by Jean Carroll
Blackie gasped. “Jesus, Keary!”
“You went through six more surgeries and it was three weeks before you came to.” Keary had to stop and take a deep breath and wipe his eyes. Blackie had his head in his hands.
“Every minute of those three weeks we were terrified to answer the phone because they didn’t give you much chance of pulling through. The orthopaedic surgeons told us you’d never walk again. There are bone grafts from your legs plus cadaver bone in there. All those bone fragments tore the hell out of your insides, so they had to remove half your bladder. Then there was the horror of watching you go through all the pain you suffered. And believe me you really suffered. And then we had to watch you struggle to learn how to walk all over again. I couldn’t take that again, buddy, I love you too much.”
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Blackie said, wiping his face. “Listen, I’m going for a drive. I need to be alone. Meg, can you stay here in the house tonight? I need to talk to you. I’ll talk to you in the morning, Keary. Call that shrink you’re always bugging me to see first thing tomorrow and make an appointment for me. Thanks.” He turned, went out and they heard the Porsche start up and roar away.
Meg panicked. She felt like she had caused this by letting him ride Sandman. “I’m really sorry; I didn’t mean to cause trouble. I feel so awful that I upset all of you and now Blackie is miserable. I think I should leave.”
“No!” Keary said, “Please don’t do that; he’ll need to talk to you.”
Jill came back down with Sean.
“Did Blackie leave? He was upset wasn’t he?” She asked. “Did you tell them all the horrors?”
“Yes.” Keary said sadly. “He went for a drive. He wants Meg to stay here tonight. He asked me to call Dr.Walhman and make an appointment for him.”
“Oh God!” Jill said, biting her lip. “Did he really? Well maybe it’s the best thing. He needs help with all of it.”
“Is it okay if I stay? I did bring clothes with me today, but they’re in his apartment.”
“Of course, it’s fine. Let’s run down and get them before he gets back. Meg, don’t worry. He actually needs to work through the feelings he has about the accident and guilt about his past. The impact of the accident and the trauma it caused him physically and emotionally is still in his head. So I think it’s better to get it out now and let him work on it.”
“I guess. I just feel so awful that I made him feel this bad and I wouldn’t have let him ride my horse if I had known.”
“That’s another thing we can talk more about. You can’t get anything settled with him when he’s angry or upset. Maybe if we get his doctors’ okay, he’ll be able to do some dressage. You can see how traumatic this whole thing has been for all of us.” Keary said.
“Meg, he’s going to be fine. It’ll be good if he goes to see this doctor. Maybe he can help him sort it out.” Jill said.
“Oh, what happened to the horse?” Meg asked.
Keary frowned and looked at Sean. “Do you know, Sean? I didn’t even think about it.”
“Me neither. It was so chaotic getting him to the hospital, I didn’t notice or care that much. I’m sure the owner took care of it.”
SEVENTEEN
Meg woke up the next morning in a strange bedroom and had no idea where she was. Then it came to her that she was in Blackie’s family’s house and realized that he hadn’t come home and talked to her last night. She jumped out of bed, pulled on some clothes, brushed her teeth and bounded downstairs to find Jill and Keary drinking coffee.
“What happened to Blackie?” She demanded. “He was supposed to come back and talk.”
“He’s in his apartment.” Jill said. “His car was there this morning but I have no idea what time he got in. Usually his car wakes me up.”
“I think he’ll come up when he’s ready. He said he’d talk to us today. I made an appointment for him at eleven, so he’ll need to get up soon,” Keary said.
Meg grabbed some coffee and a donut and sat down. She could hardly sit still, jumping up and pouring more coffee.
“Meg, calm down, he’s going to be good,” Jill said.
“I hope so.” Meg said.
In a few minutes, Blackie walked into the kitchen. He looked good but tired. He was freshly showered, shaved and dressed to go out.
“Good morning.” He said seriously.
He came over, kissed Meg gently and sighed. He turned and got some coffee and sat down. She didn’t like the look in his eyes. It scared her.
“How are you this morning?” Keary asked.
“I don’t know yet. Did you make an appointment for me?”
“Yes, it’s at eleven. Did you get any sleep?”
“No.” Blackie said and looked at his watch. “Where’s Sean? I need to talk to all of you.”
“He’s still asleep, I think, I’ll go get him,” Keary said.
“Okay.” Blackie said. He stared into his coffee cup and didn’t say anything. Meg had a sinking feeling in her belly. She reached over, hesitantly, and took his hand. He put hers to his lips and kissed it. Just then, Sean and Keary came down the steps. Sean came over and ruffled Blackie’s hair and said, “Hey, buddy.”
Blackie smiled up at Sean and said, “You look like shit.”
“I do, yes.” Sean laughed.
Sean’s face was pretty much black and blue. He got coffee and a donut and sat down.
Blackie said, nervously. “I thought about this all night and what I wanted to say. First of all I want to apologize for any pain or worry that I’ve caused you.” Jill started to protest, but he stopped her.
“No, Jill let me say what I have to say. I’m not sure what I’m finally going to do. For right now though, I promise I will not ride, at all.” Meg touched his arm in sympathy and he shook his head.
“Meg, it’s okay. Let me finish. I have to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, but for right now, I won’t ride. I want a normal life. I want a life with a good woman and I realized I don’t want her to end up with a man in a wheelchair. I don’t want to be crippled either. I want kids and I might not be able to if I’m crippled. I don’t know, maybe I’ll go back to school.” He rubbed his hands over his face and looked at Meg who had tears in her eyes.
“Hey, don’t cry, Meg, this is the best thing to do for everyone.”
“Blackie, I know how hard this will be for you,” Keary said.
“Keary, you have no idea how difficult this is going to be,” Blackie said, annoyed.
“You’re right, yes. I never had the passion for riding that you have. I’m very happy
that you decided to do this. It’s unselfish of you. We’ll help you as much as we can. I’m sorry I’ve been so hard on you about it. You know it’s because I love you.” Keary said.
“I know. I love you guys too. Just be patient with me because I probably won’t be in a cheerful mood all the time. I have a lot more to say. Keary said something yesterday about coming clean with Meg. I have a lot to tell her but there’s a lot that you guys don’t even know.” He looked at his watch again.
“I have to leave in forty-five minutes if I’m going to be on time.” He sat back, looked at Meg and blew out a sigh. “Meg, I know I should have told you up front, but I was afraid if I did, it would be the end for me.”
“Oh, Blackie, don’t say that.”
“Let me get this out.” He hesitated for a minute and then said, “First, I’m an alcoholic
and a drug addict.”
“But I’ve never seen you drunk,” she protested.
“I’m a binge drinker, which is bad. If something sets me off, I’ll drink until I can’t stand up. Alcohol poisoning is very dangerous and I’ve gotten pretty close to killing myself a few times.”
Jill gasped at this statement and started crying softly.
“Jill, you’re not helping me.” Blackie said, giving her a sympathetic look. Keary put his arm around her.
“I’m addicted to marijuana, morphine, cocaine,
prescription pain meds and I’ve tried heroin. I’ve been in rehab three or four times. You all know some about the women but there’s more.” He glanced at Meg.
“Meg, I hate to tell you this. I’m so ashamed of it all. I can’t believe some of the things I’ve done.” He took a deep breath and shook his head. He went on again in a few minutes.
“I started meeting women at the Jockey Club parties or parties that Mickey got together. They were showgirls or party girls that were sort of groupies. Then later, they were all hookers.” He stopped, looked at Meg again and there was so much pain and remorse in his eyes.
“Then I started getting invited by these rich society women to their estates in the Hamptons. I went for the whole weekend. Of course most of the time, I was either drunk or high. I got to be a very popular houseguest. It was basically nothing but weekends of sex, drugs, gambling and drinking. Of course, the accident put an end to all of it.
That’s part of the reason I was so sick after it. I was also going through withdrawal from various substances. Once, I broke into Mickey’s office, looking for drugs because he always had a stash in there.”
“Christ, if I could find that bastard, I’d kill him!” Keary said.
“What I found was a ledger that he kept of fees that were paid to him. He kept all the drug deals in there. What I found was that, for the weekends I was in the Hamptons, Mickey got paid $20,000 a pop. So, I became a high-paid hooker myself. That’s when I fired him.” He said with a frown.
“Blackie, that wasn’t your fault, you were taken advantage of by Mickey because of your drug problems.” Jill retorted, her face flushed with anger.
“No, I was an adult and knew exactly what I was doing. I’ve done some bad shit, you guys. If I wasn’t a bad person, then how could Mickey corrupt me?” He looked like a whipped puppy.
“Blackie, why didn’t you tell me?” Meg asked, saddened by his misery.
“Meg, I couldn’t. Why do you think I question the fact that I’m alive?”
“What do you mean, you question that you’re alive?’ Keary asked.
“Because I don’t understand why I didn’t die on that racetrack. All the bad things I’ve done, why would God save me? Why would he give me, of all people, a second chance?” he said with tears in his eyes.
“Oh my God, honey, you’re not a bad person. You have to believe that!” Jill said, sobbing.
“Christ, I’m so fucked up! All this shit is in my head, all the time and it makes me crazy. I can’t race anymore, so what do I do the rest of my life?” Blackie said, putting his head in his hands. “Meg, I think you’re making a serious mistake being with me. I’m really messed up. I don’t know if this doctor can help me. I better go. I’ll see you when I get home.”
* * *
About three hours later, Blackie pulled up by the barn and sat in the Porsche. Jill stood at the dining room window and watched him.
“He’s still just sitting in that car. I hope everything went well with Dr. Wahlman. I’m so worried about him and you too, Meg. I want you guys to be happy and I don’t want all this crap to ruin things for you.”
“I’m going to do my best not to let it, Jill. There’s only so much I can do. Blackie has to come to terms with his past.”
“He’s coming up here,” Jill said as she quickly sat down.
Blackie walked in the door looking very tired with red, puffy eyes.
“Hi, guys.” He said, walked over to Meg, pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair.
“Can you ever forgive me for this awful mess?”
“Blackie, first you have to forgive yourself,” she said, holding him tight. He backed up and looked at her.
“That’s what Dr. Wahlman said.”
He let her go and walked out to the kitchen coming back with coffee. He sat next to Meg and took her hand.
“How did it go?” Keary asked.
“Okay, I guess. He asked me a lot of questions. We got into the whole accident thing and that took a lot of time. We talked about all the shit that happened with Mickey. He thinks there’s a lot of subconscious crap that I’ve buried. There’s so much I can’t remember thanks to the drugs and alcohol. He says he wants to hypnotize me to get some of it to surface. Do you guys think I should do that? He said he needs my permission.”
“I think you should do whatever he thinks will help, Blackie.” Keary said.
“I’m tired. I didn’t sleep last night and then talking to him wore me out. I think I’ll eat something and then crash in the TV room.”
Blackie got up and went to the kitchen to scrounge something to eat. Jill motioned to Meg to go help him.
“Can I fix you something?” She asked him and leaned against him.
“I don’t know what I want,” he said, standing there with the fridge door open.
“There’s chicken, I can nuke some for you.”
“You don’t have to wait on me. I can do it!” he said, a little annoyed and slammed the fridge door.
“I know you can. Maybe I just came out here to be with you.”
“I’m sorry; I’m too tired to be around.” He leaned into her and gave her a soft kiss.
“Do you think you can handle all this? Do you think you can handle me and all my shit?” he said seriously.
“I don’t know, but I’m willing to try.” She said, not confident that she could.
“That’s just what I needed to hear from you. I can’t do this without you, Meg. Hopefully, if I get myself straight, I’ll be a decent person to live with.” He kissed her urgently this time and she kissed him back just as passionately. God, she wanted him so bad she was losing control.
“Forget the food, let’s go take that nap,” he said as he took her hand and pulled her toward the TV room.
She figured this was going to turn into another no sex session of hot passion like it usually did. At this point, she didn’t care. A little passion would be preferable to the last couple of days of fighting, hearing about the accident, and revelations from the past. Meg needed some real comforting and figured Blackie did too. They were both emotionally spent. He pulled his boots off and flopped on the sofa, turning on the TV. He patted the sofa next to him. As soon as she sat down, he put his arm around her shoulder and hugged tight.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. All this has drained me,” he said wearily.
She could hear the stress in his voice and feel the tension in his body. “I know. Me too.”
“I’m sorry to put you through all this. I’m going to try very hard to get my head straight.”
“I know you will. Let’s lie down and get some sleep. I’m too tired to talk rationally about anything.”
“You’re right,” he said scooting them into a prone position, folding her against his body.
* * *
Sometime later, Meg felt someone touching her arm and opened her eyes. Jill was next to her kneeling on the floor.
“Shhh. Do you guys want to eat? I’ll let you wake him up,” Jill whispered. Meg nodded and Jill left the room. Blackie was out. He was breathing a little heavy and she could tell he was in a deep sleep. She slowly wiggled out from under his arm. He mumbled something and turned over onto his back, still sound asleep. She had to smile because he had half an erection going on. She wondered what he was doing in his sleep. God, he was beautiful!
She tore herself away, went into the dining room and realized she was famished.
“Hey, where’s the man?” Keary asked.
“He’s out like a light. He’s so tired I thought I’d let him sleep and he can eat when he wakes up. I know I’m hungry,” she said digging into the usual huge buffet.
“How’s he doing?” Jill asked.
“I’m not sure. I got the impression that he was feeling hopeful that Dr. Wahlman can help him.”
“That’s good. I hope so too,” Jill said.
Keary, Jill and Meg finished eating and were talking for about an hour when Blackie padded down the
hall. He looked like he was still half-asleep. He sat down next to Meg, put his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes.
“Are you awake, sweetie?” Jill asked him.
“No, but I’m starving to death,” he said, sleepily.
“Can you get your own food?” Meg asked him.
“Yes, as soon as I’m awake enough to hold a plate,” he said, rubbing the side of his head against her. He sat up and opened his eyes. He looked at her and smiled. He was adorable; all sleepy and tousled.
“Hey, Keary, what’s up?”
“Not much. Did I tell you what the accountants had to say?”
“No, how bad is it?” Blackie asked him.
“Hey it’s good! Profits are up this year. Of course, we’re not back to where we were when you were riding.” Keary said, and then was sorry he’d said it.
“Oh, yeah,” Blackie said, sadly.
“Sorry I brought it up, buddy.” Keary said.
“That’s okay, Keary. I have to get used to it being over. I can’t get it back, so I have to move on.” Blackie said. “I think I’ll get some food. I’m so hungry, I feel sick.” He got up, heaped a plateful, went to the kitchen and got juice. Meg watched him eat and then she yawned.
“Okay you, I’m going home. I’m still tired. Good night, you two.” She said to Jill and Keary.
“Good night, Meg.” they said. Blackie got up, took her hand and walked her to her car.
“Thanks for being there for me today, Meg. I can’t wait until our date. Call me when you get in bed. I want to say good night when we’re both in bed,” he said.
“That’s a little kinky, but okay, I will.”
“You think that’s kinky, huh?” He pulled her against him and kissed her hungrily. He leaned her up against her car and put his hands under her top. He had his leg between hers and pushed it tight up against her.
“Oh, God, Blackie!” He kissed her again, almost brutally, exploring her mouth with his tongue. He then kissed her neck, her shoulder, the swell of her breast. He went down on his knees, kissed her belly and moved lower. She thought she might go crazy with desire. He got up again and she could tell he was fully aroused. He pushed his body in between her legs and she opened them more so he could get to her. Biting her neck lightly, he pushed against her harder and harder. She was getting dizzy and couldn’t breathe.
