could turn.

  It wasn’t fair to ask Kinlee to get a message to Gracelyn. But I have to get to her somehow. And the way things have escalating lately, it feels like I’m running out of time.

  “Hey!” Connor says, suddenly bright. “What are you doing tonight?”

  “Nothing.” I blink back the wetness building in my eyes and smile at him, willing thoughts of Gracelyn away.

  “Perfect. Let’s go out.”

  “Isn’t that what we’re doing now?”

  “Well yeah, but let’s do something special. I’ll think of something fun to do. We need some fun.”

  He pulls in closer and holds me, pressing his face into my hair with sudden earnestness. I’m still holding his other hand, and suddenly I realize I’m squeezing it too hard. Because, sure, we seem to be safe for now, but how much longer can this last? Every day the world feels like it turns more and more upside down.

  “Okay. Great.”

  “Excellent,” he says. “I got planning to do. See you tonight.”

  He hops to his feet and swoops in for a kiss on my head before racing off. After he’s gone, I stay in the woods a little longer, sprawled out on my stomach, tracing over the lines of the tunnels again, straining to think of a plan to get to Gracelyn. The rules say I can’t, but if I have learned anything since I escaped the Directorate, it’s that the rules can be broken. There has to be a way.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Evie

  Though the rest of the day is busy, the anticipation makes the afternoon creep by. Dinner is no longer the camp-wide gathering it used to be, so when I don’t see Connor around, I fill a plate and retreat to my cabin.

  I’m eager for our night to begin, but I figure I’ve got until dark, which gives me some time. I pull out my pad and start sketching to kill the time and keep my mind busy, and next thing I know a hard rap at the window jolts me from a heavy focus.

  Connor is pressed up against the panes. I cross the room and open it, letting in a gust of air that makes me shiver – another cold front is setting in.

  “Give me a heart attack, why don’t you,” I say.

  It’s almost completely dark in here now – it’s a wonder I could see what I was drawing at all.

  “Sorry,” Connor says. But his eyes glimmer with excitement.

  “Why’d you come to the window?”

  “I dunno,” he says. “Seemed romantic. But I guess that sort of sensitive gesture is lost on you.”

  “Yep.” It’s a total lie. I love it. I have a feeling the goofy smile that’s stuck on my face gives me away, too, and I’m not even trying to hide it. “I’ll meet you around the front, doofus.”

  He beats me to the door and holds it open for me.

  “Wow, look at you,” I say. He’s wearing the nicest top he owns, one he never wears to work with the animals, and a pair of trousers I’ve never even seen before. He looks good. Under his arm is a bundled-up blanket and a basket.

  I’m in my normal regulation clothes. “Guess I didn’t get the memo about the dressing up.”

  He smiles. “You kidding? You look perfect.”

  I can’t help it. I blush. “Well. What now?”

  “Follow me,” he says.

  I grab an extra layer and let him lead me away, out through the trees and into the field. He shakes out some blankets and lays them out, then gestures to me to take a seat.

  “No offence, but isn’t this exactly what we do all the time?” I ask, teasing.

  “No. Because usually, it isn’t nighttime.” He jumps down beside me and lies down. “Come here.”

  I lie down next to him.

  And he’s right. I’ve never seen anything like this before.

  I’ve seen the stars plenty of times since I arrived at the camp, through the trees, but I’ve never had a clear, open view. I’ve never stopped to stare up at them. Out here, with no lights or trees, they expand far and deep. The longer I look, the more I see, and it’s like they go on forever.

  Then a familiar sweet aroma fills the air. He hands me a cinnamon bun.

  “This night is the best of all the nights,” I say, taking a bite.

  “It’s that easy, huh?” he teases.

  “Yes it is. Cinnamon roll. Stars. You. Best night.”

  I couldn’t begin to express it, but it’s not just him, or
the treat, or even the stars. It’s the way the chilled air nips at my nose. It’s the quiet after a busy day of meaningful work. It’s the freedom that allows all of these things to simply be. Even with the Alliance, I have never felt so free as I do in this moment. Things have never felt so effortless and beautiful.

  For a few minutes we simply lie there, eating our rolls and watching the stars, pressed together at our shoulders. When I have licked the last of the icing off my fingers, I roll onto my side and kiss him on the cheek.

  “Thank you.”

  He shrugs. “It seemed wrong for you not to see this. Who knows how much longer we’ll be here, between the dwindling support and the threat of the Directorate all rising. It felt important.”

  I nod into his shoulder. “It’s unforgettable. All of this is.”

  He kisses my forehead, then my cheek, then the tip of my nose. He rolls onto his side and pulls me into him, and his lips find mine. In the midst of the beauty of the field, it’s like there’s no one else in the world.

  His kisses are eager and hungry, a trail of warmth over my mouth and along my jaw and down my neck. I kiss him back, over his neck and his ear, his shoulder, my hands running across his back and over his sides. My fingers hook into the belt loops of his trousers.

  I want him. I want him like I’ve never wanted anything before. And this time I’m ready for it.

  “Wait.” I sit up. I glance up to him and try to give him a smile, to let him know nothing is wrong. One hand stays tangled in his belt loop, the other fumbles into my pocket and pulls out the small square of foil. I hold it up.

  He smirks and sits up, too, digging into his own pocket. He pulls out a condom in the same wrapping as mine.

  For a pause we simply smile at each other, and my head is giddy with the implications. “I took mine when Noah was putting the equipment away this afternoon,” I say. “How’d you get one?”

  He laughs. “I asked.”

  I laugh back.

  “But only if you’re sure you really want to,” he says. “It’s totally fine if we… you know. Just lie in the grass and watch the stars or something. Or go back to the cabins, we can totally go back and – ”

  He’s rambling now, unsure of himself in a way I’ve ever seen. I press my fingers to his lips to quiet him.

  “I’m sure.” A big goofy smile is plastered across my face and I can’t get it under control. “Are… are you sure? You really want to do… this. With me? Even though we still can’t be totally sure what might wrong with me?”

  I realize he’s got the same smile on his face, too.

  “With you?” He rolls his eyes and reaches out to take my hand. “Always you. Yeah, I’m sure.”

  For a moment we stare at each other, hands entwined, eyes locked, those awful goofy smiles on our faces.

  Then he leans close, presses against me, and when he whispers to me, I can feel his breath on my cheek. “So…?”

  I look around. The night is still and peaceful, not a sound except the crickets, no one in sight and everyone tucked into their beds back at the camp. Overhead the stars twinkle into oblivion. Part of me still can’t believe I get to choose all of this – choose Connor, choose this night, choose what happens next. The alternative of what my life would have been in the Directorate hovers at the edges, and the darkness of that life – an assigned life with an assigned mate and the cold, loveless life of orders and limits that goes with it – makes this one feel so much brighter. Overwhelmingly so.

  But I have it. And I’m not about to let it go to waste.

  I grin, and rip the side of the wrapping on my little square package.

  Connor pulls me in close.

  We stretch out between the blankets again. We are clumsy and fumbling and shy, a little scared even, but we go slow, and we figure it out. The night air is crisp against my skin, but Connor hovers close over me, and the heat of his body soaks into me and keeps me warm.

  Afterwards, not ready to lose the closeness of our skins brushing against each other, we wrap the blankets around us and stare at the stars.

  Lying here out in the middle of nowhere with this odd boy, I am happier than I have ever been. Like I am glowing from the inside out.

  Happier, in fact, than I could ever have been in the Quads, even if I’d had a normal, long life there. Real happiness – this kind of happiness – doesn’t happen in such a controlled life. You have to pay for this kind of happiness with risk and work and unknowns.

  And suddenly an understanding explodes over me: how incredibly lucky I am to have had this second chance, how many odds were stacked against me. Even if it does come with cancer or some other terrible disease, I have lived so much more in my short time out here than I could in an entire lifetime in the Quads.

  I can hardly imagine accepting that life now: a life without risk, without choice, without friendships. Without Connor. He’s nodding off beside me, snoring slightly, his mouth agape.

  I’ve found my place in the world, and this is it. Not here at the camp, but with these people, this way of life.

  And that’s when I realize: I can’t wait any longer. It’s time to stop daydreaming about getting Gracelyn here, and take action. Now. Before I lose my chance altogether. The reality of what I need to do sinks into my stomach like an anchor.

  “I have to go back.”

  Connor rolls over to face me, his eyes still hazy with sleep. “Hmm? We will. In the morning. They won’t even know we left.”

  “No. I have to go back to the Quad.”

  “Back to the…” Connor jerks up as my words hit him. “Evie. No. You can’t. Why would you ever want to?”

  “It’s not – ”

  “Is it because of tonight? Evie, we won’t have to do anything. Ever. I’ll leave you completely alone if you want, but please – ”

  “What? No! It’s not like that. Well. It’s kind of because of tonight, but not the way you’re thinking.” I’m struggling over the words, not sure how to explain the feelings churning through me. “It’s not you. You’re wonderful. And that’s the thing.”

  “But Evie – ” He frowns, and I can see a rant coming on.

  “Stop, Connor. Listen.”

  “Sorry.” His face is flushed.

  “It’s this life. It’s so different. It’s so messy and chaotic and filled with these highs and lows and pain. But it’s beautiful. It’s not just better than in the Quad. It’s… I don’t know, it’s important. I’ve only been here a little while, and it’s already changed me. It’s a real life out here, my own decisions, and not a series of Directorate-mandated tasks. Like I’m finally living in full color. I don’t know how to explain. It’s wild and free and cinnamon buns and… and…” I reach out and trace my hand over his naked shoulder. “Nights under the stars.”

  His arm wraps around me in reciprocation. “So then stay. Stay. Why would you want to leave it if you love it so much?”

  I have to break his gaze and look away, down to the quilt’s pattern below us. “I’m not leaving. But Gracelyn. I have to get her out of there.”

  The silence grows thick between us like a wall. I look to him, to see what he’s thinking.

  His face is a mix of anger and confusion.

  “It can’t be done. How do you think you would even get there?”

  “The tunnels,” I start. I take a deep breath. It’s time for the truth. “There’s a map of them in the bunker. I drew a copy of it.”

  He pulls away. “Shit, Evie. You’ve been plotting this? How long have you been thinking about it?”

  I drop my gaze to the ground. “I don’t know. A few weeks.”

  His expression hardens, and his voice turns rough. “You can’t. I love you. I want you to be happy, to have everything. But you can’t go back.”

  A defensive burst of anger flares in me. What was I thinking, telling him this? “You could never understand. You can’t even remember that all those Directorate citizens are real people, too.”

  He freezes and st
udies me, a crease deepening in his brow. For a moment I think we’re about to have another blowout argument, and tighten my fists at my sides. But then the tension in his shoulders melts away.

  “Oh, Ev. No. If I’ve learned anything from you, it’s that the people in the Directorate deserve as much freedom and compassion and opportunity as the rest of us – nothing in all this is their fault. But think about it. As soon as anyone sees you, you’re as good as dead. And then they’ll come for the camp, this entire way of life you say you love so much. And in the process you end any possibility of life for others like you, who are immune to the serum. All of that, for a single person. I know she’s your sister, Ev, but no one person is worth destroying all of this.”

  He fastens his trousers then picks up his shirt.

  My anger still burns in me. I didn’t expect him to drop everything and go with me this minute. Or even to understand it, really. I didn’t expect anything at all. Truth is, I didn’t think, I just said it, because it was true, and I felt so close to him in that moment, and I thought I could count on him. I clench my jaw and take a breath. Tug on my clothes and hunch over, closing myself off from him before speaking again.

  “I just thought… I don’t know. Intel manages to get back and forth from the Quads, and pass messages back and forth, without ever being detected. But there’s no possible way I could manage to get my sister out without the Directorate destroying the world? That’s the one thing that can’t be done? I don’t believe it. It’s too important. So I’m going to find a way.”

  Maybe it’s the way my voice is straining, giving away the tears I’m fighting back, but he doesn’t push it any further. He just wraps an arm around me, and together we walk back to the cabins.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Gracelyn

  After my confrontation with Quinn, everything settles into a dark haze. The world is exactly the same as before. Except now, everything feels hollow. I know too much, and I wish I could drill it out of my head and go back to how it used to be.

  “You must have messed up big time,” Hanna says. “It’s like you barely exist to Quinn anymore.”