by Bev Aisbett
However, it’s important to be a little CHOOSY about who you hang out with. Did you know that being around POSITIVE people increases your capacity for happiness by 15 per cent per person? (The reverse is also true!) Stock up on seven happy people to spend time with and you may never LOOK BACK!
It is also important that you do this simply because it will FEEL GOOD to engage with others, not because you NEED them. Coming from NEED can push that which you desire away.
Stop seeing this as some kind of COMPETITION or TEST. Your assignment is simply to CONNECT, and the more you can ACCEPT people just as they ARE and ENJOY them – rather than worrying about fitting in – the more likely you are to be ACCEPTED.
Don’t make it the BE ALL AND END ALL. Take it as it COMES. You’ll have times when you CLICK and times when you DON’T – this happens to EVERYONE! Keep reaching out till you find the right mix for you.
It may feel SCARY at first, but things are only scary when they’re UNFAMILIAR. Keep at it and, in time, you’ll build your confidence.
WORKING DAY 9
• Today, start with some SMALL and SIMPLE interactions, such as a chat with a shopkeeper or a neighbour.
• Explore an INTEREST to share. www.meetup.com is one online organisation that brings together social and interest groups. There are literally THOUSANDS of outings and meetings you can join, and you need only attend when and how often it suits you. You might also look for interest groups and social activities in your area via the local library.
• Take YOURSELF out! Imagine you’re on a ‘date’ with yourself. Go to a movie, a concert or a gallery. See it as a TREAT. SAVOUR the pleasure of being INDEPENDENT and free to do as you WISH.
• Get a PET or, if you can’t have a pet, go to a dog park and hang out with some friendly fur-buddies. Usually they come with friendly OWNERS, too! You could also offer to walk your neighbour’s dog if they’re at work all day.
• VOLUNTEER. Not only will you be helping OTHERS, you’ll also meet LIKE-MINDED people and you’ll be taking your mind off YOUR troubles.
• Develop your own HANG OUT. Go to the same friendly café regularly. Take a book or read the paper. In time, you will develop a relationship with the STAFF and come to know other REGULARS.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 9
‘Why should I fear being JUDGED for making FRIENDS?’
‘If I value MYSELF, I will be valued by OTHERS.’
DAY 10
Little old ANGRY ME
Depression was described by Sigmund Freud as anger turned inward.
This inner anger is really anger towards OTHERS that you have suppressed because:
You were DEPENDENT on them
They had CONTROL over you
You feared that you would be ABANDONED
if you showed your FEELINGS
You feared being REJECTED if you weren’t COMPLIANT or NICE
SELF-HATE can be described as taking revenge on yourself for the faults of others. In other words, we TURN on OURSELVES instead of others, and we do this because:
Others may have seemed, or seem, too scary to confront
Especially in childhood, we are afraid to see fault in those we rely on because we fear this puts our survival at risk, so we blame ourselves instead
We desperately seek love and approval, and if let down, we assume it’s because we’re not lovable or worthy
We buy into someone else’s judgement and criticisms of us
The PROBLEM is that when you don’t love yourself, you end up doing to YOURSELF the VERY THINGS you feared others would do to you! These things include:
Abandonment
Harsh judgement
Self-sabotage
Self-harm
Feeling lonely
When you become angry with yourself, you release an INNER BULLY who tells you that you’re PATHETIC, UNWORTHY, HOPELESS, WEAK and/or downright BAD.
We tend to SUPPRESS anger because we FEAR it, but ANGER in itself is not necessarily a BAD thing. Anger is a NATURAL EMOTION that can MOTIVATE you, and help you to STAND UP for what you believe and to ASSERT yourself in a healthy way. It is not ANGER that is the issue, but how you HANDLE it.
Anger let loose without limitation can become AGGRESSION or even VIOLENCE. But anger turned INWARD without limitation becomes excessive SELF-CRITICISM and LOW SELF-ESTEEM and, in the end, DEPRESSION. None of these states is HEALTHY.
So, what to do with that SELF-DESTRUCTIVE anger?
Get it out! Express it in a non-violent and non-self-hating way (there are tips on the ‘working’ page).
Forget trying to get someone ELSE to make amends! They may never apologise, be loving or even believe that they’ve done anything WRONG!
Recognise the inner critic for what it is – a CRUEL BULLY who is pushing you into suffering.
Get angry at the inner bully! Stand up to the attacks on your own behalf as a GOOD FRIEND would.
Oh and, by the way, you can DISAGREE with your critics – that is, once you stop BELIEVING and INVESTING in the criticisms!
WORKING DAY 10
• Bash a PILLOW.
• YELL underwater.
• SCREAM in your car.
• BASH something inanimate.
• WRITE a letter.
• SPEAK it out.
• Imagine that the person who hurt you is sitting opposite you. Tell them how you FEEL. Get it off YOUR CHEST.
• What if you didn’t BELIEVE those criticisms of you? Try not to buy into or invest in negative self-talk.
• What if you were simply NICER to yourself? Show yourself a little kindness and focus on some of your good qualities – we all have them!
• Take another look at the list mentioned on page 65. ACKNOWLEDGE how you might have subjected YOURSELF to what you feel OTHERS have subjected you to:
Abandonment
Harsh judgement
Self-sabotage
Self-harm
Feeling lonely
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 10
‘I now stand BY myself, FOR myself.’
DAY 11
Lessons from SIRI
Where you wind up emotionally has nothing to do with EXTERNAL circumstances and EVERYTHING to do with how you navigate your THOUGHTS ABOUT and RESPONSES TO external circumstances.
Though it may seem that the things that have happened to you CAUSE your feelings of despair, anger, hurt or self-loathing, they are really just OBSTACLES for you to steer past on your way to where you are really meant to be. So, it’s important to set your DESTINATION, keep heading in that DIRECTION, and trust that you’ll GET THERE.
The main reason people don’t get to RECOVERY is that they keep making DETOURS, come to a dead stop at OBSTACLES, and often even turn RIGHT AROUND and head back to Misery Town if they think the journey is taking TOO LONG!
It’s not what has happened to you that makes the difference – it’s where you steer your thoughts ABOUT what’s happened to you. Turn LEFT and losing your job is a DISASTER; turn RIGHT and it’s now an opportunity to find something BETTER.
You cannot travel from one emotional state to another without an intervening thought TAKING you there. You cannot go from HAPPY to SAD, or from CALM to ANGRY, without thinking that there’s something to be SAD or ANGRY about.
The key to turning around ANYTHING that disturbs you is to keep steering your THOUGHTS in the RIGHT DIRECTION, which means CHOOSING to adopt positive and empowering perspectives on your situation.
Most of us are SLOPPY about this and, unless we are on top of our thinking, it is easy to go from a few random negative thoughts to inner talk that sends you over the CLIFF!
Every thought acts as a kind of COMMAND. You set the ‘destination’ of your FEELINGS by what you THINK about, just like keying in a destination on your SATNAV.
If you can really get a grasp on the idea that you are the DRIVER of your thoughts and, as a result, your EXPERIENCE, then you must accept that you have the POWER to determine the OUTCOME.
Why are you letting your mind drive you into BAD NEIGHBOURHOODS, along rutted uncomfortable TRACKS or even over CLIFFS? Your mind is a TOOL that you can use any way you wish.
Who is in your DRIVER’S SEAT? Do you let your MIND take you wherever IT wants to go? Do you really think you have no SAY in the matter? You are not the HELPLESS VICTIM of your thoughts. YOU are the one in CHARGE of them. Do not think the mind is in control of you. It is YOUR mind. YOU get to decide which direction it is headed – TOWARDS or AWAY FROM your desired destination.
Of course when you first take back the steering wheel, it’s going to feel STRANGE. Your mind has been on autopilot for so long, it will be used to going wherever IT wants.
But keep CALMLY and FIRMLY steering back onto the right road and it will have no other option but to COMPLY.
Think of the QUIET but PERSISTENT voice of your SATNAV. It may tell you that a certain street is in one direction but you don’t TRUST it and keep driving. SIRI doesn’t get FRUSTRATED or ANGRY, she simply tells you to turn around and TRY AGAIN. This is the same as your INNER GUIDANCE. It is that quiet voice telling you which way to TURN.
In time you’ll learn to TRUST your INTUITION to keep you on track and stop you from making detours into DEAD ENDS or veering off into DITCHES.
WORKING DAY 11
• Imagine that you have your own SIRI on board. You will know that it’s SIRI when the voice is CALM, PATIENT and never gets UPSET. When your thoughts are heading in the right direction, you will feel CALM and CLEAR. Let your inner SIRI steer you through the day.
• Become a ‘COULDA’ – ‘I could have talked myself into a dark place but I didn’t.’
• When your thoughts stray (as they will), it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something WRONG – it simply means that you took a DETOUR down an UNHELPFUL path. Turn around and get back on track. Practise using feeling bad as your GUIDANCE SYSTEM, indicating to you when you’ve steered off course.
• Your mind is programmed to focus on what INTERESTS you the most! Notice what is grabbing most of your ATTENTION and what is occupying your THOUGHTS the most. Is it what you’d like to find MORE OF?
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 11
‘My mind is SHAPED by what I FOCUS upon.’
‘My experience is what I CHOOSE to give my attention to.’
DAY 12
D.I.Y brain surgery
Did you know you can actually CHANGE the way your BRAIN works?
If you doubt this, think about the changes that have occurred since you became DEPRESSED.
You’ve managed to:
Develop insomnia
Lose your appetite or eat more
Feel guilty for no reason
Feel irritable
Stop enjoying life
Have trouble interacting with others
Feel that everything is hopeless
While it can be argued that it’s DEPRESSION causing these symptoms, blaming the depression is putting THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.
If you do something OFTEN enough, such as thinking in a negative way over a sustained period of time, you are guaranteed to change the way your brain works.
The emphasis on thinking in a more positive way is not just WISHFUL THINKING. In attending to your thoughts, you are actually able to undo the damage that has been instilled through having a long-term pessimistic view.
The BOTTOM LINE is:
You cannot keep thinking in a DEPRESSED way – in a way that brings you DOWN – and expect to feel HAPPIER!
Consider this: There are no idle thoughts.
The thoughts you have about the EVENTS, SITUATIONS and PEOPLE in your life are really just OPINIONS about what you are encountering. However, those OPINIONS can make something feel like HEAVEN or HELL, depending on what you’re TELLING YOURSELF.
Every thought is CREATIVE.
Many of us aren’t very good at thinking WELL, and most of us let our thoughts ramble, undisciplined and erratic, anywhere they like, which is how we get into these emotional messes. Learning to CLEAN UP your thinking is the single most HEALING thing you can do.
The most common errors in thinking are:
TOO QUICKLY DRAWING CONCLUSIONS WITHOUT EVIDENCE
‘I’m sure they’re all angry with me.’
GENERALISATIONS
‘Nothing good ever happens to me.’
PERSONALISATION
‘She’s not talking much. She must be unhappy with me.’
BULLYING THOUGHTS
‘I’m an idiot!’
MAGNIFYING THE NEGATIVE/IGNORING THE POSITIVE
‘The day was completely ruined.’
CATASTROPHISING
‘I just know something terrible is going to happen.’
POLARISING
‘I can see no good in this.’
MIND-READING
‘I know you’re thinking the worst of me.’
BLAMING
‘It’s not my fault! They did this to me!’
Each time you respond to events by thinking in a NEGATIVE, PESSIMISTIC or SELF-PUNISHING way, you are building a BRIDGE to the part of your brain that registers UNHAPPINESS. Do this often enough and that bridge becomes a FREEWAY that takes you DIRECTLY to that dark place by default, even with the most MINOR stimulus.
You find yourself seeing problems in the most innocuous situations and turning those perceived PROBLEMS into DISASTERS, and NORMAL LOSSES into TRAGEDIES.
Constantly REACTING to life in this way not only causes you to become overly SENSITISED, it also generates the STRESS CHEMICALS that cause you to feel depressed!
Something needs to CHANGE. You need to do a little BRAIN SURGERY to build a NEW BRIDGE, which will lead you to the FEEL-GOOD chemicals you need to bring you back into BALANCE.
The construction of the bridge requires you to step back before you REACT and CHOOSE to think in a more SUPPORTIVE way, so that a DIFFERENT, more feel-good part of your brain is activated. In other words, you need to learn to RESPOND calmly and practically to challenges, instead of blindly REACTING.
Do this often enough and not only do you start heading more AUTOMATICALLY via your new bridge to the better-feeling place in your brain, but you simultaneously start to feel the old bridge deteriorating through LACK OF USE!
You can actually CHANGE YOUR BRAIN! You’re THAT POWERFUL!
It’s not a QUICK FIX and it won’t happen overnight, but you can start laying the FOUNDATIONS right now. Practise makes perfect.
(For a more in-depth explanation of this process, see my newly revised and expanded edition of Taming the Black Dog.)
WORKING DAY 12
• Today, be EXTRA CAREFUL with your thoughts. Monitor EVERY SINGLE thought so that you are AWARE of the main messages in your thinking. Don’t JUDGE this process – just observe the relationship between what you’re TELLING YOURSELF and how you FEEL.
• Divide a page into two columns. In the LEFT-HAND column, write down the thoughts you have noticed are the most DEPRESSING. Now, in the RIGHT-HAND column, write down what ELSE you could tell yourself that would be more UPLIFTING.
• Imagine that you are constructing a new bridge starting from today. What might be the first thing that you could change in your thinking to lay a fresh foundation?
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 12
‘I can burn old bridges when I build NEW ones.’
DAY 13
Does it HELP?
Beliefs are not FACTS. Often we hold on to outdated beliefs – usually about our limitations – without revisiting, exploring or refuting them, such as ‘I’m no good at sport’. Where did you LEARN that? Is it still TRUE? Was it EVER true? And above all, does it HELP?
We unquestioningly adopt attitudes and ideas that may have been handed down for GENERATIONS and may never have been accurate or helpful in the first place!
You might still be abiding by the ‘family religion’ – the code of ethics and practices that were initiated within your family or culture 200 YEARS AGO!
The question is: are t
hese beliefs HELPFUL to you? Or are they ideas that are actually doing you HARM?
In the movie, Bridge of Spies, Tom Hanks plays an agent during the Cold War who is assigned to return a Russian spy to his home country. During their time together, the two men form an unlikely bond. Eventually, the time comes for the Russian to be handed over. His fate is unclear – he may be welcomed back as a HERO or ASSASSINATED.
‘Aren’t you AFRAID?’ the Hanks character asks his remarkably calm prisoner.
‘Would it HELP?’ is the man’s reply.
As we have already explored, your THOUGHTS govern your FEELINGS, and, in particular, the beliefs that you have about something affect your EXPERIENCE of them.
Basically, if you BELIEVE something is TRUE, it will be true for YOU.
If you are constantly revisiting REGRETS, HURTS or GLOOMY PREDICTIONS, or WORRYING excessively, asking yourself whether or not this line of thinking is HELPFUL is a great tool to use from here on.
Feeling BAD can become a HABIT. Do you actually LOOK FOR things that MAKE and KEEP you miserable?
Why would we do this? We do it because there is an emotional PAYOFF.
These payoffs include:
Gaining SYMPATHY
Being LOOKED AFTER or having people
WORRY about you
