by Bev Aisbett
• Write down the first steps you will take to COPE, because now you must cope. They may be SMALL steps but they are the steps you need to take now.
• And if you’re still considering SUICIDE, CALL SOMEONE. NOW! Better still, LINE UP someone in ADVANCE to talk to. Ask them if it’s okay to call them if you need to.
• And here’s another thing – wait until MORNING before you make any BIG DECISIONS. And if it’s WINTER, wait until SPRING! (See the item on S.A.D. on page 49.) In fact, just WAIT. Think and think again.
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 17
‘I CAN cope. I WILL cope.
I am ALREADY coping.’
‘All things PASS.
Even this pain will pass.’
DAY 18
The WORLD’S gone to SHIT
‘Yeah, yeah,’ you say. ‘So I STICK AROUND – but what for? The world is an UGLY place, full of CRUELTY and MEANNESS, not to mention the MESS the environment’s in! It’s hard to LOOK FORWARD to anything with all that bad shit going on.’
I hear you – it can certainly FEEL that way!
The world has always been MESSY, and it will never be PERFECT. Humans will ALWAYS encounter experiences in life that CONTRAST with what we would prefer but it is through these challenges that we EXPAND.
Without CHALLENGES and CONTRASTS, there would be no ADVANCEMENTS, NEW SOLUTIONS or BREAKTHROUGHS.
It’s easy to invest in and foster an idea that the world has gone to the dogs but that’s because we’re more EXPOSED to world events than ever before and the media tends to practise SENSATIONALISM. BAD NEWS is always more INTERESTING and draws more attention!
But for every BAD NEWS story, there is another story of GENEROSITY, KINDNESS and SELFLESSNESS.
While INJUSTICES and INHUMAN ACTS do occur, many that have been swept under the carpet for decades have now been brought to light and have led to NECESSARY CHANGES.
Notice how this works. Someone messes up BIG TIME. This may appear to be a TRAGEDY of mammoth proportions at the time – there may be loss of life, severe damage to the environment or even acts of cruelty.
When we look at this in isolation, we are AGHAST. How can this possibly happen?
But look what can happen in response. If the deed is dastardly enough, there may follow PROTESTS, there may be INQUIRIES, OUTRAGE, DEMONSTRATIONS and even RECRIMINATIONS. The issue becomes front-page news. People DEMAND improvements and changes. They JOIN TOGETHER to support and bring about these changes in ways they have never done before. Then, lo and behold, a new LAW is created or a new THERAPY or a new SOLUTION, and when that is done, the world moves on to the NEXT THING.
This process will NEVER stop. As a SPECIES, we are continually EVOLVING and EXPANDING, and in order to do so, we are faced with MORE and BIGGER challenges. As humans, we must ACCEPT this and ADAPT.
The thing to remember is that we are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
On an INDIVIDUAL level, life may seem cruel; but in the big picture, it helps to take life less PERSONALLY and see it more GLOBALLY. This kind of thinking does require a more expanded perspective than you may have been used to but it does change the way things appear.
Unfortunately, the media and social media contribute greatly to the idea that the world is full of DANGER and VIOLENCE, but this version of the human story is strongly shaped by the influence of money in media and politics. FEAR SELLS.
In other words, by and large, we have been TAUGHT to be on the lookout for what is WRONG, but this is not the entire picture, nor is it the essential TRUTH.
The TRUTH is that the world is as it has ALWAYS been – a combination of BAD and GOOD, WRONG and RIGHT, HATRED and LOVE, UGLINESS and BEAUTY, and every human being has some INFLUENCE on this, through their own INPUT.
WORKING DAY 18
• Think about the wonderful INNOVATIONS that have resulted from what appeared at the time to be tragedies. For example, the first moon landing was made possible only after learning from earlier unsuccessful and tragic attempts, and vaccines were developed to protect against illnesses that once killed millions.
• Are we really WORSE off? Take a look through history and you will find TORTURE, DISEASE, POLLUTION, CRUELTY, CORRUPTION and POVERTY. Nothing new there.
• Search the internet for five examples of the GOOD in the world – for example, recycling innovations, animal rescue, health advancements or social improvements. You’ll find them!
• Think of how the media needs to SENSATIONALISE. The news you read is selected for its IMPACT. The guy helping the kitten from the tree is not going to be front-page news. You may never hear about numerous acts of kindness but that doesn’t mean they don’t happen.
• How might YOU contribute to a BETTER world?
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 18
‘If I seek what is GOOD in the world, I will find it, just as I can seek what is BAD and find that.’
‘I am an EQUAL contributor to the reality I see.’
DAY 19
Host a PITY PARTY . . .
Today, instead of thinking, ‘I shouldn’t feel this way’, allow yourself to give FULL REIN to your feelings.
You have a RIGHT to your feelings. You may have had things happen that have had a deep impact on you and possibly for some time.
When we bottle up emotions, they tend to IMPLODE. They become CONGESTED and INFLAMED, and it takes very little to set you off because of the stockpile of emotions that you are carrying around that have not been fully RELEASED and EXPRESSED.
However, there is a big difference between letting your emotions EXPLODE and actually RELEASING them in a HEALTHY way.
Pay particular attention to emotional responses such as ANGRY OUTBURSTS or EXCESSIVE CRYING.
The difference between RELEASE and INDULGENCE is that you will feel LIGHTER if you have released but more UPSET if you have indulged.
The best way to release emotions is to picture them as something LEAVING you. One of your exercises for today will help clarify this process.
Give yourself permission to GRIEVE, WAIL, RAIL AGAINST, RAGE, WEEP, SULK or whatever it takes to undertake an emotional DETOX.
If you’re doing this properly, eventually one of two things is likely to happen:
(a) You are now UTTERLY SICK of feeling miserable (like when you’ve overindulged in chocolate mud cake), or
(b) You don’t feel like CONTINUING with this day’s exercises after a while.
Do them anyway – just prove to yourself that you really ARE willing to let this misery go and that you have wallowed in this long enough and are ready to move on.
WORKING DAY 19
• Close your eyes and imagine the EMOTIONAL LOAD you are carrying. How do you SEE this? What is its SHAPE? TEXTURE? COLOUR? SIZE? WHERE ARE YOU CARRYING IT? Try DRAWING it.
Now, taking DEEP BREATHS, picture RELEASING the load in the appropriate way. For example, if it is a heavy OBJECT, how might you DISPOSE of it? Perhaps it takes the form of a DARK CLOUD – see that lifting off and away.
Put aside some ME time today to set the stage for a right old PITY PARTY and – here’s the thing –you are to totally INDULGE in doing this!
• Collect the following ammunition:
Journal (the outpouring kind)
Old photos
Old love letters
Music/movies that makes you sad
Food you shouldn’t eat
A MODERATE amount of alcohol (I said MODERATE!)
Tissues, a stuffed toy and a blanket
Notebook and pen
• Approach this exercise GUILT-FREE. You are giving yourself PERMISSION to feel crap, instead of thinking you SHOULDN’T feel this way!
• Write down an exhaustive list of EVERYTHING that’s WRONG in your world. Do not leave out ANYTHING!
• GRIEVE, RANT, WAIL – whatever! Go for it! The more TEARS the better! Tears are a healthy and natural way to RELEASE emotion.
• Keep going till you’re DONE. Ideally, you’ll feel TIRED, PURGED and totally OVER feeling SOR
RY FOR YOURSELF!
• Remember – EVERYONE feels this way at times, but this is about YOU releasing in a HEALTHY way!
• Copy the way CHILDREN release their emotions – FURIOUS with you one minute, then climbing onto your lap the next. Once it’s OUT, it’s DONE!
• Remember that you have just performed a CLEAN-OUT! Don’t fill up the cupboards again!
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 19
‘I have now made room for NEW and BETTER feelings.’
DAY 20
For the LAST TIME
Depression and SELF-PITY go hand in hand. In fact, you can’t have depression WITHOUT feeling sorry for yourself.
And while you and just about anyone might agree that you have PLENTY to feel sorry for yourself about, you need to drop SELF-PITY if you want to get WELL.
Self-pity is a STICKY TRAP. While there may be perfectly valid reasons to feel HARD DONE BY, this day is about ‘stepping up’ and embracing challenges instead of being sucked into the quicksand of self-pity.
Think about the opening statement here. IF YOU DROP SELF-PITY YOU ALSO DROP THE DEPRESSION.
Be honest, now – if you were not LAMENTING your lot you would have nothing to feel DEPRESSED about, would you?
This is a big one and you’ll need to really work it by OWNING it and choosing to no longer INDULGE it.
However, do NOT beat yourself up when you get into self-pity. We all do it – it’s just that you’ve made it your central focus and it has become a HABIT. Feeling BAD can develop into a HABIT – a habit that has got you into this place along with self-pity. Recognise when it’s taking over and making you a VICTIM.
Facing down self-pity can be TOUGH but LIBERATING.
The temptation to find ‘sickly comfort’ from self-pity is persuasive but it is a poisonous trap.
Make ROOM for it as being part of depression. ROLL around in it for a while – if you must – then DON’T. It’s a DECISION.
You may need to make that decision many times but MAKE IT. The more you catch yourself getting caught up in self-pity and make this choice, the more EMPOWERED you will feel and the more likely you will be to take POSITIVE ACTION.
WORKING DAY 20
• Think of all the things that you have been feeling DEPRESSED about. Write them down. Now rephrase them without SELF-PITY. How do they look to you now?
• Think of the things about which you feel sorry for yourself. Now apply the 3 Ps (a process developed by psychologist Martin Seligman):
PERSONALISATION
Have you REALLY been SINGLED OUT for PUNISHMENT? Could you really CONTROL all elements of what has happened?
PERVASIVENESS
Is the loss of ONE THING really the loss of EVERYTHING?
PERMANENCE
Does this really need to last FOREVER?
• The next time things don’t go to PLAN, watch out for self-pitying statements (and attitudes) like: ‘Things never go right for me! I have to do everything myself! No-one cares about my struggles’, etc.
YOUR MANTRA FOR DAY 20
‘Self-pity does NOTHING to HELP what’s wrong, other than to KEEP IT wrong.’
DAY 21
Hunting down HAPPINESS
So-called ‘happiness experts’ tell us that the secret to happiness is to ‘remove negative thoughts’. You might actually think that is what I am asking of you; but, in fact, I’ve only asked you to seek out HELPFUL thoughts. You see, there’s a TRAP to this – the minute you try NOT to do something, the MORE you do it!
Try this: don’t think about a PINK GIRAFFE. I’ll bet that all you’re thinking about now is a pink giraffe!
So, if you can’t actually REMOVE negative thoughts from your mind, how do you get past depression and start feeling HAPPIER?
Well, instead of trying to get RID of negative thoughts, the idea is to see things from a BROADER PERSPECTIVE.
For a start, as we’ve already explored, a THOUGHT is just a THOUGHT – just because you think it, doesn’t make it GOSPEL. But, so far, that’s how your thinking has gone, hasn’t it? You THINK it’s BAD, so it MUST be.
Hopefully, by now, you’re starting to question the VALIDITY of this. If not, consider all the FEARS, DOUBTS and DIRE PREDICTIONS that have been your default position until now. How many of them were ACCURATE?
Instead of trying to ELIMINATE every negative thought (which will drive you even DEEPER into despair), the art is in seeing the thought from a DIFFERENT ANGLE, which means really considering whether the thought is actually VALID, whether it is a FACT or an ASSUMPTION, and whether it actually serves any useful PURPOSE.
Consider how many THOUGHTS you had yesterday. HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, even. Where are they NOW? They are GONE. So much for the importance you placed on those fleeting ideas! But if we add them up, repeated in a certain way day after day, year after year, there is a lasting effect – in this case, you feel DEPRESSED.
So, let’s examine how happy (or happier) people view things. Being happy does not make you IMMUNE from challenges, but what does happen is that the challenges have less IMPACT because they are seen from a more OPTIMISTIC PERSPECTIVE. So, a happier person might say: ‘Okay, what can I DO about this?’ Or: ‘I’ll give it a go at least. If that doesn’t work, I’ll look at something else.’ Or: ‘Does it really matter all that much if I mess it up?’
This day’s work, therefore, is titled ‘Hunting Down Happiness’. We think that happiness is the ULTIMATE GOAL, don’t we? But the endless pursuit of happiness (with the accompanying idea that NOT being happy is somehow WRONG) is just as FUTILE as trying to totally avoid any negativity.
Happiness COMES and GOES, usually from unexpected sources. Trying to be happy all the time can also drive you crazy. So, again, what to do?
Aim for CONTENTMENT. Aim to be okay with whatever comes along. Aim to MAKE PEACE with life’s ever-changing landscape. Aim to ACCEPT more the things that you have not accepted. And finally, seek out the things that DO give you pleasure. They may not actually be BIG things; instead, they could be small moments of CALM and CONTENTMENT that you have not noticed with your dark filter in place.
A great way to boost your OWN happiness quota is to boost SOMEONE ELSE’S! Being GENEROUS to another is actually a WIN–WIN result because BOTH parties feel uplifted! Depression can tend to lead you to be very SELF-FOCUSED. By actively GIVING to others, you not only do GOOD but you also extend beyond yourself and your previous feelings of LIMITATION and HELPLESSNESS.
WORKING DAY 21
• Today, notice any little fleeting moments of CALM, CONTENTMENT or even HAPPINESS that come to you, and jot down what you were doing at the time. You may be surprised to find that it’s actually the SMALL, EVERYDAY things that bring joy, rather than big events.
• Think of one aspect of your life that currently causes you to feel OFF BALANCE but is easily FIXED. Do something about this one item.
• Do at least one of these things today:
Call or meet up with a friend for
a pleasant chat
Exercise
Work on a hobby or interest
Take time out for the pleasure of it
Walk in the sunshine
Go to a concert, play or movie
• If you have too much unfocused time, RESEARCH and SIGN UP FOR a new passion. This may include:
A good cause
Volunteering
Learning a new skill
Writing or art
Joining a club
Enrolling in a course
• Be GENEROUS by:
Making a donation
Doing a favour for someone
Indulging in a random act of kindness
Visiting someone lonely
Making positive comments on social media
YOUR MANTRAS FOR DAY 21
‘Happiness is FLEETING.’
‘Being CONTENTED is a CHOICE.’
DAY 22
The BENEFITS of the BLUES
There’s nothing GOOD about depression, is
there?
It’s the WORST thing that could have happened to you, isn’t it?
Or IS it?
Imagine if you had a MAGIC BUTTON that would immediately erase any feelings of SADNESS or DEPRESSION the moment they arose.
Sounds GREAT, right? Or DOES it?
Now try to picture your life without ANY of those feelings. Wouldn’t it feel SHALLOW and ONE-DIMENSIONAL after a while?
Personally, the conventional idea of heaven as a perfect paradise where the sun SHINES every day, where people are always KIND and OBLIGING, where one is always in a state of BLISS and where every attempt is SUCCESSFUL would have me screaming with boredom after just a few days!
What would there be to feel EXCITED or PASSIONATE about if there were no feelings of YEARNING and LONGING to motivate you to seek out something MORE?
What if there was never anyone to CHAFE against to help you more clearly DEFINE and REFINE your character, embrace a different POINT OF VIEW and RESOLVE DIFFERENCES?
Without CHALLENGES, you would not EXPAND, because if you were ‘Pollyanna’ happy every minute of the day, there would be no reason to CHANGE or GROW.
Spending your life dodging painful emotions means that you deprive yourself of the DEPTH and CHARACTER-BUILDING that emotions – such as disappointment, heartbreak and self-doubt – can generate.
There can actually be BENEFITS in experiencing so-called ‘negative’ emotions, but only if you are willing to:
