Warrior Spirit (The King of Ireland Book 1)

by Jean Carroll

  “That’s okay Katie, I’m happy for you guys.”

  “I’m not sure we’re still doing it on Saturday. I was thinking that maybe …

  “What? Why aren’t we getting married?”

  “I was thinking we could plan a really beautiful wedding in Ireland,” he said taking a long drink of his soda.

  “Oh, you were. So now that I’m not pregnant, forget getting married.”

  He choked, the Coke came out his nose and he spit it in his plate.

  “What the fuck did you just say to me?” he said, red-faced.

  “Blackie!” Jill exclaimed.

  “Shut up,” he snarled at Jill.

  “Why would you change our wedding date?” Meg asked, just as furious.

  “Why the hell would you say something like that to me? You know how upset I was that you were pregnant and we weren’t married,” he yelled.

  “I know that. I’m disappointed. I was excited about getting married Saturday,” she said, glaring at him.

  “And you don’t think I was. I just said to Jill and Keary yesterday how I wished I had that ring on my finger.”

  “I’m confused now,” she said, red-faced and eyes welling.

  “Confused about what? About whether I love you or not? About if I wanted the baby? I can’t believe you don’t know me better than that,” he yelled in her face.

  “Blackie, take it easy on her,” Jill said.

  “Jill, damnit, stay out of this. It’s between me and her.”

  “How could you hurt me like that? You really think, that now because you’re no longer carrying my baby, I don’t want to marry you?” he yelled and slammed his fist on the table.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I said something so stupid. I find it hard to believe that you want to marry me anyway. So, I was overwhelmed that it was actually going to happen. Then when you changed it,” she said starting to cry.

  “Oh, that’s just great. Start crying! Make me feel guilty. That’s a great weapon you women have. You know how I hate it when you cry.” He was up and pacing now.

  “I’m crying because I feel bad because I hurt you. I didn’t mean to,” she said still crying.

  “Fine we’ll get married on Saturday. I just wanted it to be special, not just a quick thing because you were pregnant. I wanted it to be a fairytale day for you with this gorgeous gown. You know, you’re fucking spoiled. I give you every damn thing you want. You’re just mean. I don’t say mean shit to you like that,” he said.

  “God, she just lost the baby yesterday, take it easy.” Jill said.

  “I lost the baby yesterday, too. Just because it wasn’t in my body doesn’t mean I didn’t love it too,” he said.

  “Honey, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. My emotions are messed up right now,” she said sobbing.

  “Fuck it! I’m out of here. I’m going to go help Sean,” he said putting his boots on and slamming out the door.

  “Blackie,” Meg yelled after him but he was gone. She put her head down and sobbed.

  “God, Jill, what’s wrong with me. Why did I say that to him? I know better,” she cried.

  “Meg, it’s the hormones, but he should have talked it over with you instead of just blurting out that the plans were changed,” Jill said.

  “I’m such an idiot.”

  “So is he. Look you’ve both been very stressed the last few days. Neither one of you is thinking straight right now,” Jill said. We heard a lot of banging from downstairs.

  “What’s that?” Katie said.

  “He’s mad and throwing stuff around.” Jill told her. “Meg, he’ll calm down.”

  “I know but I can’t believe I said something so awful to him.”

  Just then, Blackie came back in, slamming the door, and stomped into the kitchen. He leaned against the counter, hands in his pockets and scowled at her.

  “You don’t believe I’d do that, do you? You can’t believe I’m capable of doing that.”

  “No, of course I don’t. I’m a jerk. I’m sorry I said that to you.” He paced back and forth a couple times, hands still in his pockets.

  “Come here, honey,” she said. “I really love you so much. Please forgive me.”

  “Don’t you believe that I love you?”

  “Yes, I know you love me.”

  “I asked you to marry me and I meant it. I don’t say things frivolously.”

  “I know.”

  “Don’t say you know because I’m not sure you know me,” he said defensively.

  “I just have a hard time believing it’s going to happen,” she said.

  “Why not? I don’t understand that,” he said.

  “I guess I’m insecure.”

  “Insecure about what? My love for you? What do I have to do to prove it?”

  “You don’t have to do anything; you’ve more than proven your love to me. It’s me. I don’t think I’m good enough, or something,” she said.

  “What? You don’t think you’re good enough? For me? That’s ridiculous, Meg! I’m the one that’s no damn good. I mean, look at my past. I have a hard time believing you’d want to marry me!” He said pacing again.

  “I want to marry you more than anything. I’m just an idiot! And stop looking at me like you hate me.”

  “What? Meg, stop it! This isn’t hate; it’s anger. I’m pissed at you. How could I hate you when I love you so much? I’m always getting angry at someone around here. What about the fights I have with Sean? Just because I’m angry at him doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore. That’s the way families are.” He said looking at her quizzically for a second. “You know. I just realized something. You’ve never had a family to interact with.”

  “I have relatives. I had a family when I was little before my folks died.”

  “I have lots of relatives, but I’m talking about close family. I’ve been surrounded by people my whole life who I knew loved me. You haven’t. Maybe that’s why you feel insecure. I want to marry you, pregnant or not because I love you, very much,” he said looking down at her. She started to cry again and blubbered, “I love you too.”

  He knelt down in front of her so they were eye to eye “We can get married on Saturday if you want. As far as I’m concerned, we’re already married.”

  “What do you mean? Because we love each other?” she asked him.

  “Yes, that too, but because I’m yours, body and soul, faithful till I draw my last breath and I think you feel the same way about me. So, I think, in the eyes of God, we’re already married. The ceremony is just a formality.”

  “Oh, Blackie, I do feel the same way. Let’s put it off and plan a wedding in Ireland. I know you’d rather be married there.”

  “I didn’t like that dress anyway. It’s not my idea of a wedding dress,” he said, finally smiling at her.

  She took his face in her hands and said. “I’m really sorry.”

  “Forget it,” he said and kissed her tenderly. “You know how much I wanted that baby.”

  “I know, just as much as me,” she said and he kissed her again, hungrily.

  Jill cleared her throat and they both jumped. They forgot Jill and Katie were there. The women were both crying.

  “Oh, Jesus! I don’t believe it. You women will cry at the drop of a hat,” he said laughing.

  “That was so sweet, though,” Katie said, dabbing at her eyes.

  “Don’t you and Sean say stuff like that to each other,” Blackie asked her.

  “Not really, but we don’t fight like you two either,” she said.

  “Sean doesn’t have my temper.”

  “You know, Meg, Coke feels like shit, coming out your nose.” He said, kissing her neck until she giggled.

  “Okay, can I finish eating now? I’m hungry again. I need to fix another sandwich.”

  “You know, honey, you really should think about politics,” Jill said.

  “Are you guys still on that rag?” he snorted a laugh.

  “But you’re very good at arguin
g your point and when you know you’re right, you get fired up about it. Why don’t you talk to Dad more about it?” Jill said.

  “I told Keary and Dad I’d think about it but I haven’t yet. Maybe I will,” he said.

  “I’m getting kinda tired, I think I’ll lie down again,” Meg told them. “Blackie, if you want to do something else, I’ll be fine.”

  “I might join you. I suddenly feel tired myself. Jill, we’ll probably see you guys at dinner.”

  “Okay, you two, rest up. We’ll see you later,” Jill said as she and Katie got up and left.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Meg fell asleep again and woke up around three in the afternoon. She opened her eyes

  and looked over but Blackie hadn’t moved a muscle. He was really out. She hoped he was sleeping the drugs out of his system. Realizing she was famished, she threw on jeans,

  sneakers and a sweatshirt. When she walked into the kitchen, Jill was there by herself.

  “Hi, sweetie, how are you doing?”

  “I’m doing so much better; I got up and took a shower, got back in bed and just woke up. I decided I was starving, so here I am.”

  “What can I fix you, then?”

  “I’ll poke around and fix myself something. You just sit still and talk to me while I eat.”

  “It’s a deal. What’s my little brother doing?”

  “Sleeping. He’s out like a light. I hope he’ll be back to normal soon.”

  “Me too. How are you feeling about him taking the drugs?”

  “I’m terrified about it, frankly. I can’t believe he’s still handling problems that way. I told him I need to be confident that he’s not going to do this anymore. He said he’d make sure I would know that I could count on him. I know that scared and hurt him. But Jill, we want to have a child together. I wonder about bringing a child into a home where the father takes drugs when something goes wrong?”

  “I don’t blame you, Meg. It’s bad enough he’s endangering his own life, but now he’s drawn you into it. He has to get himself together.”

  “Jill, you know how much I love him. I can’t live without him, but he’s got to change something.”

  “Well, he’s supposed to go to New York with Sean tomorrow and I don’t know what that’s about. He sees Dr. Wahlman next week so I’m hoping that will help him get things sorted out.”

  * * *

  The next morning Meg was startled awake by Blackie sitting bolt upright in bed and calling for her.

  “Meg, Meg, what day is it?

  “What? Honey, ah, it’s Thursday.

  “What time is it?” He turned the light on and looked at the clock.

  “It’s six-thirty and I’m supposed to go to New York with Sean today.” He dialed the number up at the house.

  “Jill, is Sean there?” Pause.

  “Good morning, Sean, are we still going? Okay, give me about twenty minutes and I’ll be up. I’ve got to eat something before we leave. Is the plane ready? Okay, I’ll drive my car.” He hung up, rolled out of bed and jogged into the bathroom. As soon as she heard the shower going, she went back to sleep. It wasn’t long and she felt him on the bed. He was on his knees, straddling her.

  “Good morning, sweetie. How are you feeling?” he said nuzzling her cheek. His scent wafted over her like some erotic perfume.

  “God, you smell good,” she said putting her arms around his neck and pulling him down on top of her.

  “I just took a shower,” he said. She ran her hands over the muscles in his back and down to his butt.

  “Mmm, I hate to leave you when you’re all warm and soft like this,” he said, kissing her neck again.

  “Oh, do you have to leave right away?” she said, experiencing a huge rush of desire.

  “I do, yes. Sean is waiting for me.” He said, getting up and opening his closet.

  She got up and went in the bathroom. When she came out he was dressed in a tan suit with a black shirt and tie. He was sitting on the bed pulling on black socks and soft, leather loafers the color of the suit. She moved in between his legs and hugged him into her.

  “Meg, you’re making it really hard to leave you,” he said putting his arms around her and snuggling his face into her breasts.

  “We’re not supposed to be doing this anyway, remember.”

  “I know. I don’t want you to leave,” she said kissing his forehead.

  “But I have to,” he said and stood up. “I’ll see you tonight. Love you, baby.”

  “You guys be careful in New York,” she told him.

  “We will, bye,” and he was out the door.

  She sighed and went back to bed, trying not to think about how much she wanted him.

  * * *

  Blackie finished eating, got Sean and they left in the Porsche. Almost as soon as they turned out of the driveway, Blackie said, “Sean, I’m in trouble.”

  “Why, what’s wrong? Is Keary still on your ass about the pills?”

  “No, it’s Meg. I think she’s having second thoughts about being with me,” Blackie said sadly.

  “No, man, that’s impossible. She’s crazy about you. I know she wants to have another baby with you, Katie told me.”

  “Well yesterday she kinda laid the law down. She said she needed to know she could count on me as a partner.”

  “What’s wrong with that? Every woman needs to know her man is dependable. That doesn’t mean she’s breaking up with you.”

  “Yes, but I’m not dependable, Sean. All I’ve ever shown her is my instability. She hasn’t seen anything yet that tells her I’m dependable. Look what I just did. She loses our baby and I go and get wasted.”

  “She loves you, buddy. She’ll hang in there.”

  “I don’t know. I‘ve got to get my shit together somehow. I have to show her something good. ”

  “Talk to Dr. Wahlman about it,” Sean said.

  “I guess.”

  “Katie said you guys aren’t getting married on Saturday. Was that her idea?”

  “No, it was mine. I thought it would be neat to plan a beautiful wedding in Ireland but she got pissed. Said now that she wasn’t carrying my baby, I didn’t want to marry her.”

  “You should have gone through with it. Katie said you guys had a huge fight.”

  “The trouble is now I think she’s glad we’re not getting married on Saturday,”

  “Maybe she’s scared,” Sean said.

  “I wouldn’t blame her. Sean, I can’t lose her. What am I going to do?”

  “Are you buying her engagement ring today?”

  “I was planning on it.”

  “Maybe that will let her know you’re serious.”

  “She knows I’m serious about marriage. I’m also sure she doesn’t think I’m good husband material.”

  “How could she think that?” Sean asked.

  “Would you consider marrying a guy who’s an alcoholic and drug addict; a guy who is supposed to be sober but resorts to drug use as soon as the going gets tough?”

  “Well, I don’t know. I think you’re jumping to conclusions. I don’t think it’s as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

  “We’ll see,” Blackie said.

  “Come on, buddy, cheer up. Let’s make this a fun trip. I’d buy her the ring if I were you.”

  “I am, yes. I just hope I get to give it to her.”

  THIRTY-SIX

  Eventually life at Killarney Farms settled into a very comfortable pattern. Blackie was winning a lot of dressage competitions with Sandman and Abba, the gelding from Ireland. Meg had won a few Level I competitions with Cloudy and her new warm-blood mare. She spent more time learning from Blackie and practicing than showing.

  Blackie was getting the word out at the shows and through friends that he was trying to start a training facility. Two young guys turned up who wanted to train with Blackie. They brought their horses to the farm and Blackie was enjoying teaching and it seemed very fulfilling for him.

  He rarely ment
ioned racing and how much he missed it anymore but never went to the track with Sean. The two guys he was teaching were a couple years younger than Blackie and very accomplished riders. They both admired his ability and hung on his every word when he was teaching. Many weekends, they’d tag along when he was showing.

  Their names were Jamie and Curt and they were charming and fun. Meg had to be careful joking around with them. If they got too familiar with her, Blackie would give them a funny look, so she knew one of them had crossed a line that he didn’t like. He was thinking of taking the students’ horses with them soon so they could start competing. The four of them had a very easygoing, comfortable relationship. Blackie treated them as equals but they always deferred to him. The two of them had started eating up at the house when they were at the farm and were getting friendly with Sean and Katie.

  Katie was a little distracted with her growing pregnancy. All of them, including Jill and Keary, joked around a lot and discussed horses and riding continuously.

  Jill had a baby girl who they named Maeve and everyone doted on her. Jill was nursing and everyone was comfortable and nonchalant about it. Blackie was crazy about little Maeve and was usually holding her if Jill wasn’t nursing. Sean teased him that he would soon have to grow a breast.

  Keary was away a lot on farm business and when he was, Blackie became the designated babysitter in the evenings so Jill could do her manager job and rest. Many evenings they’d all trail back to the TV room to watch a movie and there was Blackie sound asleep on the sofa with little Maeve snoozing on his chest.

  Meg was particularly glad to see how well Blackie had taken to a baby. He’d never been around children before and it was love at first sight with little Maeve.

  Meg was anxious for them to get married and start a family too even though she worried about his drug use. But something was still holding him back. She didn’t know what it was but she was sure it wasn’t doubt he had about her or how much he loved her. It was something in himself that he doubted. She left him alone about it, knowing he would work it out. Meanwhile she made herself content with the status quo.

  Their relationship was great. Occasionally they’d have a nasty fight about some dumb thing but the make-up sex was always fantastic. Blackie as always was very loving and sweet to her. Sometimes a little too possessive to suit her, but his passion hadn’t cooled down any. Her hunger for him was almost as hot. Sean took every chance he got to tease them about how often they made love. It didn’t bother her but Blackie got pretty hot about the teasing a couple of times.