by Bev Aisbett
DEDICATION
To Sri Parvati Sundari –
for so much
CONTENTS
Dedication
Introduction
Day 1: You’re right – life can seriously SUCK at times
Working Day 1
Day 2: You’re not Robinson Crusoe
Working Day 2
Day 3: Shame, Shame, SHAME
Working Day 3
Day 4: But THEY did this to ME
Working Day 4
Day 5: Do some ARITHMETIC
Working Day 5
Day 6: A BEAR goes into a CAVE
Working Day 6
Day 7: All is NOT as it SEEMS
Working Day 7
Day 8: No EXCUSES
Working Day 8
Day 9: Only the LONELY
Working Day 9
Day 10: Little old ANGRY ME
Working Day 10
Day 11: Lessons from SIRI
Working Day 11
Day 12: D.I.Y brain surgery
Working Day 12
Day 13: Does it HELP?
Working Day 13
Day 14: It don’t MEAN a THING
Working Day 14
Day 15: Dare to be GRATEFUL
Working Day 15
Day 16: Be careful what you ASK for
Working Day 16
Day 17: I’m OUTTA here
Working Day 17
Day 18: The WORLD’S gone to SHIT
Working Day 18
Day 19: Host a PITY PARTY . . .
Working Day 19
Day 20: For the LAST TIME
Working Day 20
Day 21: Hunting down HAPPINESS
Working Day 21
Day 22: The BENEFITS of the BLUES
Working Day 22
Day 23: MOVE ALONG – nothing to see here
Working Day 23
Day 24: Forgive EVERYBODY – especially YOURSELF
Working Day 24
Day 25: The HEART of the MATTER
Working Day 25
Day 26: Self- RESCUE
Working Day 26
Day 27: SNAP OUT of IT – why the LONG FACE?
Working Day 27
Day 28: The only way is UP
Working Day 28
Day 29: STORY time
Working Day 29
Day 30: HOPE springs ETERNAL
Working Day 30
About the Author
Also by Bev Aisbett
Copyright
INTRODUCTION
All of my books are written through LIVED EXPERIENCE, so I know you’re hurting and how bad you feel. I’ve been there and I know the dark hole of depression is a HORRIBLE place to find yourself.
It may surprise you to know that I still make the occasional (but rare) return visit to that dark hole when the going gets tough.
But not for LONG and not too DEEPLY. Now I know BETTER and that’s what I’m handing on to you in this book – the things that have turned my visits into quick DROP-INS, rather than long PRISON SENTENCES.
I’m not always going to go easy on you, quite simply because patting your hand isn’t going to HELP.
All the sympathy in the world isn’t going to motivate you to MOVE ON. I’m not going to invest ONE MINUTE in your disempowerment. I’m not going to tell you you’re a VICTIM, because then you’ll start believing you are. I’m going to call on you to step up and out of this darkness because you CAN. And I believe that you got yourself into this big, dark hole because it was the only thing you knew how to do in response to STRESS, LOSS or HURT.
Those old responses of retreat, shutdown and numbness that once PROTECTED you are now not only UNHELPFUL and INEFFECTIVE, but they are also doing you HARM. It’s time to find a different way of managing the tough things that come along with life, instead of going into COLLAPSE.
Now, I’m assuming that if you’ve picked up this book it means that you’re finally fed up with being in this hole and are ready to move on. Or it may be that someone has plonked this book down in front of you because THEY’RE fed up and want you to move on.
Either way, it’s time for you to start climbing, and if you’re ready to give it your best shot and put in a bit of work on yourself, this book will guide you on that climb.
You can do the 30 Days any way you like – as DAILY exercises or WEEKLY or MONTHLY – it’s up to you. You can even go back and repeat days if you want to. All you’ll need is a pen and paper, and an open mind.
One thing I ask is this: once you’ve started, KEEP GOING. Make that commitment to yourself – because you DON’T DESERVE to feel this lousy and you really don’t NEED to.
So, are you ready? Good. Let’s get CRACKING!
DAY 1
You’re right – life can seriously SUCK at times
Yep – life is no walk in the park. It’s not EASY, it’s not SMOOTH; it doesn’t unfold all NEAT and TIDY like a Hollywood movie.
There are times when life slams you HARD. There are times when your heart BREAKS.
And if you’ve picked up this book, I suspect you’re going through (or have gone through) at least one of these times.
I HEAR YOU. I GET IT.
You could tell me your story and it would have the same title as every other story of depression – ‘It’s Not Fair.’
Well, here’s the thing. Nobody ever carved in stone ‘Life will be FAIR’. Despite this, at the heart of our disappointments and sorrows is the idea that life SHOULD be fair and that unfair things should not happen to us. And yet they DO.
If there is one ABSOLUTE in life, it is this: you WILL be challenged! However, how MUCH you are AFFECTED by these challenges is actually very much in your hands.
The first thing we need to dispose of is the idea of a ‘rewards’ system – i.e., if I do good things, I’ll be rewarded; or bad things only happen to me because I’m a ‘bad’ person or I’ve ‘failed’ in some way.
And life should punish those I deem to be bad or unworthy, and life is unjust if they get to walk away without consequence.
The notion that life is some sort of sideshow alley – where you win the teddy bear for the number of goodness points earned, or the booby prize when you don’t meet the quota – is one that keeps you in misery when things don’t turn out the way you would like.
Life ISN’T fair when it’s limited to your EXPECTATIONS. How can it be, when what might seem FAIR to you, seems UNFAIR to someone else? What seems WRONG to you may be perfectly REASONABLE to someone else.
The truth is, life is neither FAIR nor UNFAIR – it just IS.
We tend to impose HUMAN TRAITS on anything from animals to cars or even the weather – as though they have a will and CHOOSE not to do what we WANT them to do.
But does the river have a personal AGENDA to flood your house?
No – the river is just doing its THING and your house happened to be in its WAY. You might have even built your house on a FLOOD PLAIN!
And your life has been like that – things have come along and you were in the WAY of them. No matter what opinion you place upon such events – RIGHT or WRONG, FAIR or UNFAIR – they HAPPENED. And they happened to you simply because you were THERE.
Life is just rolling along like a big river, and you’re either going to insist on paddling AGAINST THE TIDE (because that would be FAIR!) or go WITH the way the CURRENT is flowing.
There IS a way to navigate life so that you don’t end up dashed against the rocks each time there’s a challenge (and this book will help STEER you); but just for now, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll AGREE with you: yes, sometimes life seems to truly SUCK. So be it.
WORKING DAY 1
&n
bsp; • Today, try to embrace the idea that life is neither FAIR nor UNFAIR. Also, let go of the idea you are being REWARDED or PUNISHED.
• On a piece of paper, write down the event or situation that you feel MOST DEPRESSED about. Next, draw a series of squares (about six squares should be enough) to represent a row of doors. Number each door.
Behind DOOR 1 is the choice (or choices) you made in response to the event you listed.
Clearly, your FIRST choice was to BECOME DEPRESSED.
Now go to DOOR 2. Behind this door is a DIFFERENT choice you could have made in the way that you responded to the situation. What ELSE could you have done, besides getting DEPRESSED? Behind each door is ANOTHER POSSIBILITY.
See how many different choices you can reveal.
• How have you put yourself IN the way of things that have happened? Reflect on how you could have moved OUT of the way instead.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 1
‘Today, I will accept my life as it IS and WAS, not as I think it SHOULD be or SHOULD HAVE been.’
‘What if I stopped taking life so PERSONALLY?’
DAY 2
You’re not Robinson Crusoe
You might feel as though you’re going through a UNIQUE experience that nobody else can possibly understand; however, depression is actually a very COMMON human experience.
Most people will experience feelings of depression at some time in their lives, usually following a LIFE CHANGE or LOSS.
In fact, there are 300 MILLION people who have been diagnosed with depression worldwide.
However, statistics can be MISLEADING – the above figure includes people who have PASSING depression (as a result of a life crisis), and this figure does not include the OUTCOME for people who have had depression.
Given that there are about 7.7 BILLION people on the planet, that leaves a lot of people who are simply going about their normal lives without any great, dark cloud hovering over them.
In fact, some people actually ENJOY life – now, there’s a CONCEPT! And there are even some people who have been where you are, who have thrown off their dark cloud and found that life can again be SATISFYING, INTERESTING and PLEASURABLE – despite being full of CHALLENGES and CONTRASTS, as it has ALWAYS been.
So, what might these people be doing that you’re not?
Let’s take a look.
They’re nice to themselves
They’ve found something to love
They have something to do
They take life as it is
They’ve moved on from the past
They’ve focused their mind on thoughts that support them
While all this might seem out of reach from where you currently are, it is POSSIBLE to feel better. It takes a COMMITMENT to do so, and that means making FEELING BETTER a PRIORITY.
The ONLY difference between those who aren’t in your emotional place and YOU is that you’re not doing the things that make you feel BETTER (including and ESPECIALLY helpful THINKING) and they ARE.
You are not being asked to FLY TO MARS or GROW AN EXTRA LEG or CURE CANCER; you are simply being asked to take a good, hard look at how YOU make life HARD for yourself and DO SOMETHING ELSE.
WORKING DAY 2
• Recognise that EVERYBODY gets down sometimes.
• I hate to tell you but you’re not that IMPORTANT! No-one is scrutinising or judging your EVERY MOVE. You’re SPECIAL – but you’re not THAT special!
• Likewise, you have not been SINGLED OUT by the universe for SUFFERING!
• Consider the QUALITIES of people who feel good about themselves and enjoy life. How might you adopt these same qualities?
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 2
‘We’re all doing the BEST we can with what we KNOW at the time.’
DAY 3
Shame, Shame, SHAME
‘You BLEW IT! You got it ALL WRONG!’
‘You’re HOPELESS! You don’t DESERVE to be HAPPY! You don’t deserve to be LOVED!’
‘What an IDIOT! Only a FOOL would mess up their lives so COMPLETELY. Who would want someone as MESSED UP as you?’
‘Oh well, you’ve ruined EVERYTHING now, haven’t you? May as well call it QUITS.’
Now, isn’t that INTERESTING? I can hear what you’re thinking right now:
‘Wow, she’s being really RUDE and MEAN to me!’
‘Talk about kicking someone when they’re DOWN!’
‘She has no right to DISRESPECT me like this! Who does she think she is?’
Or are you instead saying to yourself:
‘Gee, it wasn’t quite THAT bad. I mean, I TRIED. I did my BEST and some things turned out okay!’
See what I just DID? I just showed you how you TREAT YOURSELF!
It doesn’t feel GOOD to have someone ELSE say it to you, does it?
Well, I have NEWS for you: it doesn’t feel good to hear it from YOURSELF, either!
And did you notice that you actually started to DEFEND yourself when I ‘attacked’ you?
So, what’s going on here?
Well, (a) you’re BULLYING yourself, aren’t you?
And (b) maybe you’re exaggerating just a little how much DAMAGE you’ve actually done.
And (c) maybe, just maybe, things (including you) are not quite as BAD as they SEEM.
In any case, it’s not FUN to be on the RECEIVING end of criticism and endlessly negative messages, is it? Maybe that has something to do with why you feel so BAD! Perhaps you need to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! You did all you KNEW to do. You did the BEST you could.
WORKING DAY 3
• Today, NOTICE all your mental criticisms of yourself and your life.
Write them down. Now imagine that SOMEONE ELSE is levelling these criticisms at you. Would you ACCEPT these as true without question?
• List every name you have ever been called. This list includes TITLES, PET NAMES, NICKNAMES, TERMS OF ENDEARMENT and NASTY NAMES (for want of a better word).
Read the list out loud. Notice the WARMTH that you feel with the terms of endearment and the PAIN you feel with the nasty names.
• Okay, now list every name YOU HAVE CALLED YOURSELF. Read them out.
Consider this: which names have done the most DAMAGE – the names you were called by OTHERS or the names you have called YOURSELF?
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 3
‘I am a HUMAN BEING. I make MISTAKES.’
‘It is through mistakes that I LEARN.’
‘I do not deserve to be BULLIED for making mistakes while I learn.’
DAY 4
But THEY did this to ME
One thing that is INEVITABLE in life is that, sooner or later, you’re going to feel HURT by something SOMEONE ELSE has done.
You may feel:
Let down
Abandoned
Cheated
Criticised
Overlooked
Unloved
Abused
If you have depression, it’s a strong bet that you associate its onset with someone else’s less-than-desirable behaviour towards you.
Indeed, you may have been subjected to what could be described as CRUELTY, and this has led you to feel UNLOVED, UNWORTHY and UNTRUSTING.
While this is a BIG subject and one that you may need some ongoing therapy to fully work through, today we’re going to do a little basic GROUNDWORK on how to see this from a HEALTHIER PERSPECTIVE.
So to begin with, let’s look at that SOMEONE ELSE’s behaviour.
The basic understandings here are:
People who hurt others are hurt people
People who are afraid lash out
People who are cruel are wounded children (even when they are adults)
So, here’s the QUESTION: why would you let the behaviour of someone who is UNEVOLVED ruin YOUR life?
The solution here is not to change someone else’s behaviour but to become BIG enough yourself, to NOT TAKE IT ON. Your job is not to fix THEM. Your job is to fix YOU. And that means being fully RESPONSIBLE for
your OWN wellbeing. No-one can MAKE you depressed but YOU. No-one has control over your FEELINGS but YOU.
And now, we need to take a look at YOUR part in the process and how to CHANGE that, because it’s always a dance between TWO people when things go wrong.
Think of relationships as joint BANK ACCOUNTS. There are DEPOSITS and WITHDRAWALS. If the relationship is healthy, there will be an equal number of deposits and withdrawals made by both parties, so that the BALANCE remains stable.
If you feel you have been RIPPED OFF, LET DOWN, BETRAYED or ABANDONED, think of how you may have INVESTED more than you could AFFORD.
If you were looking after yourself, you would never give away so much that you were left DEPLETED.
If someone is DRAINING your account and you keep TOPPING it up, WHO is responsible for that?
If someone TAKES from you, they do so out of fear that they’ll never HAVE enough.
If you OVERINVEST, it’s because you fear you’ll never BE enough.
It is YOUR responsibility to keep an eye on your emotional bank account. Give it all away and you’ll be BROKE. Let the other person TAKE too much and the reserves will run dry.
WORKING DAY 4
• If someone has ‘taken’ from you, think of ways that you have INVESTED in this dynamic by giving more than you can AFFORD.
Here are a few ways that this can happen:
I trusted someone untrustworthy
I didn’t set clear boundaries
I didn’t say ‘no’ when I needed to
I gave it one too many chances
I was afraid that if I didn’t give they wouldn’t love me
I didn’t value myself
• How might you make yourself BIG enough not to be bothered by someone else’s SMALLNESS?
