by Bev Aisbett
• Now think of some ways that you can keep your own emotional bank account FILLED UP.
Some of these might include:
Being nicer to myself
Setting clear boundaries
Saying no when I need to
Doing things I enjoy
Being more selective in my relationships
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 4
‘I will only give away that which I can LIVE WITHOUT.’
DAY 5
Do some ARITHMETIC
While we’re on the subject of figures, it is said that a trouble SHARED is a trouble HALVED. You can actively REDUCE or AMPLIFY the intensity of your experience of depression by how much energy you feed it and whether that energy is directed AWAY FROM or TOWARDS it.
If you’ve been keeping your depression a big, dark SECRET, it’s time that you told someone about it.
Why? Because it’s hard to gain PERSPECTIVE from INSIDE the problem – everything looks bleak and hopeless from WITHIN depression. You think that’s the way life is, but your VIEW on reality is skewed by the way you FEEL.
You also need some SUPPORT when you are feeling depressed. EVERYONE needs a little help sometimes, and here’s something you may not realise: people LOVE to be NEEDED! It can feel like a real HONOUR to be the one that someone confides in. It says that you TRUST this person enough to share part of yourself.
Speaking up about the problem is also a form of RELEASE. Suddenly that heavy weight on your heart is lighter and less overwhelming because someone is HELPING you CARRY it. And here’s another revelation: you will probably find that, instead of your being JUDGED, the person you’re confiding in may even have their OWN experience of depression and will be able to RELATE to yours. People are generally more GENEROUS and willing to HELP than you may believe at this point.
However, be SELECTIVE in your choice of confidant. If you know that someone loves to broadcast every aspect of their and others’ lives on social media, they are NOT a good choice for you!
It may be that, instead of turning to a friend, family member or trusted colleague, you could speak to someone NEUTRAL, such as a PROFESSIONAL, or join a SUPPORT GROUP. You’ll find that there are plenty of people willing to listen out there if you look around.
Okay, so that’s the ‘divide’ part of this equation, the SHARING of your problem. What about the ‘multiplication’?
Want to FEED a problem? Keep FOCUSING on it! Want to make it even BIGGER? Get a whole gang of people focusing on it!
If you are someone who does nothing but talk about how MISERABLE you are, now is the time to put a LID on it and shift your attention to something HEALTHIER.
Keeping your depression CENTRE STAGE is going to make it terribly ‘important’, which does nothing but feed your sense of HELPLESSNESS.
It’s time to move it to the BACKGROUND. There are tips on the next page on how to do this.
WORKING DAY 5
DIVISION:
• If you haven’t spoken up, now is the day to do so. Don’t put it off any longer. You’ll find there’s nothing to be ASHAMED of after all.
Here are some OPTIONS when seeking a CONFIDANT:
A trustworthy and discreet friend
or family member
A GP or therapist
A support group
• Keep in mind that not everyone is a natural counsellor and will know what to SAY or DO. Some people may be BETTER at handling your distress than others. Don’t think you’ve made a MISTAKE in telling them. Just move on to a more suitable ‘someone who “gets” you’.
MULTIPLICATION:
• If all you do is talk about how MISERABLE you feel, today is the day to PUT A LID ON IT!
• Today, take a holiday from all news, newspapers or social media. Also avoid dark or depressing books, movies or television, AND depressing PEOPLE!
• Also keep clear of any HEAVY or DEPRESSING CONVERSATIONS. Instead, talk to people about PLEASANT things. Ask them about the things that they ENJOY – such as their children, pets or hobbies.
• See how LIGHT you can make this day by turning your attention away from DARK and HEAVY subjects. Notice how you FEEL as a result.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 5
‘Too much of anything is TOO MUCH.’
‘Too little of anything is TOO LITTLE.’
DAY 6
A BEAR goes into a CAVE
What if your mind and body knew EXACTLY what they were doing by making you feel depressed? What if there was WISDOM in this retreat from the world?
When you’re depressed you don’t feel like doing ANYTHING, do you? ENGAGING with people is too hard, being CHEERFUL is out of reach.
‘I SHOULDN’T feel this way’ is the first thing that comes to mind. ‘I SHOULD be out there, doing things.’
But SHOULD you? WHY should you? Because OTHERS think you should? You don’t FEEL like it, so why do it?
Right now, you can’t see the forest for the trees. If you keep PUSHING against yourself, you’re just going over the same old tracks and probably making them DEEPER.
Phonetically, depressed can also sound like deep rest.
When winter comes, a bear instinctively shuts up shop and heads into its CAVE.
If you keep PUSHING, STRUGGLING, FIGHTING and RESISTING, something’s gotta give. And when something HAS given, give it a REST. Go into your cave – without GUILT.
Forget trying to ACHIEVE anything. That’s not the point. Just GO WITH IT. Stop TRYING to be other than WHERE YOU ARE NOW.
Fighting AGAINST where you are is the TRUE source of your PAIN. ACCEPT that this is how things are AT THE MOMENT. You’re more likely to resurface sooner if you ACKNOWLEDGE and ALLOW your feelings than if you think of them as being WRONG and try to BANISH them.
This day gives you permission to ‘hibernate’ to clear the way for the HEALING WORK ahead.
WORKING DAY 6
• Set aside this day for DEEP REST. Let everything else go. Let your body and mind RESET. This is how your SPIRIT is replenished.
• Today, attend to all your PHYSICAL needs IMMEDIATELY. If you need to SLEEP, sleep. If you’re HUNGRY, eat. If you need to go to the bathroom, don’t put it off till later. Get used to tuning in and listening to your body and acting on its needs IN THE MOMENT. Then it won’t have to SCREAM at you to get your attention.
• Let go of any attempts to SOLVE anything today. Nothing needs to be done. Let go of TRYING. Let go of JUDGING. Let go of THINKING too much. Just BE.
• Observe yourself just being AS YOU ARE, without JUDGEMENT.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 6
‘Giving IN is not the same as giving UP.’
DAY 7
All is NOT as it SEEMS
Everything seems WRONG. Everything seems HOPELESS. But is it really?
The fact that you FEEL depressed doesn’t necessarily mean that there IS something to be depressed about!
However, your mind will go searching for EVIDENCE to support the beliefs you hold and the MEANING you give to the things you are focused on.
What if this idea that you have attached to – that all is WRONG – doesn’t actually mean anything beyond the fact that you feel OUT OF SORTS?
You can feel down as a result of many fairly innocuous things, including:
Becoming unwell
Not getting enough sleep
Eating the wrong foods
Drinking alcohol
Taking certain medications
FEELING depressed doesn’t mean that the world IS a mess, that there’s no POINT to anything, or that you and your life are HOPELESS.
Feeling depressed simply means that you FEEL DEPRESSED.
Thoughts are not FACTS – they are OPINIONS. And with depression, the world is experienced through a DARK FILTER. This doesn’t mean that there is nothing GOOD out there for you; it means that, because you are looking through that FILTER, you can’t SEE anything good.
It is important that you don’t confuse your depressed thinking as bei
ng EVIDENCE that everything is wrong. It ISN’T. There are only SITUATIONS you choose to focus on in a certain way, bringing to them your OPINION and, as a result, EXPERIENCING them in accordance with your opinion.
In other words, you’re not seeing ‘REALITY’; you’re seeing your STATE OF MIND!
You can TRANSFORM a ‘bad’ day into a ‘good’ (or better) day by changing the way you ‘report’ the day to yourself.
Change your OPINION and EVERYTHING changes – including, and especially, how you FEEL!
WORKING DAY 7
• Notice how you ‘report’ events and encounters to yourself when you are feeling DEPRESSED.
• Today, simply CHANGE YOUR OPINION of these events and experiences as an experiment in how this affects your mood.
• It is important that you aim for opinions that you can INVEST IN and BELIEVE from where you are. For instance, going for ‘Everything is wonderful’ at this point is not going to fly. However, a more MODERATE statement, such as ‘Things may not actually be as BAD as I think’, may be in reach.
• Today, look for and note at least five small POSITIVE things that you may have been BLIND to because you were looking through the DARK FILTER.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 7
‘I may THINK it, but that doesn’t PROVE it.’
DAY 8
No EXCUSES
At some stage in this 30 Days, either TODAY or NEXT WEEK or THROUGHOUT the 30 Days, you’re going to tell yourself that this WON’T WORK, that you’re STUCK and that you’ll be depressed for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
One of the main reasons why people get stuck in a hole is that they keep coming up with REASONS to STAY STUCK in the hole!
In other words, they keep ARGUING for their LIMITATIONS, instead of actually DOING something about them!
We use those justifications in a multitude of ways to:
Drink alcohol
Use drugs
Overeat
Have unhealthy relationships
Shop obsessively
Not go out
Not engage with people
Stay angry, bitter and hurt
All these excuses do is keep you locked into a TOXIC CYCLE, tethered to what is no longer even HAPPENING.
There is one reason, and one reason only, why you can’t move on – you don’t BELIEVE that you can.
But you are BIGGER than this. Step into your potential. No more excuses for living SMALL.
Decide that you deserve better, then your suffering will be converted from a WASTE to a MOTIVATION.
Here are some of the ARGUMENTS for LIMITATION that may be keeping you STUCK:
• ‘It’s a chemical imbalance.’
The jury is still out on which comes FIRST – the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE or the STRESS (governed by thinking) that causes chemical imbalance. If you drive a car over a crack in the road often enough it will become a RUT. Likewise, if your thoughts have been running in a depressive track for long enough you will certainly cause changes in your PHYSIOLOGY.
• ‘It’s hereditary.’
Is it? Or have you LEARNED how to be depressed by observation and exposure to people who are depressed?
• ‘I’ve had a hard life.’
If so, you are in illustrious company:
Albert Einstein didn’t speak until he was four years old
Jim Carrey used to be homeless
Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused as a child
Richard Branson has dyslexia
Stephen King’s first novel was rejected 30 times
Charlize Theron witnessed her mother kill her father
Johnny Depp lived in more than 20 locations as a child
Walt Disney was fired from his first job because he ‘lacked imagination’
And the list goes on . . .
In fact, most INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE have had tough beginnings and have had to strive HARD to overcome early difficulties. You don’t get WISE by living a ‘safe’ life. They have used their trials as MOTIVATION.
• ‘I lost a loved one.’
Yes, this can be very painful, but the truth is we ALL will at some time in life. The circumstances and timing may vary, but DEATH is part of LIFE. And there will NEVER be a good time for it to happen. While it is HEALTHY and NECESSARY to grieve, it is not HEALTHY nor HELPFUL to be CONSUMED by loss.
• ‘I lost my job.’
Difficult, but not IMPOSSIBLE to get another. You got this job, didn’t you?
On deeper investigation, depression – rather than being an ORGANIC disease – can in many cases be attributed to SITUATIONAL CAUSES, such as:
The death of someone close to you
The onset of illness/disability
The end of a relationship
Childhood trauma
Adult trauma
Life changes
Depressive feelings can also result from certain SUBSTANCES and MEDICATIONS. Even a sustained SUGAR- and CARB-HEAVY diet can cause you to feel depressed. HORMONES can also be a factor.
Don’t discount the effects of WINTER months, either. Many people experience a slump in mood with the SHORTER DAYS, LONGER NIGHTS and reduced SUNLIGHT. In fact, S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a recognised condition in some people during the winter season.
Rushing to see depression as an illness is DISEMPOWERING. It can make you feel like a VICTIM.
There is much you can do to HEAL YOURSELF. Settling for your LIMITATIONS keeps you from moving forward and reclaiming your life.
Some things are in your POWER, some are NOT. Things that ARE in your power are:
What you think
Who you choose to spend time with
How you react to situations
How you feel about yourself
What you do with your life
Things that are NOT in your power are:
Other people’s behaviour
Other people’s opinions of you
Other people’s life choices
World events*
Forces of nature*
The weather*
The idea is to invest your energy only in those things that you CAN control and MAKE PEACE with the rest.
*Although HUMANITY, as a whole, has some part to play in this.
WORKING DAY 8
• Could your depression be a result of your LIFESTYLE?
• Consult with a doctor to see if there are any EXACERBATING FACTORS causing you to feel depressed.
• If S.A.D. rings a bell, there are things you can do to offset the winter blues, such as remaining ACTIVE, going for WALKS in daylight, getting as much exposure to LIGHT as possible (even strong, artificial light can help) and avoiding STODGY FOOD.
• List the things that you think depression stops you from doing or achieving. Phrase them in the same way as the following example:
‘I want to enjoy life but I have depression.’
Now relist the items, changing ‘but’ into ‘and’. Notice how ‘but’ creates a STOP SIGN, while ‘and’ is just a SPEED BUMP.
In fact, go one step further and change the statement from ‘I have depression’ to ‘I have a tendency to feel depressed’.
Now think of ways you can DRIVE OVER that speed bump.
• List the things that you are CAPABLE of doing if you stop ARGUING for your LIMITATIONS.
Aim for something of a higher value to ALIGN with and make that your TOUCHSTONE. For example, you might choose to align with ‘love’. Ask yourself:
‘How would I deal with this if I was loving towards myself, others and life?’
‘How would I be thinking/acting/speaking if I was being loving?’
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 8
‘I am BIGGER than this. I can move on, whenever I let go of reasons NOT TO.’
DAY 9
Only the LONELY
You’ve CUT yourself OFF, haven’t you?
You feel that no-one can UNDERSTAND, or that they wouldn’t want to HANG OUT with you when you’re like this.
Perhap
s you feel that you just can’t find the ENERGY to engage or that people are just TOO HARD to deal with.
Perhaps you have checked out because you’ve been HURT and it’s SAFER not to risk intimacy again.
So, here you are – it’s SIMPLER to disengage, isn’t it? No HASSLES, no STRESS, no need to EXPLAIN YOURSELF.
All good – except for the fact that you’re LONELY!
Maybe this is not a new feeling for you. You may feel depressed because you have always felt like an OUTSIDER. In other words, you may feel depressed BECAUSE you are lonely.
But OTHERS haven’t isolated you – YOU have isolated YOURSELF, and it’s time to take the first steps to engaging more with others and the world.
We ALL need the company of others, no matter how reclusive you have convinced yourself that you are. Being with others helps us to EXPAND, STEP OUT of OURSELVES and see life from different PERSPECTIVES. Being connected also boosts PHYSICAL HEALTH. In fact, human beings are HARD-WIRED to connect. That’s why so much heartache arises from experiences of REJECTION or ABANDONMENT.
How DEEPLY you wish to connect is up to you. You don’t have to commit to an intimacy you’re not comfortable with! Even online connections are better than NONE.
