by Bev Aisbett
Not having to TRY
JUSTIFYING staying STUCK
And we CONTINUE doing it until there is no payoff except PAIN; until the habit no longer HELPS. That is when CHANGE can happen.
UNHELPFUL BELIEFS can include:
I’m too difficult to love
I can’t be loved because I’m too damaged
Life is out to get me
People always hurt me
I never get anywhere in life
Do these beliefs help you feel LESS DEPRESSED? Do they HELP?
Time to let them GO then, eh?
WORKING DAY 13
• Make a list of the things you believe you are NOT GOOD at – for example, drawing, particular sports, etc. Now explore the following:
• Where did you LEARN that? Is this really TRUE or did you just stop TRYING because you BELIEVED it was true? Why did you come to think it WAS true?
• Write down some of the beliefs that you hold about depression (for example, that you are stuck with it). Do they HELP you to feel LESS DEPRESSED?
• Today, notice your conversations, both with others and internally with your self-talk. Are they HELPFUL or HARMFUL?
• Notice any thoughts about what could go wrong, such as ‘I bet it won’t work’. Say instead, ‘I accept the challenge.’
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 13
‘Is it TRUE? Does it HELP?’
DAY 14
It don’t MEAN a THING
A thing is just a THING, an experience is just an EXPERIENCE, a statement is just a BUNCH OF WORDS, a person is neither innately a FRIEND nor an ENEMY, and an event is neither PLEASANT nor UNPLEASANT – that is, until we place a MEANING onto these things.
It’s not the thing, experience, statement, person or event that is the cause of your emotional distress – it is the MEANING that you give these that is doing you harm.
Someone will experience a room as uncomfortably HOT, while someone else thinks that it’s COLD. Who is RIGHT about this?
A bride might be DEVASTATED that it is raining on her outdoor wedding, whereas a drought-affected farmer might welcome showers with CARTWHEELS of JOY.
In order to experience something in a certain way, you need to view it through a FILTER.
This filter is made up of your:
Conditioning
Past experiences
Expectations
Prejudices
Biases
Say there is a CHAIR in the corner of your room. In and of itself, it is just a CHAIR – in fact, it’s not even a chair (people CALL it a ‘chair’) but an assembly of wood or metal and fabric. It is just a THING, with no particular MEANING beyond its basic FUNCTION.
But what if it was a PRECIOUS HEIRLOOM? What if it was the chair that your MOTHER sat in to nurse you? What if it was the first piece of furniture you BOUGHT for yourself? What if it was the only thing you SAVED from a house fire? What if you actually HATED that chair but your spouse refused to throw it out?
In any of these situations, you would have given the assembly of wood and fabric also known as a chair a MEANING, and now when you look at that chair, you FEEL a certain way about it.
We give meaning to EVERYTHING we encounter. We think that this means X and that means Y. And if X is a negative meaning, it will cause you to feel negative; and if Y is a positive meaning, it will invoke a positive response when you think about it. So the simple solution is to CHANGE THE MEANING!
Better still, REMOVE all meaning, and the feelings will disappear completely.
People who have overcome major challenges have simply changed the MEANING of whatever ‘tragedy’ or ‘disaster’ they have encountered into something that SUPPORTS them. The ‘tragedy’ or ‘disaster’ may now come to mean an ‘awakening’ or ‘turning point’ in their lives that motivated them to BETTER THEMSELVES or to help others who may have suffered in the same way. This changes the meaning of the tragedy into something that may actually be seen as CRUCIAL or even HELPFUL in the big picture.
The new meaning that they have given to their struggle is that it was a CATALYST for positive change.
Losing your job doesn’t have to mean you are HOPELESS. The end of a relationship doesn’t have to mean that you are UNLOVABLE. The loss of someone close doesn’t have to mean that your life STOPS, too. Your brutal childhood doesn’t have to mean that your adulthood is a MESS, too.
WORKING DAY 14
• How might you give your past challenges a NEW MEANING?
• Step back from the events of the day and see them from a NEUTRAL position. Simply witness and observe them without attaching any particular MEANING to them.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 14
‘I get to DECIDE what this MEANS.’
‘Shall I make the meaning SAD or GLAD?’
DAY 15
Dare to be GRATEFUL
You have NOTHING, right? Everything is LOST, isn’t it?
Well, it can certainly FEEL that way when you have depression.
Now, I’m going to sound like a PREACHY PARENT here, but hey . . .
Honestly, are you really THAT badly off?
Some people have BOMBS raining down on their heads, some people are STARVING. Really THINK about that.
But I get it – those concepts can all seem very far away and abstract from where you are. You’re looking at your life and it seems DESOLATE and EMPTY.
As challenging as it may seem in your current situation, indulging in a bit of GRATITUDE can actually do wonders for your OWN wellbeing.
How? You start to see what’s WORKING instead of what’s NOT working. You start to realise how much is actually going FOR you instead of against. You start to see and APPRECIATE the nice things all around you that your depressed state has blinded you to. The more you focus on the good things you have, the more good things you ATTRACT.
Really, come to think of it, how dare you NOT be grateful?
Most likely, you have FOOD in your belly, a WARM BED, a ROOF over your head, MONEY to buy this book (or a library that will lend it to you for free).
No matter how little you feel you have, you have something precious – your BODY and your MIND.
Imagine that you are being asked to do a final inventory of the good things you have had in your life. You might be tempted to say that you had nothing good. In which case, you would have left out FLOWERS, BIRDS, TREES, WIND, SUN, RAIN, THE OCEANS, ANIMALS, FOOD, RAINBOWS, COLOURS, LIGHT – in fact, the ENTIRE PLANET, which is at your disposal.
Are you taking these precious things for GRANTED? Are you actually even TRASHING these things? You are at a BANQUET! Why are you choosing CRUMBS?
If you don’t APPRECIATE things – if you don’t cherish them, nurture them and look after them – they can slip away or shrivel from neglect, in which case, you may perceive that you have LOST these things, where in truth, you just needed to VALUE them more. And most importantly, you need to value YOURSELF.
Gratitude is one of the most POWERFUL tools you can use to turn around the way you feel. While this is an exercise just for today, you will see the best results if you make this a DAILY PRACTICE.
Gratitude releases FEEL-GOOD HORMONES, such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, and helps build deeper positive connections with YOURSELF, OTHERS and LIFE.
And . . . gratitude works especially well when you can feel grateful even when you can’t see any reason to be!
Although you may feel like the UNLUCKIEST person on the planet when you start on this work, if you want to see some quick-fire improvements, it’s time to get some GRATITUDE!
Do not underestimate the power of gratitude.
In fact, gratitude can work like MAGIC. The more you APPRECIATE, the more you will see good things showing up in your own life. LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE.
WORKING DAY 15
• Being GRATEFUL is a CHOICE. CHOOSE to be grateful today.
• Do something nice for others as often as possible today. Here are some ideas:
Write to someone expressing your appreciation
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Thank service people you encounter
Compliment someone
Give way to a driver
• Post an expression of APPRECIATION for something on social media (e.g., ‘Beautiful sunrise today’).
• Ban all WHINGEING or COMPLAINING today!
• Start a GRATITUDE JOURNAL. Begin by listing:
Three things to thank yourself for doing well today
Three things that went well today
Three things in your life that are good
Three people who have been kind to you or have supported you
And take it from there. See how many more items you can add to the list each day.
• Recall a DIFFICULT time from the past. Obviously you got through it. Be GRATEFUL for the way you OVERCAME this. You can do it AGAIN!
• Notice the good things in life and AMPLIFY your APPRECIATION of them – such as the TASTE of food; the SMELL of NATURE; the LOVE that your friends, family, partner or pet offers you.
• Finally, look in the mirror. Tell that person that s/he is of VALUE.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 15
‘There ARE things in my life to be grateful for.’
DAY 16
Be careful what you ASK for
You may not have been aware of this before but, more often than you realise, you have been lining up with what you’ve ASKED FOR!
That job that you lost – didn’t you COMPLAIN about it?
That relationship that ended – was it really WORKING?
Those friends who ‘abandoned’ you – were they TRUE friends?
Those people who treated you BADLY – were you setting clear LIMITS and BOUNDARIES?
And those who DISRESPECTED you – did you INVITE respect? Did you respect YOURSELF?
Perhaps these things that you THOUGHT were ‘taken away’ from you were not actually RIGHT for you, and now that they have gone, there is room for something ELSE and something BETTER to come along!
Depression very much centres on what we feel we have LOST, rather than what we HAVE.
And in EXPECTING the worst, we tend to INVITE IN the worst.
If you don’t want to keep attracting the same old crap, you need to start ASKING FOR and EXPECTING something BETTER.
If you keep harping on about how things will never work out or that your life is hopeless, you will actually REPEL anything good from entering your life, because thinking in this way means that good things are not a MATCH with where you’re at.
You need to put yourself in the same ZONE as the good things you want to experience.
So how do you do that if you are feeling MISERABLE?
You can start to make small shifts in your mood by simply going more NEUTRAL. Instead of allowing a NEGATIVE running commentary to dominate your thinking, use the practices of Day 14 and suspend making ANY opinion on things, GOOD or BAD.
MANIFESTING what you want is possible, but it involves a few steps:
1. Believing that you can have good things
This might feel like a STRETCH, but you need to believe that something is POSSIBLE for you to experience evidence of it in your life.
2. Forming a clear vision of what you want
However, you don’t need to have the specifics of the THING in mind (though this can help) as much as the FEELING of having it. It’s the FEELING that we’re aiming for.
3. Expecting it to happen
No IFS or BUTS. You need to have the same quiet, confident FAITH that what you want will show up, as you do that the sun will rise tomorrow. You don’t lie awake fretting about whether the sun will do that (or maybe you do!); you just KNOW that it will.
4. Forgetting about it
Once you have it locked in, you don’t need to keep checking the mailbox or opening the door to see if it’s there. KNOW that it WILL be there.
5. The form may be different from your expectations
The aim is the FEELING, remember? So you thought that you would get that feeling from having a red sports car, but you actually got that same feeling from someone being KIND to you.
You can TRANSFORM your world when you get the hang of this. Today is a chance to EXPERIMENT.
Pay more attention to what’s WORKING, what you ENJOY and what feels GOOD, and AMPLIFY these things by reporting aloud the positive qualities you observe. For example, ‘This is such a DELICIOUS salad! The vegetables are really FRESH. I love the vivid colour of the tomatoes.’
This is especially effective if you can SHARE your comments with others, as you then see reflected the impact of more positive statements and how they make you and others feel BETTER.
WORKING DAY 16
• Start small and build up by putting it out there that you’d like a small, pleasant SURPRISE to show up today. It doesn’t matter WHAT it is, just ask for the FEELING of having something NICE appear.
• Apply the principles to:
Securing a parking spot
Having the traffic lights stay green
Finding a lost object
• Observe how you ATTRACT things into your life. Have a little FUN with this by choosing a symbol to watch out for today – perhaps a BLUE CIRCLE or a RED BIRD or a YELLOW CAR. Notice how often it shows up.
• Reflect on the things you felt had been ‘taken away’ from you. What happened next? Was it for the BETTER?
• How might you make a CURRENT challenge turn out to be ‘for the better’?
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 16
‘Today I am exploring being the CREATOR in my world instead of a VICTIM of circumstances.’
DAY 17
I’m OUTTA here
Today, we need to talk about the ELEPHANT in the room – SUICIDE.
For many of you, this may never be a SERIOUS option; for others, you may at times FANTASISE along these lines; and for the rest, you have either seriously contemplated the notion of SUICIDE or may actually have come to the BRINK of carrying it through.
There are many reasons why suicide may seem to be some sort of SOLUTION. These may include:
Showing others how much they have hurt you
Finding respite and rest from the torment you are experiencing
An attempt to convey your struggle when you feel unheard
An idea that you will find something ‘better’ on the other side
Feeling that you are so loathsome that you do not deserve to live
Feeling that things can never improve
An idea that those closest to you will be better off without you
While these feelings might lead you to the idea that suicide is some form of SOLUTION, it’s NOT.
Like it or not, you are here for the LONG HAUL.
However, if the option of escaping your current struggles by taking your own life is removed, you may be left wondering how you will COPE.
And the answer is, you WILL cope because that is what you need to do now. You need to find another, more healthy solution.
Acknowledge that you are not really THINKING STRAIGHT, are you? Are you really in the best position to make such a MONUMENTAL, IRREVERSIBLE decision?
No, you’re NOT. When you are depressed you are not YOURSELF. You are not ACCURATELY gauging the situation. You are not seeing things STRAIGHT.
Dead is DEAD. No half measures. There’s no such thing as ‘Whoops, I’ve changed my mind’ dead.
And what if you BOTCH it? MORE suffering – even GREATER suffering – and it’s not only YOU who will suffer.
Suicide is NOT FOR YOU. FORGET it. It’s a BAD idea all round.
WORKING DAY 17
• Even if suicide has not been a serious option for you, it’s time to make ABSOLUTELY SURE that it never is.
Today, I want you to do a little ritual. Close your eyes and imagine that you are standing in the middle of a courtyard. You are surrounded by high walls, which you can’t see over at this point. On the LEFT is a door marked SUICIDE. On the RIGHT is a door marked STAY STUCK. Behind you is a door that is marked THE PAST, and ahead of yo
u is a door marked THE FUTURE. At your feet are some implements, including a heavy chain, planks of wood and nails, a drill and screws, and padlocks with keys.
In your mind, go over to the SUICIDE door. I want you to SECURE that door so that it can never be opened. Use ALL of the implements at your disposal. Make sure it is IMPENETRABLE. Now say to yourself, ‘I will never open this door’ and throw the key over the wall.
Do the same for THE PAST. Say, ‘The past is done. If I open this door it will only be to see how far I’ve come.’ Now place a chain through the door handle and padlock the door. You may keep the key or you might throw it away completely. The choice is yours. But as you have the key, you must use it WISELY.
Next, you need to make a CHOICE. You can remain where you are. If you do make this choice, you need to see what this involves. Open the STAY STUCK door, where NOTHING changes. Have a good look around this enclosed space. How long do you intend to stay here, looking at this? Will you lock the door and throw away the key?
You may choose the last door – THE FUTURE. You will not know what is behind it and there are no GUARANTEES. You will need to take what you get. But it is an EXIT from any situation you find yourself in. Do you choose it?
