Kill Me Once, Kill Me Twice

by Clara Kensie

  With no choice, I climb out of the ambulance. The neighbors are still mingling on the sidewalk under the streetlight, some drifting home now that the excitement is over. Others stay and watch, Keith among them.

  I’m in my pajamas, a maroon Ryland High T-shirt and gray shorts. “Poor thing, you’re shivering,” Paladino says. His cruiser is parked nearby, and he goes to his trunk and takes out a royal blue blanket embroidered with the Ryland Police Department logo.

  He holds it open for me. When I don’t step into it, he places it around my shoulders himself. He smooths the blanket over my arms, rubbing them to warm me up. For the second time today, someone with a hatchet tattoo is touching me. Fear and dread curdle in my stomach, bringing back the nausea.

  “A month ago, Miss Abrams, you were just a quiet, studious, well-behaved girl on track to win the Lily Summerhays Memorial Scholarship and attend Griffin University,” he says, practically cooing. “But now look at all the trouble you’ve had lately, ever since you hooked up with Ash Morrison. And tonight you had a carbon monoxide leak. I wonder how that happened?”

  “It wasn’t an accident,” I say. “I know you did it.”

  “Don’t be silly, sweetheart. I’m a police officer. My job is to protect you. Besides, you know I was at the police station with your drug dealer boyfriend, charging him with possession.” His gaze bores into me, telling me that he may not have made the leak happen himself, but he made it happen.

  “I’m just saying, Miss Abrams, that you could’ve died tonight.” The chief gives a pointed look to Joey in the ambulance. “And so could’ve your little brother. I’d hate for something else to happen to him. Something worse.”

  My blood stops running through my veins. I feel faint. “Don’t. Not Joey. Please.”

  “I think you should reconsider my offer from before,” he says. “I’ll let Ash out of jail, and I’ll make sure that you and your brother are safe. You’ll win that scholarship, and everything will go back to the way it’s supposed to be.” His voice is soft, gentle, almost like a lullaby, but his gaze is as hard and cold as ice. “But in order for that to happen, you need to stop this silly investigation of yours. Now.”

  I watch Joey in the ambulance, gleefully chatting with the EMTs. A half hour ago he was lying on the grass, eyes half-closed, skin cold, face pale as death.

  “Joey will be safe?” I have to bite my lips to keep myself from vomiting. “You promise?”

  Paladino nods, sincerity in his brown eyes. “You have my solemn vow, Miss Abrams. Nothing will happen to Joey. He’ll be the safest citizen of Ryland there ever was.”

  “And Ash,” I say. “I want the same deal for him. No jail, no charges, no harassment, no accidental carbon monoxide poisoning. Nothing. He stays safe too.”

  “As long as you two uphold your end of the deal, so will I,” Paladino says. “Are we in agreement?”

  That red car I saw earlier, driving down the street. Did the driver of that car break into my house, remove the batteries from my CO detectors, and cause the gas leak? Was it Jonah Caplan, the gas company guy? Or maybe Paladino had someone else do it. How many people does the chief have in his pocket? How many people is he bribing, blackmailing, and threatening to do his bidding?

  Whatever the number, I am now one of them. I don’t have a choice. “Yes, sir. We have a deal.”

  “That’s my good girl.”

  Paladino points at Keith and emits a quick, high-pitched whistle, calling him over. Keith hesitantly lumbers to us. “Our girl here has gotten herself into quite a bit of trouble lately,” Paladino tells him. “She promised me she’s done with all that. But just to be sure, you’ll watch her for me, won’t you, son?”

  Keith, eyes wide with shock, nods. “Um, yeah. Sure.”

  “Good. Make sure you keep her out of trouble. Pick her up for school, bring her home, spend every spare second with her, just like you used to. She wants things to go back the way they used to be. She just needs your supervision to stay in line.”

  Keith looks at me, and, feeling faint, I nod. “Yep,” I manage to squeak.

  “I’ll be checking in with you, son. I need to you stick to her like glue. Why don’t you follow her to the ER, make sure she and her brother are okay, and then you can take them back home.” Paladino squeezes Keith’s shoulder, then retreats to his police cruiser. He watches us from the window.

  “Do you mean it?” Keith asks me. “You want things to go back the way they were? You and me?”

  I don’t answer. I can’t. All I can do is nod.

  “I can forgive you for kissing Ash Morrison. It only happened a few times, right?”

  “I never kissed him.” Regret, on so many levels. I wish we had kissed. It would have been our one and only.

  “Just don’t do it again,” Keith says.

  “I didn’t—”

  “Stay away from him, and I’ll forgive you.”

  “Okay.” I don’t even bother to bring up the fact that he had sex with that girl from Eastfield.

  “So… we’re back together?”

  I nod again. Keith puts his arm around me. I want to vomit, but I don’t shake him off.

  Ash will understand why I’m doing this, why I have to do this. I had to make this deal with the chief. I have to do whatever it takes to keep Joey safe. He’ll understand that.

  Ash will understand, but will he forgive me?

  The engine rumbling in his cruiser, Paladino watches. It’s not until I stand on tiptoe and give Keith a kiss that he drives away.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Lily ~ Eighteen Years Ago

  I made it home at 9:59, one minute to spare before curfew. My house was dim, quiet. My parents were in bed already, which meant I’d rushed home for nothing. I could have stayed in the field with Will, wrapped in his arms, for at least a little while longer. But if I hadn’t left when I did, I wouldn’t have overheard Paladino and Seth in the alley behind the movie theater.

  I needed to call Will about that right away.

  In the wastebasket in the kitchen, an envelope, green and emblazoned with big, bold yellow letters, caught my eye. Green and gold: Carroll-Freywood Global University’s school colors. My mother must have thought it was junk mail and tossed it without a second glance.

  But this was so much more than junk mail. I slid my finger under the envelope’s seal, my heart

  skipping

  then I reminded myself not to get too excited—this could be a rejection letter.

  What would I do if this was a rejection letter? I’d go to Griffin, room with Diana, get a degree in business, then work at Agri-So and eventually own the company. That was what my parents wanted.

  But it wasn’t what I wanted. Even though Will would be here in Ryland. He would make things better, but I didn’t want to go to Griffin, I didn’t want to study business, and I didn’t want to one day own Agri-So. No. I wouldn’t do it.

  No

  matter

  what.

  If this letter from CFGU was a rejection letter, I could still leave Ryland. I didn’t need a college degree to travel around the world. I didn’t need my parents’ approval either. I wanted it, but I didn’t need it. I also didn’t need their financial support. I would work for my dad for the summer—something I was going to do anyway—and save up some money. Then in the fall, instead of going to Griffin University, I would buy the cheapest ticket to… wherever I wanted. South America, Europe, Africa, Asia. I could do odd jobs, anything I could find, to support myself and my travels. I didn’t mind doing menial tasks, working hard, and getting dirty. Even better, I could volunteer for organizations that built homes and schools and waterways in underdeveloped countries. That was a better way to discover the world anyway.

  That was it. I was leaving Ryland in the fall to travel the world, even if this letter from CFGU was a rejection.

  Decision

  made.

  Reminding myself that it didn’t matter what the letter said, I pulled out the letter from
the envelope, and read it.

  Dear Miss Lily Summerhays,

  We’d like to congratulate you on your acceptance to the global program of Carroll-Freywood University…

  I read the letter again, then a third time. I blinked, then read it again. But it was the same each time: I was in! I did it! I was accepted to Carroll-Freywood Global University! For the next four years, I’d be attending classes in eight different countries on six different continents, and I’d graduate with a degree in cultural anthropology and I’d spend the rest of my life traveling the world and having adventures and oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

  Something else to tell Will. He was going to be so happy for me. There was no question in my mind that if I stayed local, we’d continue our relationship. But now that I’d be traveling, did I still want to be committed to him while he stayed back in Indiana?

  Yes. Absolutely yes. We’d figure it out. I’d see him when I came home for semester breaks.

  And after college…

  No. I wasn’t going to think about that now. Will wanted to live on Duston Farm for the rest of his life, and I wanted to continue exploring the world for the rest of mine. That would be something we’d have to figure out together. Things were going too well for me right now to worry about something that wouldn’t happen until after college. I was with Will, I finally had a suspect in Neal’s murder—Seth Seigel, with the help of Rick Paladino—and I’d just been accepted to CFGU. Everything was

  perfect.

  And then—a sniffle. Coming from the living room. Followed by a sob.

  “Mom?” I made my way to the living room. Mom was there, huddled on the floor by the fireplace, her French twist fallen, her makeup smeared. A panicked thought flew through my head—

  Seth and Paladino

  they did this

  they saw me behind the dumpster

  they hurt my mother

  they came for me but they hurt my mom—

  as I rushed over to her. “Mom, what happened?”

  She looked up at me, completely broken. “It’s over,” she said simply.

  “What’s over?”

  “He left. Your father left.”

  “Like on a business trip?” But even as I said it, I knew what she meant. “He left you?”

  My lungs

  deflated

  and I sank to my knees. “But I thought you guys were getting along now,” I said. “I thought things were better.”

  “I thought so too,” she said. “He said he tried, for you, but he couldn’t do it anymore.” She sobbed fresh tears onto my shoulder.

  I should be crying too, but anger was building and building and building inside me, turning my blood hot, turning my vision red. How could he do this? How could he?

  “I’m all alone now,” Mom sobbed. “What am I going to do? I don’t know how to be alone.”

  “You’re not alone, Mom,” I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. “I’m here. I’m going to Griffin next year, remember? It’s only a half hour away. I’ll come see you all the time. I can even live at home, instead of in the dorms. I won’t leave you.” And finally, I let a tear fall.

  “I can’t ask you—” She sobbed again, then said, “Thank you, Lily. Thank you so much. I won’t be able to get through this without you. I love you so much.” She pulled back and sniffled, wiping her eyes with her fingertips. “It’s you and me now,” she said. She tried to smile but failed. She cried instead, grabbing me into her arms again.

  “You and me,” I repeated. Behind her back, I crumpled up the letter from CFGU.

  Later that night, after I gave Mom a sleeping pill and put her to bed, I went to my room. It was a good thing that I was staying in Ryland. I was going to stay here with my mother, who needed me, and Will Duston, who loved me. I would stay here, in Ryland, and I would never speak to my father again. I’d pass him on the street and pretend I didn’t know him.

  It was a good thing I was staying in Ryland.

  I tossed the crumpled-up letter from CFGU into my wastebasket.

  No. It

  hurt

  too much to see that letter in the wastebasket.

  I took it out, smoothed it, put it back inside the envelope, and hid it inside my globe. I was staying in Ryland. One day, far in the future, I might take the letter from the globe and look at it and think about what might have been.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Ever ~ Present Day

  Taking Paladino’s instructions to heart, Keith has stuck to me like glue. Last night he followed Joey and me to the ER, he didn’t leave my side as we breathed in oxygen for a few hours, then he drove us home and walked us inside.

  Now it’s a couple hours later and the sun is shining bright and low in the sky, and he’s on my doorstep so he can escort me to school. He kisses me full on the mouth and walks with me to take Joey next door for daycare.

  I’m exhausted and my eyes are heavy and puffy, but Joey isn’t tired despite spending the night in the ER. Instead, he tells the other kids all about last night’s adventure. “We had a gas leak!” he announces proudly. “My hamster died. And I got sick! But Ever took me outside in my PJs to feel better and it was after midnight! And a fire engine came! And a police car! And we got to ride in an ambulance and the hospital gave us special air!”

  Joey runs off with Hayden and the other kids, and I stand there, watching him leave, until Keith pulls me away. I don’t resist. Joey will be safe at daycare. Joey is the safest citizen in Ryland, according to Chief Paladino, because I am sticking to my end of the deal.

  Keith drives me to Ryland High, where Principal Duston and Chief Paladino are standing by the front entrance, pretending they aren’t watching me as I enter the building. I take Keith’s hand. The chief, with an almost imperceptible smirk, gives him a nod as we pass.

  As we walk down the hallways toward our lockers, I scan the crowd for Ash. We pass his locker, but he’s not there. Is he still in jail? Did the chief break his part of our deal? Keith tucks me under his arm, chipper in his steps as we stop at his locker, then mine. As I turn the dial on my combination lock, he stands close behind me, running his fingertips up and down my arm, tucking my hair behind my ear, kissing my neck.

  “What’s this?” A voice, dubious yet hopeful, behind us. Courtney. I turn to see her watching us. “Are you—?” She gasps, her hand flying to her mouth. She hasn’t drawn her swirls and dots on her hand lately.

  A few feet away, pushing through the throng of students toward me, comes Ash. My knees almost give out in relief. Thank God. He’s here. He needs to shave and he’s wearing the same jeans and T-shirt as yesterday, but he doesn’t look bruised or beaten. Paladino released him. He kept his end of the deal.

  But now I have to keep mine.

  “Keith and I made up last night,” I tell Courtney, loud enough for Ash to hear. He stops in his tracks.

  Court tilts her head, twists her lips. “What about Ash Morrison?”

  With Ash watching, I step closer to Keith and pull his arms around me. “Ash is a thief and a druggie.” In my peripheral vision, Ash goes rigid, his scowling eyes widening with shock. “He lied to me. He made me think his father is innocent.”

  I can’t look at Ash. I hate myself for doing this to him. Please understand, please understand.

  From behind me, Keith squeezes me tightly and rests his chin on my head. Courtney, however, is still not convinced. “Whatever you were doing with Ash, you’re done? It’s over?”

  I nod, definitively. “It’s over.” I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.

  “You swear?” She’s pleading, begging, desperate for it to be true.

  “She promised me last night,” Keith adds.

  “I’m sorry, Courtney,” I say. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want to fight anymore.” That part, at least, is the truth.

  Slowly, her shoulders relax. “So, you’re back to normal?”

  I nod, and she takes me from Keith to en
velop me in a hug. “I missed you,” she says. “I kept picking up my phone to text you, but then I remembered we were fighting, and it was the worst time of my life. But everything’s okay now.”

  The warning bell rings. I find the strength to look at Ash, but he’s already gone.

  In his place, watching and listening, is Principal Duston. “Courtney, Keith, you two get to class. I need to talk to Ever for a moment.”

  Keith draws me back into his arms. “Why, what’d she do?” he asks Principal Duston.

  “She had nothing to do with those drugs in Ash Morrison’s locker,” Court says, defending me. “And anyway, she’s done with him. She promised.”

  “I know. Go to class,” Principal Duston orders.

  Court gives me a shrug, mouths text me, and reluctantly shuffles away. Keith slowly releases me from his arms, leaving me alone with Principal Duston.

  “I, um, I don’t want to be late for first period,” I say.

  “This won’t take long.” He chews his toothpick, his eyes shadowed and suspicious under his white-blond hair. When he speaks next, his voice is low, conspiratorial. “How much do you know?”

  How much has Paladino told him? Should I feign ignorance? Before I can decide what to say, he answers for me. “I know you think I killed Lily Summerhays.”

  My body turns cold. “I don’t—how—There are others…” I want to run, but I can’t make my legs work.

  “Why do you think that? What do you remem—” He cuts himself off. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath. He opens his eyes again, light blue and penetrating. “Listen. Lily and I were friends. More than friends, for a while. While we were more than friends, she told me something about herself. A secret. I stopped believing it—maybe I never really did believe it—but I’m starting to believe it now. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you.” It’s not a question.

  Even if I knew how to reply, I can’t. He keeps me frozen in his gaze. My lungs don’t work.

  He leans in close, muttering between clenched teeth. “You did the right thing, making that deal with Paladino. Keep doing what he says. I’ll be watching.”