Light This Candle (Harlequin More Than Words)

by Cindy Dees

  “But what’s done is done,” he continued. “I won’t lie and say I regret it, because I don’t. I may be a bastard for feeling that way, and I’m sorry. But I wouldn’t have done things any differently. If everybody waited for all the pieces to be in the right places before they took a shot at relationships, no one would ever end up together.”

  A relationship? She’d felt some pretty overwhelming terror over the past few months, but the fear that roared through her when he said that word was right up there.

  Mitch was speaking again. “...learned from Jimmy’s death, and from meeting you and Cody, is that life is too short to waste time not going straight for the things we want.”

  Her jaw sagged. It flapped a few times before she managed to form any words at all. Was he hinting that he wanted her? “But you’ve known me less than a month.”

  “I know you more than you think. I’ve seen you handle a life-and-death crisis, and your son is as courageous as you are. Both of you are stronger than steel. You’re fighting a battle that would have broken most people.”

  “I was pretty close to breaking that night you first walked into the ICU,” she admitted painfully. “Then a group called Patches of Light swept into my life. They paid my rent and gave me money to cover my most desperate bills. They kept me from getting evicted from this place. Kept my utilities turned on. Were it not for them, I’d have been living out of my car by now, and there’d be no chance to get Cody his new medication.”

  A shadow passed over Mitch’s face. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something. Closed it again. What was that all about? Eventually he said, “I’m glad they were there for you. All parents should be able to be with their children during life-threatening illnesses.”

  “I hope someday I can pay them back. Maybe help some other parent.”

  “If you set your mind to it, I’m sure you will.”

  She would have thanked him for believing in her, but her cell phone rang, interrupting her. She forced herself not to panic when she saw the number of the ICU nurses’ station. “Cassidy Frazier.”

  “Hi, baby. This is Rose from the hospital. There may be a heart for Cody.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Mitch had never moved so fast in his life. He and Cassidy tore out of the apartment and down to his truck. He raced across town like a formula one driver, using every offensive driving skill he’d learned in the military. They sprinted into the hospital and didn’t slow down until they were standing in the elevator watching the floor numbers ding past.

  “You okay?” he asked Cassidy. Her face was pale, her eyes unnaturally large.

  She shook her head, and he pulled her into his arms for a quick, hard hug. The fact that she didn’t protest was an indication of just how distracted she was.

  The door opened and he turned her loose. The ICU floor was crowded with medical personnel he didn’t recognize. The only one he knew was Dr. Mistler. “Who are all these people?” he muttered to Cassidy.

  “Transplant team.”

  She reached for his hand and squeezed his fingers until they went numb as the doctors explained there had been a car accident in Columbus. A young child who was a designated organ donor was in intensive care in the Ohio State University Hospital and not expected to live. The team here needed to do a series of tests to match Cody’s blood and tissue with the potential donor’s, and they had to do it fast. She scrawled her signature a half dozen times on various forms, and the team surged into Cody’s room.

  He and Cassidy followed. At first the child looked alarmed and his beeping monitors went wild. But then he saw his mother and his face relaxed. The little boy looked over at Mitch and mouthed, “Hi.”

  “Hey, buddy,” Mitch replied, grinning. Man, he admired that kid. Feeling what had to be complete terror, Cody could still smile at him and Cassidy. The child remained stoic through a series of pokes and prods and an ultrasound of his heart.

  And then, as fast as the mob had descended upon the ICU, it disappeared. In a few minutes, only Rose Parker and the bedside nurse were left.

  “Now what?” Cassidy asked. Mitch heard the quaver in her voice.

  Rose gestured for the two of them to step out into the central area. The woman closed Cody’s door behind them before answering, “Now we wait, honey.”

  “How long?”

  “Until that poor child in Columbus dies.”

  Cassidy slapped a horrified hand over her mouth. “Here I was all excited about Cody getting better when some other family is about to lose their precious baby.” She turned into Mitch’s chest and he felt tears wet his skin through his shirt.

  This compassion was part and parcel of why he was falling for her so hard and fast. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rewind. Falling for a woman? Him?

  He turned the notion over in his head a few times and decided it wasn’t so difficult to believe, after all. Cassidy was the most extraordinary mom he’d ever met. Exactly the kind of mother he wished his own had been—

  His thoughts derailed. He wasn’t doing some bizarre need-fulfillment thing here, was he? Although his conscious mind denied the idea adamantly, part of him doubted the denial.

  “What do we do now?” Cassidy was asking the social worker.

  “Go sit with Cody,” Rose answered practically. “See if you can get him to go back to sleep.”

  Still dumbfounded at the idea of falling for anyone, Mitch followed Cassidy into her son’s room and went through the motions of cheering as Cassidy and Cody played a few games of checkers. Thankfully, the hour was late and Cody’s sleep schedule had been interrupted. The little boy soon tired and Cassidy sang him to sleep so sweetly Mitch had to restrain an urge to weep. This was not about his own lousy mother!

  Cassidy tiptoed out of Cody’s room and he followed her into the small private waiting room for the families of ICU patients. It was empty but for the two of them.

  She sat down on the sofa and he cautiously took the seat across from her. She curled into a little ball, almost like a child herself. One he desperately wanted to comfort. But they didn’t need any repeats of that kiss. Or more accurately, Cassidy didn’t. He could seriously use another few thousand kisses from her.

  She declared without warning, “I’m a bad person for wanting that child in Columbus to die, but I can’t help it. I want my son to live.”

  “You’re not bad. You’re normal. Every parent wants their child to thrive.”

  She sighed. “I suppose you’re right.”

  He ached to move beside her and hold her, but he doubted she would stand for it. Instead, they sat there in uncomfortable silence for some time. The big clock on the wall seemed to be ticking at half speed tonight. Realistically, it could be days before the child in Columbus was finally taken off life support. But still, every few minutes he caught himself checking the time.

  Out of the blue, Cassidy asked him, “Where are we headed, Mitch?”

  He looked over at her. “What do you mean?”

  “You and me. Where do you see this going? I wouldn’t normally ask outright like this, but I have Cody to think about.”

  Aloud, he answered, “I understand.” But in his head, a steady stream of swearing erupted. He had no idea where they were going, or if they were going anywhere at all. He’d really like to believe he cared about her for her sake, but he couldn’t be sure. He had to get his head straight and figure it out, but in a hospital, waiting for a heart for Cody, wasn’t the time or place.

  She spoke reflectively. “It’s been such a whirlwind since you came into our lives. Less than a month. That’s not even close to long enough to know when someone’s right for you. I do know you make me feel safe, though.”

  He winced. “Safe” wasn’t much of a foundation to build a long-term relationship on...if, in fact, that was where they were headed.

  As if she’d read his mind, she added hastily, “Not just safe. You make me feel alive, too.” She added shyly, “Like maybe you need me a little.”

  And there it wa
s. The crux of the matter. As much as he hated to admit it, he was starting to think he did need her. But why? How was it possible to become so attached to someone so fast unless his motives were completely screwed up?

  He surged to his feet, pacing the confines of the room. She was looking at him expectantly, but he didn’t have the faintest idea what to say. His military training would insist that the best defense was a good offense. For lack of any other ideas and beginning to panic, he turned the tables on her. “Why would you even consider me?”

  She frowned up at him in confusion. “I just told you.”

  “Yes. But why me? Why not some other reasonably decent guy who can make you feel safe by getting your car serviced and fixing the house and paying the rent?”

  Whoops.

  “Paying the rent?” she repeated ominously. “Patches of Light paid my rent.”

  “Yes, they did,” he agreed a shade too hastily. He never had been any good at lying. And now her mommy radar for fibs was on full alert. He didn’t try to sustain the lie. “I wrote them a check and asked to have it earmarked for you.”

  She leaped to her feet, eyes snapping. “Why?” she demanded.

  “Because you wouldn’t let me help you. I walked down that hall the first night we met, and you took one look at my uniform and hated my guts.”

  “The military took away everything from me. My husband and best friend, my life. And they left me with mountains of paperwork and forced me to spend months fighting for the most basic health care for my son. Why shouldn’t I hate the military?”

  “I am the military,” he declared. “Don’t you get it?”

  “Are you saying you did everything...even kiss me...on behalf of Uncle Sam?” she challenged incredulously.

  “Of course not. But the same system that took away Jimmy and made your life hell brought me to you. It can’t be all bad.”

  “It is.” Her words were final. Implacable.

  His throat tightened up terribly. “But if you reject it, you reject me. It’s my career. It’s who I am.”

  “I’m not changing my mind.”

  Honestly, he couldn’t blame her—even if he did want to grab her and shake some sense into her. He’d seen her suffering up close and personal, though. An impossible ache in his chest, he headed for the door. “Then I guess that’s it.”

  He paused in the doorway only long enough to say, “Good luck with Cody. He’s a great kid.”

  * * *

  Cassidy fell onto the couch, stunned. How had things gone so wrong so fast? One second the two of them had been chatting like an old married couple, the next they’d been yelling at each other and he’d stormed out.

  An unwelcome voice said quietly from the doorway, “Mind if I come in?”

  Cassidy really didn’t want to talk to Rose, but the woman had been there for her so many times before, staying late into the night to mop up her tears, that she couldn’t very well turn the social worker away now. She sighed. “Come on in.”

  Rose sat down on the other end of the couch and studied her quietly.

  “I suppose you heard some of that?” Cassidy asked reluctantly.

  “Yup.”

  “And?”

  Rose turned an innocent stare on her, which didn’t fool Cassidy for a second. “And what?”

  “C’mon, Rose. You know you want to say something about my fight with Mitch.”

  “I only wanted to remind you that sometimes, when people are under great pressure, they have to vent some steam. I wouldn’t give up on him just because the two of you had a spat in the middle of what must be one of the most stressful moments of your life.”

  “It was more than a spat,” Cassidy got out before the tears came. And once they started flowing, it didn’t seem as if they were ever going to stop. Things had been so good for the past few weeks, which made tonight just that much more painful.

  Rose held out her arms and Cassidy curled up against the woman’s motherly bosom like a little girl. She cried her heart out. For Jimmy. For Cody. For herself.

  And then it dawned on her she was crying for Mitch too. It had hurt her so much to watch him walk out that door. Out of her life. He’d looked as if it must have been just as painful for him.

  “I think I’ve made a terrible mistake, Rose.”

  “How’s that, baby girl?”

  “I just threw Mitch out of my life for good.”

  “Oh, I’m sure it’s not as final as all that,” the woman soothed.

  “I don’t know. He was pretty upset. I said some awful things to him. I told him I hated the military, and if he’s in the military, then I pretty much hate him, too.”

  “Do you hate him?”

  “No!” she cried. “I lo—” She stopped, shocked. She’d been about to say that she loved him. No way. Not after only a matter of weeks. It was just a slip of the tongue, her mind reaching for the opposite of hate. She couldn’t possibly love him even a little. But...

  “I dunno,” Rose was saying. “The man who walked past me just now didn’t look angry at all. He looked like he’d had his heart broken.”

  “Really?” A momentary spark of hope flared in her breast, but at the memory of the hurtful words she’d flung at him, it flickered and died.

  “Why don’t we worry about that later? I came to tell you that the transplant team says Cody’s a match. They might have some news about the condition of the child in Columbus on the hour. That’s in a few minutes. Why don’t we go check on your kiddo and see what the docs have to say?”

  Effectively distracted, Cassidy nodded. She blew her nose obediently when Rose passed her a tissue, and the two women headed for Cody’s room. Thankfully, her son was still sleeping.

  A doctor she’d never met before approached her after she slipped out of Cody’s darkened room. “The transplant team in Columbus thinks we’ll have a heart sometime tomorrow. We’re going to spend the rest of the night working at stabilizing your son a little more in hopes that he’ll come through the surgery stronger. In the meantime, I suggest you go home and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow could be a very long day.”

  She nodded and then remembered that Mitch had given her a ride over here. She frowned, staring down at her hands, too numb and exhausted to solve this simple problem. Where was Mitch when she needed him to take care of her?

  “Problem?” Rose murmured.

  “Mitch brought me over here. I don’t have a way to get home.”

  “I’ll give you a lift. C’mon. You look like you could use some rest.”

  But when she crawled into her bed, memories of Mitch refused to leave her alone. She tossed and turned until she thought she was going to scream. For a minute there, the two of them had almost had it all. But somehow she’d managed to go and blow it. Worst of all, she already missed him.

  * * *

  Dawn was creeping around the edges of his curtains before Mitch gave up on sleeping. He’d spent the whole night kicking himself for being a hundred kinds of fool. Why did he have to go and throw it in Cassidy’s face that he was part of the same military that had killed her husband and ruined her life?

  Their relationship was too new, too fragile to survive such a blow. Was he just foolish, or was there some subconscious force in him trying to chase her away? Was he scared of his feelings for her? Was that why he’d pushed her away like that?

  As soon as the thought occurred to him, he knew it to be true. He was terrified of how fast and hard he was falling for Cassidy and Cody. It was as if he’d been waiting his whole life for the two of them to come along. But now he’d gone and lost them both.

  He alternated between fury at himself and grief deeper than any he’d ever known. Eventually he dug himself out of the emotional hole he’d thrown himself into and turned his thoughts toward winning the two of them back. He wasn’t a highly trained military strategist for nothing.

  The first order of business was to make contact with Cassidy again. But subtly. Indirectly. He drove over to the military b
ase and paid a visit to the finance office. He’d had the folks there reviewing Jimmy Frazier’s beneficiary paperwork, and they’d found several crucial errors.

  Mitch was relieved to hear that starting in a few weeks, several hundred dollars more per month of Social Security money would be released to Cassidy. Furthermore, the last fifty thousand dollars of Jimmy’s life insurance policy that had been withheld pending a search for his parents—who were both deceased according to Cassidy—was going to be released to the widow. He was assured the check would take no more than two weeks to arrive in her mail.

  He wished there was more he could do for her. He had a driving need deep in his gut to make her happy. To see her smile and hear her laugh. He’d had crushes in the past, but this obsession with making another human being happy was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. He didn’t know how or why it had happened at the speed of light, but it was unquestionably real.

  He made his way toward the hospital to tell Cassidy about the change in her benefits; he’d learned the hard way not to do such things behind her back. And as he drove, something incredibly obvious dawned on him. It didn’t really matter why he’d fallen for Cassie. The fact that he had was all that mattered.

  If watching young men die in war had taught him nothing else, it was to live in the now and not to ask too many why questions. Like why did one kid die when another one lived? Why had he survived? Why did war exist? Why did he care so much about a widow and her young son so soon after meeting them?

  He just did.

  Now to convince her of that.

  * * *

  Cassidy stared at Cody in dismay. How was she going to convince him to cooperate with the doctors? The helicopter would be here in a half hour to airlift him to Columbus. But her normally sweet and tractable son had dug in his heels and was throwing the mother of all hissy fits. He was absolutely determined that he was not leaving this place until he saw Mitch.

  The doctors looked exasperated and told her that they couldn’t sedate Cody because of the anesthesia required for the transplant surgery. They basically ordered her to do whatever it took to get control of her kid. Now.