by Jean Carroll
NINETEEN
As they were riding back to the farm, Keary glanced at Blackie and asked him, “Are you
okay?”
“No, I’m fucked,” he said.
“If there’s trouble over the fight, our lawyers can probably get you off,” Jill said.
“I don’t care about that, I mean with Meg. No woman in their right mind would want a man that acts like that.”
“She said you two were good,” Jill said.
“Yeah, wait till she thinks about it all night. Let’s go back to the club and see if that guy’s okay. I hit him pretty hard. Meg will love it if I’ve maimed the bastard,” he said.
“Are you sure you want to do that? If the police are there, they’ll arrest you,” Keary said.
“I don’t care, let’s go.”
They went back to the club, but Doug had gone home in his own car. The bartender
said he thought Doug had a broken nose, but wasn’t sure.
Blackie and the others went back to the farm. Jill offered to put antiseptic on his hands
but he refused and said he was going to bed.
* * *
Meg had quickly fallen to sleep last night from exhaustion after the fight. She didn’t sleep well though and kept waking up, thinking about the whole scene at the club. Her gut was in knots just thinking about how violent Blackie could be. She thought he was feeling better since he started seeing Dr. Wahlman. The scene last night blew her positive feelings to bits.
She wondered how badly he had hurt Doug and if the police would arrest Blackie. He hadn’t even been drinking. God knows what would have happened if alcohol had been involved. Of course Doug had been drunk enough for the both of them.
In the morning, she woke up early and lay there with this terrible feeling of unease in the pit of her stomach. How was Blackie? Should she go to the farm and confront him? Should she call him or call Jill and see what was up?
Meg didn’t know how to handle this situation with him. Would an ultimatum about the violence be too much for him? Or should she just be understanding and not make an issue of it?
She decided to call Jill and see what the situation was. She dialed the number at the farm and Jill answered.
“Jill, its Meg.” Her voice shaking.
“Good morning, sweetie, how are you?”
“I’m okay, just shaken up by last night. Has he been up there yet this morning?”
“No, I haven’t seen him. His car is gone. I don’t know what time he left. He might be headed your way. Last night he was pretty much convinced that you were going to break up with him. He was miserable. He made us go back to the club to check on that Doug guy, but he’d already left under his own steam.”
“Oh, wait; he just pulled up, Meg. He has a bag with him so he probably went to get food so he won’t have to come up here. Do you want me to call you if I find out what he’s doing?”
“I guess so. Do you think I should come over, see him and talk about it? I don’t want him to think it’s over because it’s not. I know he’s a mess but I love him too much to give up on him.”
“I’m glad to hear you say that. I was worried last night that you might call it quits. He needs to know that you’re still there for him. I’ll poke around a little and see what his mood is today. Maybe I’ll get Keary to talk to him. I’ll call you back and you should probably get ready to come over. I think it’s best if you guys talk no matter what. Bye.” Jill said and hung up.
* * *
Jill and Keary talked about the situation for a couple hours when the phone rang and it was Blackie.
“Jill, can I talk to Keary?” he asked.
“Sure, honey, how are you this morning?” He didn’t answer her so she said, “Hold on. I’ll go get him.” She put the phone down and got Keary.
“Keary, it’s Blackie on the phone and he wants you. He sounds funny.”
Keary frowned, getting up to get the phone. “Hey Blackie, what’s up?”
“Can you come down here, Keary?”
“Sure, I’ll be right down.”
Keary hung up and turned to Jill. “He wants me to go down there. This doesn’t sound good to me. I’ll call you if there’s a problem.”
* * *
Keary knocked on the apartment door and Blackie answered. He looked so serious it set alarms off in Keary’s head. He walked in and turned around. Blackie had his hands stuffed in his pockets and leaned against the wall. Keary stared at him.
“What’s up, buddy?” Blackie just stared back for a long time and Keary was starting to sweat.
“I’ve been looking at that for a couple of hours.” He nodded his head in the direction of the kitchen counter. Keary turned and followed his gaze. Sitting there were two quarts of Jameson, one opened and a glassful already poured.
“Good Christ, Blackie, how much have you had?” Keary exclaimed.
“None yet.” Blackie said, glaring at the liquor.
“What do you want me to do?”
“Talk to me.” Blackie said, sort of in a daze.
“You do like the dear stuff, then.”
“If you’re going to get bolloxed, you should do it right.”
“Are you going to drink it and what can I say to talk you out of it?” Keary asked.
“Keary, I thought I had this under control. After the accident, I pretty much dried out completely and haven’t had a problem. This is scaring me because I really want to drink that, all of it. I thought I was doing really well and Dr. Wahlman was helping me. I don’t believe what I did last night. Now today all I want to do is drink.” Blackie said, his shoulders and mouth slumped.
“Last night wasn’t that bad. The guy didn’t press charges. He was drunk anyway. Why has it made you this miserable?” Keary asked.
“Because I’m an idiot! I’ve screwed everything up with Meg and I can’t handle it.”
“You haven’t screwed up with her. She’s already called after your dumb ass this morning. The girl loves you, man. When are you going to quit pissing around and get to it?”
“I don’t know. I’m an asshole. Did she really call?”
“Yes. She wants you, dummy. What do you think would happen if she came here
and found you hammered?”
“It’d be all over,” Blackie said shaking his head.
“Well don’t let it happen. Do you want her more than you want this shit?”
“You bet I do. I want her more than anything in the world,” Blackie said.
“What can I do to help you?” Keary asked.
“Pour it down the drain.”
“You come here and do it.”
“I can’t, I want it too bad.”
“Yes you can. Come here, I’ll help you.” Keary pleaded. Blackie stood there for a long time, looking at the bottles. Then he looked at Keary and Keary almost cried at the pain in his eyes.
“Come here,” Keary said, holding out his hand.
“I can’t believe it still has this much power over me.” Blackie said, taking a step toward Keary.
“I love you, buddy. Come here and we’ll do it together.” Blackie walked slowly over to Keary and he put his arm around Blackie.
“Come on show me that you want Meg and a wonderful life with her and you don’t need this crap.”
Blackie picked up the glass and Keary broke out in a cold sweat. After a few minutes, he poured it down the drain. Then he picked up the bottles, one in each hand and poured them away, too. Keary hugged him and Blackie let out a sob.
“Keary, I can’t let this happen again. I have to find some other way to cope when something happens.”
“You will, just stick with Dr. Wahlman. He’s an expert on addictions among other things. I think he can help you and we’re all here for you, including Meg. Come up to the house and get something to eat. Talk to your sister. She’s worried about you. Hey, you should be proud of yourself. You just did a big thing, pouring that out. I’m proud of you!” Keary said, hugging him aga
in.
“I love you, Keary.”
* * *
They both walked up to the house. Jill was in the kitchen and looked at Keary with raised eyebrows. He just rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“Hi, you two. Are you hungry, honey?” she said to Blackie. She could see that he was miserable. She hugged him and said, “Are you okay?”
“I am now. Is Meg coming over? I miss her. Is she pissed at me?
“No, she’s worried about you. Call her and tell her you want to see her. She’s waiting for a call.” Jill told him.
“Okay and yes I am hungry,” he told Jill as he released her and went to the phone. He sat there for a few minutes, fidgeting with his hands.
“Are you sure she wants me to call her?”
“Absolutely.”
* * *
Meg was moping around when the phone rang. She answered it, thinking it was Jill.
“Hello,” she said but no one answered.
“Hello,” she snapped.
“Meg.” Blackie said quietly.
“Hi, I’m glad you called. I was worried about you.”
“I’m okay. Do you want to come over today?” He asked clearing his throat.
“Of course. I’ll be there soon. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I’ll see you,” and he hung up.
She thought he sounded a little funny but was happy he called. She was eager to see him and knew they had to talk about last night. He was human and she didn’t want him to think every time he messed up, she was going to bail. She jumped in her car and sped out to the farm.
* * *
When Blackie hung up, he said to Jill and Keary, “She’s coming out. I guess I better tell her what just happened. I need to be brutally honest with her at this point.”
“I’d say so, yes. She needs to know,” Keary said.
“Know what?” Jill asked.
“You want to tell her or should I?” Keary said.
“Why don’t I tell her when I tell Meg? I don’t want to talk about it twice. Anyway, I’m starving,” he said. He went into the dining room to get breakfast. Jill grabbed Keary and whispered.
“What happened?”
“Shhh, he’s okay now. Let him tell you. Things were dicey with him earlier, but he did great,” Keary whispered back. They went into the dining room, got food and sat down with Blackie to eat. He picked at his food and didn’t say anything.
“I thought you were hungry?” Jill said.
“I guess I’m not. I don’t feel all that good. My stomach’s in knots. I’ll just drink some
juice,” he said. He got juice but still just picked at the food.
* * *
When Meg got to the farm, she parked next to the Porsche and went up to the
house. Jill, Keary and Blackie were all in the dining room
“Good morning, you guys.” She said and went over and kissed Blackie.
“Hey, good morning,” he said with a shrug.
“Are you okay?” She asked him and he turned his head away.
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” he told her.
“Oh. Are you still upset about last night? I mean we’re good but we’ve got to talk about it.” She said and got something to eat.
“We do need to talk and there’s more to talk about today,” he said looking at the floor. She turned around and stared at him.
“Oh, really?” She said and he nodded.
“Why don’t you eat first and then we’ll talk.” She saw Keary and Jill exchange worried looks.
Great! What now? Wasn’t last night enough?
She sat down next to him and he paled. She touched his arm and said softly,
“Blackie, whatever it is, it’s okay. Come on, don’t look so nervous. I love you,” she said and kissed him. He kissed her back and his eyes welled up.
“Honey, what is it?” She put her arm around him and hugged him.
“I bought two bottles of Irish this morning and was going to drink both of them because I figured last night blew it with you,” he blurted out. She sat there with her mouth open, shocked at this revelation.
“Did you drink any?” She asked him and looked at Jill and Keary who were wide-eyed.
“I didn’t, no, but I wanted to. I called Keary and he talked me out of it. I thought I could handle things better than this. I thought I had the drinking under control, but I guess I don’t.” He said, hanging his head.
“Blackie, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, I get it.” He said and started to get up.
“Wait, where are you going? Sit down and let’s get through this. You can’t run away from this. You have to face it. You can’t run away from me either. I’m here to be with you through this. You have to trust me, Blackie.”
“Are you serious? You still want to be with me after this?” he said, staring at her.
“Yes, that’s what I just said. What don’t you understand about I love you? This stuff scares the hell out of me, but what if I had a problem that was difficult and scary; would you break up with me?”
“Of course not.”
“Well, I won’t either,” she told him. “What did you do with the liquor?”
“I poured it down the drain,” he said.
“That’s great! You didn’t drink it. That’s wonderful.”
“Yes but Keary had to help me. If I hadn’t called him, I’d be wasted by now.”
“But you did ask for help. That’s what people who love you are here for; to help you when it gets tough.”
“I don’t deserve you, Meg. Is briá liom tú.”I love you.
“What did you say?”
“I said, I love you, in Irish.”
“Awww, I love you too, Blackie.”
He pulled her onto his lap and kissed her. “Where do we go from here?’
“What do you mean?”
“Are we still dating? Do you trust me enough to be with me?” he asked.
“Of course! I’ve always trusted you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me, ever.” She said, looking into his eyes. “I think you have to start trusting yourself.”
“Thank you,” he said, stroking her hair. “Can I see you Friday night? I have tickets to a concert.”
“Yes, that would be great. We need to get back on track.”
“Guess what?” he said with a little smile.
“What?”
“I’m really hungry.” They all laughed.
TWENTY
Blackie and Meg were speeding along I-95 after taking in a Dave Matthews concert at the
Kennedy Center in DC. They had a wonderful time, Blackie holding her hand all evening. He was relaxed and his eyes shone with some emotion she couldn’t put her finger on.
On the way back to Georgetown, they talked a little about the concert and made plans for the horses’ training. Mostly he was quiet.
She knew she loved him and wanted to be with him. So far he hadn’t made any moves in that direction. She wanted to be able to touch him so much. Just the thought of being able to touch him anywhere she wanted, anytime, was taking over her brain. Three weeks ago, she had bought a box of condoms. Wishful thinking!
He slid the Porsche to a stop in front of her condo and walked her to the door. He stared at her for a few minutes.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just like looking at you in the lamplight.” He bent and kissed her gently, then pulled her close and kissed her deeper. She made a little sighing, moaning sound.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes, I’m very okay.”
He smiled and said he would see her tomorrow, got in his car and pulled away.
She unlocked her door, not bothering with the lights. Throwing her keys on the foyer
table, she went upstairs and took a long, hot shower. She put on boxers and a tank top and crawled into bed.
Crap! It’s only eleven. Great.
* * *
Jill and Keary were in their bedroom. Keary was asleep and she was reading. She
heard the Porsche pull up by the barn and jumped up to look out her window.
“Damnit! Blackie’s home.”
Keary woke up and asked her what was wrong. “Oh, Blackie just drove up.”
“What’s wrong with that, he always drives up to the barn?”
“That’s the point, I was hoping he would finally stay overnight with Meg.”
“So, let me understand this. We’re up and awake, hoping Blackie’s going to get laid?”
“Exactly. Hey wait, he’s turning around and leaving! Yes, he’s going back!” she said with
a fist pump.
“You’re that excited?”
“Mother of God, Keary, where have you been?”
“Well, honey, come back to bed and I’ll show you how excited I am that Blackie’s going
to get laid.”
* * *
Meg had fallen asleep when a noise outside woke her. She went to her window and Blackie’s car was out front idling.
Oh, God, something must have happened. Maybe he was in an accident.
She ran downstairs, opened the door and he was just standing there looking down at his shoes.
He raised his eyes to her and she said, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” He said staring at her. “Can I stay until morning?”
She couldn’t say anything. She was in shock.
“Please don’t say no.” He said biting his bottom lip.
She opened the door wide and said, “I thought you’d never ask.”
He walked in and stood there looking at her. He took her hand, kissed her palm
and then pulled her to him and kissed her. They both put their arms around each other and
he kissed her harder. Their tongues met and sparks went off in her head. They broke apart and he
handed her a package he had in his pocket. “I stopped at the drugstore and bought condoms.
Wishful thinking, I guess.”
He smiled and so did she. He pulled her into him again and they kissed deeper and more
urgently.
“Let’s go upstairs,” he said his voice husky.
He took her hand, pulled her up the steps and she led him to her bedroom. He put his
hands under her top and gently caressed her.
She gasped with pleasure, pulled his shirt off and said, “Can I touch you?”
